I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

Why is FIL living with you, can MIL not care for him?

I think your H knows he asks too much of you with the cleaning, which is why he jumps to apologise - though it’s all very me me me: “ooh poor me I can’t help that I want a spotless house”

He might appear magnanimous now - but this is the first time he’s been called out. I’d keep a close eye on how he behaves going forward

Oh sorry cross posted. Abuse comes in many forms OP. Your H sounds very controlling, and men who date teenagers (as he did you) often do so because women their age would not put up with their behaviour.

Trust me, I’ve been there!

Does he want you to stay home rather than fetch him so you have more time todo the cleaning? Because that's how I'd read it - he feels that he has asked too much of you so now he's offering a way to give you an easier way to get it all done by sacrificing his lift.....

Honestly, he can say what he likes but actions speak louder than words. When he comes home, is he going to resist the urge to comment negatively if the windows haven't been cleaned for a few weeks? Is he going to step up and DO some of this cleaning himself? is he going to be taking the kids to give you a break from the relentlessness of 24/7 caring responsibilities?

@workhomesleeprepeat

Oh sorry cross posted. Abuse comes in many forms OP. Your H sounds very controlling, and men who date teenagers (as he did you) often do so because women their age would not put up with their behaviour.

Trust me, I’ve been there!

This.

He is a very controlling man.

Your youth was definitely part of your appeal.

Controlling men can't cope with dissent, they need to be obeyed.

Women being abused by them tend to follow instructions as they learn it is easier, and calmer too.

Tools like the silent treatment and signs of obvious displeasure are used to keep the abused in check.

Him looking for pictures of your cleaning is so preposterous.

Please contact Women's Aid for support.

Your daughter's deserve better than this and so do you, even if you don't feel like you do.

Yes, this is abusive, unreasonable behaviour. If he wants a perfectly clean house he needs to employ a daily cleaner. But I suspect what he actually wants is to control you and make you feel uncomfortable .

OP, what did you say in your text message to your husband?

Op, remember how much power you have, it sounds like they’d all be lost without you, rely and lean on you a lot.
What you do facilitates him to have the job he has, what you do facilitates the grandparents relationship with the kids while he’s away, what you do makes their lives considerably easier.
It’s in his interest for you to think you don’t have any power but you do, a lot.
If you left you would either prob get custody and CMS, the house etc or he would have to give his job up to have the kids 50/50.
It’s no mistake he’s so much older than you, an older woman prob wouldn’t have put up with his shit.....you are that older woman now and you’ve proven you can do it alone, even if you don’t intend to you have to let him know that you’re capable of leaving and being ok on your own

As PP posted it’s not about the cleaning per se - it’s about power and control. He is controlling your time when he is away - with his ridiculous demands - the cleaning is just the weapon he chooses. He is v manipulative and slippery with his words - men’s like this choose not to raise their voice control they achieve control by stealth in a more underhand manipulative way - saying “the right things” - but somehow still leaving you feeling v confused, hurt, ashamed because they have quietly wrapped you FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Look how you have adapted yourself to him - not going out to the hairdressers FFS. He possessive yanking your chain.

Listen to your gut. Emotionally disconnect from him in your head so that you are able to pan right back and observe how he operates paying v close attention to your gut.

Repressing your feelings will make you v ill and unhappy. Can you talk to a therapist?

OP I have just read your whole thread through. You have grown so much over two weeks. Early on, someone said that you need to fake being strong until you feel stronger, and you are certainly sounding much healthier now, able to talk to your h, not just do what he is asking/demanding without questioning it.

I do agree with a pp who says that your husband has probably been seriously damaged by his mother. In his mind, a clean house is a home. She has driven home the importance of cleaning to him over the years, and this has probably been reinforced by military life too. My mother also saw cleaning (and for her cooking) as the main ways she expressed love for us. I used to long for her to spend time with me, but she was always cleaning "to make a nice home for you". So sad.

Your dh may be abusive, or he may be seriously damaged. His recent messages sound hopeful, as if he is prepared to listen to you, but if so it will be a long road, and involve many discussions to help him to overcome years of abuse from his mum, and to have a healthier perspective on the cleaning issue. Best of luck if you do take that road.

By posting (again) you can clearly see that his expectations are far from normal. Keep posting. The good old MN jury is a great place to test out how you are feeling and to gain strength to say no to things that are not right.

@Goodbadanduglyyyy

FIL has a few health problems with cancer and was getting an operation (not relating to cancer). Our house has disabled access and as he was in a wheelchair for the first week or two after the op it was just easier for him being here. I offered to have him before his operation, we get on really well. I really don’t want him to move out now.

