My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

Ring fence some money/savings now, change your passwords on all your accounts/emails etc, whatever you do, don't expect him to the 'right thing' - you simply can not afford to be that naive or trusting with three children to look after.

If you ensure your finances are in order, that your private information is now secure and your cash cards and everything else has PINS changed. You might think this is over the top, but you would be surprised at how lovely man can turn into an absolute f when it comes to the money. It is always the money, and you may hope for him to be kind and generous, but don't bank on it. At all.

Get some serious support gathered, tell your friends, tell your family. It is now time for you, with their help to deal with this day by day.

I would ask him to leave, you need some space and time to process what he has said (personally I would kick his stuff out in a bin bag, and change the locks but you may want to do things more gradually) he needs to leave, for now, and to know what life is like without you - it may make him realise how much he really loves you, and how good it is with you or it may not happen that way. It is going to be one big reality check for him either way.

There is no way to say this, but please stop being so desperate for him to stay - even if he does love you that is the biggest turn off ever. You would be far better off pulling yourself together - put the war paint on and tell him to go you will and the dc will manage just fine - no tears no drama. Be cold and distant - 'lets talk through lawyers going forward' and shut the door.

You will scare the living shit out of him, he is banking on you being a broken walkover op, don't be the doormat for him anymore.

He doesn't love you? Fine! There are plenty of wonderful men out there that will love you, adore you and give you the life you deserve. His loss.

OP I'm sorry you're hurting. Like so many on here I have also heard this script before. ExH actually admitted "trashing" our marriage to make it easier to leave. He told me it was my fault and that I'd made him do it. He would meet OW a while I was at work, asleep, while out doing his hobby, anywhere really. He really didn't care how hurtful it would be to me. He had a separate phone that he charged in the garage. He would sit on his laptop with his back to the wall and chat with OW with me and DC in the room. My solicitor told me that these men fall into two categories - the guilt ridden grovelers who try to make amends and the one that go out on the attack. These ones have no choice but to attack because the only alternative is to admit they are wrong.

So off he went with OW, and then when it didn't work out he asked to come back and I said no. This turned into "You threw me out" of course. Thing is the more they say these things the more they believe them. He actually said to me a year or so later that I'd thrown him out and I had to remind him that I'd actually been in the room.

So I do think this is a case of OW. it's just the way they are. They are so predictable, unfortunately. Either way though, the relationship is over isn't it. Just make sure you get a fair share of the assets and get a claim into the CMS. Get tough. This man is prepared to shatter your DC's family. He's not a man to like.

Good luck OP

When you said up to last few weeks he always waited for you and met you when you came home from work? What changed?
As I mentioned earlier, yes when you at work , he could lead whole new life online!
Also when you mentioned that you are confused that he picked even table decorations and wanted you to have his surname- that means literally nothing.
My EX said similar things to me, he even wrote them to me in a looong letter, saying how much he is happy to be my boyfriend, how much he fallen for me etc.. the next day he said his ex contacted him and she wants to give it another try and he wants too!
I was so heartbroken, I could not believe it!
How come he said all these amazing things, if 24 hrs later he said, it’s over?
I was so confused too and I learned that sweet talk means nothing really.

You poor thing OP. I've been where you are, except I was already married (without kids). It's like being hit by a bus, and it takes a while to process the emotions involved.

I hate to join the chorus of "There's probably an OW" but the script is a well-worn one sadly. With my ExH it started with his 'depression'. I put it in quotes, because although he undoubtedly was depressed, it transpired that the cause was his guilt over shagging someone from work behind my back for months. Just like you I was convinced he would never cheat, wasn't the type etc.

All he'd say was he wasn't happy. That prize-winning arsehole had me and his family all worried and rallying round to try and help him, wasted my time in marriage counselling by not telling the truth and put me through hell when he started drinking heavily....anyway my point is, I spent all that time wondering what had gone wrong, how I could make him happy again. All my energy was focused on HIM and HIS feelings until I forced a confession from him.

Ask him outright is there anyone else and see how he reacts. It could be painful, but as PP have said, knowing the truth, however awful, does often bring a little inner peace.

Could he have been going to meet someone else that day you fell out (not his brother?)

It's heartbreaking Sophie but I am sure its either lifestyle of OW. My husband was my soulmate too - married for 20 years I felt we'd grow old together and we had soooo many wonderful memories.
He discovered a fetsih BDSM group online and that was it, suddenly turned into a completely different person, didn't want me any more, didn't want our "vanilla" life, spent every spare minute photographing himself in rubber cat suits et al and one day stormed out leaving me in the complete shit.
Had to sell my house, move 300 miles away for a full time job.
now he's like to come back as the grass wasn't greener and he;s skint and homeless with £30k debt but now I don't want him back because I've realised he isn't my soul mate and he isn't special.

