My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

When my husband was being this nasty, he was seeing someone else.

Maybe he hoped to drive me away rather than have to end the marriage himself?

Who knows?

Don't demean yourself Op-he doesn't want you.

I mean this kindly, you haven't got time to sit there and be shocked and horrified, I know that you are - but you need to think very clearly. Your children are now relying on you making the right decisions now.

Call the solicitor
Get your finances in order
Change your passwords

His needs to move back to his parents or elsewhere as soon as possible.

At the moment he thinks he can drop this bombshell on you, and you can keep paying the bills, cleaning and looking after the kids for the next decade whilst he lives the life he wants and has you at his beck and call??? No it does not work that way.

I am hoping you can find your anger op, because this is no way to treat someone.

Ask him to leave immediately and let him know you are deadly serious. It is not going to look so rosy then. Manage it with your dc by saying Daddy is working away for a bit, and let the whole thing settle.

It is time to stop saying you love him more than life itself, and start thinking practically and clearly how you are going to manage...step by step. It is shit, of course it is, but now is not the time to think about what could have been.

it makes me feel physically sick to think he has most likely met someone else :'(
My head feels so muddled. It was his idea to book our wedding a year a go. He told both of our families that he wanted to finally call me his wife.
He wanted me to have his last name. And I couldnt wait to finally share the same name as the love of my life and little family.
I was never in a rush to get married as in my eyes we already had a marriage, it would of just been nice to have our special day to celebrate our love...which he told me he wanted to. I mean we have even picked every table decoration etc. It was his idea to name all the tables after our favourite beaches.
So can you see why my head is so confused?
We have been engaged since 2012 but we decided that saving to buy a house was more important. Then came along our 3 children. Then we uprouted to live in the countryside. So we spent money making the house a home for the kids. Our priority was always to get straight first. I knew I would always have that special day one day, as in my heart I seen my life with him.
So we always did intend to get married but when our priorities were in place. We don't really have supportive families so everything we do we have worked hard for ourselves.
So we felt like a good team. He felt like my best friend and my everything. He made me feel so loved up until recently this is why it hurts to see all of this.
Everytime we had a day off we would make the absolute most of it. We are always going on little adventures.
So I just feel so so so sad :(

So sorry OP, it sounds to me like he's had his head turned, doesn't want to get married and doesn't wants a family.
Unfortunately men always turn nasty when they have their eye on someone else. They try to justify their decision by rubbishing you and there is no way he will stay another 10 years, that is just spouting crap.
My husband did the same. The relationship with the OW failed, he asked to come back and I told him to get stuffed. Men like this are not "soul mates" they are just disgusting and I don't want a disgusting Judas in my life who will put his own children through this for a whiff of immature pussy. Yuck.

@SophieH12

I sound so crazily in denial but I don't believe he has met anyone else. He is not one for social media etc and he would happily let me go on his phone etc if I wanted. Not that I ever felt the need to search for anything, as I have honestly felt that secure with him

Now is the time for you to look! You say he isn't one for social media, but you don't really know that - you don't really know what he's doing when you're at work and the DC are in bed. He could be online gaming, and meeting women there, if not general social media.

up until a few weeks ago, every single night he would ring me on my way home (I live in the countryside so he wanted to make sure I got home ok) he would then wait outside for me to walk me in, despite it being 3/4/5am in the morning?

So what happened a few weeks ago? Sounds like something significant has taken place.

As PP have said, this is the time that you take charge. He's told you he doesn't want to be with you, so he needs to go. You need to make sure your finances are separated before you do that though, so he can't take all your savings.

Do you all really think he has met someone? sad but how?

Err when you are at work and he is feeling lonely stuck in the house because there are 3 children in bed.

At the moment he thinks he can drop this bombshell on you, and you can keep paying the bills, cleaning and looking after the kids for the next decade whilst he lives the life he wants and has you at his beck and call??? No it does not work that way.

This ^ he has told you he does not love you so why the fuck is he still in the house with you?

Also agree with pp's to go and have a few days to yourself at a friend's or family's house.

Then come back with a clearer head and a plan and get him to move out

He can still be a dad to the kids and all that stuff
He dousnt need to string you along for another 10 years 'for the kids'. He can be present for them and parent them wether your together or not.

