My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

There is nothing worse than living with some discontented tosser who thinks they are too special and important for the life they are living, and that they were made for better things.

I love this.

I could have written this sorry tale almost word for word, but the mistake we made was struggling along for 8 years after we called off our wedding. Looking back, it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference to the kids if we had separated right away, in fact the complete opposite, and tbh I should have told him to fuck off at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I'm single now and couldn't be happier. And I'm a lot bloody older than 30

hes not attracted to me because I'm old

I was actually feeling sorry for the both of you there....but then I read his comment. Oh my fucking God. What an absolute asshole. If he really thinks this he should never have told you. It can give someone serious issues and it sounds utterly pathetic. I'm in my mid 30s so he would probably think of me as practically geriatric! What on earth is he going to do when he gets older???
So he's going to ditch all future partners once they reach their expiry date of 30??

So what age group does he want then? I'm guessing teens? I can only imagine the kind of porn he watches!!!

I don't think he sounds very well at the moment. And is not behaving well - no excuse for that.

I feel hugely sorry for you.

I do hope he sorts himself out and treats you better before he destroys everything.

The one thing I would say is...it was a bit controlling/condescending to tell his mum he's in a grump and not coming to see his brother now. It sounded like he was a stroppy toddler when actually, it was your idea for him not to go and he was in a difficult position where going would probably mean coming back to a glacial home. If that's indicative of the way things are generally, I can understand why there might be underlying tensions that you're blithely oblivious to.

But as I say, he's being awful and my overriding feeling is massive sympathy - no one deserves this and he has responsibilities to talk and listen, not deciminate his children's mother like this.

I would call the wedding off. It's clearly not the right time and he can't start/stop things without everything changing. How would you enjoy it now.

Wow, a man who goes around having children with young women and leaving them when they're 30 isn't going to appeal to younger women! What a tosser!

The signs are all there as to what kind of man this is. I also think he has his eye on someone else.

I can't believe he called you old when you are still VERY young at 30. That's just ridiculous.

The probability he has met someone else is very high. It's either that or he's definitely having a commitment crisis, which is a bit too late after making a life with you and having kids.

I do feel for you OP as it's going to be a hard path going forward. Either way, your relationship is over. I'm sorry xx

Hi everyone, thanks for the continued messages of support.

Over the weekend we had a discussion about everything. As much as I wanted to beg and cry for him, I took on all of your advice and stayed strong. I said to him if he strongly feels this way then it is over. I said I will not stay with him just for our children. (It was really hard to say that, as I felt like I was lying to myself because I really don't want to lose him) but I stayed strong and took on every piece of advice I read from all of your comments. I didn't get nasty or bitter. I simply said it's a 100% loving relationship or we break up respectively for our children.

To my surprise he started crying (I wasn't shouting he just broke down) He started saying he can't believe what he's been putting me through and that he doesn't mean anything that he has said. He said he can see that he has hurt me and is feeling full of regret.

I did mention some of the comments he said, I.e. about me being old because I'm 30 and he said...don't be silly of course I didn't mean that.

He really opened up about how he feels. He said he just feels so overwhelmed with life, working, raising the kids and us having a mortgage to pay. He said it sounds harsh but sometimes it would just be easier to go and live back with his mum and have an easy life again.

So he said he didn't realise but he has took it all out on me. He also said in the same breath that the children and I are all he could ever wish for so he doesn't know why he is acting this way.
I said to him how come for the last few weeks you have been saying different but now you are feeling the opposite.
He said something clicked in his head on Friday when he was at work. He had to interview someone but it turned out being an old friend. His friend was asking how his family etc were and he replied "they're great I've got an amazing little family" he said he felt so proud to talk about us all and that's when he realised that he has caused so much upset.
So...
He has been sort of putting it all on his anxiety/tablets but I'm not sure if that's a good enough reason? Maybe I just don't have much knowledge on mental health and how it can affect you. So I will have to do some research on anxiety as I'll openly admit I'm ignorant to it and don't understand it.
Either way he wants to work things out and obviously that's all I want too. So I feel happier today. I know it will be a while before we can rebuild trust and feel 100% again but I do love him and I know deep down this has all been so out of character.

This morning he seemed a lot happier too. He kissed us all goodbye and when he got to work I had a text saying ...I love you so much.
I understand it may all look a little soon after everything he has said but I really feel like he is trying and I believe in us.

