To leave France

[CroissantMuncher]

I have a DP (French) I love and a job that is deeply unfulfilling but pays well. We live in France and I can now apply for citizenship: it will take 2 years for that to be processed.

I am bilingual so there is no language issue. I just find myself missing living in the UK for lots of reasons. I feel like I'm done with france and what I would actually like to do is go back to the UK and retrain in psychology.

I'm 34. All my family and friends in the UK say I'm mad, France is so much better (whilst they still live in the UK....), that I'm throwing away my chance at an EU passport post Brexit, that I'm throwing away my relationship (he refuses to move).

I really dont know what to do. On the one hand settled life with DP in France. On the other hand change career and go back to UK. Part of me thinks I could regret leaving so close to getting citizenship. Another part of me thinks life is short.

Anyone been in a similar quandary or have any thoughts?

arf.

Anyway, so far, so unhelpful. OP you're near Lille which is quite hip and happening. Why not go there, sit in on some classes / sign up at the GRETA?

@jasjas1973 and @friendsoftheearth why don't you set up your own thread to squabble over and leave this one for people answering the OP

I would rather not thanks pal I am sick of the whole subject and the very last thing I want to discuss is bloody brexit. It is getting lame listening to the constant bashing of the UK though.

Good luck op!

We moved to france (paris) because of my husbands work. I couldnt believe how difficult it was to live there. We left, he commutes, I no longer cry everyday!

Horses for courses. I've been here for 20-something years and would not consider moving back to the UK at this point.

I suppose it depends on how much you dislike your life now. And whether you may regret throwing away a chamber of french citizenship in the future (it gives you choices you don’t otherwise have).

Also, is your draw to be in the UK worth ending your relationship for? That’s not a criticism, but if you are in a living relationship, it’s a big thing to throw away on what is currently a pipe dream.

Have you researched studying psychology? Have you thought of applying abs seeing if you’d get in before going through all the upheaval of ending relationship, moving back to the uk m (and if you hadn’t got into university, you’d be having to find a new job and new home too).

It really sounds like your relationship is over, and you're just using him as a stop gap. I think you need to sort your relationship and make these other decisions after.

"I couldnt believe how difficult it was to live there. We left, he commutes, I no longer cry everyday!"

What was so bad that you were crying every day?

Glad to hear you have decided to get citizenship first. That's a really good move. Once you have that you will have so much more freedom.

I'd also look into what to do with that relationship of yours. Once you are a little bit clearer other things might fall into place.

Lastly, how long have you been in France for? When looking back at your social life in the UK it might be worth considering if this was also a certain time in your life when more was going on socially. Will it meet your expectations when you are in your thirties and forties? Friends in that age bracket might be busy raising kids, socialising more with people whose kids are similar ages, going out less etc

As someone who left their home country to live in the UK I wonder if it's the best move to stay put here. I fondly remember what is better back home. But I also realise that there is a bit of the grass being always greener, me having been away for ages and things do change etc. In any case I got myself a British passport so I am free to leave and come back as I please should I wish to.

Dear everyone, I think it's been about four months or so since I posted and thought I would give you a little update.

I'm not sure I said this in my previous posts but the work I do is freelance, I've been self employed for about six years or so. I think I've done a complete U turn on being bored with my job, etc. Through this semi lockdown I've actually started to feel appreciative of how much freedom and time it gives me.

There's been another quite exciting development: theres something I've been doing on the side, something artistic, and I've had a huge breakthrough. This means I will need to go to London regularly covid permitting.

I don't want to be too outing but I've also found out there's going to be a new transport link opening in the next few months that will drop me minutes away from my parents doorstep.

All this is making me think that despite my gnashing, if I'm going to stay in France to get citizenship before moving back to the UK, as unglamorous as it is, the North makes perfect sense for me.

However the past few months have really been intensifying my frustration with DP. I'm not sure my feelings are "fair", but then I guess they don't have to be. Basically I'm starting to feel resentful that I moved here and aligned with his more "grounded" reality, but nothing has really come of it. What I mean is that whilst before I was just kind of freewheeling, I agreed to knuckle down, settle, to be with him, but none of the security and positive trappings of a settled life have come from it. Things like buying a house, getting married, having kids. Those solid things I guess I would have expected from a "solid" life just.... Haven't happened.
As I said before, it's not even that I would necessarily WANT those things for myself: but now I'm beginning to understand that what I would have wanted was the opportunity to make a CHOICE about it, to actively be in a position to think yes or no, rather than a kind of slow drift towards nothing. Do you know what I mean?! I feel weirdly betrayed. I'm not sure why exactly but I really feel that - I feel hugely betrayed for some reason I cant explain.
I feel like he has just been contentedly leaning back and enjoying his life unchanged, while I've wasted a few years waiting for....something. And hes known that but still not really been that bothered about trying to do half the brainstorming I have to figure something out.

