Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Child Maintenance

205 replies

lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 08:35

Hi there,

I am looking for a bit of advice really. I am bout to split with my boyfriend. We live together and have 2 kids, both under the age of 5.

We both work full time and we are on exactly the same salary per year (coincidence). I own the house we live in and he pays me "rent" each month. He moved in when we first got together.

We have always done everything 50/50 when it comes to the kids. We split nursery cost down the middle and buy them clothes and food etc. I pay my share and he pays his share. No problem there. This will not be a problem going forward.

My question is, if/when we split up. He will have the kids 50% of the time and I will have them 50% of the time. They will have clothes at his house and they’ll have clothes at mine. He’ll feed them when they’re with him and I’ll do the same when they’re with me. Literally 50/50.

However the government website sets that he still needs to pay me £340 per month. Why? Does anyone know? I mean don’t get me wrong I will take the cash but deep down I don’t understand why?

I will have a mortgage to pay but so will he. Gas, electric, council tax etc... and so will he. Gosh it sounds like I’m defending him but I’m not. I just need to understand why he has to pay me and I don’t have to pay him even though we’re doing everything 50/50. I am no push over and I can make sure it’s 50/50.

I will take the money if the system says so but it seems unfair?

Can someone explain to me why he still need to pay me. There was no information on the government website.

Thanks in advance 🙏🏽

OP posts:
Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 03/10/2020 15:20

You're in a job which pays you £46k a year?

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 15:26

@Chocolatedeficitdisorder

You're in a job which pays you £46k a year?
Yes, we both are.
OP posts:
DolphinsAndNemesis · 03/10/2020 15:26

If he currently does half the childcare and plans to continue that, why would he need to stay with you in order for the younger child to “get to know him really well”? Presumably the child already knows him well.

And maintenance has nothing to do with supporting women.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 15:29

[quote TazMac]@lifeisntperfect

I think he can make a claim on your house for up to 7 years after leaving.

So play nice.

Maybe he has friends like yours who are currently advising him to make a claim against your house, after he’s moved out.[/quote]
Having read what everyone is saying in here I will take the deal on the table and leave it at that. As naive as it sounds I genuinely thought I could make a claim against him for leaving but the comments here overwhelmingly says otherwise. I came here fir advice and I've got it. It's been hard to read some of the comments but I will accept that I haven't been hard done by. I'm not a bad person, I genuinely thought, based on what I was told and what the calculator said, I was due money. I now accept that's no longer the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 15:37

@DolphinsAndNemesis

If he currently does half the childcare and plans to continue that, why would he need to stay with you in order for the younger child to “get to know him really well”? Presumably the child already knows him well.

And maintenance has nothing to do with supporting women.

I think he feels a bit guilty for wanting to leave so he's been pushing back the "leaving date" coz our youngest is a year and half. Yes the kids love him.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 15:38

@Chocolatedeficitdisorder

You're in a job which pays you £46k a year?
Yes, we both are. Why?
OP posts:
TazMac · 03/10/2020 15:41

I genuinely thought, based on what I was told and what the calculator said, I was due money. I now accept that's no longer the case.

You’ll have to hope that he comes to the same conclusion and doesn’t make a claim on your house.

Dillydallyingthrough · 03/10/2020 15:42

Tell your friend she is an idiot and you may not have known but knew it was immoral and still considered it.

He is leaving you, not his DC. He pays for them not you. Honestly, I cannot believe people have this kind of attitude. Keep it as shared costs with no maintenance and concentrate on your DC growing up with 2 supportive parents who dont resent each other.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 15:51

@Dillydallyingthrough

Tell your friend she is an idiot and you may not have known but knew it was immoral and still considered it.

He is leaving you, not his DC. He pays for them not you. Honestly, I cannot believe people have this kind of attitude. Keep it as shared costs with no maintenance and concentrate on your DC growing up with 2 supportive parents who dont resent each other.