Op you need to think about your finances not your beach wedding.

Please.

What is happening with your house, who is on the mortgage? Look at the joint account. I am not wishing to upset you, but you need to start protecting yourself. He definitely does not have your back, therefore he could empty the bank account and do various other things - he has checked out!! It is vital that you start thinking about this.

A friend of mine was left with literally nothing, not even enough for food when he dh left, the supposed 'amazing, kind man' that he was - he turned into an absolute monster during the divorce, and went after every penny leaving her and the dc penniless. Your dp has already shocked you once by telling you this, don't let him do it again by ripping out your financial security. Do this for your dc.

Please tell me you jointly own the house?

Sorry to echo the others OP but it really does sound like he's had his head turned, be it an emotional affair or a full blown one.

This happened to me too, mine read "the script" the same way yours is.

In the space of a few weeks he went from loving me and the life we had together to then saying he "isn't happy and doesn't feel anything anymore"

There was an OW waiting in the wings putting pressure on him to leave.

Coincidentally, when things went tits up with OW he "loved me so much" again and wanted to come home to the life he had with us.

As PP's have said, the reason he's being so cold and hurtful is because that's what helps him justify (in his mind) turning his head elsewhere. It will be uncomfortable for him to face the fact he had it good with you and you were happy, the coward.

They paint us black so they can avoid acknowledging the guilt they'd feel if they stopped to think about the pain they were causing.

Don't play the pick me dance, take back your power. You don't need him. You really don't.

why are you telling OP to look for an OW?

how is that helpful?

does it even matter?

OP - find your anger. call his bluff. tell him that you deserve better than to live with the uncertainty of not knowing if he really loves you or not - especially not for 10 years! tell him you deserve someone who definitely does love you, and who wants affection and intimacy with you. if he can't do it, he needs to fuck off.

Agree with what @Girlzroolz says.

Breathe OP. Just breathe. You will not feel like this in months / years from now.

This is the time to put yourself first. Forget making him happy or trying to support him. Support you. Surround yourself with people who support you. And do not listen to any cruel comments. If he comes out with any simply say “I think it’s best we speak about practical matters only. I have no interest in anything else.” Do not give this man any oxygen. He does not deserve you.

Of course its upsetting but to be brutally honest, you need to toughen up and start thinking straight. If he's decided its over, its over. Stop begging him not to leave you.
You need to sort out finances and get some advice on what you will be entitled to. Hopefully to house is also in your name? Do you have any savings etc?

Lol thanks guys! I was starting to feel that 30 was old but after your comments it has actually put a smile on my face.

We have officially been together for 10 years but we were dating 2/3 years before that. We took things really slow as I didnt feel ready for a relationship at 16 years old, he felt the same. We were just happy going cinema and stuff together.
We lost our virginity to each other. I was 19. He never forced anything on me and this is why it upsets me, as prior to recently I always felt like he the upmost respect for me. Our relationship has always been great in the bedroom. I would say the last year or so it's not been as frequent but raising children and working I suppose our routine got in the way. However it was still enough and he never complained about it?

Thanks so much for all of your messages. Having people who have never met me to make an effort to give me advice really does mean alot!

Even if he hasn't met someone in person, he may have found someone to talk to online.

It really does sound like he's found someone else.

Of course, it might be his anxiety talking - maybe, in the current situation that has everyone on tenterhooks, he's started thinking "is this all there is?" and decided he wants something different before it's too late - but it's a lot more likely that he's found someone else.

Most men (not all!) in long term relationships will not change the status quo until they've found someone else to go to.

So I agree with the posters on here saying don't let him string you along for another decade - tell him if he doesn't feel you're good enough then he can feck off now. You do not need to spend the next 10 years wondering if he's going to leave at the end of it - that's like a prison sentence!! Ugh.

Yes the house is in both our names.

These are the sorts of thing my XH said after he was found out for having an affair (and about to start the next one). That doesn't definitely prove your partner is having an affair but there's a mind set that's familiar/similar. (Later he saw the dire consequences he told his family he had the perfect life and he threw it away - but it was too late by then).

