Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

@CurlyhairedAssassin

You have to consider to consider the fact that she's missed out on her youth by being a mother so very young.. The only women II know who were mums at that kind of age came from pretty shaky family backgrounds themselves, and seemed to be looking for someone to love and love them back (a baby). Fast forward a few years when the baby has grown into a less dependent teen, and the young woman is still a young woman in their mid 30s, then there is a realisation that they are still young and attractive, they missed out on their youth and suddenly find themselves wanting to go out and have a very full on flirty social life, with work colleagues in their 30s and 20s. You'd be stuck at home in your with the teens in your mid 50s while your attractive and energetic partner went out on the town. How would you feel about that?

The maths don’t work there. OP’s kids will be in their 20s when he hits 50, the prospective girlfriend’s child will be 12. The assumptions about young mums are as bad as the maths.

If you were 59 and she was 40, it is too big an age gap.

There was a big age gap between my brother and Sister in law. He is 15 yrs older. He reached 50, and she didnt want that future, and she left.

@workhomesleeprepeat

Not going to lie Op it’s a big gap. There’s a lot of people on this thread with positive stories, but in my experience it’s the negative story that’s more common.

Sorry if I’ve missed this in your thread but have you spent much time together outside work? I think the fact that you mention that maybe she is more mature than you is a little concerning. I thought I was very mature at 21, had a much older partner, child - but now that I’m 33 - I can see that I wasn’t. I think I just knew how to appear mature and confident if you see what I mean?

It’s up to you to decide ultimately, but in the long run I think it’s always a bit easier to be with someone nearer your age (as in same decade). But this is just my experience. I can’t speak for everyone.

Hi everyone, First thank you all for posting with your input, personal story's iv found this thread very helpful. I'm been asleep all day as I was working last night. I'm working again tonight so I'll catch up with the posts iv missed later.

To answer the about. I was sort of joking when I said that she maybe more mature in some ways than me. It was a poor joke and not put across well. So dont read to much into it.

We have spent sometime out of work together meeting up for coffee, lunch. As shes working days and I work nights, then we each have our own child/children to look after we have to plan around stuff.
I will point out that if you read what I wrote I did say that we hadn't even kissed, I also have said that I had backed off . So those who think I'm a predator of a vulnerable young person are quite wrong . If I was that then I would have just snagged her a few times and moved on.
I have always tried to put her and the kids best interests above my own. That has been mentally draining at points.

I have always and will continue to always do what I think it best for all involved.

Again thank you to everyone who has posted. I had though about a lot of the points that have been made . But some have been raised that I hadn't given much thought to. That's on boths sides .

Thanks you all.

When she's mid 30s his kids will be grown up, she'll be the one with a teenager.

You really think that she wouldn't view him as the convenient responsible adult at home with her teenager she's off out till 1am?

But the fact you're considering is creepy.

Doesn't matter how you put it, it just is.

Might as well try it if you are both single. Nothing to lose and good luck to you.

Somehow you seem even creepier with every update you give. Like you’re trying so hard to make everyone believe your such a good, responsible loving guy.
The fact of the matter is, you’re approaching middle age and wanting to date someone who has only recently become an adult.
Give yerself a shake.

This is almost the exact same age gap between me and my DH, and we met at around the same age (me 21, him 39). Only real difference is I didn’t have a child. We’ve been together almost 30 years now. There was no weird or unequal power dynamic - in many ways I was more worldly than he was - and it was never creepy, whatever other people might like to think. And I have a great relationship with my stepdaughter.

Don’t overthink it OP. You’re both adults, you like each other. Just see how it goes, and enjoy it while it lasts.

@BigFart

Somehow you seem even creepier with every update you give. Like you’re trying so hard to make everyone believe your such a good, responsible loving guy. The fact of the matter is, you’re approaching middle age and wanting to date someone who has only recently become an adult. Give yerself a shake.

This is what I was thinking. Like he wants a medal or something for not shagging her and what a great guy that makes him

It is just wierd, though, to think that there is the same age gap beween the young woman and her child as there is between her and OP.

@BigFart

Somehow you seem even creepier with every update you give. Like you’re trying so hard to make everyone believe your such a good, responsible loving guy. The fact of the matter is, you’re approaching middle age and wanting to date someone who has only recently become an adult. Give yerself a shake.

Fine then I wont bother again .

