My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

As @Zaphodsotherhead so eloquently put it..

How fucking dare he?

Seriously, how fucking dare he.

I’ve been in a similar situation to this and I know it shocks you to the core.

He needs to lose you. He really does. Have you got family or friends you can stay with for a while? It will give you space to cry, to rant. Do not cry or rant in front of him. Be calm, be cool, let him see you get on with your life.

He needs to lose you and maybe then he might realise how great you are.

I’m furious for you OP.

Agreed on the someone else. Take back the power OP. Tell him to leave. You don't need his crumbs or the next 10 years wasted in a dead end relationship.

You've been together a long time to not already be married. Three children and still not married. Sorry OP but this sounds like he's had his fill and is bored.

Sounds like you've not been spending much time with each other at all in the midst of work/life/parenting.

But regardless of that he has behaved disgustingly. Call you "old" at 30?! What kind of messed up shit is that? If that's the case him at 31 must mean he's absolutely ancient no?

I agree with some previous PPs that he does sound like he's rewriting history.

I think you need to get the upset and tears out of your system (in private - don't give him the satisfaction) and find your anger and go cold and please do not play the pick me dance or beg. Don't agree to his "I'll graciously stay for another 10 years but don't blame me if I shag around because I clearly told you you're old and unattractive and I'm just doing this for the kids" BS . Show him where the door is, maybe if you show him you're fine and leave him to it he will snap out of whatever this is and see what he's about to loose, if not then you are well rid of this bastard.

@SophieH12

When I ask him what have I done wrong? He says nothing. He said he feels guilty but he just doesnt feel in love with me. He said his head loves me but his heart doesnt?

@SophieH12 Has he ever ''Sown his wild oats?''

Men who get into a relationship very young, and who have been with the same partner, monogamously, can sometimes feel

''I want to see what sex is like with other people''.

They think the grass is greener.

But... it often isn't.

A chap {30's} was unfaithful to his lovely partner and mother of their DC and then said ''I have made a dreadful mistake.. Sure, the sex with {OW} was exciting, but I just want my family back''

It is so difficult.

Men have also said ''When I was young, girls weren't interested...But now I am married/in a relationship, I get loads more attention''

The bottom line is often down to sex..or lack of it.

Fuck him. Don’t beg. I’m another one who thinks he’s probably had his head turned. Ask if he will have some couples counselling to get to the root of this. He owes you that much. I’m so sorry. But still, I repeat, fuck him.

And @SophieH12 I know it's really hard but please don't fixate on his reasons or a potential OW.

Just don't, he's been an utter dick to you regardless of the above. Let him loose you and see how he likes it when you're no longer begging and pleading and all of a sudden he's not getting any attention.

You know what really pisses me off..it’s the “I’ve been feeling this way for a long time”. Ok, big man, so why didn’t you say something? Do something about it? Why tell me one day you love me / want to make me your wife then tell me that you’re not sure / don’t love me / can’t see a future?

It’s weak, it’s pathetic. You are way, way, way too good for this OP.

Please don’t let yourself be treated like this. He’s now going to have to say all sorts of shit to justify why he is behaving like this. Be prepared for this. He may give you a whole list of things he is ‘unhappy’ about with you. If he does this, do not listen to him. It’s his way of justifying unjustifiable behaviour.

Make a plan for yourself this weekend. Do something nice for you.

It sounds as if Perhaps he isn’t happy with the routine.

@frazzledasarock

Also he’s not a peach for forcing himself to stay with you another ten years.

That’s the very convenient point where he won’t owe you any child maintenance.

This man has looked into everything very clearly.

You’ll be unmarried so he will own everything and you will have been the household skivvy who gets kicked out after ten years with nothing to show for it.

Be very careful.

He is not a nice man, he is not s good partner and an utterly shit dad. Being a fun parent for an hour here and there is not a great dad.

OP, you need to regain the power here. He needs to go now. Let him sort his own shit out.

You're unmarried and you don't have any legal protections for your 10 years together.

I'd end it now. I really do think there's someone else he's got his attention on.

I'm sure there'll be posters who can give you advice for getting your ducks in a row.

Look, he’s said some very direct, very hurtful stuff.

Put aside your (very natural) reactions, and call his bluff.

Stop wringing your hands, out loud, in his presence.

Call a solicitor, start talking to him about how your life apart would look. Even if it’s killing you inside to do so.

Millions of men have relationship commitment ‘wobbles’. Then crave vague ideals of ‘freedom’. Truth is, if they seperate (with kids) for real, they’re looking at a worse life. Less freedom, more housework, more money out each month, etc. Not the single life joys they seem to think they miss/are owed.

You (sadly) need to give him a taste of his ‘new life’ in time for him to think again. After he’s really wallowed in that reality, it will be your turn to decide what your preferences are, and what terms you might take him back on.

I get that you’re in shock right now, and that’s very hard. But a bit of calm, rational strategic thinking now will work better down the track.

