My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

Has anyone else been in this situation?

I think most people have had their heart broken at some point.

And what advice can you give?

It's hard, but think of it this way: everybody gets over it. Being broken up with by someone you still love is horrible, but you get over it with time. I know that doesn't really make it any easier right now, but I just think you have to accept it and begin your process of moving on. The sooner you do that, the better. Don't try clinging onto something that will never be.

If someone said to me I was old at thirty I would immediately ask in comparison to who exactly?

OP this is terrible for you, I'm so sorry.

I can't help thinking that it may not have been his brother he was meeting at all. Something definitely rings alarm bells there, the way he reacted.

There is no way to make this any easier only I hope you keep coming here for support for as long as you need to.

In the ten years you have been together you both have moved on from boy/girl into man/woman. The man in him feels trapped. He never got to be daft, sleep around, sow his oats and now he feels he missed out. Not all men do feel this way but some do as do some women.

You were so young when you started playing happy families, that cannot last forever and it has not for him. It could have been you that felt this way. Either way it is sad.

This screams OW.

Something changed a few weeks ago when he stopped calling you after work and waiting up for you.

I suspect that coincided with him meeting someone else.

I would check his phone.

I am also guessing he definitely was not meeting his brother that day. Why would he arrange a two hour drive to a brother on a day you booked off together? None of it makes sense.

As others have said, you need to take back control of this situation. Tell him you are having the house valued as it will have to be sold. Say you need to sit down and work out how custody of the children is going to work.

This, stop being passive. He needs to face the reality of what he is saying to you. He is telling you the relationship is over. That mean, split the contents of the house, sell it, sort out finances and arrangements about the children. He will now need to find somewhere to live temporarily but with a view to somewhere he can have the children overnight.

He needs to leave. This weekend. This is his choice. He has chosen to end your relationship.

And I agree, he forgot you were off and the whole I am seeing my brother was a cover for I am meeting up with a new woman.

It is incredibly rare for a man, who has a partner who does housework, washes his pants, cooks his meals etc to leave and go to no one. I have been on MN 14 years, I have yet to see a man leave without running into the arms of another woman when the relationship he was in seemed perfectly fine. He is a dick of the highest quality. You need to find out what the fuck he does every night whilst you are working.

I don't think speculating over whether he has met someone else is helpful. Either way, he's not in love with you, your relationship needs to end, and you need to move on.

It was his brother he was meeting. I simply know this as his mum was ringing us both to see where he was (his brother is 14). I explained to her that day that OH was in a grump and wasn't coming now. So I 100% know he was meeting him.
It wasn't that I was even annoyed about seeing his family, I just was looking forward to quality time with him, especially as we planned it and even booked a table due to covid! So it's not like he forgot?
The day after I felt guilty after that pathetic disagreement so I booked golf for him and his brother (which I know was what he wanted to do) so he still got his day with his brother a couple days later which he so longed for...apart from he left me feeling like a worthless piece of rubbish. I thought it was just a mood he was in, hoping he would apologise but he hasn't.

Since then he has moments where he wants to be close to me (doesnt say sorry) and he backtracks again. He said he doesnt know what he wants all he knows is he's bored of his life. He said he couldnt go a day without seeing his kids but says he could live without me?
How charming!

They say all the nasty shit for 2 reasons.

First and foremost is to justify all their righteous reasons for having to stick their penis in someone else. How could he not when wife is old, nagging, boring, put on weight etc etc etc

Secondly, it's do destroy any remaining self confidence the woman has and plant seeds of self doubt and blame.
This ensures that she is less likely to move on so in 6 months time when it all goes to shit he can crawl back and she will be grateful because she thinks one else could possibly love her.

He has told you that you are old and boring and he is "used" to you.
This translates as, "I want to shag someone young and new"

The whole brother visit was bullshit. We all know it. You ruined his plans and he is punishing you.

PP was right. Time to get angry.

He said he couldnt go a day without seeing his kids but says he could live without me?

Please don't stay with him and accept being spoken to and treated this way, honestly it's appalling.

Sorry for the situation you are in, l really feel for you. I would let him go/give him space to work out what he wants. If you pressure him, this will come back and bite you if it's not addressed one way or another. Could he have cold feet about getting married?

He said he couldnt go a day without seeing his kids

Well he is going to have to get used to that pretty quickly. What an absolute knob. He will come to regret this op, mark my words. You sound like a lovely person, kind and giving - he has thrown away the most precious thing he has, but you have to get strong, really strong.

You need some cast iron big girl pants, and you can do this, you will manage and you will come out the other end op.

He may have been seeing his brother and also seeing the OW on the same day. Believe me if someone wants to cheat they will, despite how they have ‘no time’, despite how they are ‘always with me’. They will.

I’m really sorry OP. If there isn’t someone else then I’d find it hard to come back from ‘I don’t want to marry you because you’re old’.

Since then he has moments where he wants to be close to me (doesnt say sorry) and he backtracks again

This 'push/pull' behaviour is awful. It's unfair and intolerable. Honestly, I think it would be easier on you if you told him he needs to pack a bag and leave so he can have the space to think properly and decide what he wants. At least then you'd have some peace instead of this roller coaster of emotions he's putting you through.