I wasn't 100% sure so I came here to have my thinking challenged. People have been straight with me which I appreciate, even though some of the things said haven't been nice to hear but I accept them.
OP posts:
LilyWater · 03/10/2020 15:52

OP, hand on heart, is the reason why the both of you are "not getting along" have something to do with you/your traits/personality? Even if suggested by a "friend", it's just strange you would even entertain the thought of ripping off your co-parent and father of your children in such a manner and is unnecessarily adversarial...

The relationship (and your children growing up in an intact home) is very likely salveable if the right steps are made.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 15:58

@LilyWater

OP, hand on heart, is the reason why the both of you are "not getting along" have something to do with you/your traits/personality? Even if suggested by a "friend", it's just strange you would even entertain the thought of ripping off your co-parent and father of your children in such a manner and is unnecessarily adversarial...

The relationship (and your children growing up in an intact home) is very likely salveable if the right steps are made.

As I said I didn't really think it would be bad if all single women were claiming against their partners fir leaving? That's what I was led to believe and the calculator said I would be due money even if it's 50/50. I whilst I thought that wasn't fair morally, I admit I was prepared to claim simply because the system says I can and a lot of people do it and it's nothing to be ashamed of? It wasn't until I posted my thinking on here for advice that I realise how bad I sound.
OP posts:
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 03/10/2020 16:03

I was genuinely led to believe that if he's leaving me and the kids then he has to pay financially

But he isn’t leaving the kids, he’s leaving you.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:06

@WiseUpJanetWeiss

I was genuinely led to believe that if he's leaving me and the kids then he has to pay financially

But he isn’t leaving the kids, he’s leaving you.

Yes that's right. I feel really bad now coz I feel like people on here are judging me now. I won't push the issue with my boyfriend anymore after reading all the comments. Thanks to everyone to giving it to me straight. I was naive at first.
OP posts:
DustyLoafer · 03/10/2020 16:08

You just want to punish him for leaving you. Poor sod.

Laaalaaaa · 03/10/2020 16:09

What if it was the woman leaving through no fault of the man? Does she need to pay him for leaving the relationship?

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:12

@DustyLoafer

You just want to punish him for leaving you. Poor sod.
I honestly didn't see it as punishment or ripping him off. I just thought if the system is on my side then why not claim. But now, just to be clear I won't push the issue anymore coz I came here for advice and I got it. Coming here helped.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:17

@Dillydallyingthrough

Tell your friend she is an idiot and you may not have known but knew it was immoral and still considered it.

He is leaving you, not his DC. He pays for them not you. Honestly, I cannot believe people have this kind of attitude. Keep it as shared costs with no maintenance and concentrate on your DC growing up with 2 supportive parents who dont resent each other.

I won't push the issue now. Thank you for your candid response.
OP posts:
TazMac · 03/10/2020 16:18

i won't push the issue with my boyfriend anymore after reading all the comments. Thanks to everyone to giving it to me straight. I was naive at first.

Do you mean you won’t push for £340 a month that you’re unlikely to get, in case he pushes for some equity from your house, that he is likely to get?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/10/2020 16:21

You thought you would get compensation because your partner is leaving you? Confused

You earn the same, he will have the kids 50% of the time and pay equal share for things the need, so what you were looking for was money for you?

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:25

@TazMac

i won't push the issue with my boyfriend anymore after reading all the comments. Thanks to everyone to giving it to me straight. I was naive at first.

Do you mean you won’t push for £340 a month that you’re unlikely to get, in case he pushes for some equity from your house, that he is likely to get?

I didn't think about the fact that he could make a claim for the rent he's paid since 2016. Again I've dropped the issue now but this was what I was thinking before but not anymore.

I have listened.