I'm beginning to realise that I think for all his qualities, he won't ever want to shift from the status quo. He doesn't really want to progress, or change things up, or even create a solid life with the things I mention. He just wants to run his bar, hang out with his mates, chill. And I'm a more than welcome add on. Maybe I feel betrayed because I thought I was paying a price (my freedom) in exchange for something (solidity) but now I'm waking up to the fact that I paid up but didnt get it. That sounds melodramatic but hopefully you understand. Maybe its irrational. But it's just how I feel.

I think I have the bare bones of a plan but I really don't think hes going to like it. I'm going to wait until the end of the summer (need to get more of a deposit together) and then I'm going to buy a house in a town near here that's on it's way up and has pretty much all I need (I also have friends there). I'm going to buy it by myself and get the house I want, and live in it until I get my citizenship, going back and forth to london and to my parents when I get the opportunity. Then once I have my passport i plan on moving back to the UK and will either sell the house or keep it and rent it out.

I already know he is going to be majorly pissed off with this plan as we wont be doing it together, it will be just me. He is welcome to live with me by the way but I don't want him to be able to hold me back when it comes time to get rid of it.

I feel so guilty that this feels so cold, but the truth is I have to look out for myself, and I feel hurt. Sorry I'm really using this as a dear diary now 😂 I feel hurt because I feel like I've been sitting around waiting for him to do something (anything), whether that's move, buy a place, propose, fuck knows really. I've suggested so many various ideas over the years and it's always been "meh". The latest one was a business idea I had, for a business we could set up that would do so well locally, because theres nothing like it around and I just know it would do massively well. He just kind of smiled at me and said "yeah....".

I'm just tired of being the one who has really tied myself in knots trying to adapt and change and nothing is really advancing - so now I'm going to take over the reins to my own life again. Hopefully he will see it kind of works in his favour too. After all I've capitulated to staying in the north for the time being and I wouldnt expect him to contribute to a mortgage.

Anyway, that's it for my update!

I moved back 10 years ago. If you PM me we can chat about it. I think it is really complicated. Emotionally I miss it so much but it is really my 20s I miss. In other ways I am much happier. I have more access to countryside and walking and it is also much easier to get things done in your mother tongue, even if you are bilingual. I didn't realise how difficult it was being an immigrant until I no longer was one.
There are lots of pros and cons. PM me if you like to chat.

@prawncocktailpringles
Thank you, I've messaged you :)

Done a complete U-turn on myself today. I just want to leave, I feel like life is too short. But then my partner smiles at me and I just think - what am I doing?

I'm exhausting myself.

Sorry, I've not read the thread through, and I see it goes back a while, so ignore if irrelevant - just wondered if you had considered keeping your main residence in France for the next 2 years and just "popping over" to the UK during term time to study? It is not as if anyone is keeping tabs on you, but even if they were, you wouldn't be "away" for more than 6 months at a time.

Oh, and I stayed abroad, and had children.
When you do that, you are tying yourself to the country for at least another 18 years. For life, more likely. I considered going to the UK when I got divorced, but my children are in fact now 21 and 23, and I still don't especially fancy going off to the UK and leaving them here. They will very likely settle down here and have kids - I'd love to see my grandchildren. I'm happy here, but for example I have not seen my parents or siblings for more than a week here or there for the last 30 years. Staying is a big decision.

I totally relate to your feeling of betrayal.
I feel I sacrificed a lot by staying here and have often felt like a welcome add-on to my dh's life.
I think I may be having a mid-life crisis because I find myself questioning everything these days, not least my decision to stay.
I feel physically sick sometimes at the thought that I am stuck here because of the terrible truth that this is my children's home but not mine.
Ravenmum, your comment has burst my fantasy bubble that I will be able to escape in 5 years when my children have finished university.
Honestly OP, if the resentment for your dp is already there I think it will only get worse.
Your plan sounds sensible. Good luck!

Ravenmum, your comment has burst my fantasy bubble that I will be able to escape in 5 years when my children have finished university.
I think you just have to weigh it up for you personally. If I was unhappier, I'd probably be thinking about popping over to see my imaginary grandchildren, and having them visit in the UK.

Part of the reason I'm happy to stay is that I have a new bf who is also not local - he's not foreign like me, but we are both outsiders. My exh used to get quite uptight about what he saw as me criticising "his country" - the bf laughs at weird local habits along with me and it's all far more laid back.

Also became a citizen recently and it has made me feel suprisingly welcome and entitled to be here :)

It sounds like you have grown restless, which is fine but you need to own it. There’s a lot of finger pointing and talk of betrayal but it is not clear if you had discussed shared goals with your partner or if you ever had them. The U.K with the mess that is Brexit and it’s runaway Covid numbers is unsurprisingly not at the top of everyone’s favoured destination. What are the employment and residency possibilities for your partner? Do you even know. In my experience, the residency path to U.K citizens in Europe are a lot easier than the disaster that is the British government.

The thing about finger pointing, it’s an excuse to not take ownership of your own choices. For someone wanting to retrain in Psychology, you appear to be lacking in the ability to look within.

You are in a limbo of your own making.