Op, he has found someone else
I have been on MN for many years and have seen this happen many times.
OP’s dh/dp tells Op that he no longer loves her, that he is not attracted to her , that she’s a nag, etc etc.
Cue posters telling Op that her dh/dp has someone else.
Op maintains that her dh/dp would never cheat, because he’s not that kind of person , doesn’t have the time, is unsociable etc etc
Posters tell Op to dig around
Op discovers that her dh/dp is having either a physical or an emotional affair with someone else.
It’s the ‘script’ that everyone talks about on MN

Op, I know it’s difficult , but staying with this man is robbing you of your self esteem. He’s making you feel like shit.
It’s up to you as to whether you want to put up with this crap

Have a good cry, then change the locks. Call your best friends. He doesn't get to hurt you like this.

@Whatsnewpussyhat - agree with your post.
He’s deliberately keeping her hanging.
He wants to sleep around with some new woman and keep Op in place just in case things go wrong with the new woman

Don't assume his family will tell you the truth about him meeting his brother. My sister in law, who had been in my life 17 years, godmother to my then one year old, covered for her brother when he stayed out all night with his bit of strange and told her dad and I that he had crashed at hers after a night out.

Don't assume you know him right now. He is a stranger to you. He sees you as an enemy, his opponent to happiness. Treat him as such.

@SophieH12

Just replying to a few comments asking what we fell out over a few weeks ago.. He had a day off work and the kids were at school. We planned to go for breakfast that day but on the morning we had planned after he dropped the kids to school he said he was going to visit his brother. I said...oh I thought we were going for breakfast. He then got really defensive and grumpy saying he promised his brother (he forgot he made plans with us both) In return I just said well can you not just visit him on Friday when we are down that way as I was really looking forward to our time together. (His brother lives 2 hours a way)

I did not mean to come across as controlling or dictating in any way that day. I was just excited to have time with him as we never have a child free day. He has a very close bond with his family and sees them often so it's not like he never sees them. But now I feel guilty for wanting a fucking fry up with him.
And that's when it all started. He started saying he doesnt care about time together etc. He didnt end up going to see his brother that day, nor did we go for breakfast. It just ended in a day with him saying these shocking things

So you had pre-arranged plans which he ‘forgot’. He then went ahead with the plan to see his brother but was defensive at you for expecting him to honour his original date with you? He ‘promised’ you first therefore should have called his brother to say he double booked and rearranged. This tells me that you are not his priority. I see a pattern here OP. It’s all about him, what he wants, what he feels and you have just resigned yourself to not being his priority. Stop pandering to him. YOU matter! Make you and your DC your priority from now on. As other PP have said, get angry! Get legal advice, get your ducks in a row then give him an ultimatum. He’s either all in or he’s out!

Btw, did he really go to his brother's?

I don't think he has necessarily found someone else.

But he probably would like to.

I think he is having an early mid life crisis - he works hard, and in his mind you are part of the tedium that he feels his life has become. This is unfair of him, because part of the reason his life has become like this is because of his job.

You are very young OP - you have plenty of time to find someone else.
Hell, even if you waited till the kids were grown and were 40, that is still young - you'll be kid free, still youthful. There's a whole new exciting life when you are ready for it, with someone new who really respects and loves you.

You seem to have done a lot to make this man happy. It’s become so normal that he doesn’t value it because he is so used to it. He’s taking you, and all you do, for granted. That is going to make him feel the need for something more, something new and more exciting.

Stop doing anything for this man. Let him find this more, new, exciting life he craves. Use the time yourself to live an independent life and create something good for yourself.

He will soon realise that what he thinks is out there is just fantasy. By that time you will be in a stronger position yourself and can make your choices when your heart is no longer broken and you have found your power and your strength.

Sending you much love.

At 31 he's not having a mid-life crisis, but this website is brilliant and will prepare you for what is to come. Forewarned is forearmed.

midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm#:~:text=MIDLIFE%20For%20Dummies%20Welcome%20to%20the%20wonderful%20world,intrigue%20and%20guaranteed%20to%20turn%20you%20inside%20out%21

Old at 30, that alone makes him more stupid than an amoeba, and presumably utterly decrepit himself. What's his life plan, to barrel through 20 year olds and dump them every ten years? Good luck with that, mate, I hope you're rich and age like Harrison Ford.

And he lets you go on three broken hours of sleep half the week while doing all the shitwork, and fucks you around with marriage? (Did the subject ever come up before you had the kids?) When did he ever show he cared for you? What do support and love look like?

He's not who you thought he was. I can only imagine the devastation. Whether there is another woman or not (his brother???), even if he decides he regrets this, he isn't principled, he isn't decisive, he isn't kind, he isn't able to handle the fact that time passes for everyone, he isn't honest about his history, he isn't anything a man should be.

Op this happened almost exactly to me. 12 years in (5 married) and young children. 2 months before discovering OW he told me he didn't think he loved me any more etc. I moved out for a week - he couldn't be more sorry, made a mistake. So I moved back. In the weeks/days leading up to the discovery of his affair his behaviour was just as you describe. First he was sorry, then it was all my fault. It was hell. He re wrote history - he was perfect and I was abusive/controlling etc. I checked his phone one night after my gut instinct become too strong to ignore. It was enough for me to leave. Please don't waste anymore time on him. It may take time but you will feel so much better and will look back and realise you deserve so so much better.