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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Child Maintenance

205 replies

lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 08:35

Hi there,

I am looking for a bit of advice really. I am bout to split with my boyfriend. We live together and have 2 kids, both under the age of 5.

We both work full time and we are on exactly the same salary per year (coincidence). I own the house we live in and he pays me "rent" each month. He moved in when we first got together.

We have always done everything 50/50 when it comes to the kids. We split nursery cost down the middle and buy them clothes and food etc. I pay my share and he pays his share. No problem there. This will not be a problem going forward.

My question is, if/when we split up. He will have the kids 50% of the time and I will have them 50% of the time. They will have clothes at his house and they’ll have clothes at mine. He’ll feed them when they’re with him and I’ll do the same when they’re with me. Literally 50/50.

However the government website sets that he still needs to pay me £340 per month. Why? Does anyone know? I mean don’t get me wrong I will take the cash but deep down I don’t understand why?

I will have a mortgage to pay but so will he. Gas, electric, council tax etc... and so will he. Gosh it sounds like I’m defending him but I’m not. I just need to understand why he has to pay me and I don’t have to pay him even though we’re doing everything 50/50. I am no push over and I can make sure it’s 50/50.

I will take the money if the system says so but it seems unfair?

Can someone explain to me why he still need to pay me. There was no information on the government website.

Thanks in advance 🙏🏽

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 03/10/2020 16:37

I would also consider week on week off to give the children some stability.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 03/10/2020 16:39

The above being said, you will need to talk through this carefully.

You'll each buy clothes and uniforms and food. You'll each pay half any childcare. That's all even.

What happens with clubs? If you decide to put them both into a football club, and he decides to put them both into dancing. Who pays what? If you make individual decisions for activities during your own time with them, have you agreed that the membership fees will be split? Or be your own responsibility?

You need to sort all that out beforehand so you dont end up arguing. And if everything falls apart and he stops contributing then you go to CMS.

GilbertMarkham · 03/10/2020 16:41

This guy has been paying your mortgage for years

He paid towards living there - as he should have. Should he have had free accommodation.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:41

@combatbarbie

OP, I'm a bit shocked you think CMS is some sort of compensation for him leaving? And I think the previous poster asking if you earn £46k was inferring that someone who earns that would probably be intelligent to know what CMS is and what it aims to provide for the children.

To put it another way, as it stands at the moment, if he was not giving 50% of child related costs.... Ie childcare, clothes etc would this come to more than £340? This is on assumption the little one at least is in full time nursery. Think about it. Most single parents foot the bill for childcare and the CMS is used to offset that cost.

If yous can keep things amicable I would genuinely just split the childcare bill 50/50 and this includes any school related costs, trips, lunches etc. Clothes, toys etc need provided by each household should be bought by each house. Kids that are in school should have uniform at both houses. This will save a lot of hassle later down the road.

Thanks for your response. I have listened since my original post at 08.35 this morning. I'm no longer defending the thoughts I had at 08:35. I now know how ridiculous I sound. Sometimes you just need people to point stuff out to you.

I no longer believe I would be owed money. The people commenting how are assuming I still want to peruse a claim against my soon to be ex. I am sorry.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 03/10/2020 16:43

He'd had to have paid rent if he wasn't living in ops house.

TazMac · 03/10/2020 16:45

@GilbertMarkham

If the OPs ex pursues a claim then the OP will have to prove that her ex knew he was paying rent and not gaining a beneficial interest in the family home.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:47

[quote TazMac]@GilbertMarkham

If the OPs ex pursues a claim then the OP will have to prove that her ex knew he was paying rent and not gaining a beneficial interest in the family home.[/quote]
We didn't have any agreement in place. He simply moved in and started paying rent as you do, to contribute towards the mortgage I guess. His monthly standing order payment reference states "rent money"

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 03/10/2020 16:49

@lifeisntperfect my post wasn't to make you defend yourself, In any case, you have received a bit of a hard time on here but I also know that you are hurt and angry and let's face it, money hurts so despite your earlier lack of understanding, I do understand why you would have wanted to pursue if you were entitled, to hurt him for hurting you. Completely natural.

But did the rest of my post make sense?

HeyBlaby · 03/10/2020 16:51

'in case he pushes for some equity from your house, that he is likely to get?'

This wouldn't happen.

TazMac · 03/10/2020 16:51

We didn't have any agreement in place. He simply moved in and started paying rent as you do, to contribute towards the mortgage I guess. His monthly standing order payment reference states "rent money"

He could argue that it was initially rent money but as you then had two children together, he considered that money to be a contribution to the family home, therefore he has gained a beneficial interest in the property.

VettiyaIruken · 03/10/2020 16:52

If you don't feel it's right and you and he will do 50/50 of all expenses (clothes, school expenses, etc etc) then don't take it.
It's not compulsory to take it.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:54

@TazMac

We didn't have any agreement in place. He simply moved in and started paying rent as you do, to contribute towards the mortgage I guess. His monthly standing order payment reference states "rent money"

He could argue that it was initially rent money but as you then had two children together, he considered that money to be a contribution to the family home, therefore he has gained a beneficial interest in the property.

Understood. But he's a very proud man and I don't think he would be trying to make a claim against a house that isn't his legally. He can be proud like that.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:55

[quote combatbarbie]@lifeisntperfect my post wasn't to make you defend yourself, In any case, you have received a bit of a hard time on here but I also know that you are hurt and angry and let's face it, money hurts so despite your earlier lack of understanding, I do understand why you would have wanted to pursue if you were entitled, to hurt him for hurting you. Completely natural.

