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Original poster

Child Maintenance

205 replies

lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 08:35

Hi there,

I am looking for a bit of advice really. I am bout to split with my boyfriend. We live together and have 2 kids, both under the age of 5.

We both work full time and we are on exactly the same salary per year (coincidence). I own the house we live in and he pays me "rent" each month. He moved in when we first got together.

We have always done everything 50/50 when it comes to the kids. We split nursery cost down the middle and buy them clothes and food etc. I pay my share and he pays his share. No problem there. This will not be a problem going forward.

My question is, if/when we split up. He will have the kids 50% of the time and I will have them 50% of the time. They will have clothes at his house and they’ll have clothes at mine. He’ll feed them when they’re with him and I’ll do the same when they’re with me. Literally 50/50.

However the government website sets that he still needs to pay me £340 per month. Why? Does anyone know? I mean don’t get me wrong I will take the cash but deep down I don’t understand why?

I will have a mortgage to pay but so will he. Gas, electric, council tax etc... and so will he. Gosh it sounds like I’m defending him but I’m not. I just need to understand why he has to pay me and I don’t have to pay him even though we’re doing everything 50/50. I am no push over and I can make sure it’s 50/50.

I will take the money if the system says so but it seems unfair?

Can someone explain to me why he still need to pay me. There was no information on the government website.

Thanks in advance 🙏🏽

OP posts:
titchy · 03/10/2020 11:37

@LemonTT

The calculator would also say you owe him £340 if things are that equal.
This. Think about it...
waterSpider · 03/10/2020 11:38

"Me and my ex do exactly the same, so I deserve to be £680 a month better off than him (plus Child Benefit, maybe) because I'm female".

geez I think I'll encourage to sons to be MGTOW.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2020 11:51

Is he breaking up with you? Is your motivation to screw him over for some reason?

They are great saying you have to take that money off him. You should claim child benefit for one child each so that’s fair and not claim child support. If you want things to be arranged fairly and amicably I’d stop listening to your friend and sabotaging the coparenting relationship with your ex. Try to love your kids more than you might hate him.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 12:28

@LouHotel

Your saying days, cms is based on overnight. How many nights a week will he have them?
4 nights some week and 3 nights some week. I'll do the same.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 12:35

@baytreelane

He's well and truly screwed over. He's been paying towards your mortgage, which has likely increased its equity over your relationship too.

He's willing to pay half of everything and step up to be a decent dad.

And he walks away with nothing, needs to find a home (or have a made an assumption there and you're going to give him half of the increases equity whilst he paid half of the mortgage?) and you and your friend have decided it would be acceptable to take an additional £340 per month from him. Confused

To be honest I'm new to this and my friends and the calculator says I could get some money from him even if it's 50/50.

Yes I own the house 100%. He's been paying rent since 2016 yes and I'm not going to lie that has helped towards the mortgage and maybe I've gotten used to his rent easing some pressure on the mortgage and I'll have to start forming out the full mortgage myself.

But...I just thought if the calculator says he's got to give me money even if it's 50/50 I thought maybe I should take it.

I haven't thought about the fact that he has been helping paying for my mortgage and has not asked for any "equity" etc... I'm just new to all of this and maybe I am bitter that he's leaving and perhaps subconsciously I'm thinking if he can see that it would be more costly to leave he would stay. I don't know I'm just thinking out loud. I have heard what people are saying and I'll rethink, I think. Thank you

OP posts:
RaspberryHartleys · 03/10/2020 12:39

@lifeisntperfect if everything is equal (even disregarding the house which does not sound like the best moral decision), if he puts the numbers into the calculator, he will also see that you should pay him the £340 a month. Are you willing to do that?

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 12:47

I was genuinely led to believe that if he's leaving me and the kids then he has to pay financially. I thought that's what all single parents do? Thank you all for being straight with me. I feel a bit ashamed now to be honest but I'll take it on the chin. I was maybe secretly hoping for some validation on the issue but that said it sounds like I need to take the deal on the table and focus on the kids happiness.

OP posts:
DelilahDingleberry · 03/10/2020 12:49

The CMS calculator doesn’t give a correct figure for 50/50 cases. If you opened a case with them and told them it was 50/50 they would make a nil award.

DelilahDingleberry · 03/10/2020 12:51

Did you have a formal agreement about the purpose of the rent and that he wouldn’t ever have a beneficial interest in your property?

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 12:52

@DelilahDingleberry

The CMS calculator doesn’t give a correct figure for 50/50 cases. If you opened a case with them and told them it was 50/50 they would make a nil award.
I didn't know that. And yes the calculator doesn't say that which is why I thought as he is the one leaving us I'm due money despite the 50/50 time and expenditure. I thought the award is to do with supporting women? The fact that we had to go through pregnancy and maternity and perhaps we have been through a lot? I don't know...
OP posts:
RaspberryHartleys · 03/10/2020 12:52

Unfortunately who left who has no bearing on maintenance - its not about you or him, its about ensuring your child is supported.

