My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

I honestly appreciate every single message of advice from you all. I've been sobbing my heart out reading them and deep down I know you are all right. It just feels like I'm living in a nightmare at the moment!

He doesn't do much housework but to be honest I don't take it personal. He does have a mentally draining job and has been known to work 16 hours a day. I really cant take away from him that hes a fantastic dad. As soon as hes on a break he will give the children alot of attention.
I go to work when the children go to bed and he has a little routine with them which they love. So I really cant take that away from him, despite the lack of respect for me.
He has been so great to me too!
This is why I'm so confused?
I've been working at my current place for 4 years and up until a few weeks ago, every single night he would ring me on my way home (I live in the countryside so he wanted to make sure I got home ok) he would then wait outside for me to walk me in, despite it being 3/4/5am in the morning?

When I ask him what have I done wrong? He says nothing. He said he feels guilty but he just doesnt feel in love with me.
He said his head loves me but his heart doesnt?

Do you only have 2 hours' sleep a night?

I have 2/3 hours when I get home from work and try to have a hour nap during the day when the kids are at school :)

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like he checked out a while ago.

You've got to be strong now, for your kids and you and walk away with your head up high.

You can take that routine away to give them stability. You are so young, don't waste your life pining after him.

There someone else. A current someone else or a prospective someone else. But there's someone else. You would be crazy to stay with this joke of a man, counting down the days of the ten years he's willing to give you for the sake of the children. Run.

I wish I could give you a hug

Make a plan to leave. You will get through this but you need time and support.

The longer you stay with him the more he will destroy you emotionally. He is being cruel to you and not treating you with respect.

NHS website has good section about stress, depression and anxiety with wellbeing tips and support services. I think you should access Talking Therapies.

I know this is painful but he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated like this.

X

How on earth do you function on 3 hours sleep a day.

I’d be dead on my feet.

I’d sod the housework and get eight hours sleep.

I only work 4 nights a week so the nights I have off I go to sleep shortly after the children go to bed :)

@SophieH12

It is really bizarre, but men [some men] really do panic inwardly when they feel ''is this it'' ?

I too was left , so know how it feels.

Having spoken to men over the years, it does seem that they get bored , and having children{With an immature man} can really makes things go downhill fast.

DC's can act as a wedge rather than a glue to bind a couple together.

Men are very 'Visual' and can be quite arrogant...

I wonder if the impending marriage is 'freaking' him out?

Alarmingly a number of men have said:

''I never wanted to get married, but was nagged and persuaded into agreeing''

My own Ex DH admitted even on the night before our wedding that

''He took his last walk as a free man''

I'd never ever marry anyone again.

Most men like to be ''looked after'' but also like to have an adventurous sex life.

It really isn't easy, and is very painful to be left.

So sorry, OP.

How can you survive on that little sleep?... And why do you think him working 16 hours a day is a good thing,? There's something not quite right with this set up.... Firstly. Why are you working night shift at all with three kids? That's unsustainable , especially if you don't get to sleep during the day?

@SophieH12
As for you ''Being old'' at 30... What a prize twit.

You are in your prime...I'd love to be 30 again!

I'm so sorry OP. I had a similar thing in a previous relationship, out of the blue said he didn't love me, it was hard. I know numerous people in similar situations both with and without children. Relationships change and that can be hard for some people. Having grown up with parents who loathe each other and who "stayed together for the kids" I wouldn't advise this as a course of action. However I would hope after 10 years and 3 children he would consider couples therapy and at least trying to make it work. I've known DH 11 years, married 2. But we broke up twice and I was with aforementioned chap for over 3 years within that time period. Sometimes relationships are hard and you're not always on the same page. Who knows.

Also he’s not a peach for forcing himself to stay with you another ten years.

That’s the very convenient point where he won’t owe you any child maintenance.

This man has looked into everything very clearly.

You’ll be unmarried so he will own everything and you will have been the household skivvy who gets kicked out after ten years with nothing to show for it.

Be very careful.

He is not a nice man, he is not s good partner and an utterly shit dad. Being a fun parent for an hour here and there is not a great dad.

He told you he’s bored of you? I’m speechless. You poor thing.

Oh OP much love and sympathy to you! It sounds like the wedding plans have made him reconsider the idea of long term commitment. I think you said you've been together 10 years, making you both 20 & 21 when you got together. Maybe he feels he hasn't had chance to try out other relationships and feels he needs that?

Him saying you're too old at 30 is quite worrying. If he does reconsider and decide to stay with you, then how will he feel about you when you're 40, 50, 60 and 70? Thirty is very young. I hate to say it but I'd worry that he's sexually attracted to young women and not able to put that to one side to enjoy a mature long term relationship where both parties get old. Think about whether you really want to be with a man who dislikes you ageing. You need to be with someone who loves you as you age. I'm 48 and my husband still finds me attractive, I wouldn't want to be with him if he thought I was too old at 30, because he'd think of me as ancient now at 48!

He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(

I know this sounds blunt and apologies, but please have some self respect and leave him. The way he has pulled the rug without warning is heartbreaking, and it is hard to come to terms with, but if he is saying stuff like that then fuck no.

I think there is someone else and he actually has a lot of free time to talk to this other person.... If you're on nightshift four nights and early to bed the other three nights. I might be wrong but I have been there, and I suspected another person and was lied to and manipulated constantly. Knowing was so much better than that in the end.

I also think he's trying to get you to breakup with him so you're the bad guy. He can say "I told her I wanted to try , make it work but she said no,".... I might be projecting but the more I read of him, the less I like.

I don't think him working 16 hours a day is a good thing. It's just the role he is in is very demanding. It's not everyday that he works those hours.
What I mean is, he would work hard to ensure we still had a family/work life balance. So sometimes he would miss a few reports to have quality time with us, then at 11pm he would get back to his reports, so his work has become a huge part of our life. It's not a clock in/clock out job but it is a job that he does love, it just comes with a few sacrifices of long hours.
I had no choice to work night shift. We live rural and dont have help with childcare so we always had to work around each other. He can get home quite late so we are passing ships most nights.
We wanted nice things in life. We have a mortgage and things to pay so we found a routine that worked best for the children.
But it works. I'm happy with the routine, it is tiring but like I say...on a night off I will make sure I catch up on sleep :)

Do you what he does at night when you are at work?
He could lead another life quite well.

Sheesh. Does the daft idiot not realise that relationships change as they age? There will not be the thrill of the chase or the excitement of the new or the nervous butterflies before you meet after the initial glow has worn off.
This does not mean the relationship is worthless! Acting as if it is worthless shows you what an ignorant, immature (at best) DP you have.
Try to take your power back, OP.

* So it's such a heartbreaking situation to be in.*

Op, you seem to have a very romantic view if your relationship.
Your DP really really really doesn’t.

Read your OP back and now imagine your best friend was in same situation as you.

As for your DP, i would put my life savings on fact he has had his head turned and is trying to manipulate the situation so that you end it with him

Sorry but I agree with others. It sounds very much like he's had his head turned by another woman. Just because he has no social life etc doesn't mean he isn't playing away. My ex was carrying on with someone who lived a VERY long way away. I got the same spiel, didn't love me anymore etc, didn't feel like he should about me.
Could his anxiety be linked to feeling guilty or having something on his conscience?

I just really don't want to believe he has met anyone?
He is not secretive with his phone, he doesnt have social media?
Deep in my heart I dont think he would do that but then again I didnt think he would say all this.
Do you all really think he has met someone? :( but how?
I feel like when we are not working we are joint at the hip lol!?!?