My ex was also the one who booked our wedding and was very excited about it right up until the time he suddenly wasn't. It seemed that overnight he became very cold and unfeeling and strange and at the time I was hugely affected by it and very confused. I don't think he was cheating at the time actually but he did move on very fast (to someone who later cheated on him several times and left him within a year and he lost most of his friends who sided with her and couldn't afford to rent anywhere on his own and had to move back to his dysfunctional family and his life was essentially ruined which was GLORIOUS).

As it happened he was also a virgin when we met (I wasn't) although he was a bit older than your DP was when you met (mid 20s) and I think he did have a sense of having missed out/having a very early midlife crisis... couldn't be happier that it didn't work out for him though. Luckily we had no children and no joint assets and some years later I've since met someone wonderful and am happier than I ever was etc etc although I know that's SO hard to see when you're in the thick of it; I definitely thought my life was over at the time tbh.

None of us here can say whether or not this guy is cheating, sometimes people do just panic before big commitments, or get to a certain point in a relationship and feel they've missed out on other experiences, but either way he's treating you cruelly and you don't deserve that

@crimsonlake I know it looks like I'm putting the relationship on a pedal stool but I genuinely believe it has been that good.
I have never had doubts, ever. He has drove me up the wall some days but nothing that ever made me think twice about our love for each other.
I strongly believe he felt that way too, either that or hes been a good liar for over 10 years.
I just feel so in shock but I know you are all right in what you are saying.
I just wish he would say he regrets everything he has said and he doesn't mean it :( xxx

@SophieH12

Just replying to a few comments asking what we fell out over a few weeks ago.. He had a day off work and the kids were at school. We planned to go for breakfast that day but on the morning we had planned after he dropped the kids to school he said he was going to visit his brother. I said...oh I thought we were going for breakfast. He then got really defensive and grumpy saying he promised his brother (he forgot he made plans with us both) In return I just said well can you not just visit him on Friday when we are down that way as I was really looking forward to our time together. (His brother lives 2 hours a way)

I did not mean to come across as controlling or dictating in any way that day. I was just excited to have time with him as we never have a child free day. He has a very close bond with his family and sees them often so it's not like he never sees them. But now I feel guilty for wanting a fucking fry up with him.
And that's when it all started. He started saying he doesnt care about time together etc. He didnt end up going to see his brother that day, nor did we go for breakfast. It just ended in a day with him saying these shocking things

Sorry lovely, sounds like you interrupted his planned date. Totally agree with others here, most likely someone waiting in the wings..however your priority right now is taking back the control. Can your mum/sister come stay for a few days. Can you take a/l? He needs to leave, now. You need to start formulating your plans. He’s hurt you. The trust has gone. Put yourself and your kids first

Maybe he'd planned to meet someone else on that day, not his brother, and that's why he got defensive and grumpy about going for breakfast.

@SophieH12 sounds like his brother was a ruse.
And it started from that.
Sounds like you cock blocked him and now he's having a tantrum.

Get him to leave,let him see what his reality is.

Honestly.. He has checked out and is seriously taking you for a ride. You have to be strong and push back hard...

I'd tell him that although he might feel another 10 years might be better for the kids it won't be as they will then be teenagers and emotionally vulnerable.

I'd then tell him that as you want and deserve a commited partner to spend the rest of your life therefore would rather split now as it's much easier to find someone new at 30 than 40.

As he loves the kids he will obviously want the kids 50% time and therefore can he let you know his proposal for when he has the kids. I'd mention your free time will be working, gym and dates..

I'd push for the house sale while still stamp duty offer...

You must NOT let him walk all over you.

I know its really hard... But this is the only way.. Take back control

God I'm so angry on your behalf. How dare he treat you like that?! and as for "he would work hard to ensure we still had a family/work life balance. So sometimes he would miss a few reports to have quality time with us, then at 11pm he would get back to his reports, so his work has become a huge part of our life." Is he really working? Or is he doing what so many men do and use work as an excuse to get out of family responsibilities, because their job is so big and important, but they are actually just surfing the net or gaming, or cheating (believe me, I've worked with enough men over the years to know this is true).

As others have said, you need to take back control of this situation. Tell him you are having the house valued as it will have to be sold. Say you need to sit down and work out how custody of the children is going to work. I know it's breaking your heart, but try to take the emotion out of it. Don't put more effort into this relationship, put less in, and stop cooking for him and doing his washing. He needs to see that you have plans too.

Saying you're too old at 30!?? What a negging bastard. His almost overnight change of attitude towards you does reek of another woman OP, so please be prepared for that, it's a classic tactic to come out with 'I haven't loved you for a a long time, blah blah' to excuse their shitty behaviour.

Good luck

@SophieH12

Just replying to a few comments asking what we fell out over a few weeks ago.. He had a day off work and the kids were at school. We planned to go for breakfast that day but on the morning we had planned after he dropped the kids to school he said he was going to visit his brother. I said...oh I thought we were going for breakfast. He then got really defensive and grumpy saying he promised his brother (he forgot he made plans with us both) In return I just said well can you not just visit him on Friday when we are down that way as I was really looking forward to our time together. (His brother lives 2 hours a way)

I did not mean to come across as controlling or dictating in any way that day. I was just excited to have time with him as we never have a child free day. He has a very close bond with his family and sees them often so it's not like he never sees them. But now I feel guilty for wanting a fucking fry up with him.
And that's when it all started. He started saying he doesnt care about time together etc. He didnt end up going to see his brother that day, nor did we go for breakfast. It just ended in a day with him saying these shocking things

Do you know for a fact he was going to meet his brother? Did his brother call to see where he was or did you ring his brother that day?

