Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

470 replies

Homer101 · 01/10/2020 16:51

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

OP posts:
Original poster
Homer101 · 02/10/2020 22:50

@BigFart

You won’t answer the question of how you would feel about your daughter dating a 40 year old in a few years time.

Very telling.

I will answer. Would I be happy ?probley not . Would I I Interfere? No as long as they were happy. I have seem the damage that can be done when parents interfere with their adult children's lives. I would offer advice, support. If asked. I would .ake sure they knew I wasways the if needed. But along as they were happy then I'd accept their choice.
OP posts:
Original poster
Homer101 · 02/10/2020 22:50

@Aerial2020

You're shocked she's willing to meet any guy for coffee while she's got what she's got going on YET you are meeting up with her Hmm
Yes but only when asked by her. I dont text her and say let's meet up
OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 02/10/2020 23:25

So that's a yes

Aerial2020 · 02/10/2020 23:29

By the sounds of it, she needs a good and supportive girlfriend right now.
Not another man.
Especially not one who is interested in her and asking if he could be having a relationship with her. You are wanting more than friendship and she's not in the right place.
With all that's going on, the last thing she needs is a man and his needs.

Original poster
Homer101 · 03/10/2020 01:03

@Aerial2020

By the sounds of it, she needs a good and supportive girlfriend right now. Not another man. Especially not one who is interested in her and asking if he could be having a relationship with her. You are wanting more than friendship and she's not in the right place. With all that's going on, the last thing she needs is a man and his needs.
And that's exactly what I have told her. I dont think you read the bit where I told her it wasn't a very good idea. The bit where I said I'd backed off.
OP posts:
UnprodigalDaughter · 03/10/2020 01:19

I had a boyfriend who was 18 years older than me in my early twenties. We were together for about five years but drifted apart eventually. I don’t regret it.I loved him. I wasn’t sleazed on my an older predator, he was my friend and it evolved.

UglyGlassVase · 03/10/2020 03:45

Gross, notice how the majority, if not all, of the people lauding their own age gap relationships are older men and younger women?

Odd coincidence.

If a 21 year old bloke came on to me I would be sick in my mouth.

LolaSparkle · 03/10/2020 04:43

My dad met my stepmum when he was early 40's, she was 21 with a 2 year old and I was 12 .... so pretty much your exact scenario.

If it helps, they've now been married 20 years, I have a fantastic relationship with my step mum and I gained a little brother in the process.

Some of the comments on here are rude, judgy and not necessary. Age is just a number. Do what makes you happy, life's way to short to care about what other people think 🤔

pictish · 03/10/2020 07:45

Age is not 'just a number'.
It's a mind set, a life stage, an indicator of experience and knowledge and a biological process too. It matters a lot.

pictish · 03/10/2020 07:53

I don’t find younger men attractive at all. They are children to me, like my own sons. If a 21 yr old came on to me I’d pity him because there’s clearly something wrong or missing with him to be looking to an older woman like me. I don’t want to be my lover’s mummy thanks.

speakout · 03/10/2020 08:08

pictish I feel the same. My 22 year old son has some friends who are good looking, lovely people- I can imagine if I was around the same age I may be attracted to them, but I'm not, because they feel like kids to me.
It feels "icky" and wrong if I try to think about them in the context of a potential lover.
Same with my DDs friends- 20 year old young women- I can appreciate their beauty, their attractiveness, from an objective view.

mrsb00 · 03/10/2020 08:11

Christ some of the comments on here, I didn’t realise 90% of mumsnet was made up of nuns. OP I don’t think there’s a problem here to be honest. You’re not exactly an OAP and she’s 21, not 15. If she’s adult enough to be a mother then chances are she’s adult enough to have a mature relationship. Give it a go, what’s the worst that can happen? Best of luck x

Obviouslynotallthere · 03/10/2020 08:13

My dad is 19 years 11months older than his wife. They have been together since I was 15 - over 30 odd years. They are very happy together- more than my parents who were only together for 14 years - married in haste. Take your time and enjoy each other's company while getting to know one another. There's nothing more to say really.

pictish · 03/10/2020 08:18

Oh yes...I can view them objectively as attractive, worthy people...but not as potential sexual or romantic partners. The power imbalance is established and lends a dynamic that I find sexually repellent. An equal footing is paramount in relationships for me and a 21 yr old simply couldn’t match me in those terms.