There's been some really cruel things said which is hard to forgive at the moment but a part of me feels a bit sorry for him as crazy as that sounds when I have been the one feeling hurt.
I only ever wanted to make him happy. We did create a family very young and when I look at my life compared to others my age I guess we have alot going on. However, that can't be changed and even though my life is soooo hectic I actually wouldn't change it for the world. I've got 3 healthy children...I couldn't wish for anything more.

We both agreed we need more date nights and he has promised never to make me feel so degraded again. His doctor has also said to him his diet might be having an affect on his mood. He is a vegan ( I wouldnt say the healthiest) so the doc said he might be lacking in certain things I.e. glucose etc. So he has a blood test booked for the end of the month.

So...
I just wanted to say thanks to you all. I felt so low the other day and I hate putting my problems on to family. So opening up to you all has meant a lot and it gave me strength
Thank you xx
Sorry for the long message

Hi Sophie. That is a good update and well down for taking on board all the advice and staying calm and rational. It sounds like there is real potential for things to get back in track. However, one thing stood out for me in what you said:
When you mentioned him saying that you were old at 30 he said “Don’t be silly of course I didn’t mean that”. How DARE he accuse you of being “silly” for believing something he said?! Just be very very careful here of him turning his words back in you, accusing you of overrreacting or wilfully misunderstanding his words. What he should have said here was “I am sorry. I know what I said and how it must have made you feel and I don’t know why I said it because I really do not think that. Please accept my apology.”

Calling you “silly” is demeaning, belittling and a red flag. Is he suggesting he can say whatever the hell he likes and you are supposed to have a sixth sense about what is true and what is nonsense? Good luck but please be careful.

@CheetasOnFajitas
I understand what you are saying, thank you. He was full of apologises and I guess him saying that does come across as belittling. He said he feels full of guilt and understands it will be a while before I trust in us again. He did say he is going to do everything he can to prove he loves me. I did say I don't want grovelling or gifts. I just want to feel respected and love, so will just work on that now.

I just hope there is another outbreak like that again where we are both left questioning the relationship, as I know it will be wrong to continue if so.
Thanks so much for your message xx

I have to agree with CheetasOnFajitas that you need to be careful for now. He has to accept that your feelings are valid, and calling you silly does seem to imply differently.

He has to accept and own everything he said if he wants to rebuild the trust; your update sounds great, but you were right in saying that it'll take time for it to be rebuilt.

Well done op for staying strong op. Most of all, I am glad you are in a happier place.

Like the others, I would say "proceed with caution". He said very hurtful things which will be hard to forget.

There may not be another woman on the scene, but men do behave like your DH did, and have huge wobbles, when there are. So do be careful.

Also, what strategies is your DH putting in place to improve his mental health? Anxiety like this does not occur in a vacuum and, if he is being genuine, he is feeling very stressed and overwhelmed. Would it be possible for him to reduce his work hrs? Would it be possible for both of you to live more frugally and both reduce your hours and share the childcare more equally? (I am assuming you do more if he works 60 hrs a week.) If his poor mh caused these issues, then he needs to focus actively on doing something about it. Just going back to doing the same things in the same way is unlikely to result in any improvement.

Lastly, I know you don't want to burden family and friends but none of our relationships are perfect. I would try and identify the most understanding, non-judgemental and discreet member of your circle and confide in them for ongoing support and advice. Maybe a friend would be more objective than a family member?

This is good to hear. He has a lot to make up to you, so just make sure he really is a changed man.

I will add yet another caveat, although it kind of feels like I'm pissing on your parade, but it's better that you know about these scenarios so you can make more solid judgements and know what to look out for.

Bear in mind that this is NOT about your particular situation, but a general overview:
In abusive relationships, very often the first time a man is overtly abusive (especially physically, which I know didn't happen to you) and you react, he will break down and cry, swear he loves you, swear he never meant to hurt you and swear black and blue that he will never do it again, that you all mean so much to him and he doesn't know how he could ever have done that to you.
And things will be fine for a short while, until the next time.
And you react and say "that's it, I'm done" and there's a repeat performance, with the crying and swearing he'll change, but it's a bit less. And the time lapse until the next episode is shorter.
And so it goes on - until you are too beaten down to react, you feel you can't leave because each time he is better for a while, and each time you hope that THIS time will be the one where he manages to actually change for good.
But he never does.