Mumsnet is good for sympathy, but it’s even better for strategy. Use it.

Good luck.

@SophieH12

I just really don't want to believe he has met anyone? He is not secretive with his phone, he doesnt have social media? Deep in my heart I dont think he would do that but then again I didnt think he would say all this. Do you all really think he has met someone? :( but how? I feel like when we are not working we are joint at the hip lol!?!?

There's always a way to meet someone. You aren't joined at the hip, you work nights, you aren't together all of the time. Just because you don't think he would do it doesn't mean he won't do it. Keep talking on here it will help you lots. It helped me when I was in your boat saying the same things as you are.

There's a script and he's following it to the letter. He has to rewrite history and tell himself he's been unhappy for a long time to justify his head being turned.

You are doing the pick me dance and it never does any good. You need to call his bluff and tell him to get the fuck out if he doesn't love you. At this point, begging him to fix it is actually making you look weak and pathetic in his eyes. Google "The 180" and use it to help you emotionally detach from the situation.

He doesn't have to be secretive with his phone. He could have a second phone that he uses when you're on nights. There are loads of messaging apps that you can hide on your phone to conduct an affair, secret photo vault apps that look like calculators until you put in the correct code.

It's depressing that there is a whole load of technology designed to facilitate affairs.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt,OP, it was an incredibly hurtful thing he said, in a very blunt way.

I'm curious – what was the disagreement about that prompted him to say it? It sounds like there might be a bit of a back story?

Do NOT wait for ten years with this man op. You are only 30 and even if you can't imagine at this moment ever being with anyone else, you are young and have time to be happy again.

Once you are over forty it will be so much harder to start again on your own.

He has told you now, so op get your finances in order and ask him to leave. He wants to go? He should go. This is going to be a rocky few months but living with someone that doesn't love you will break you. It will damage your self esteem, your confidence - and how can you be happy living in this knowledge? It is impossible.

Call the wedding off, and start a trial separation now, he needs to move out. It is about time he understood the consequences of what he has said to you. Don't love him more than you love you and your kids.

It is unbelievably shitty thing to do, and he is not the man you thought he was. Take your power back, and you call the shots.

Please tell me that you have worked out the finances, because if you have three children and are not married, you need to look at this urgently and carefully.

I went through the same previously OP it's so sad. He is following the script to the letter, there will be someone else. I said the same, he wouldn't possible do it, doesn't use social media, has no time etc etc. It was a woman at work.

You need to go the full 360 (give it a google). It's really, really hard to do, but I really wish I had done it properly when I look back!

Not to be crass OP but how old were you when you met? Did he have much experience of sex of relationships before you? Maybe he thinks he is missing something by not ‘exploring’?

Regardless, it’s very cruel what he is doing. This man does not love you the way that you love him

sorry I meant do a 180!

Read what @Girlzroolz wrote and then read it again!

People managed to have affairs long before social media came along. The "old" remark would have got him thrown out by me (and it's not only rude, it is utter bullshit. He has a younger model, count on it).

He could have met someone online he talks to while you're at work. That's what my exH did and he changed just like that, became someone I know longer knew.

Why can't he get up and get the kids ready for school and drop them off before he leaves for work?

He doesn't need social media to have an affair....and he could easily have a hidden app for contact , or a second phone.... It's not hard. My ex did it for over a year and I was there most of the time. Just had no reason to suspect anything.

People say it's not helpful to consider that there is another woman but I have been there and it is so much better to know than not to know, especially when it looks like he's trying to get you to actually end the relationship. He can sail off with all the "I tried my hardest" and when his girlfriend comes out of the woodwork a couple if months down the line he's all "but I'm just trying to move on, you are the one who ended the relationship".

Just find out either way because he is following the script to the letter , with a few little cruel comments added on.

Either way , I think your relationship is over. He's a prick.

PS when I met DH he was 33. I was over 40, so was actually pretty "old". The age thing is not relevent, he is just betraying what is really going on which is that he has a younger woman.

This is a long shot, and I've read all your posts so I wanted to mention it. You say that he's said you're old and he bored of you (clearly you are not old and it wounds that until recently you were good together). However, you also says he works exceptionally long hours etc - is he definitely saying he is bored of you (personally) or that he's bored with the life you have together and feels you are both old before your time? Could it be that he's looking for some challenge should could do together - I don't know like emigrating to Oz together (both of you and the kids) and find new jobs or whatever? I just mention this as until very recently he's seemed so into you re the wedding etc. Just another perspective.

You're are in no way old! Who the hell does he think he is?! This comment on its own shows you what kind of man he is, like women have some sort of expiration date.

Honestly you should leave, don't waste your precious time on this idiot.

Move him out now

Seriously

Start doing more things with girlfriend's and hobbies and stuff (of course it's a harder with covid atm)

And move him out

He sounds cruel