But did the rest of my post make sense? [/quote]
Yes it does make sense, thank you.

You are right, I have been bashed a bit but I asked for it I guess. Maybe I am bitter he's leaving and subconsciously I wanted some sort of compensation. Again, something I don't actually believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:56

@HeyBlaby

'in case he pushes for some equity from your house, that he is likely to get?'

This wouldn't happen.

Why do you mean? Do you mean if he makes a claim he won't succeed?
OP posts:
combatbarbie · 03/10/2020 17:02

I think the posters are concerned he could be entitled to some of your equity. My advice would be to keep things simple. If he is the kind of man you say he is, he may well just leave and do the whole 50/50 thing but if you started making things difficult, he still has this in his back pocket to hurt you.

But that would not be beneficial to the children long term if you cannot Co parent effectively.

TazMac · 03/10/2020 17:02

But he's a very proud man and I don't think he would be trying to make a claim against a house that isn't his legally. He can be proud like that.

He might view it as equalising things if you push for £340 a month child maintenance, despite you earning similar salaries and doing 50/50 care.

PS a court might decide that you don’t legally own it either, if they decide he has gained a beneficial interest in it.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 17:09

@TazMac

But he's a very proud man and I don't think he would be trying to make a claim against a house that isn't his legally. He can be proud like that.

He might view it as equalising things if you push for £340 a month child maintenance, despite you earning similar salaries and doing 50/50 care.

PS a court might decide that you don’t legally own it either, if they decide he has gained a beneficial interest in it.

Thanks. I've learned my lesson and will not pursue the issue now.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 17:11

@combatbarbie

I think the posters are concerned he could be entitled to some of your equity. My advice would be to keep things simple. If he is the kind of man you say he is, he may well just leave and do the whole 50/50 thing but if you started making things difficult, he still has this in his back pocket to hurt you.

But that would not be beneficial to the children long term if you cannot Co parent effectively.

Understood. I just didn't think about these things... and it's making me look so bad on here. I will feedback what people have said to my friend do she doesn't give the same advice to anyone else.
OP posts:
Laaalaaaa · 03/10/2020 17:17

@HeyBlaby

'in case he pushes for some equity from your house, that he is likely to get?'

This wouldn't happen.

Don’t be so sure. My friend owned a flat and let her partner move in. Split a few years later, partner claimed that she had contributed towards xyz. My friend had to pay her a 5 figure sum.
pincertoe · 03/10/2020 17:25

I'm pleased op you have listened and heard.

I wonder what yours thoughts would have been if the situation was different.

What if he owned your home and asked you to leave? Would you believe he should pay you even though he hadn't 'left'. Or was it about who is breaking the family?

Or if you wanted him to leave so he left but it wasn't his choice? Financially he is going to be worse off as he has to start again, find a home, furnish and decorate a home. So if you had asked him to leave would you expect and be happy to pay him £340 a month as well as 50/50 of children's cost?

All other facts remain the same, children still cost the same for both of you, you are both still earning the same etc.

It's probably impossible to answer now you have seen sense but I think it's interesting to see different points of view and realise how slight changes don't affect anything but might change your perspective.

combatbarbie · 03/10/2020 17:53

@lifeisperfect it's not making you look bad. Bad is:
Poster :AIBU
Mumsnet: Yes
Poster: no I'm not....

Credit yourself, you asked, you've been educated, you've made sense of the alternative and you admitted fault. You're still here answering, so that shows you are human.... And we all make mistakes.

The ones that are STILL posting without RTFT are the most annoying thing about mumsnet.

GilbertMarkham · 03/10/2020 18:01

If the OPs ex pursues a claim then the OP will have to prove that her ex knew he was paying rent and not gaining a beneficial interest in the family home.

I wasnt saying he couldn't.

I was pointing out to the person that said he'd been "paying her mortgage" that they both paid towards household expenses, and he pays because he was living there, benefitting from it. He didn't pay her mortgage, he paid towards household expenses somewhere he was living (should he have lived there free?).

Whether he could go after money from op, I don't know .. only an experienced solicitor would know.

And yes, perhaps he would more likely to think about it if op goes after child maintenance from him. Sounds like she wouldn't get any anyway ; if the poster who said the site is wrong when it quotes an amount even for 50-50 residence.

Citizens advice could advise you on CM, op. They are usually pretty good.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 18:03

[quote combatbarbie]@lifeisperfect it's not making you look bad. Bad is:
Poster :AIBU
Mumsnet: Yes
Poster: no I'm not....

Credit yourself, you asked, you've been educated, you've made sense of the alternative and you admitted fault. You're still here answering, so that shows you are human.... And we all make mistakes.

The ones that are STILL posting without RTFT are the most annoying thing about mumsnet.
[/quote]
Thank you. I found out the hard way but all the same, I've been educated now. Lots of lessons learned.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 03/10/2020 18:05

And we can only guess if you did that, whether or would make him a lot less "proud" and nastier, and try to claim money from you re the house.

If you both earn the same, it seems unfair anyway. As long as you both pay equally for any costs.

Are you going to split childcare, that's a major cost.

GilbertMarkham · 03/10/2020 18:07

Don't worry op, people on here love to jump all over people.

I'm sorry your relationship has broken down (by him it looks like), that's very upsetting and stressful.