Growing up I thought an abuser was someone who shouts, hits, calls his/her partner names. This is what’s been instilled in my head and because my husband does none of the above i feel like I’m making a fuss out of nothing. I feel like things could be a lot worse but that’s just my head.

This is obviously my first proper relationship so I have nothing to compare it to either.

OP, abuse comes in many forms. My ex was verbally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive towards me. He didn't hit, but the implied potential violence was always there. It's still all abuse. I was with him for decades, and yes, he was older and it was my first relationship. I've been free for a couple of years, and I'm so much happier. The DC are happier too, and thriving away from his abuse.

And it seems to me that your DH is abusive, most obviously in controlling ways. This isn't a good relationship. I would suggest counselling, on your own, to sort out your feelings here.

So your FIL is living with you not your MIL? Very odd.

He sounds like an ally. Pity he also feels pressured.

Don't go & get him. It will show him that the relationship has shifted
Do not do any supplementary cleaning.
Simply say, I clean & tidy up constantly. If the house isn't to your liking, you are on holiday so knock yourself out.
I am not on holiday, I am not undertaking any more.
& yes, I am going to the hairdressers as you are now finally home to participate with the family you have co created.
I am unable to get an hour off on the w/e when the kids aren't at school because I am raising them alone.
I want us to enjoy your leave, but bullying me is not the way to go.

Do you mean that your MiL came into your house to visit FiL? Did you know about this beforehand? And agree, you need to try to keep FiL with you if you are happy to have him, and tell your H (or get FiL to) exactly how his mother made his father feel.

Another update - I messaged him to tell him his father is happy to move out because he’s worried about making a mess of his room etc and his reply was - “Feel like not coming home you know that!! Sounds like it just causes so much bloody hassle”

I then mentioned how it’s only a hassle because he is shouting his demands and they are not needed and his reply was - “news to me”.

I just want to thank you for the advice on here. If I hadn’t read some messages I wouldn’t be challenging him like this. I’m also not responding to his message. What is there to say back to that?

To confirm my FIL is living here until he recovers. MIL still lives in her house and pops in once a day for around 10 minutes to see him.

@Goodbadanduglyyyy you could say something like

It’s interesting when I tell you the effect your behaviour is having on me and your Dad who has been very ill - your response is to turn it round into a self-pitting comment. Is this because deep down you know it’s really unfair to let your obsession with an overly clean home dominate our life to the extent it does?

I’m sorry I’ve not been clearer with you in the past how unacceptable it is for you to demand this type of clean. But I’m being clear to you now.

Oh well mr 'I'm sorry' lasted all of five minutes didn't he? And now he's continuing the guilt trip. Nice.

Your FIL is not happy to move out. He feels like he's a burden and has no choice because he feels his son will bully him based on something either your DH or MIL said about his 'mess'. So you need to be clear on that.

As for a response. "It might be news to you but I'm telling you now. Your father wants to move out because he's stressed by the thought of you coming home and yelling at him. He's got cancer and should not be made to feel like that. I'm stressed at the thought of you coming home because of the way you behave about the cleaning. It needs to change. You need to get help."

There. That's all you need to say.

Poor Fil probably scared the mad clean freak mil or weirdo dh will tidy him away

Pretty interesting how quickly he's turning this into a "woe is me" response. @MarriedtoDaveGrohl has it. You don't need to buy into it, and you don't ned to excuse your response. His unreasonable cleaning demands are stressing both you and FIL out and you are interested in how he's willing to work with you to solve for this problem.

The DH and MIL have made the FIL feel uncomfortable and they are trying to say that if you were not looking after him then you would have more time to clean house for DH.. In fact FIL, who is poorly, is the only person in this family being nice to you. DH and MIL are two bullies.
Comments about you being too "Tired" to give him a lift are guilt tripping.
Feel like not coming home you know that!! Sounds like it just causes so much bloody hassle” I then mentioned how it’s only a hassle because he is shouting his demands and they are not needed and his reply was - “news to me
DH is showing true colours now.

Keep your cool OP, you still need to get professional to speak to, to help you plan what you want'/need to do, so try not to let DH escalate if you can. Can you invite a member of your family to stay?

Plus. He and MIL don't seem at all bothered about FIL's problems do they?

Bloody hell, why is FiL not being cared for at home with his wife?

(I know, I know, women are not default carers to men, but setting that to one side, just now, why should DiL be "default " carer, rather than he FiL wife?)

I think OP said her house was much easier for her FIL in his present physical state.

Say a combination of HaggisBurger and MarriedtoDaveGrohl 's posts. Also say it seems your apology lasted 5 minutes, and if you don't like being told the affect you have on us, how do you think we feel? Do something about it then and seek a therapist.

Tell him if he wants clean then he needs to employ a cleaner. But he doesn't sound very nice.