Life with small children is pretty hard work - particularly when you're both working long hours and under pressure and sure, its not as carefree as when you first met and fell in love. In my experience, women accept this and just get on with it but some men resent the lack of freedom and the obligations and transfer that resentment onto their partner. Who funnily enough isn't just there to be pretty and fun as she was before she started a family! They somehow think they deserve to be freer, to be adored, to be the centre of attention, to be unsaddled by burdens. And often a younger woman can then be the ideal they set their eyes on. Or they just want to opt out and be a lad again.

The reality of course of breaking up the family and separating is no release of obligations. You still have to work hard and take care of the children - just each on half the resources you had before. But he doesn't know that yet.

The rest of the stuff he's saying is just self justifying crap. Its hurtful and unkind and most likely entirely untrue. What he really wants to do is push you away and say such harsh things that there is no going back. Because he thinks he serves to be free and in love forever!

For your own sake and sanity OP you now have to step up and look after yourself and your children. He will not be looking after you anymore and in fact he is now going to be harmful to you. So you need to move on from begging and hoping he will stay. Get in touch with cold hard anger and start thinking about what you need for your future financial security and wellbeing. Sure you will be crying and in terrible pain and the only way that can be healed is for it to come out. You will cry so much that one day you will wake up and its not the first thing that hits you between the eyes and hard in the gut. I promise it gets better.

But when you are dealing with him you need to be very firm and in control to ensure that he cannot do you any further harm. Ask him to leave, set out some ground rules for when he can see the kids and take his share of parental responsibility, and establish how you want to manage financial resources. This is not going to be easy given you are not now married. Do what you can to carve out a pot of money for you and separate your finances. Ensure you get lots of support from family and friends and let them know what a loser shit he is.

I mean it OP. Your kids need you, and you need you to take control of your life. You have a future and there will be many more good times ahead - just not with him - but only if you stop him from hurting you and your family. You are young and you have so much life to live. You deserve better than cold dishes of cruelty from him.

Yeah, I have heard the "he wouldn't have time to cheat" one before.

They always find a way.

Mine was having an emotional affair with the fucking shop assistant who served him every day on his way to work with his paper and his secret cigarettes.

Then he started saying pretty much all the crap yours is saying. Then he started fucking her while still living with me and having all the housework done and dinner cooked for him. I used to have to watch him preening and getting dressed up. This included clipping and filing his finger nails and bleaching the tobacco stains and work dirt off his hands before he went to meet her and knowing him....shudder....pukatronic....yeah...use your imagination although I doubt you'll need to employ it much.

He used to claim he was at work when really he was with her at her work place. That's how it looked like he didn't have time. He also used to claim buses didn't show up, cars broke down, mobile phone battery was gone, dropped mobile phones and they broke so couldn't let me know his very reasonable reasons for being hours late home.

You are in shock and, hence, denial at the moment.
He is being mean like this to try to get you to "let me go...ooooh...a...boohoo...if you love me" while still letting him live with you. This is so he has you as a back up if his new interest tells him to fuck off or it doesn't work out as planned. He is then free to have a spectacular change of mind and tell you he "lurves you so much and just got cold feet for a moment...darling honey bunch....smoochie smooch smooch". That is until the next head turner shows up and off you go again.

If you don't play to his plan, he will get meaner and nastier until you lose your shit with him. If at that point, you utter the words " nobody will ever love you like I do", he will spill the beans with the "that's where you are wrong because I already have found someone" or similar.

I hope I am wrong, I really do, but unfortunately, all the signs are there.

My advice, kick him out and remove some of his options for game playing and manipulation. This short sharp shock treatment might refocus his mind on what he is losing but it's only a might.

I am so sorry as I know you don't want to hear this. I felt all that shock and betrayal myself once. There is a lot of pain in front of you, try and steel yourself as best you can.

Good luck.

I hate to echo every one else but sadly OP he has someone else. Take care of yourself x

Set aside 'why', set aside your pain, set aside a possible OW and listen. Please, please, please, keep your pride and your dignity. I know it's hard. I know you want to cry, beg, and plead. But please don't. You cannot stop him from doing what he wants. Each and every one of us (including him) has the right to set our own course. There are no 'magic words' to make him be what you thought he was, although I'm sure you're searching hard for them. Let him go. You don't want him to stay without an honest and real love between you. You don't want him to be with you on sufferance.