@Homer101 you can do whatever you want in regards to dating this woman but you asked for opinions 🤷‍♀️

How would you feel if one of your daughter were dating a 40 year old in 9 years time?

It may work OP. Focus on how you actually feel rather than how you perceive others will judge you. If you feel deep down she is too immature then you have your answer but don’t put barriers up for appearances sake. You are both single. People are individuals with massively varying levels of maturity / emotional intelligence. Take it slow and be mindful of how you approach the issue with your daughters as their opinions are the only other ones to really focus on.

Ok, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the age gap personally, but ultimately it’s clear this doesn’t feel right to you. I know you’re pinning it on age but, if it felt right that wouldn’t matter to you.

Stop perusing it, trust your instincts.

In your title you put you're an idiot.
And it seems you want responses saying what a great guy you are and the age gap doesn't matter and of course you're not an idiot.

@SleepingStandingUp do you mean 17 years or 7?

Because a 7 year age gap and a 19 year age gap is really no the same thing at all.

@Onadifferentuniverse: I know you’re pinning it on age but, if it felt right that wouldn’t matter to you.

This is not the same situation, I know, so please no-one state the obvious dis-similarity, but plenty of paedophiles claim that it feels right and don't see a problem with age difference.

@Homer101 OP I did see that you said you had backed off, but tbh I was surprised you could have “in love” feelings if you hadn’t had a relationship but maybe I’m confusing the quantity/quality of time together. I would say this if you were a man or woman by the way.

Also I did not infer at any point that you were some kind of predator so do differentiate please. Just cause someone questions the age gap does not mean they are calling you a predator

Really? That’s interesting, and disgusting @CurlyhairedAssassin I never knew that.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

When she's mid 30s his kids will be grown up, she'll be the one with a teenager.

You really think that she wouldn't view him as the convenient responsible adult at home with her teenager she's off out till 1am?

So she's just a heartless cow future planning her childcare? It might be anathema to you, but some 20 year olds do actually get on with "proper" adults, some 40 to men are attractive, not every guy with an ex and kids is a dick who screwed her over and hates women.

[quote workhomesleeprepeat]@Homer101 OP I did see that you said you had backed off, but tbh I was surprised you could have “in love” feelings if you hadn’t had a relationship but maybe I’m confusing the quantity/quality of time together. I would say this if you were a man or woman by the way.

Also I did not infer at any point that you were some kind of predator so do differentiate please. Just cause someone questions the age gap does not mean they are calling you a predator [/quote]
I never said I have in love feelings for her.

Plenty of people have on here do think it's all me and I'm praying on her.
Like therse no such thing as a 21 year old who prays on older men to get a lifestyle that they can provide
Take about any democratic of people and stereotypes are wrong unless is heterosexual men then it's fine. Women moan about there being no decent men around.
They then have this conversation
Friend 1, he seems a nice guy .
Friend 2, that's a big RED flag! He's playing mind games with you.

I do think she is vulnerable at the moment. I agree there. But people came up with that themselves. Not because of anything I wrote. They projected that into Her. She is vulnerable at the moment.

Shes waiting for the court case because of what her EX did to her. Her child only sees its dad on hour a month in a contact centre. He's looking at time in prison so that's not going to continue.

Its stuff like that makes me uncomfortable with how things have developed.

Tbh. I'm shocked that shes willing to meet any male on her own for coffee no matter what their age. So yes I think at the moment and until after the court case she is feeling vulnerable. So nothing will happen , if it ever dose until all of that's settled down.
But as someone on her said. " young women who get pregnant all seem to come from sket familys "
Therse a lot of projection going in this thread. Based on nothing I have said.

You won’t answer the question of how you would feel about your daughter dating a 40 year old in a few years time.

Very telling.

It sounds like she has a lot on her plate and it probably isn't the best time for her to be getting involved in another relationship. Why would you be bothered with the drama? You have 2 girls of your own who are going to need a lot of emotional support as they navigate their teen years. Surely you want a partner who is mature and sensible enough to share that.

So although the age gap is a bit of a stumbling block, of be more concerned about the responsibility you both have to your kids. Not saying you shouldn't have any sort of relationship at all, but I don't see how this relationship would have anything other than a negative impact on your children.

You're shocked she's willing to meet any guy for coffee while she's got what she's got going on YET you are meeting up with her