Aerial2020 · 03/10/2020 08:32

@mrsb00

Christ some of the comments on here, I didn’t realise 90% of mumsnet was made up of nuns. OP I don’t think there’s a problem here to be honest. You’re not exactly an OAP and she’s 21, not 15. If she’s adult enough to be a mother then chances are she’s adult enough to have a mature relationship. Give it a go, what’s the worst that can happen? Best of luck x
I think the replies like this are missing the back story of her ex?? It's a whole lot more than her age. Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she is up for any men whatever they age?? She's clearly struggling and needs some support right now by the sounds of it, not some guys cock. But hey, the op has says he's 'backed off' Hmm
Aerial2020 · 03/10/2020 08:34

@pictish

Oh yes...I can view them objectively as attractive, worthy people...but not as potential sexual or romantic partners. The power imbalance is established and lends a dynamic that I find sexually repellent. An equal footing is paramount in relationships for me and a 21 yr old simply couldn’t match me in those terms.
This
IcedPurple · 03/10/2020 08:34

Age is just a number.

So why isn't there an equal number of women here defending their relationships with men half their age? Or is 'age just a number' when it's the man who's older?

Pradz · 03/10/2020 08:38

I fell for a man who (lied to me and told me he was 32 before I found out he was 40) and I was 23 at the time. I know some people say age doesn't matter but in a way it does. The relationship was somewhat passionate for a bit but your life experiences with her and hers are going to be very different. She's 21 with a small child and you have 2 12 year olds..

My opinion cut it loose she's still mentally maturing and from my own experiences probably isn't ready for what you may be ready for.

Wishing you luck.

pictish · 03/10/2020 08:40

I’ll even go so far as to opine that most mature adults who are in relationships with young people (and let’s face it, it’s mostly men) like the dynamic of inequality as it makes them feel powerful, needed, wise, attractive or successful.
Whereas this has a bolstering effect on their egos, it would have the opposite effect on mine. I’d feel inadequate and self-serving to have some young thing as my boyfriend...and like I was keeping him from the relationships with women his own age that I know he would be having if he wasn’t needful or lacking in some way. I’m not interested in fulfilling an older woman fetish or playing mum.

Don’t see it any different with older men and younger women in a moral sense.

Happyspud · 03/10/2020 09:02

Of course you've fallen for her. But this is a personal decision for you both to make knowing the implications. Personally if I was you I'd gate being such a cliche. And she's definitely too young for you. But people EVERY DAY ignore what is right for them for other reasons. When I was 21 I would have been thrilled to be with an older man if 40, it was a total fantasy of mine. But thank God it didn't happen is all I can say with hindsight.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 03/10/2020 09:08

@Homer101

My daughters have never ever been allowed to get away with any disrespectful behaviour towards people older , younger or their own age. They are both very kind towards others and always involve anyone sat on their own at school or clubs.

How they somtimes treat each other is a very different matter. But yes I can see how in another 5 years time they may well think it's a bit gross .

You are naive if you think like this . What you "allow" and what they think are two different things entirely and it certainly wouldn't take 5 years .
MsTSwift · 03/10/2020 09:14

Agree with everything Pictish says. Also I would feel guilty as the older party. Doesn’t seem to bother men so much though....

VivaMiltonKeynes · 03/10/2020 09:15

What is a "sket family" ?

Opaljewel · 03/10/2020 09:32

Just to put another perspective on this. I am in an age gap relationship of 21 years. We have been together 14 years from me being the age of 20. Sometimes it can work.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/10/2020 09:33

Interesting hearing about the younger parties who end up leaving their elderly partners for men their age. It's a lot to think about.

Swipe left for the next trending thread