Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

470 replies

Homer101 · 01/10/2020 16:51

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2020 09:38

Thing is op if your gut is telling you that this isn't the right time, you don't need us to agree or disagree. You don't even need her to agree. You just put a busy firmly in place and stick to it.
Your making it sounds like if a relationship happens or even just sex then really it's all on her because she's pursuing you so what can I do??

Just tell her you're not looking for a relationship right now and you're only looking to be friends. If she mentions anything that crosses that boundary, close it down.

Janevaljane · 03/10/2020 09:44

I'd be sad if dd ended up with someone 19 years older.

I'm a very similar age to dh and its lovely supporting and celebrating life at roughly the same time! We celebrated our 40ths and 50ths within a couple of years of each other and have so many good memories of being in our 20s and travelling together. I'd love my dd to have that

workhomesleeprepeat · 03/10/2020 09:47

@Homer101 maybe I just find your writing style hard to follow then OP, because I’m my book ‘falling for someone’ means falling in love with them? But again, maybe a miscommunication.

Why are you surprised she meets you for coffee? That’s weird. Also no need to go on a tirade to me about projection...aim this at posters actually doing it! Christ I was just trying to be helpful, you were the one that asked about the age gap, I gave my honest opinion from my experience. Am of the mind now that you just want to be told what you want to hear, so good luck to you.

Trumpeditnow · 03/10/2020 09:50

@MsTSwift

Agree with everything Pictish says. Also I would feel guilty as the older party. Doesn’t seem to bother men so much though....
No it doesn’t seem to bother the men so much because usually they are getting the younger woman. I doubt many young men at 21 would settle with a woman 19 years older than them.
Original poster
Homer101 · 03/10/2020 10:03

I'll tell my brother and his boyfriend that while I have never allowed the girls to think therse anything wrong about same sex couples they infact think its disgusting and that all gay men are sexually deviant.

My girls wanted to go to the local city pride event this year. The day time stuff is billed as suitable for families. (Some of the night time stuff is adults only) they had seen my brothers photos from last years. They wanted their uncles to take them. I said no as I didn't think they were really old enough. (Dispite the daytime being suitable for families) Iv been myself and they were unlikely to see anything that was too bad that we wouldn't have been able to have a conversation about if needed. I was of course the bad guy in their eyes as I'd stopped them going. They wanted to go to for their uncles it turned out more so than go because they wanted to experience an event. Still I said no but have said they can go once they have turned 13, (I was trying to find some sort way of being less of a bad guy oh and homophobic but they were trying to manipulate me with that last comment) we can never know what the options and beliefs our children will hold as they get older. But we should try to encourage an open understanding of how different people are.
So as you dont know my kids. You dont know their life experiences you can never guess what they think about me, my ex, or any future partner we each may have.
My girls are not angels, they can be dam right nasty to each other. But we have always tried to teach them that everyone's different. But everyone dose deserve respect and understanding. If you have tried to teach your kids that. Then that's not my fault. But dont guess what mine will do , say or think because even I have no way knowing what that they be. I can only ever try.

OP posts:
Original poster
Homer101 · 03/10/2020 10:11

[quote workhomesleeprepeat]@Homer101 maybe I just find your writing style hard to follow then OP, because I’m my book ‘falling for someone’ means falling in love with them? But again, maybe a miscommunication.

Why are you surprised she meets you for coffee? That’s weird. Also no need to go on a tirade to me about projection...aim this at posters actually doing it! Christ I was just trying to be helpful, you were the one that asked about the age gap, I gave my honest opinion from my experience. Am of the mind now that you just want to be told what you want to hear, so good luck to you.[/quote]
Sorry I didn't mean it as a tirade against you. You haven't projected anything. You also haven't tried to guess anything eaither. I really didn't mean for that to read as being aimed at you.

The love feelings thing. I think I wrote falling for someone, not fallen for someone. In my head theres a difference. Maybe not in everyone's. As I say I think I wrote falling , if I did wrote fallen then that wasn't exactly what I meant and my mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Homer101 · 03/10/2020 10:17

Sorry missed something.
I'm surprised that she wants to meet any male apart from her dad and brother because of what her ex did. I didn't know half of it probably. We had been talking for somtime and we had been for coffee together a few times before she told me the small part but most important part of what had happend.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2020 11:07

@VivaMiltonKeynes

What is a "sket family" ?
I think it implies rough family, poor, probably educationally disadvantaged, reliant on benefits, possibly several children by different parents but in the Middle Class blended family way, Mom had baby young so the children all have poor morals etc.
SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2020 11:07

I've missed something, how did we get onto Honeywell men being sexual deviants and you not letting them go to pride because you didn't want them to to?