50/50 care means you have split the costs 50/50 and therefore you child is properly supported.

In cases where it isnt 50/50 shared care e.g. where the Dad only has the DC every other weekend for example, then money would be due to the Mum. This isnt the case here.

The deal you have on the table is amazing, your DC gets to see his/her father half the week every week. You get a break from childcare and you dont have to pay for any formal childcare for half the week. A lot of parents would bite your hand off for that set up!

Time to move past any break up anger and think about how this situation can work best for your little one.

Good luck

DelilahDingleberry · 03/10/2020 12:52

Also ability to claim CMS will come down who claims Child Benefit for each child. If you want it to be fair, just claim for each child. Then if either of you ever went to the CMS, you’d both have to pay each other the same amount.

DelilahDingleberry · 03/10/2020 12:53

No, CMS is nothing to do with supporting women.

CupoTeap · 03/10/2020 12:58

Yes I'm thinking he pays half of everything. And then on top of that he gives me extra £340.

We are both on £46,000.

The calculator says he has to pay me that amount.

You think he's going to pay half of everything PLUS CMS?

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 12:58

@DelilahDingleberry

Did you have a formal agreement about the purpose of the rent and that he wouldn’t ever have a beneficial interest in your property?
No we didn't have a formal agreement. We met, dated, fell in love, he moved in, and started paying rent. As time went by we had kids. Never married but he has been paying rent every month. We didn't think to do anything formal. I don't think his mind would even go there because he's not the claiming type as he's a proud man.

Are you suggesting if I push things too far and he becomes aware he could raise the issue of paying rent fir 5 years he could be due something? For Example equity and stuff like that?

To be honest I just want to take the deal now 🙈

OP posts:
Nicknamegoeshere · 03/10/2020 12:59

No maintenance due if it's 50/50. Courts ruled shared custody seven years ago for our kids who were just 3 and 6 at the time. We're still in rented while ex-husband remains in the former exec marital home. I work ft on around £13k pa, he earns in excess of £105k pa.
Some people argue that's fair, guess it's down to individual opinion?

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 13:01

@CupoTeap

Yes I'm thinking he pays half of everything. And then on top of that he gives me extra £340.

We are both on £46,000.

The calculator says he has to pay me that amount.

You think he's going to pay half of everything PLUS CMS?

Yes that's what I thought. But I am finding out on this group that that's not fair. I genuinely thought that's what is owed to single mums when dads decide to leave.
OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 03/10/2020 13:04

I expect if you push fir maintenance via cms you’ll soon find he stops paying 50:50!

If you genuinely earn the same, have 50:50 shared care and he Pays half then don’t be an idiot and try to get more

CupoTeap · 03/10/2020 13:07

So if you can make an agreement that he pays half of everything then you should do.

If you can't agree then cms, there are not many who will pay over the cms rate.

Remember he will probably have friends telling him to only pay the cms rate!

RaspberryHartleys · 03/10/2020 13:08

Are you very young OP?

Are you really saying you want an extra nearly £400 out of a man who splits everything including childcare with you 50/50? So your children have a fine time with you but then he cant afford to take them anywhere or do anything with them because hes paying half of everything PLUS extra money to you for no reason?

You are in an extremely well off position here. He needs to find somewhere to buy or rent as well - are you happy for him to have to rent a smaller property where your children have to share or cant have as many toys etc all just so he can pay you?!

movingonup20 · 03/10/2020 13:15

If it's 50/50, and bills like nursery are split 50/50 then there's no maintenance in your circumstances. Courts and cms only get involved where there's disputes anyway. The website will assume you are paying for nursery etc which isn't the case. If you can amicably sort things out and coparent it's much better for kids

Ohalrightthen · 03/10/2020 13:15

You and your friend sound absolutely charming OP, christ. This guy has been paying your mortgage for years, is going to be left with no home and no equity, is offering you a completely fair split of childcare and costs, and you want to punish him for leaving by taking money from him needlessly, and you believe that's ok because why? Because you chose to have children? That's pretty abhorrent tbh.

Techway · 03/10/2020 13:16

Op, is the break up sudden? Has he moved out? I think you need to process it and perhaps don't listen to your friend as they seem to encourage bitterness.

Your ex may wake up and regret leaving but that could take a while and hopefully by then you have moved on. It is sad, you have young children and no doubt the last few years have been tough so perhaps he has
decided it feels like too much work.

Did your relationship happen quickly?

Sobeyondthehills · 03/10/2020 13:18

Is he the one choosing to end the relationship? Or did he cheat and you have kicked him out, because that is the only reason why I can see you would even ask this thinking it was fair.

Don't push it but you might want to get something in the future for any extra activities for the kids when they get a wee bit older. Also as they go into school, you might find its not as easy to do 50/50, so its something to think about.

Bollss · 03/10/2020 13:22

Wow getting paid because he decided to leave even though he has the kids as much as you do?

No op. That's not how it works. Your "friend" isn't someone I'd be taking advice from.