The one thing you can do, must do, is behave with pride and dignity at this time. When this is all over, no matter what happens, you will be so glad you did. You will be able to carry on knowing that you were your 'best self' and will never feel the shame of having groveled before someone who is unworthy of you.

Just replying to a few comments asking what we fell out over a few weeks ago..
He had a day off work and the kids were at school. We planned to go for breakfast that day but on the morning we had planned after he dropped the kids to school he said he was going to visit his brother.
I said...oh I thought we were going for breakfast. He then got really defensive and grumpy saying he promised his brother (he forgot he made plans with us both)
In return I just said well can you not just visit him on Friday when we are down that way as I was really looking forward to our time together. (His brother lives 2 hours a way)

I did not mean to come across as controlling or dictating in any way that day. I was just excited to have time with him as we never have a child free day. He has a very close bond with his family and sees them often so it's not like he never sees them. But now I feel guilty for wanting a fucking fry up with him.
And that's when it all started. He started saying he doesnt care about time together etc. He didnt end up going to see his brother that day, nor did we go for breakfast. It just ended in a day with him saying these shocking things

@ChocolateCherrybomb

Yeah, I have heard the "he wouldn't have time to cheat" one before.

They always find a way.

Mine was having an emotional affair with the fucking shop assistant who served him every day on his way to work with his paper and his secret cigarettes.

Then he started saying pretty much all the crap yours is saying. Then he started fucking her while still living with me and having all the housework done and dinner cooked for him. I used to have to watch him preening and getting dressed up. This included clipping and filing his finger nails and bleaching the tobacco stains and work dirt off his hands before he went to meet her and knowing him....shudder....pukatronic....yeah...use your imagination although I doubt you'll need to employ it much.

He used to claim he was at work when really he was with her at her work place. That's how it looked like he didn't have time. He also used to claim buses didn't show up, cars broke down, mobile phone battery was gone, dropped mobile phones and they broke so couldn't let me know his very reasonable reasons for being hours late home.

You are in shock and, hence, denial at the moment.
He is being mean like this to try to get you to "let me go...ooooh...a...boohoo...if you love me" while still letting him live with you. This is so he has you as a back up if his new interest tells him to fuck off or it doesn't work out as planned. He is then free to have a spectacular change of mind and tell you he "lurves you so much and just got cold feet for a moment...darling honey bunch....smoochie smooch smooch". That is until the next head turner shows up and off you go again.

If you don't play to his plan, he will get meaner and nastier until you lose your shit with him. If at that point, you utter the words " nobody will ever love you like I do", he will spill the beans with the "that's where you are wrong because I already have found someone" or similar.

I hope I am wrong, I really do, but unfortunately, all the signs are there.

My advice, kick him out and remove some of his options for game playing and manipulation. This short sharp shock treatment might refocus his mind on what he is losing but it's only a might.

I am so sorry as I know you don't want to hear this. I felt all that shock and betrayal myself once. There is a lot of pain in front of you, try and steel yourself as best you can.

Good luck.

Yep. My friend's husband was a workaholic, but bravely managed to shoehorn in some time to shag the girl from the petrol station.

It sounds like a mid life crisis, although he is far too young for that.
You have been together since you were very young, have been together a long time and possibly he has started to feel he tied himself down too soon. Of course it is too late for all of that now.
Possibly neither of you have dated anyone else and perhaps this is where it all stems from...a 'is this it?'
You paint a rosey picture of your relationship generally, do you think he sees this differently and perhaps things have never been as good as you feel?
He is being cruel and heartless, but I agree do not beg him. Show him that you are a strong woman and can make a life for yourself and the children without him. 30 is nothing, you have the whole of your life ahead of you. Good luck.

People who want to cheat always find a way . The first time my exh cheated I simply couldn’t figure out how he managed but lunch breaks, trips to shops / barbers etc can all be tweaked to include a clandestine shag .

OP tell him you need some time to process things and pack a bag and go and stay with a friend for the weekend.
If your DP objects to having the children alone remind him that when you are separated he will have them alone every second weekend and maybe a day or two in the week.
Let him get a feel for life without you now.
DON"T BACK DOWN