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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 12/10/2020 05:06

@Goodbadanduglyyyy
He replied saying that he is sorry, and that he didn’t realise he was putting pressure on me.
This from the man who sent a checklist and demanded photos, and made you clean the house one time when he got home? This is gaslighting. He is dismissing your reality and denying any wrongdoing.

He said if I’m that tired then I shouldn’t pick him up from the airport when he comes home, he will get the train.
He is suggesting you have a problem here - 'tiredness'. And playing the martyr.
The problem isn't that you are tired. The problem is that he is a bully.

And that he wishes he wasn’t the way he is.
You need to answer that one.
I recommend you say:
"That makes two of us. What are you going to do about this serious problem of yours? You do not have the option any more of inflicting it on me and on our children."

Chocaholic9 · 12/10/2020 06:26

If he wants his house cleaned to a professional level, he needs to hire a professional cleaner and pay for it.

Chocaholic9 · 12/10/2020 06:26

And he also needs to be told to fuck off.

Slimmama · 12/10/2020 06:40

If he want a super clean house, he should do it himself.

MalorieSnooty · 12/10/2020 06:44

PPs have mentioned OCD. This isn't OCD, it's OCPD:

www.healthline.com/health/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder

MsTSwift · 12/10/2020 06:54

He needs to understand if he carries on he’s looking down the barrel of a rather lonely life in a sterile super clean flat for one. He’s currently not mentally fit to be in a relationship with any woman. We were not put on this earth to be servants to men like this - utterly unacceptable. stand firm op

Original poster
Goodbadanduglyyyy · 12/10/2020 07:16

When I replied I told him he knows he is putting pressure on me because 3 weeks ago he mentioned it again, and I told him I wasn’t even replying to his message because I was feeling sensitive about all the stuff I had to do. He said he’s very sorry for that too.

He has said I do exceptionally well on my own and asking me to do more was wrong, and that I am my own person and he accept that. Also, that he would rather I “chilled out” than go and to pick him up from the airport.

Our poorly relative I mentioned in a previous post is actually his father. He’s living with me at the moment. I opened up to him a little bit last night and he told me MIL was in our house earlier telling him she was on the phone to my husband and that FIL needs to get all of his things in order in his room and he’s not allowed to make it a mess etc. I don’t know if these instructions are from MIL or husband but FIL said he doesn’t even want to stay here anymore because of this, he’s moving out today. He said he feels uncomfortable. The man doesn’t even make a mess, and if I did, would it not be up to me to speak to him about it considering its me thats looking after him?

OP posts:
MalorieSnooty · 12/10/2020 07:23

Sounds like MIL has probably caused your husband's OCPD, OP, by being excessively exacting herself during his childhood.

This is a good website: outofthefog.website

ShashukaSally · 12/10/2020 07:32

Why is FIL living with you?

grumpycivilservant · 12/10/2020 07:38

@stitchy

He's turning the tables to try and make you feel sorry for him now despite the fact that it's you under intolerable pressure and the only one deserving of sympathy. I'll cut him some slack though and he may genuinely feel bad and he maybe compelled to do this due to conditioning from his Mum but he still doesn't deserve any sympathy in this situation.

He says all he asks of you is a clean house but this couldn't be further from the truth as he actually asks you to care for the children by yourself for long periods so that he can work away. He asks you to do all the pick ups, all the drop offs, all the booking and keeping appointments, all the bedtimes, all the morning routines, all the lunches, all the evening meals, all of the food planning and shopping, all of the homework, all of the caring and playing, all of the emotional support children need, all of their bathing and hair washing and nailclipping etc, no doubt all of the birthday presents buying etc. You are continuously working to keep your family life running and you also work on top of that. Everything. And he makes it sound like actually it's just some cleaning he asks for. You need to make sure he really knows what he asks of you because he may well have convinced himself he asks for very little. He should be thanking you profusely every time he comes home for all you do to enable him to follow his career path and yet all he sees is the dust on the skirting boards. You are a trojan for all you do for him and it would take a lot for him to match and deserve all you do and are. You need to know that and so does he.

