To leave France

[CroissantMuncher]

I have a DP (French) I love and a job that is deeply unfulfilling but pays well. We live in France and I can now apply for citizenship: it will take 2 years for that to be processed.

I am bilingual so there is no language issue. I just find myself missing living in the UK for lots of reasons. I feel like I'm done with france and what I would actually like to do is go back to the UK and retrain in psychology.

I'm 34. All my family and friends in the UK say I'm mad, France is so much better (whilst they still live in the UK....), that I'm throwing away my chance at an EU passport post Brexit, that I'm throwing away my relationship (he refuses to move).

I really dont know what to do. On the one hand settled life with DP in France. On the other hand change career and go back to UK. Part of me thinks I could regret leaving so close to getting citizenship. Another part of me thinks life is short.

Anyone been in a similar quandary or have any thoughts?

I find it seriously depressing that so many people are making this thread so political

I find the lack of political and economic understanding of Brexit seriously depressing. It doesn’t matter where you’ve lived, if you think the U.K. will magically agree convenient border arrangements with the EU when it’s spent the last 4 years arguing and the last couple of months reneging on existing agreements you’re seriously naive.

“Reciprocal arrangements are being discussed in London“ - what are you talking about?

Hi OP,
Your partner has no intention of leaving his area - where he has his friends, family and a business. Despite this none of your future plans involve staying there.

I think earlier in your thread you mention that it is quite mad to plan to move to England to retrain and work while your partner has no intention to move and think you will stay together. I think it is quite mad and I have lived a long distance from my partner for years at a time and with joint children in the past. That is usually a stepping stone to reuniting but your plan has no resolution. I could see an older/retired couple making it work long term but "imagine if I met someone else in the UK" doesn't sound like loves young dream kept apart by circumstances beyond your control.

It sounds like you want to hedge your bets and keeping your partner hanging on on the back burner in case you are more unhappy in the new plan than now and can go back. The new visa you found where you can leave for 5 years sounds even more like you will go off and see if there is a better offer, see if you "meet someone else" or can only find shit work and if it's not better want to head back to a waiting partner for what you find a dull but not horrendous life. You would be using him and need to let him go.

Does your partner want children? If he waits for you he may also miss the chance to have a family as a young man and you won't be back unless it's because you find life in England to be crap for you.

You have no intention to stay and he has no intention to leave. You are fond of each other but your relationship has no future.

I have to say anyone is little England it is probably you, the kind that never go anywhere but think they know everything!

Well, your time overseas seems to have confirmed you only in your parochial views. Which of course is not unusual in a certain type of British expat. Of course reciprocal arrangements are on the table, but no one is that interested in playing ball with a country attempting to tear up international treaties it has previously ratified, and whose negotiation behaviour throughout Brexit has been characterised by confusion, mendacity and self-delusion.

Oh, and I have lived abroad, in a variety of different places, since 1997.

Reciprocal arrangements are possible that is not the same as being on the table. The only thing on the table at the moment, realistically, is no deal, unless Boris performs one of his now characteristic U-turns.

The obvious reciprocal arrangements of the single market and customs union have been rejected by parliament.

sunries You have a very naive view of the world. Separate countries will work in their own interests, and that is the case all over the world. Yes reciprocal arrangements with different EU countries are already being discussed regardless of whatever deal does or doesn't happen. You don't seem to have a grasp on the economics, London is the financial capital of the world. I am sorry to say but you are missing the point entirely if you feel London is going to just shut up shop on the 1st of January.

Another silly row about the pros and cons of brexit will not help op. Her issue is not with brexit, but with living in a place that does not suit her with a man she does not want to marry. She might be gloriously happy with a Parisian or an Italian artist for all we know. She can continue her life almost anywhere else, but I for one feel it would be a mistake to stay there with such limited options.

The bitter diatribe that springs from any conversation about brexit/borders really needs to stop now, it sounds childish and churlish, most of us have simply moved on. It is done.

Couldn't agree more with "you will always feel torn."

However you have to consider life in the UK has moved on too. Friends have new friends. People have moved. It's not like time has stood still.

I would say go for counselling try and identify the issues. Yes apply for the French citizenship and spend at least six months deciding.

I speak from experience. Lived in USA but came home again. It was right decision for us but DH came too.

it's so unsettling.

Friends just stop talking it’s embarrassing.

You’ve given the OP some sensible advice previously, but exposing your painfully naive grasp of Brexit does you no favours.

Honestly op I really think that if you maybe joined a club which is very community feeling it may help.

There's loads of sports which are like this- CrossFit, running club, Brasilia juijitsu, team sports? That way it gets you into a social circle

tatiana It certainly isn't for YOU to tell me to stop talking. You don't get to dictate who can speak and who can't! You are not the thread police, and nor should you ever tell someone else to stop talking simply because you don't agree with it.

It is a damn shame you haven't offered any sensible advice.

The pursuit of a citizenship may cost op much more than a few more convenient working options. Unemployment is sky high in most parts of the EU, we have to wonder how useful the citizenship will even be, if successful - assuming op wants to even stay there!

Jesus I am not going into a rerun of brexit!

There's loads of sports which are like this- CrossFit, running club, Brasilia juijitsu, team sports?

Most of those things do not exist in most French villages. That is the whole problem.

@Winter2020

Yes I agree with you. Sadly it seems that realistically I will need to let my partner go. It's not for want of trying, I have been trying for years to slot into this life, and tying myself in knots in the process. It's not even that he doesnt want to leave his région, he won't even consider a move to a different part of the région. So really, whether I go to the UK, or whether I go to Montpellier, it's the same issue of us being apart without any end point as you mention.