So - while your husband MIGHT have had an epiphany and realised how good he actually has got it, bear in mind that it might NOT be that. Calling you "silly" for believing his incredibly hurtful words is definitely not a good sign, as Cheetas picked up. He knows you love him and want him to change - and will do YOUR best to make him happy - but just be wary. And the minute he starts with the shit talk again, tell him that is IT and get rid, because if he does do it again, then you could well be on the above path to a full-blown abusive relationship.

@SophieH12 - bottom line, Sophie, is that you sound bloody awesome. You have dealt with this in such a mature way. You stood your ground and clearly asserted your boundaries and requirements. You made clear that you are going to be led by your head as well as your heart i.e. you're not going to let your feelings of love for your husband cloud your judgment and excuse what has been extremely bad behaviour on his part.

Your clear-sightedness and boundaries no doubt make you an excellent mother also.

Hopefully this was just a wobble based on the pressures that you're both under in your current lifestyle but you've made clear you will be keeping it under review and won't tolerate a repeat. Sounds like a very good basis for moving forward.

As PP have said, do please find someone to reach out to IRL as well and keep posting here if you ever do need support again.

Whilst a little bit off topic, and maybe not that helpful I would like to put it in perspective from someone who sounds like they are in your husband's shoes. (I have another thread open).

Last year I told my wife that I wasn't in a good place, things needed to change. It felt like a mid-life crisis. We had sex once a year (that was in a good year), life was just about work and going out and socialising and I was exhausted. I got to a point where I could no longer go. I broke down.... I didn't want to live the rest of my life like this. Whilst we didn't have kids, we both worked long hours and led busy social lives. Sometimes when the elastic is stretched then it doesn't take much to snap. Lockdown made it all very worse for me, and pushed me into a dark place.

I've in the past been very detached from my feelings and I knew living in a sexless marriage in your 30s wasn't normal but I buried my head in the sand. I didn't speak about it, I didn't express it but chose to suppress it all. So when the elastic snaps and it all comes out, it can be painful for everyone. I'm trying to work things out with my wife now through therapy and between ourselves. There are times I have said stupid and hurtful things in trying to resolve the issues - not that its right or ok. But it can be very hard trying to navigate at times. This is also my only ever relationship. It makes it harder I believe

My wife doesn't seem to experience the same feelings in the relationship as I am. She says she is happy, wants to start a family yet the lack of sex isn't an issue for her. I've realised that a lot of resentment has set in. And what makes it worse is my wife just saying that if I hold her hand, or be a bit romantic then it will all be fine. All I want to do is become more detached.

It took me nigh on half a year to admit to my wife that I'd lost sexual attraction to her. There were times when I thought it would be easier to take my own life than admit that. Now that I have done it, I still feel guilty and a failure.

And I have made mistakes - I have been complacent in the relationship and never had the balls to address issues. One of the benefits of that elastic snapping was a huge increase in self-awareness. This in turn has made me a lot more empathetic. I relate to your husband somewhat, and in turn have some sympathy for him. And likewise yourself, I can see it in my wife and its all very hard. I really hope you are ok.

Most posters on here seem predisposed to drill it into your head that there is another woman. All I would say is that only you are able to come to that decision - you have more information than anyone else. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. All you can do is talk, listen and do you bit to provide a space where both of you can feel like you can be honest with each other. Whilst at the same time, protecting yourself and your children - you are 50% of the relationship and this can't all be about him.

It sounds like you are doing all this already, I wish you the best of luck

That all sounds very positive at the moment, but I agree be wary of being lulled into a false sense of security.

Protect yourself in case he has another "wobble"

I suffer from serious mental illness myself mainly an anxiety disorder - ocd - it CAN make me act in odd ways but it DOESN'T change who I am at heart and what and who is important to me.

It might be useful to post what meds he's on as some can have strange effects, but rarely change who a person really is.

The house is in both names which is good, how are the finances arranged? Do you have an account of your own separate from him? If not I think it would be a good idea for you to get one, not just in case of a split but in case of other erratic behaviour so you have a safety net for you and dc.

I'm worried you may be so relieved that he's staying with you for now that you might sweep this al under the rug and be blindsided when it escapes the rug again.