Well said. This is spot on OP, he should be worshipping you, not nagging you.
MzHz · 12/10/2020 08:15

Keep fil living with you, pack your H off to his mother and they can nit pick each other to their hearts’ content

MsTSwift · 12/10/2020 08:18

Sounds a good solution

mathanxiety · 12/10/2020 08:30

He has said I do exceptionally well on my own and asking me to do more was wrong, and that I am my own person and he accept that

@Goodbadanduglyyyy
The two parts of that statement are mutually contradictory.

He has said I do exceptionally well on my own and asking me to do more was wrong,
He is still assuming that he is the person to whom you answer. This is not a compliment or an acceptance of fault on his part. He is still asserting that you are his employee. His words are those of a teacher to a child of about 8.

...and that I am my own person and he accept that
He does not accept that at all.
What he prefaced that with contradicts this. He believes he is the boss in your home and that your role in the relationship is to obey him.

Also, that he would rather I “chilled out” than go and to pick him up from the airport.
So you are what -
Uptight?
Tense?
Overanxious?
Overreacting?
All of these are opposites of 'chilled out'.

He is deliberately trying to unsettle you here. He is not admitting any fault on his part, he is hinting that you are experiencing some sort of crisis involving tiredness or overreaction (incompetence, in other words), and he is not giving up the delusion that you are his underling.

The revelation of conversations behind your back between MIL and your H is very worrying.

Your H is a carbon copy of his mother, and believes domination of others is how family life is conducted. There is something very abnormal going on here between the two of them.

mathanxiety · 12/10/2020 08:35

I don’t know if these instructions are from MIL or husband but FIL said he doesn’t even want to stay here anymore because of this, he’s moving out today. He said he feels uncomfortable. The man doesn’t even make a mess, and if I did, would it not be up to me to speak to him about it considering its me thats looking after him?

None of this - none of what you are going through, and none of what FIL has put up with for years - is about the mess.

This is about a complete imbalance of power in relationships, with the 'clean house' used as a weapon to dominate other people. The weapon could equally be 'you are a shit parent'. Or 'have you put on a few pounds?' Your H is too lazy to choose his own weapon. He recycled his mother's.

Please stop focusing on mess. It is not about how the house looks.

TurquoiseDragon · 12/10/2020 08:36

@MzHz

Keep fil living with you, pack your H off to his mother and they can nit pick each other to their hearts’ content
This. If your FIL is poorly, why is his wife nagging at him about not making a mess?
billy1966 · 12/10/2020 08:38

What an absolute horror of a man OP.

I feel so sorry for you and your children.
Flowers

crankysaurus · 12/10/2020 08:42

Keep fil living with you, pack your H off to his mother and they can nit pick each other to their hearts’ content

That sounds like and excellent idea, I can't imagine he's particularly happy with the whole neat freak control thing either, especially while he's poorly.

mathanxiety · 12/10/2020 08:44

@Goodbadanduglyyyy
You need to stop using the language of feelings (your feelings) with this man. For instance, telling him you are "feeling sensitive about all the stuff I had to do". You are making a big mistake if you believe he is interested in your feelings.

By speaking in these terms you are handing yourself to him on a plate.
He loves to hear that his words have hit home.
He loves to hear that you are crumbling.
He is lapping it all up. It's music to his ears.
He is deliberately inflicting distress on you and you are willingly giving him evidence of the power he has over you both by doing the cleaning and by telling him of your distress.

The language to use is "You" statements, with no reference at all to your feelings.
"You have a problem. You need to fix it. You do not have the right to treat me like this."

DancingInTheGarden · 12/10/2020 09:06

@stitchy

He's turning the tables to try and make you feel sorry for him now despite the fact that it's you under intolerable pressure and the only one deserving of sympathy. I'll cut him some slack though and he may genuinely feel bad and he maybe compelled to do this due to conditioning from his Mum but he still doesn't deserve any sympathy in this situation.