Sometimes I feel very frustrated with him. Sometimes I feel very frustrated with myself: why cant I just ne happy with what I have, with a beautiful (rented) house in a French village and a loving partner?

For people talking about socialising, it's not about socialising. I have a social circle and friends here. I'm pretty well integrated. As Friends points out there's fuck all to do in the village, but I can get to Lille easily which is what I do.

I feel like the 10 year residency thing has made me feel a bit better about having a little more leeway. I think next year I will use that to go back to the UK and get work as a MH support worker for some experience (stopping the clock on citizenship but at least being able to come back), OR I will go to Montpellier (where I used to live and still have friends) to wait out the citizenship and give myself another chance at trying France somewhere less grim.

I just feel so guilty and sad about my partner. I really wish it didnt have to be like this. But if I'm honest we knew from the start that we had completely different outlooks and lifestyles. We just get on so well on a day to day basis. It's taken me a long time to accept that isnt enough

I once looked at studying psychology in France. My French wasn't as good as yours so I planned on attending lectures simply to familiarize myself with the language in that area and the uni system before I applied. I found out that you could attend lectures as a member of the public and not sit exams. It cost about €30 for the year.

I'm saying that because you could perhaps attend some lectures and see what it's like to help make your decision.

I would also not think that you can move "back" to the UK. So many things have changed, it would be more like moving to the UK.

It appears that my app didn't update - I was posting in reply to something on Saturday! The thread updated after I'd posted: the biggest cross-post possible!!

It sounds like you have come such a long way already op, having acknowledged now that this is not the life for you (within that village/region) - and that your dp is wedded to the idea of staying precisely where he is, and will not move under any circumstances. Nor is he likely to be good marriage material, if I can say it in such a way.

You started this thread feeling confused, and it seems like the clouds are parting and can see more clearly what you would like/need from the future. At least you now know what you definitely don't want! You are half way there.

It is a blessing to have this realisation now, and not in ten or twenty years time when you are saddled with irreversible commitments and baggage, you are still carefree and independent. Thankfully. The world is your oyster. Your thread has given me much to consider about my own direction.

Can I say you sound like a bright, articulate and intelligent person - you will be successful wherever you live and whatever you do, but don't shortchange yourself - do something with your talents and skills. The clock might not be ticking in a maternal way - but you could make a massive difference to the world once your direction has been fully decided. Psychotherapy might suit you too if you are interested in working in mental health.

I wish you all the best, and I am sure you will find the answer soon.

I didn’t advise you to stop talking because I disagree with you Friends but because you’re embarrassing yourself.

But go right ahead, it’s no skin off my nose.

Most of those things do not exist in most French villages. That is the whole problem.

Actually most French villages and small towns have an awful lot of stuff going on, hence the forums des associations every year. It might not be exactly the sort of thing op wants to do though. My more rural friends join websites like Onvasortir and Meetup to find like-minded souls.

tatiana I am not sure you are the kind of person I would like to communicate with at all, I don't get embarrassed of myself or others period.
It might be better if you directed your posts to the op, and not to me, as I have no interest in what you are saying.

Sometimes I feel very frustrated with him. Sometimes I feel very frustrated with myself: why cant I just ne happy with what I have, with a beautiful (rented) house in a French village and a loving partner?

Because it’s rather boring, basically. You’re in one of the least nice bits of the whole of France.

Montpellier - totally different kettle of fish.

Oh do stop going on Friends.

"why cant I just ne happy with what I have, with a beautiful (rented) house in a French village and a loving partner?"

Because it's not what you want! You don't want to live in a French village. And he may be loving but he doesn't love you enough to consider moving for you. As you have done for him.

"if I'm honest we knew from the start that we had completely different outlooks and lifestyles. We just get on so well on a day to day basis. It's taken me a long time to accept that isnt enough"

I guess it was worth a try to see whether you could find a middle ground in terms of outlooks and lifestyles. It's not time wasted if you enjoyed it while it lasted. But what you said about tying yourself in knots is a bit worrying, as if you felt you had to be someone you're not in order to accept life with him. It does seem that it's time to move on.

Best of luck op, you sound great and I am sure you will go on to do some marvellous things in your next chapter wherever that leads you

'sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together'

All the best lovely!

You don't seem to have a grasp on the economics, London is the financial capital of the world. I am sorry to say but you are missing the point entirely if you feel London is going to just shut up shop on the 1st of January

....and you do? for starters it has lost that accolade in March.
I have worked in the 'city and anyone who thinks that everything is set in stone and stays the same, is mistaken.
The top 10 is dominated by Asian markets, Zurich is also in the top 10, up from 15th.
Dublin, Paris Frankfurt, will also do well, the EU will not use London as we go forward.
London grew exponentially within the EEC/EU, post Brexit, it will decline and as our economy is funded by the SE, this may be a consideration for the OP, a uk only passport limits job opportunities in the rest of europe.

But imho she perhaps needs to consider if and how long it will take to get employment in Psychology, wherever she decides to live.

You have to be joking jas!! Dublin??? Frankfurt?? None of those cities come anywhere close to London, Dublin is a tin pot small town - really not offering anything beyond stag weekends! Not even Paris can touch London.
It is global heavyweight that will become stronger not weaker post brexit. As someone that works in the city now, the city is now not only bursting with hedge funds and investment banks, but also tech and other start ups in East London is absolutely on the money.

Perhaps the last time you were here in 1979 it was a smaller operation, but we have the worlds brightest and best here without a shadow of a doubt, and I have every confidence once the bonfire of regulations happens next year - LDN will become even more innovative and successful as we all move into a new era.