I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

I messaged him to tell him his father is happy to move out because he’s worried about making a mess of his room etc and his reply was - “Feel like not coming home you know that!! Sounds like it just causes so much bloody hassle”

OP, that 'attack' from MIL didn't come out of 'nowhere'.
Your husband spoke to his mother, he gave you one line and to his mother he repeated the same broken record "OP can't manage and needs help..and look now she's expecting ME to do it"...and no doubt he's complained to his mother about having to make his own way back from the airport from now on.
So MIL has decided to blame it on FIL, force him out of YOUR HOME , so that now you will 'not have an excuse' to 'complain' about the housework/cleaning........and predictably, your husband was WAITING for you to say something, anything, so that he could immediately pile on the pressure and force you back 'into line'.

I would reply back and tell him, "that's actually a very good idea - i'm glad you're finally beginning to see that YOU have been the problem along with your bully of a mother.....FIL is NOT 'the problem' and never has been...and i love having him here so he's staying".
Then be honest with FIL about THEM causing the drama.

Then i'd seek a new counsellor and get rid of your toxic, narcissistic bully of a 'husband'.

He is flat out refusing to admit any wrong doing. Here are some of the comments made last night alone -

“I’ve only ever just wanted to help you, sorry if it’s came across the wrong way”
“I’m sorry I am the way I am, I wish I wasn’t”
“I like things being tidy, I relax better, it’s just how I’ve become”
“I don’t think it was (from watching) my mum, I’ve always looked after my things, I would say it’s not normal not to do that”
“I work hard for the car we have and enjoy driving it when it is clean”
“But if you think I’m not normal I maybe am, I have never thought of this as an illness”
“Ahh well I suppose I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, we can’t all be perfect”
“ Can you blame me? All this stuff that’s been brought up has put a right downer on me. Feel shit after what’s all been said. None of what I said or done was meant in any harm or or offence. Just tried to help, now even my father wants to get out before I get home. Feel shit!”

How many hours s day does he think you should scrub?
When he is home is he constantly cleaning or is it YOU that needs to do it?
I'm just trying to imagine my husband pointing out a cobweb, or a piece of lego under the sofa. I'd say "sort it out then."
If there was shouting & orders, & fanatical polishing & excessive fussing over dust on the skirting boards( that I occasionally hoover) I'd assume there was a mental problem. &/or abuse.
When he is away where dies he live? What environment? Who does the cleaning? & does he care?
But making lists & asking for photos to me sounds like a mental disorder, & if he isn't accepting he needs help, this is not be your problem to solve.
He should not have had a family if he wants to live in a vacuum.
He is making, you, FIL & your kids unhappy in their/your home.

Fuck him. Fuckin cheek.
Just don't do it.
What can he do...fuck off and live somewhere else?
Shame.

Hope are you feeling, OP? It sounds like a lot is all starting to spill out now.

I had a relationship with an older man like this in my 20s when my DD was small. I am now in my 40s. I was young, too, when we met and he worked away. Looking back I was like his hostage - he was obsessive about cleaning and being organised, he cheated (didn't even make a secret of it really, no phones then but he kept a diary!), he was horribly controlling financially and treated me like his member of staff. I left and never looked back! I can't say my life has always been easy but I have never regretted my decision to leave. I didn't love him anyway so that made it easier. We are actually still on OK terms for my daughter's sake.

Its all "I" isnt it - all how he feels about everything. Not one little moment or a spark of how all of it is put on you or a recognition of how you feel at all

Quartz is right, my question above is the one he should have asked. Are you okay?

I have another question, of you dread him coming home, how do you feel when he leaves?

What I'm not hearing is

'What can I do to change this'
'How can I make you feel better'
'Let's sit down and talk about what I can do to resolve the situation'

It's all me me me

Has he ever seen anyone about this issue? I cannot really decide if he has OCD or if he is a dick or both. If he truly wishes to hange then he should agree to see someone. I'm sure it stems from his unbringing but that doesn't excuse anything.

I’m not feeling great I won’t lie. I thought I was dreading him coming home before, dreading it more than ever now.

Last message is him saying “il let you go since you are up early tomorrow”, I replied saying “I’m not tired but if you don’t want to speak about things then il speak to you tomorrow” then he replied “whatever, thought you would want an early night”.

It’s also my birthday soon. He asked a few weeks ago what I wanted which I was in shock because he never buys me anything, I told him nothing just a cake please. He has sent screenshots of all of the details of his conversation with the cake lady, so I know what kind of cake it is, what day I’m getting it etc. There was absolutely no reason to do that.

He's putting everything back on you so you feel shit for bringing it up. He's even telling you when you should be going to bed!
I'm constantly astounded on here about how many men are like this and how many women have put up with it for ages
Please don't be one of them OP

sounds very stressful i hope some kind or resolution can come out of it soon, the hair appointment thing is also really cruel, what life is this for you OP if you can't have a hair appointment. xx

You've got to feel grateful now then OP he's buying you a cake!

Well done. It sounds like you're getting through. You should draw the line at pretty clean and tidy* now you've made this much groundwork and he has to accept that level as normal. Normal enough to relax in. When is he back?

