My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

@BudeBudeBude

I thought there was another woman in your story? You had an attraction to someone else? I remember your thread. Unfortunately , and this isn't something that anybody likes btw. Men a( and women but to a different degree) do the same types of behaviours in situations when their heads been turned. No-one WANTS there to be another woman , ever.

@SophieH12

I think you need to walk very carefully and 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'. It was easy for him to want his little family back when that family was not there, but it's going to be much harder for him to actually behave the way a 'good family man' should behave in the long term. To be a good and faithful equal partner and a responsible and balanced dad.

Don't relax your guard. Things are going to be roses for now, when the shock of you actually leaving is still strong in his mind. But soon enough things will return to the 'humdrum' of everyday life. Much harder to 'hold the pose' then.

I think the two of you should have counseling, along with him having separate counseling. And FGS do not get married just yet. He has a long way to go to prove himself.

[quote User5688456333]@BudeBudeBude

I thought there was another woman in your story? You had an attraction to someone else? I remember your thread. Unfortunately , and this isn't something that anybody likes btw. Men a( and women but to a different degree) do the same types of behaviours in situations when their heads been turned. No-one WANTS there to be another woman , ever.[/quote]
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3950222-Catch-22

Hello everyone, thanks again.

I will be taking everything mentioned on board. I will not be skipping off in to the sunset with him any time soon nor will we be getting married until I feel I 100% trust his word.
It still hurts even though he has shown me some remorse. I keep feeling a wave come over me where I just want to cry my heart out. The children were at school today and he was at work and I just cried all day, even though he said sorry. I still feel really hurt by it all. However, from now on I have put a guard up. I'm still going to respect him and treat him how I want to be treated but I am also going to be wary as I have seen a different side to him now.

A few people have asked what tablets he has been prescribed. I think they are called Citalopram.

Also - a few have asked our financial situation. We have a joint account for all of outgoings I.e. mortgage , bills etc. We also have a joint savings account. We have 3 separate accounts set up for the children which we pay in to monthly, which they can have when they are 18/21 (depending on how sensible they are with money then lol)
We also have an account each which we can use to our own enjoyment once everything is paid/the children have everything they need :)
We set that up years a go and each month we equally have money transferred in to these accounts. We mainly done that as it was sometimes difficult to buy each other presents without seeing it on the joint account. Even though they are separate accounts we still consider them jointly. So we will use them to take the kids on holiday, family meals, decorating the house etc.

Thanks again everyone xxx

@BudeBudeBude thank you for your message and I'm sorry you have experienced that with your wife.

The only thing I would say is follow what you really feel and be 100% truthful to your wife. Being on the other end of it (like your wife) it is the most heart breaking, confusing thing you can go through. Even though my OH has said sorry and wants to make amends, it really has affected me and hurt me so much. I would hate your wife to ever feel the same. I do understand people can go through rough patches but making us feel unloved is horrible. For instance now he's said sorry, after making me feel worthless and ugly...there was no need to say that all in the beginning if he now wants to be with me. It just creates huge doubts.
If you love your wife, love her, look after her, respect her. That's all she wants, trust me :)
I'm glad you are working at it and I hope you both can make it work. I'm sure there is a spark still there somewhere but also..life is too short to be unhappy so you have to think of your future too. Dont feel guilty for not having the same feelings. You just have to be clear to her .
I wish you all the best though and appreciate your comment, it does make me understand it a little bit better from my OH perspective, as I know lots of people have commented about him cheating but deep down I don't believe he has, even though all his reactions add up to that. That's why I reached out for this as we had such an amazing relationship until recently and he used to tell me that. So I couldn't get my head around why.
But hopefully we can rebuild something xxx

His behaviour needs to be your red line.

How he chooses to treat you and pro actively rebuilding with 100% awareness of the depth of damage and this being his 100% responsibility. He has shattered your trust - he needs to rebuild this mindfully over many months.

In some ways it doesn’t matter if he treated you so cruelly because he was depressed, selfish, having an emotional or physical affair, or pining during a MLC.

He treated you with cruelty - that’s enough. That has to change. Don’t get distracted by the facts and his behaviour by other “excuses” or “explanations”. Look at what is right under your nose.

I hope you find happiness, but what he has said about his age and that he's 'used' to you are big warning signs. Don't be at all surprised if he has an affair one day or be arranging to sleep around on dating apps. If he's feeling like this at 31 one, what's he going to be like at 40? Buying expensive flash cars that you can't afford so he can drive around in it with his Barbie girlfriend??

I would lose so much respect for a man if he said a 30 year old woman was old. It's so ridiculous, its absolutely laughable.

About being 'used' to someone - some things are best left unsaid. He might want to tell you the truth, but it shows he lacks tact. I think you slowly have to realise that the man you're with is not the man you think you've been with for this whole marriage. Some people are very good at hiding their less savoury natures.

Also, heed this advice - everyone struggles, everyone has faults, but every time you stay with someone after they've crossed the line, done something ridiculous or disrespected you in some way, the message they are getting is 'This is awful, I'm not happy.....but I accept it'. There are exceptions of course, but many will interpret your choosing to stay as acceptance of their behaviour. They might protest otherwise, but that is what they feel deep down. The more bad things they do, the less & less they will respect you over time, and you will find yourself at the brunt of more & more disrespectful behaviour until you finally leave. Some people need to actually need to lose something before the curb their shitty behaviour. Unfortunately, after all that, it's often too late and the other person is too traumatised, bitter, angry and mistrustful to carry on.

@IncandescentSilver

Wow, a man who goes around having children with young women and leaving them when they're 30 isn't going to appeal to younger women! What a tosser!

The signs are all there as to what kind of man this is. I also think he has his eye on someone else.

Yeah. If I would have found out about that regarding a man I was interested in, I would have run a fucking mile when I was younger.

@everythingisginandroses

A few years ago I was washing the floor at 11pm after a long day at work. I thought to myself "Is this it? After this, I'm going to bed, then I have to get up and do it all again". Then I thought: "Yes, this is it. My reward is a clean floor, and then I get up and support my family. I don't get a fucking medal". I then went the fuck to bed.

There is nothing worse than living with some discontented tosser who thinks they are too special and important for the life they are living, and that they were made for better things.

Sorry you are going through this, OP.

I think everyone need to have this lesson, just to stay sane. There's nothing wrong with wanting better, but it keeps one's ego in check!

OP above all things... thank you for coming back.. so many OP's disappear ... so thank you and very best of luck to you 🌺

Thank you @BlueThistles, there was a time I used to frown upon forums but reaching out on here really made me see some sense. It was a huge comfort on a day I felt I was at rock bottom. So I'm hugely grateful to all of you.
Thanks for your best wishes. Take care xx

I think he's full of crap. When I had a breakdown and a "crisis" I did take it out on my partner, by snapping, looking for arguments etc. There is no way I would ever have said anything directly meant to hurt him though