OP posts:
TheEC · 03/10/2020 16:27

Op I’m sorry I find your lack of understanding here very surprising? You thought men had to pay because they end a relationship? He’s ending his relationship with you,not his children and if you do 50/50 he owes you nothing. I think you will very much regret going down this route - I highly doubt you will be eligible for maintenance and it might piss him off enough to try to claim equity on your house or raise a counter claim for the weeks he has the 4/7. Do you really need that stress regardless of whether or not the claims are successful? It will damage your relationship as co parents massively.

Original poster
lifeisntperfect · 03/10/2020 16:28

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

You thought you would get compensation because your partner is leaving you? Confused

You earn the same, he will have the kids 50% of the time and pay equal share for things the need, so what you were looking for was money for you?

I didn't see it that way at first. But now people are pointing out how bad that sounds I now know I am being unreasonable. My friend told me that and when the calculator confirmed it I thought why not. But again, I won't push the issue anymore. It was a blind spot and I accept why people have said.
OP posts:
WhereverIGoddamnLike · 03/10/2020 16:29

Hi @lifeisntperfect.
I've actually just created an account so I could respond to those because I'm so incensed at your attitude.

I'm a single mum. I do not claim, nor did I ever claim child maintenance because of the reasons you are putting out for all of us. You've said you think its because I'm a woman (so.. somehow weaker?), you've said iit's because he owes it for leaving me (so my emotions/hurt can be bought and paid for?), you've said it's because of going through pregnancy and childbirth (so my uterus is up for sale?).

None of those are reasons for child maintenance. None.

Child maintenance is not split into man or woman. It is split into resident parent and non-resident parent because sometimes children stay with their fathers and not their mothers.

The maintenance is to support the children. It's not for your emotions, your hurt, your sex or pregnancy pain.

In my case, I pay for everything. All clubs, childcare etc. They see their dad once a week because that's all he wants so he doesnt need to prove anything other than 1 meal a week. He doeant contribute towards on costs directly I pay it all. So I claim child maintenance from him because that is what the government have mandated as his fair share.

Some resident parents are in a situation more similar to yours. The non-resident parent sees the kids half the week or at least every weekend of something. So they take on a decent amount of the parenting. But the resident parent is still the one paying for everything: the clubs, the childcare, they send a bag of clothes over etc. The resident parent shoulders most of the cost, so child maintenance is paid to them in order to help with those costs.

That is what it is for. The CMS assume that, even with shared care, it is the resident parent who pays for most of the stuff.

You and your ex are planning a completely 50/50 life. You earn the same, you're going to split everything 50/50. Why do you think you need more?

If you both really will split the cost of the kids 50/50, then neither of you are worse off and neither of you are suffering the financial burden. It is fair. You both have even time with them and will both want to take them to fun things or holidays etc. If you start taking another £300 from him a month, that's his "fun budget" gone. He will he paying half of everything you pay, as well as providing a home for them (just like you) and then he cant afford to do anything fun with them because you've decide you're owed money because you're a poor little woman who is upset she has been left. It's just not fair.

CMS assume that you are paying for everything so they mandate he pay you. You could claim it. But you know it's wrong because you actually arent paying for everything. In your situation, use your common sense and morality instead of grabbing for whatever you can get.

Viviennemary · 03/10/2020 16:33

If he has been paying the mortgage or part of it he could well be entitled to a share in the equity of the house.

combatbarbie · 03/10/2020 16:35

OP, I'm a bit shocked you think CMS is some sort of compensation for him leaving? And I think the previous poster asking if you earn £46k was inferring that someone who earns that would probably be intelligent to know what CMS is and what it aims to provide for the children.

To put it another way, as it stands at the moment, if he was not giving 50% of child related costs.... Ie childcare, clothes etc would this come to more than £340? This is on assumption the little one at least is in full time nursery. Think about it. Most single parents foot the bill for childcare and the CMS is used to offset that cost.

If yous can keep things amicable I would genuinely just split the childcare bill 50/50 and this includes any school related costs, trips, lunches etc. Clothes, toys etc need provided by each household should be bought by each house. Kids that are in school should have uniform at both houses. This will save a lot of hassle later down the road.