This is all emotional blackmail. How you must be wrong about how I was, how awful you've made me feel, my dad now doesn't want to stay, me me me me me me

How about: I'm so grateful for everything you do to hold things together while I'm away, I know it must be so hard to have no support. Thanks so much for looking after my dad. Don't worry about the state of the house, you're working AND looking after the kids. How about we lighten your load and get a cleaner? I'm so sorry I put pressure on you, I won't do that again.

IF he's had years of getting whatever he wants, this probably is a complete shock for him. But while I can understand that, my sympathy levels are relatively low.

Is it possible just to say that the house is clean to a normal standard and if he wants it cleaner then that is his problem and see what he says? I suspect he'll come out with all those comments about how he can't help how he is and he just likes it clean, but try turning it on him and saying, "fine, I get that, but if you understand it's not normal, then accept that I can no longer pander to this so you need to solve the problem by doing t yourself or getting a cleaner."

It’s also my birthday soon. He asked a few weeks ago what I wanted which I was in shock because he never buys me anything, I told him nothing just a cake please. He has sent screenshots of all of the details of his conversation with the cake lady, so I know what kind of cake it is, what day I’m getting it etc. There was absolutely no reason to do that

The reason is that he wanted you to know what a MASSIVE amount of work it was for him to get you a birthday cake. And that you should be very very grateful.

You do everything for him without even a thanks. He does a tiny thing for you and it’s major deal. Will he post on social media or copy the photos to his family ?

I don't know, his comments sound like he is aware he has been causing difficulties and that it is dawning on him that he has been too controlling in this respect. To me it sounds like he can sense his power ebbing away and he is trying to mentally adjust.

But it sounds like it may be too little, too late OP? He's been used to dictating demands regarding cleaning and you've been used to acquiescing? That's largely been your pattern and now you've simply had enough, and you're feeling free to express it because you're not motivated to maintain the relationship anymore, and the loss of the relationship probably feels like a relief right now.

I think you probably can find a better way forward as I personally think he is trying to make the right noises, but I suspect you're simply not interested anymore - and that is your absolute right.

You're probably afraid of confrontation now that he is coming home, you've woken up to your power and that can be scary because now you can call the shots and the future of the relationship is more in your hands. The power balance has shifted.

You need to think if this is something that can be worked out, or if you even want it to be worked out. It sounds like you have other concerns about the relationship as well, and maybe you've just got some deal-breakers on your hands.

a cake? For Gods sake, youre not 5. Added to that the screen shots and the information. This person sounds unwell/obsessive/unpleasant.

I repeat OP, find a decent therapist. It will give you a space to sort some of this out.

The original set up of him working away and you doing EVERYTHING else with this obsessive cleaning on top was in his favour.
You, at breaking point, tackling the set up and voicing the intolerable pressure you were under changed the balance positioning him as the unreasonable one (bully) and you as the wronged party. This is the correct assessment of the situation.
Everything he's done and said since has been a tactic (whether he's aware of it or not) to wrestle the situation back to make him out as the reasonable one and not the controlling bully.
To get you back in your place and things back in his favour:

I wish I wasn't this way (pity me)

I only ever wanted to help you (I'm considerate and misunderstood)

I've always looked after my things... (underplaying the obsessional aspect of his cleanliness campaign)

I work hard for the car we have and enjoying driving it when it's clean (my HARD WORK is not appreciated enough - I provide the car the least you can do is clean it)

...we can't all be perfect (false self-deprecation with a side helping of passive aggression)

Blah blah blah.. Feel shit! (PITY ME - YOU'RE SO MEAN!)

Also look at how amazingly kind and considerate I was organising a birthday cake for you (a totally normal and not particularly exceptional thing to do for your partner considering that's the only thing that was requested btw) but you've RUINED that now. (I am pushing you for tackling my behaviour)
Also do you deliberately not ask for anything more for your birthday as you know you won't get it and so to avoid disappointment and being confronted with his lack of care for you?

What he doesn't seem to have said at any point is: I'm really sorry I had no idea I was putting you under this much strain and what you do for us as a family is incredible. The cleaning doesn't really matter and I need to work on that and just focus on what does matter - seeing you and the kids and catching up with everything that's new.

All of this comes down to the fact that you dread him coming home that ultimately he makes you unhappy and makes your life worse - the very opposite to what a partner should be. A good partner should enhance your life, make you feel supported and encouraged, they should be your biggest fan. You deserve so much more x

Sorry typo, I meant to say he was punishing you with the cake not pushing. He's using the cake as a gotcha: look at what a fantastic partner I am for doing this and therefore what an ungrateful one you are. And he gets to spoil it as your punishment too.

What stitchy wrote

What feels worse now OP; your fear of being single (which is playing its part here in keeping you within this abusive relationship at all) or more of this same self serving treatment of you from him?.

@MulticolourMophead - you've had great advice on this thread and it's great how you're now standing up to your partner (like PP, I think he chose you as a much younger partner precisely so he could be the one in charge and knowing a woman his age wouldn't tolerate his BS).

Just wanted to add: since you get on so well with your FIL, I hope you are encouraging him to stay. It sounds nicer for both of you.

OP,

You must feel sick at him coming home.
I feel sick for you facing this horribly abusive, manipulative man, returning to your home to judge you with his "poor me routine" and his fxxking cake🙄.

I think that you need space.

I think he needs to stay with his mother in her perfect clean home and your FIL continue with you.

When he returns to work, this is a perfect time to focus on getting free.

Your marriage is over, I think you realise that.