Aerial2020 · 03/10/2020 11:10

I'm lost Confused

Onalake · 03/10/2020 11:11

Got to page 8 and skipped to the end, so sorry if I have missed anything.

I have an ex colleague who's wife is 22 years his junior. They have an 8 year old child. She chased him, both were single, but he has lost contact with his children from his first marriage. They couldn't accept having a step mother the same age as them. She is now in her 30's and is enjoying going out (pre covid!) with friends, basically having her 20's a decade on. He is left with their child, who he adores, but feels put on and is getting resentful. His health isn't too good as he ages either. I can't see them lasting much longer, sadly.

Fourfurrymonsters · 03/10/2020 11:14

I’m going to bet that this 21-year old with a toddler, who only works part-time, is looking for the financial stability that likely only an older guy can give her.

Aerial2020 · 03/10/2020 11:33

@Fourfurrymonsters

I’m going to bet that this 21-year old with a toddler, who only works part-time, is looking for the financial stability that likely only an older guy can give her.
He doesn't sound very stable
Aerial2020 · 03/10/2020 11:34

Only works part time?

Ffs.

Littleideasbigbook · 03/10/2020 11:45

I am in a relationship with someone who met his ex when he was 17 amd she was 19 years older. Sge gad a son of 16. The fall out on the younger person is quite big. DP was pretty much moulded (I say groomed) by this much older adult and from what I can assess pretty much had DP and her son dancing to her tune (she doled out chores for thrm, took financial control, made massive decisions to move thrm round the countty etc). She had a lot if power, conscioys and unconscious, and it has damaged my DP. Be careful with this girl OP.

Littleideasbigbook · 03/10/2020 11:47

My DD has changed my keyboard on my phone. My post is a disgrace typo wise. Sorry, hope you got the gist though.

TheoneandObi · 03/10/2020 11:51

I can't pass comment on whether you're an idiot. But I have a 22 year old daughter and if she brought home a 'boy'friend 19 years her senior I'd be worried, and be wondering exactly what the dynamics of the relationship were. That's just me. You must do what your gut, head, or other parts of your anatomy suggest.

ScarMatty · 03/10/2020 11:54

@BigFart

Hmm leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs!

Bloody men 🙄

Ahhh yes, always the mans fault Hmm
BigFart · 03/10/2020 12:16

@ScarMatty not always, no. But when the man is nearly two decades older I’d expect him to be a bit wiser than a 21 year old.

TiggerDatter · 03/10/2020 13:48

Well if it’s good enough for Melania Trump...

Seriously OP, in my quite wide experience men start getting ED at least sporadically from about 53 onwards. Five more years of a good sex life for you, then - well, it’s not fun!

CatpissEverdine · 03/10/2020 14:14

I don't think it's grim. People feel they need to stick to conventional relationships that are societally normal and acceptable. It's not easy to go down the unconventional route. My partner is 13 years younger than me. closer in age to my older kids. My teens have given her a rough time. I am closer in age to her mum than to her. When I look at these aspects it sounds all sorts of wrong, but we love each other and in terms of mental maturity are roughly the same. I do wish I was 10 years younger though, just because I am worried about getting old and being a burden

YouJustDoYou · 03/10/2020 15:25

She's effectively just a young woman,/child you've lusted after. She's very replaceable with any other 20 odd year old.shell be nothing to you in 20 years.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2020 16:13

@YouJustDoYou

She's effectively just a young woman,/child you've lusted after. She's very replaceable with any other 20 odd year old.shell be nothing to you in 20 years.
She is definitely not a child. Can we please stop suggesting that op is a deviant for liking a grown woman.
SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2020 16:15

Also it's incredibly rude to suggest that 21 year old women are a homogenous mass who's only value likes between their legs

bcccc · 03/10/2020 16:15

If 21 is a child then when do you become an adult?