You handled things really well and I know that would have been so hard, but you need to keep being strong and practical

Have a look at the side effects for the medication he has started.

@BudeBudeBude

All I want to do is become more detached.

Well you should leave then. Stop wasting your time and hers.

I am v v impressed at your emotional intelligence and resilience. You posted here in a state of shock and despair. You selected and took on board appropriate advice and your approach to him was impeccable given the hurt inflicted on you.

Your mature and stable approach has stopped the situation deteriorating and opened up a dialogue.

This must be a massive relief to you. A relief also that an OW is not apparent and that he responded with sensible words.

However - don’t be “fobbed off”. His behaviour has ripped your heart out and nearly torn your little family apart. HE needs to do everything consistently and constantly to NEVER expose you and your DCs to this again.

I would start as others have said in equalling up your RS. You are the family donkey here. That’s not a kind and respectful position for you to be in. So a full restructuring of time / chores and responsibilities needs negotiating, implementing and monitoring. In addition fun, joy, rest and separate adult activities outside of the family need prioritising and scheduling in first and the drudge falls in behind.

However HE needs therapy to face off this unresolved issue with his DF. “Workaholism” is a well documented “coping strategy” addiction that many emotionally repressed / unstable people indulge in.

I have worked in many v senior and busy roles over the years and see many men “avoiding family life” lost in work when it’s unproductive and unnecessary to the role.

So for you and especially your DC - get him to a therapist to deal with his significant DF abandonment issues otherwise his anxiety will never go away, his workaholism will keep him emotionally and physically unavailable to his DCs and as with every repressed system he will blow out or seethe out on to you continually.

Know that you are the emotionally balanced, secure and intelligent person holding this family together. Insist he deals with his issues that risk taking this all under....and your DCs and you deserve much better.

Ensure he is crystal clear where the responsibility to reflect, change and grow lies and you need to see committed and sustained action from him.

Don’t let your relief from the trauma he put you through trick you into a false sense of security.

Sorry op, they all do that. Don’t fall for it, tempting as it is.

You took the decision away from him, he wanted the power over you (hence the negging) and he obviously hasn’t got a secure second prospect lined up ready (yet).

Now you are more ‘attractive’ to him because you were about to force him out if his comfort zone and make yourself unattainable.

Just watch what he does/how he behaves after he feels he has hit his feet under the table again. The insults will start again subtly.

Yes Bude sorry but that line about your wife wanting affection making you feel detachwd, wtf? It seems too obvious to write it down but you do know that if a woman experiences little romance or affection outside the bedroom, she is hardly going to feel in the mood to have sex. In fact she will feel used.

@BudeBudeBude - I am so sorry that you have been to such a dark place but glad to see you are both in therapy and that you are emotionally literate and engaged in the process. It seems that you are terrified that the sexual attraction won’t return and what this means for you. If having made significant efforts then it’s totally fine to declare that you are simply not compatible and the RS is unsatisfying. Do this before any DCs are planned and do not feel guilty - but feel proud that you have called it sooner rather than later.

I would also ask if there is substance abuse and or workaholism also at play and if these have been addressed. Also as OPs DH unresolved childhood issues with parents etc - because these will just continue to plague and haunt you in subsequent RS.

These words:

And what makes it worse is my wife just saying that if I hold her hand, or be a bit romantic then it will all be fine. All I want to do is become more detached.

Are worrying.

Have you tried to hold her hand, to show daily tenderness and affection that are not aimed at sex? Maybe you find this level of intimacy abhorrent or disingenuous or threatening?

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

You literally exemplify my point exactly. Because sometimes being a human is not black and white. I love my wife, I feel guilt and hurt for having these feelings to the point where I just thinking ending it would be the easiest option.

MNers throw out these short almost throwaway comments like LTB, porn, OW, whatever. Maybe if a few people took breath and just thought that actually there may be a person there who is not in a great place. They are humans that are prone to failure, making mistakes or hiding their feelings.

I dont want to derail this thread. So I will end it there. I wish the OP the best of luck.

I think you need to be massively careful here op. I have experience of depression and anxiety and I do think you can hit out at time and be hurtful. But I'm really not sure this can be blames on his anxiety and medication.

As pp's have said you should be cautious and he might have backed off as he realised you were standing your ground. As @Badbanana watch how he is in a few weeks time.