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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Child Maintenance

205 replies

lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 08:35

Hi there,

I am looking for a bit of advice really. I am bout to split with my boyfriend. We live together and have 2 kids, both under the age of 5.

We both work full time and we are on exactly the same salary per year (coincidence). I own the house we live in and he pays me "rent" each month. He moved in when we first got together.

We have always done everything 50/50 when it comes to the kids. We split nursery cost down the middle and buy them clothes and food etc. I pay my share and he pays his share. No problem there. This will not be a problem going forward.

My question is, if/when we split up. He will have the kids 50% of the time and I will have them 50% of the time. They will have clothes at his house and they’ll have clothes at mine. He’ll feed them when they’re with him and I’ll do the same when they’re with me. Literally 50/50.

However the government website sets that he still needs to pay me £340 per month. Why? Does anyone know? I mean don’t get me wrong I will take the cash but deep down I don’t understand why?

I will have a mortgage to pay but so will he. Gas, electric, council tax etc... and so will he. Gosh it sounds like I’m defending him but I’m not. I just need to understand why he has to pay me and I don’t have to pay him even though we’re doing everything 50/50. I am no push over and I can make sure it’s 50/50.

I will take the money if the system says so but it seems unfair?

Can someone explain to me why he still need to pay me. There was no information on the government website.

Thanks in advance 🙏🏽

OP posts:
WhereverIGoddamnLike · 04/10/2020 20:46

Of course they say maintenance is still due because, as discussed a lot already, even if care is 50/50, it is the resident parent who usually gets stuck with all the big costs like childcare, extra curricular clubs, school trips, school uniform etc. Loads if couples do 50/50 or very close to it but when the school need paid for something, or the kids join a club, the resident parent gets stuck with the bill.

The OP and her ex are doing things differently. They are splitting all the costs. When you're in a unique situation like that, you use your own common sense and moral judgement to realise you're not really owed any other money. But I'm guessing the OP is going to go after it anyway.

TazMac · 04/10/2020 20:58

But I'm guessing the OP is going to go after it anyway.

In which case the OP can use the £340 to pay for all childcare, clothes, uniform, clubs, hobbies. As well as paying him a lump sum due to the potential beneficial interest he may have gained in her property.

Sounds like the OP could end up a lot worse off if she tries to be greedy.

Nicknamegoeshere · 04/10/2020 20:59

I can categorically confirm that if it's true 50/50 shared care then no maintenance is due from either party.

Nicknamegoeshere · 04/10/2020 21:02

My ex earns £105k+ pa but still claims CB for one of our sons. It's 50/50 shared care. I earn around £13k pa and receive CB for the other son.

Nicknamegoeshere · 04/10/2020 21:03

@BillMasen See above.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 04/10/2020 21:07

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Of course they say maintenance is still due because, as discussed a lot already, even if care is 50/50, it is the resident parent who usually gets stuck with all the big costs like childcare, extra curricular clubs, school trips, school uniform etc. Loads if couples do 50/50 or very close to it but when the school need paid for something, or the kids join a club, the resident parent gets stuck with the bill.

The OP and her ex are doing things differently. They are splitting all the costs. When you're in a unique situation like that, you use your own common sense and moral judgement to realise you're not really owed any other money. But I'm guessing the OP is going to go after it anyway.

According to the calculator if I have both kids 7 days (nights) a week, meaning if he never has them over at his place, he would only have to pay me £594 every month. That includes everything. I think I like the deal my soon to be ex partner is offering as it's way better than what he would be legally required to pay me. I don't think he knows he's offering more that what he would be legally required to pay but I'll take the deal on the table.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 04/10/2020 21:09

@Nicknamegoeshere

I can categorically confirm that if it's true 50/50 shared care then no maintenance is due from either party.
Thank you
OP posts:
TazMac · 04/10/2020 21:09

Let’s hope your soon to be ex isn’t currently seeking advice on Reddit then.

OP if you move another partner in, in the future, spend the £600 or so on legal fees to get a declaration of trust in place.

AllsortsofAwkward · 04/10/2020 21:10

If I was him I would pay you the £340 and let you deal with the childcare costs and upkeep. Youre getting a good deal and more than most get.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 04/10/2020 21:16

@TazMac

Let’s hope your soon to be ex isn’t currently seeking advice on Reddit then.

OP if you move another partner in, in the future, spend the £600 or so on legal fees to get a declaration of trust in place.

Thank you. I am already looking at template letters online.

I think being educated on what he could be entitled to against me from years of paying rent has massively shifted my perspective. I guess I'm lucky that he's not the "claiming type". He's just too proud to be going down that road with me. I think he would rather start again than air our dirty laundry in public. That's my experience of him anyway but as some people have said, no one knows what he would do if pushed.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 04/10/2020 21:17

@AllsortsofAwkward

If I was him I would pay you the £340 and let you deal with the childcare costs and upkeep. Youre getting a good deal and more than most get.
Thank you. I am beginning to realise that.
OP posts:
combatbarbie · 04/10/2020 21:38

Beating the op relentlessly because you can't be bothered to read the thread is ridiculous.

OP you have shown great restraint to the CFs on here who are still questioning your original beliefs despite your mindset being shifted more than 24hrs ago..... Kudos 🙌

BillMasen · 04/10/2020 21:57

@Nicknamegoeshere

I can categorically confirm that if it's true 50/50 shared care then no maintenance is due from either party.
I can categorically confirm that if one party refuses to chance child benefit and clskms both then even with absolutely true shared care, courts can, and did, state cms should be paid
BillMasen · 04/10/2020 21:58

*change

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 04/10/2020 22:14

@combatbarbie

Beating the op relentlessly because you can't be bothered to read the thread is ridiculous.