He says all he asks of you is a clean house but this couldn't be further from the truth as he actually asks you to care for the children by yourself for long periods so that he can work away. He asks you to do all the pick ups, all the drop offs, all the booking and keeping appointments, all the bedtimes, all the morning routines, all the lunches, all the evening meals, all of the food planning and shopping, all of the homework, all of the caring and playing, all of the emotional support children need, all of their bathing and hair washing and nailclipping etc, no doubt all of the birthday presents buying etc. You are continuously working to keep your family life running and you also work on top of that. Everything. And he makes it sound like actually it's just some cleaning he asks for. You need to make sure he really knows what he asks of you because he may well have convinced himself he asks for very little. He should be thanking you profusely every time he comes home for all you do to enable him to follow his career path and yet all he sees is the dust on the skirting boards. You are a trojan for all you do for him and it would take a lot for him to match and deserve all you do and are. You need to know that and so does he.

Another one adding agreeing totally with all @stitchy says.

You already do SO much. And he is not appreciating this ... AND looking after HIS sick father. Bloody hell. AND you work.

HE should be scurrying home and making up to you massively and giving you time off ... treating you, doing EVERYTHING including HIM specifically cleaning and tidying to make up for being away and you doing EVERYTHING.
So say he feels sorry for HIMSELF just shows how little he understands.
If he said he felt real sorrow that YOU had to cope with it all for another week - not HIM - doing nothing for yet another week maybe you could believe him... GAH!!!!
He really needs some home truths listing to him.

BitOfFun · 12/10/2020 09:40

I hope FIL doesn’t leave- he sounds like a useful buffer!

Sssloou · 12/10/2020 09:52

He says all he asks of you is a clean house but this couldn't be further from the truth as he actually asks you to care for the children by yourself for long periods so that he can work away. He asks you to do all the pick ups, all the drop offs, all the booking and keeping appointments, all the bedtimes, all the morning routines, all the lunches, all the evening meals, all of the food planning and shopping, all of the homework, all of the caring and playing, all of the emotional support children need, all of their bathing and hair washing and nailclipping etc, no doubt all of the birthday presents buying etc. You are continuously working to keep your family life running and you also work on top of that. Everything. And he makes it sound like actually it's just some cleaning he asks for. You need to make sure he really knows what he asks of you because he may well have convinced himself he asks for very little. He should be thanking you profusely every time he comes home for all you do to enable him to follow his career path and yet all he sees is the dust on the skirting boards. You are a trojan for all you do for him and it would take a lot for him to match and deserve all you do and are. You need to know that and so does he.

Does he return the favour and pick up ALL of these chores when he returns?

I have seen a pattern in here where older men target and snag teenagers into coercive and deeply unequal an accelerated relationships because they are naive and the older man has been through a series of RS with women his own age who have been more assertive and told him to sling his hook.

He is also mirroring his parents RS and you are the emotionally enslaved, inferior FIL.

3rdNamechange · 12/10/2020 09:54

Is it possible for you to leave him alone with the kids and FIL for a week ? Just so he can see what you actually do on a day to day basis ?
Or will MIL come to his rescue ?
I feel for you.

Runningdownthathill · 12/10/2020 09:56

Why does he think it’s your job? If he’s been away, get a cleaner in. If he’s there living with you, you do it together once a week. My Dad was like this but both my parents would clean the house on a Saturday morning. If you both work, you both clean. Set a time limit. If it’s not done to his satisfaction, he can carry on in his own. You aren’t his slave, stop behaving like one.

LilyLongJohn · 12/10/2020 10:21

I'd tell your dh the reason his father is leaving, it might make him think further on his behaviour

Original poster
Goodbadanduglyyyy · 12/10/2020 10:21

FIL has a few health problems with cancer and was getting an operation (not relating to cancer). Our house has disabled access and as he was in a wheelchair for the first week or two after the op it was just easier for him being here. I offered to have him before his operation, we get on really well. I really don’t want him to move out now.

Growing up I thought an abuser was someone who shouts, hits, calls his/her partner names. This is what’s been instilled in my head and because my husband does none of the above i feel like I’m making a fuss out of nothing. I feel like things could be a lot worse but that’s just my head.

This is obviously my first proper relationship so I have nothing to compare it to either.

OP posts: