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Original poster

Child Maintenance

205 replies

lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 08:35

Hi there,

I am looking for a bit of advice really. I am bout to split with my boyfriend. We live together and have 2 kids, both under the age of 5.

We both work full time and we are on exactly the same salary per year (coincidence). I own the house we live in and he pays me "rent" each month. He moved in when we first got together.

We have always done everything 50/50 when it comes to the kids. We split nursery cost down the middle and buy them clothes and food etc. I pay my share and he pays his share. No problem there. This will not be a problem going forward.

My question is, if/when we split up. He will have the kids 50% of the time and I will have them 50% of the time. They will have clothes at his house and they’ll have clothes at mine. He’ll feed them when they’re with him and I’ll do the same when they’re with me. Literally 50/50.

However the government website sets that he still needs to pay me £340 per month. Why? Does anyone know? I mean don’t get me wrong I will take the cash but deep down I don’t understand why?

I will have a mortgage to pay but so will he. Gas, electric, council tax etc... and so will he. Gosh it sounds like I’m defending him but I’m not. I just need to understand why he has to pay me and I don’t have to pay him even though we’re doing everything 50/50. I am no push over and I can make sure it’s 50/50.

I will take the money if the system says so but it seems unfair?

Can someone explain to me why he still need to pay me. There was no information on the government website.

Thanks in advance 🙏🏽

OP posts:
HappyThursdays · 03/10/2020 13:22

My kids are all over 18 now but I didn't claim child maintenance from exh

We agreed this but the lawyers acknowledged that if at any point I wanted to claim it, legally he would have to pay it (I kept to my word and didn't claim it)

user1471457751 · 03/10/2020 13:28

Look up beneficial interest OP and be careful what you wish for.
And perhaps get better friends, ones who don't encourage you to be bitter and spiteful and risk destroying your co-parenting relationship

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 13:29

@Techway

Op, is the break up sudden? Has he moved out? I think you need to process it and perhaps don't listen to your friend as they seem to encourage bitterness.

Your ex may wake up and regret leaving but that could take a while and hopefully by then you have moved on. It is sad, you have young children and no doubt the last few years have been tough so perhaps he has
decided it feels like too much work.

Did your relationship happen quickly?

The break up hasn't happened yet. He still lives with us and still pays me rent as he hasn't moved out yet. He still does his fair share of child care and pays his share of what needs paying for the kids. We are civil around the kids. He could have moved out a few months ago but he says he feels guilty as our youngest is a year and half and he wants to make sure our youngest get to know him really well before he leaves us. But the break up definitely happening. We sleep in separate rooms.

This is me preparing for the future and looking at what my options are.

That's when I was told if he leaves he will have to pay up as that's what happens when a man leaves the home?

Yes our relationship happened quite quick and we had our first kid really fast (4 months into the relationship) but it felt right at the time.

I don't believe he's leaving me for another woman. We're just not getting along and for various reasons he's decided that we should split up.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 13:31

@Sobeyondthehills

Is he the one choosing to end the relationship? Or did he cheat and you have kicked him out, because that is the only reason why I can see you would even ask this thinking it was fair.

Don't push it but you might want to get something in the future for any extra activities for the kids when they get a wee bit older. Also as they go into school, you might find its not as easy to do 50/50, so its something to think about.

Yes he's the one ending the relationship. No he didn't cheat. I'm not kicking him out. We're just not getting along, perhaps since the kids came along.
OP posts:
TazMac · 03/10/2020 13:37

@lifeisntperfect

Perhaps you’ll end up paying him £340 a month maintenance, despite the fact that you both earn the same and are taking equal responsibility for child care and costs. Do you think that would be fair?

Perhaps your ex will take you to court to get a percentage of the equity built up since 2016. He may be awarded some of it but maybe not. Did he sign a living together agreement before moving in, stating that he would not have any claim on the house? If he didn’t, then I would be very careful.

Do you think that would be fair?

RedMarauder · 03/10/2020 13:37

The CMS is advisory if you can't come to your own private arrangement.

I would get it in writing - you to him and him to you - agreeing that you both pay 50% of all child related costs.

Then leave it as otherwise he could chase you for the rent he paid you for 4 years as he is now needs to pay completely for a new home.

BuffaloCauliflower · 03/10/2020 13:38

The paying happens when a man leaves and doesn’t do an equal share. If he was having them one day a week then yes of course he should pay you. If you’re splitting care exactly equally as you describe including buying clothes etc at your respective houses then neither of you is caring for the children more than the other so no one needs to pay the other anything, as neither of you are shouldering a bigger financial burden. Does that make sense? It’s not consolation money for him leaving it’s about the cost of raising children

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 03/10/2020 13:40

You need to stop listening to your friend op, they know nothing about the legalities of it all and are putting wrong ideas in your head. It’s not that common unfortunately for both partners to be earning the same amount so they’ll be basing their comments on that. Like everyone else has pointed out, he can go onto the same calculator and see you’ll owe him the same amount! Once you speak to an actual person and explain it’s 50/50 you’ll be informed so support is due. And yes, if he wants to be petty he could try and get some of the money he has put into your house, it would probably involve court and there’s no way to know which way it could go but he is entitled to do that, you’d need to pay solicitor fees etc on top of it all. Just accept he owes you nothing legally, if anything it’ll be you owing him for contributing to a mortgage. He can legally apply to register his interest in the house as he’s lived there and contributed and you’ll have to buy him out.

RaspberryHartleys · 03/10/2020 13:42

Beginning to think this isnt genuine ...

bethany39 · 03/10/2020 13:44

@Ohalrightthen

You and your friend sound absolutely charming OP, christ. This guy has been paying your mortgage for years, is going to be left with no home and no equity, is offering you a completely fair split of childcare and costs, and you want to punish him for leaving by taking money from him needlessly, and you believe that's ok because why? Because you chose to have children? That's pretty abhorrent tbh.
This.

And as others have said the CMS calculator is wrong for 50:50 anyway. If you claim you won't get anything.

Techway · 03/10/2020 13:49

There is no compensation for having children with a man who then leaves. The support is for the children and I am surprised the attitude exists in this age. Had you married and gave up a career then it is likely he may have had to provide additional support to enable you to return to work.

It is fortunate that you retained your career. You will be so grateful in a few years for that.
Has he tried to work on the relationship? Young children change the dynamic as you become parents and couple time needs to be negotiated and for a while both of you may not have your needs met. It is silly to bale during these tough times but perhaps the foundation at the start wasn't firm enough. How old is he?

Ohalrightthen · 03/10/2020 13:49

He gets to leave whenever he wants, OP, and he doesn't have to pay for the privilege.

Trumpeditnow · 03/10/2020 13:53

@RaspberryHartleys I thought the same Shock

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 13:55

@Techway

There is no compensation for having children with a man who then leaves. The support is for the children and I am surprised the attitude exists in this age. Had you married and gave up a career then it is likely he may have had to provide additional support to enable you to return to work.

It is fortunate that you retained your career. You will be so grateful in a few years for that.
Has he tried to work on the relationship? Young children change the dynamic as you become parents and couple time needs to be negotiated and for a while both of you may not have your needs met. It is silly to bale during these tough times but perhaps the foundation at the start wasn't firm enough. How old is he?

He is 37 and I am 36.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 13:59

@RaspberryHartleys

Beginning to think this isnt genuine ...
I can see why you would think that but as I said I was genuinely led to believe he would owe me money for leaving and when I typed the figures into the calculator it confirmed it. I've never done this before so I came here for advise. Reading what people are saying I feel very silly to be honest.
OP posts:
Trumpeditnow · 03/10/2020 13:59

@Techway I think you have missed the point and that’s why you don’t understand some people’s attitude on this thread.

From what OP has said her husband sounds like a decent man and he is more than willing to do his share. 50/50 why exactly should OPs husband be paying £340?? Because the children will live between 2 houses... Blush

BaronessEllaSaturday · 03/10/2020 14:07

I can see why you would think that but as I said I was genuinely led to believe he would owe me money for leaving and when I typed the figures into the calculator it confirmed it. I've never done this before so I came here for advise. Reading what people are saying I feel very silly to be honest.

Look at the caluculator again, does it ask if you are the mother or the father? does it ask who left who? So why would you assume that it's compensation for mothers who have been left?

TazMac · 03/10/2020 14:10

@lifeisntperfect

Did he sign a living together agreement, relinquishing any claim on the house? You could be the one paying him.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 14:13

[quote TazMac]@lifeisntperfect

Did he sign a living together agreement, relinquishing any claim on the house? You could be the one paying him.[/quote]
No we don't have any agreement in place.

OP posts:
RaspberryHartleys · 03/10/2020 14:16

You say you feel silly about what you previously and yet you're still arguing that you should get more because he's leaving you or because you're a woman?

Sound like he's had a lucky escape to be honest if this is genuine.

TazMac · 03/10/2020 14:24

No we don't have any agreement in place.

In that case, you could be handing over some of your equity to him, if he decides claim against you.

Nicknamegoeshere · 03/10/2020 14:34

It's irrelevant who did what in the relationship! My ex-husband abused me very badly for years (still is years on) and 50/50 (no maintenance payable) still awarded (2014).

Laaalaaaa · 03/10/2020 15:07

You say he’s a proud man and wouldn’t contemplate claiming on your house. You’re clearly not a proud woman if you think you can claim from him are you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2020 15:12

He’s leaving not, not the kids. And he’s having them an equal amount of time so you’re no more a single mother than he is a single father. Stop pretending you’re some sort of hard done by victim because you have a vagina. The children are your equal responsibility, if you have them 50/50 you’re each responsible for half the costs.

Given your attitude I’m not surprised your relationship has floundered. He’s a man you chose to have kids with not a cash machine.

TazMac · 03/10/2020 15:15

@lifeisntperfect

I think he can make a claim on your house for up to 7 years after leaving.

So play nice.

Maybe he has friends like yours who are currently advising him to make a claim against your house, after he’s moved out.