I smell bullshit. I can’t imagine any man being upset at cancelling meeting their brother when they could have a childfree morning/afternoon with their partner.

He sounds abusive, even though you don't want to see or hear it. He "might" fall in love with you? Maybe? You're too old at 30? He "doesn't want to commit", while you're together for 10 years having 3 children together? What am I reading? It's absurd.
I am so sorry, OP. It's best for you to prepare to go through the grief and to prepare for some practical difficulties, but no way you should stay with this man.

Most men don't end relationships unless they have somewhere else to go.

Get digging. Because he is 100% hiding something.

Time to stop being sad and get angry instead.

A) I believe if you have nothing to lose, then you should ask him outright if there's somebody else. Even if he lies, he'll be stunned enough to make it obvious because up until now he thinks you're oblivious.

B) It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you need to step back from your emotions, and tell him you've given it some thought and that you think he's right, and that you should split sooner rather than later for the sake of yourself mostly because you'd like to have a happy relationship for the next decade instead of cohabiting with somebody who doesn't love you.

Right now he's so self assured because he knows you want him and only him, so of course he can make a decision and tell you, because he feels that if he changed his mind you'd give him a huge hug and tell him all is forgiven. He really, really needs to see that you are not just going to wait for him. That will be the best chance you have of saving your relationship. Please please try to do this, you'll see, he'll change his tune.

Yeah, mine used to get sulky and say a ton of spiteful shit if he couldn't think of a reasonable excuse to get out of the house to meet her and had to stay in with me instead.

In the end and in desparation for an excuse, he used to smash food items on the floor with a loud "oh, fuck...now I got to go and fetch some more...damn it". Took him three hours to go to the corner shop, two hundred feet away, for replacement milk the one time.

They have the new totty hormones going, you see, and it drives a lot of it. They are once again a lovesick teenager. Makes them fanciful, stupid and downright nasty when they cannot get to their "love". It is particularly men who get it this way, cheating women not so much as women are usually more wise and in control of themselves. It is truly fucking nauseating once you see it.

I would say he has an extra phone hidden. Watch for him taking a very long time to make a hot drink or go to the toilet, etc.

He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.

So he either intends to be with a 20 year old when he's 70?

And he only valued you and loved you on the basis of the way you looked not the person you are?

Thats a very sad man with some very warped views about women in general.

He doesn't love you as a friend or his wife or his lover or the mother of his children. Cos he doesn't respect you.

The best you get is you are convenient to his life style.

Think about that.

If he thinks you are 'too old' for his tastes at age 30 then he's going to be one lonely old wanker by the time he's 70s.

My immediate thought was it wasn’t his brother he was going to meet, it was whoever he is having an affair with. Sorry but you need to prepare yourself for her to materialise.

Another one here who thinks he was planning to meet up with another woman and you “ruined” his plans. Have you spoken to his brother and verified? What about texting his brother a casual “Sorry you didn’t get to meet X on : we got crossed wires about our plans. Hopefully you can meet up again soon.” If he replies with no idea of what you are talking about you’ll have your answer.

Lots of mumsnet good sense on here OP, about possible/probable OW and not doing the 'pick me' thing. Also, you say he has anxiety. Is it just possible that his change could be due to increased anxiety over covid and other things? - 16 hours days will not have helped. If so his confidence will have dipped, he may be depressed, and this may be colouring his view of the future. Just a thought. Could you initially offer to support him with anxiety/depression issues if he has them, and then see if he is in fact preparing the way for himself because of OW.

Are you sure he isn’t using social media whilst you’re at work? Are you sure he doesn’t have a second phone or iPad that comes out every evening? Absolutely sure? Again, are you absolutely sure that nobody else is being sneaked into your house at night whilst you work? Granted, this is less likely than him having a whole secret online presence that only appears when you’re out but it’s not outside the realms of possibility.

I’m sorry OP, you’re partner is a nasty piece of work. How ridiculous to say you’re too old at 30. What does that even mean? It can be difficult to tell apart women aged from kate 20s to early 30s anyway so unless he means you’re not 19 then what is he saying?

Sadly, it’s very rare for men to leave a marriage/long term partnership simply because they’re bored or even have fallen out of love. They wait because it suits them to be taken care of and leave when they meet someone else. I’m sorry. You must look after yourself and ask him to leave. Do you still have your mum? Could she come and take care of you for a few days? I hope you do have some RL support.

He says he isnt attracted to you because you're old!?

What a horrible thing to say.
OP this man is a psychopath. Leave. Fast.

I work nights

He's online talking to someone while you are working, would be my first guess.