OP you have shown great restraint to the CFs on here who are still questioning your original beliefs despite your mindset being shifted more than 24hrs ago..... Kudos 🙌

Thank you. I guess I asked people to be straight with me and they did. I have now been educated on the alternative which made me realise how ridiculous I sounded and the deal on the table is good so I'll take it. Thanks again.
OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 04/10/2020 22:47

your children are under 5 years old - i highly doubt 50/50 is for their benefit.
They need stability and a set routine.......50/50 is something to look at a few years down the line.

Nicknamegoeshere · 05/10/2020 00:00

@monkeymonkey2010 The courts may well not agree. When I walked out on my abusive ex-husband seven years ago my boys were just 3 and 6 at the time. Courts ruled 50/50 as both parents should be seen "as equal." I agree 50/50 was the wrong decision but that was the one that was made.

@BillMasen Not sure what you mean? When I left my ex-husband I was in receipt of CB for both boys. Courts then ruled exactly 50/50 shared care. Ex then put in a rival CB claim (despite earning well over the £50 pa threshold) and was awarded CB for one boy. No maintenance payable. I've had £0.00 for the kids to this day.

Nicknamegoeshere · 05/10/2020 00:03

@BillMasen I certainly didn't agree to my ex receiving CB for one son!! What gives me the rage is that he has to pay it back! Ateotd he claims it and pays it back to the government. Dad of The Year right there(!)

CupoTeap · 05/10/2020 07:15

Hey op

Glad to help, you will still get people posting who haven't RTFT.

Looking at the other things you've said, maybe you should start a thread in relationships about the break up and navigating your way through this.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

GilbertMarkham · 05/10/2020 08:46

My ex earns £105k+ pa but still claims CB for one of our sons. It's 50/50 shared care. I earn around £13k pa and receive CB for the other son.

Seems absolutely crazy.

Take it solicitor couldn't get you any spousal maintenance (if you were married) .. I know it's uncommon but solicitor said she'd still try for me if divorced.

Also I take it the point a poster made here about courts trying to achieve equal standard of living in both homes for kids is bullshit/is not considered?

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 05/10/2020 09:04

@monkeymonkey2010

your children are under 5 years old - i highly doubt 50/50 is for their benefit. They need stability and a set routine.......50/50 is something to look at a few years down the line.
I can see where you're coming from. What would you suggest though? For example...

Option 1:
Both kids stay with me 7 days a week and he pays full child maintenance of £600? And he has no childcare responsibilities as he's paying me for it?

Option 2:
We both have kids 50:50 and he pays nothing as it'll be equal time and expenditure?

Option 3:
He has the kids some of the time and deduct the cost of the days he has them from the £600? Like a "pay as you go" type system? In our case we can call it "Don't pay when you have them"?

Option 4
We work out (somehow) how much it would cost to "run the kids" per day/night so that we're both clear what the total cost per day/night is; and then he can decide how many days/night he wants to have them? That way he knows exactly how much it would cost him when he has them? I don't know if that makes sense?

I'm not saying this is what I am going to do. I am asking if these would be some of the options you would suggest given what you said in your post about kids needing stability and routine. Thanks

OP posts:
TazMac · 05/10/2020 10:15

@lifeisntperfect

The person who signs the declaration of trust waiving any rights to a beneficial interest in the property also has to have sought legal advice, prior to signing. In order for it to be deemed valid by a court. FYI.

TazMac · 05/10/2020 10:20

@lifeisntperfect

It’s good that you are educating yourself by looking at templates but it would be sensible to have a solicitor check it. You will only be looking at £600 ish in legal fees. Whereas, without it, you could end up having to give away a 5 figure sum of equity in your property.

Nicknamegoeshere · 05/10/2020 11:28

@GilbertMarkham No, nothing at all re spousal maintenance. He has his own business and strangely enough was hardly earning a thing on his Form E. It wasn't until we'd divorced that the four sports cars and hot tub appeared!

It's rubbish about standard of living being the same on both homes. We were in a tiny and damp privately two-bed rented for five years. My youngest was still at preschool so was working when I could but still financially a nightmare. Made me very depressed having to scrub mould off the walls weekly.

in slightly bigger now seven years on but still rented with no hope of getting on the property ladder. I work ft but on rubbish salary!

He's taking me back to court for yet more custody, citing one of the reasons to be financial e.g. he has a huge garden, a hot tub, state-of-the-art gaming consoles, four bathrooms to our one. Horrendous control. Using his wealth as a weapon.

In the very early days I lost loads of weight as I hardly ate the weeks I didn't have the kids so I could save money for their clothes and school trips etc. Also switched off the heating. People thought it was intentional weight loss!!

He refuses to pay for any of the kids extra-curricular activities and so on so it's not even a 50/50 financial split.

Simplelyfe · 28/08/2021 20:48

50/50 'day to day' care means there is 'no case to answer'. Which means neither of you can claim on the other as the care is equal. ie week on week off time wise. He can look at a variety of government websites and see that he doesn't have to pay any maintenance.

The fact he's paying half of everything, has 50% care of the kids, that you have the same income, and yet you'd still take the extra £340 money a month is crazy to me. Pure greed.

No wonder these dads are asking for fairness. The ones that don't pay certainly should. But the ones that don't have to shouldn't be taken for a ride either.