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Original poster

Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

470 replies

Homer101 · 01/10/2020 16:51

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 03/10/2020 16:23

She is definitely not a child

I said young woman/child because I see a male.of that age the same way, as a boy. I'm almost 40, and a male of just that age is like a boy to me. I cannot understand the attraction to what is effectively a child to me.

TiggerDatter · 03/10/2020 16:24

OP sorry, wrong thread, I honestly meant no offence but I thought I was talking here to the younger female in the equation Blush

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2020 16:33

@YouJustDoYou

She is definitely not a child

I said young woman/child because I see a male.of that age the same way, as a boy. I'm almost 40, and a male of just that age is like a boy to me. I cannot understand the attraction to what is effectively a child to me.

So what age exactly do people become adults?? Regardless of how little respect you have for ADULTS in their 20s, implying op fancies children is offensive and really minimises actual child abuse
Original poster
Homer101 · 03/10/2020 18:50

@TiggerDatter

OP sorry, wrong thread, I honestly meant no offence but I thought I was talking here to the younger female in the equation Blush
Its ok, I guess it will stop being a sexual predator.
OP posts:
zeeboo · 03/10/2020 18:55

I was 22 about to turn 23 when I met Dh. There are 17 years between us and I had a 2.5 year old son. We've now been together 23 years and added 3 more children to the mix. It can work abs does work all the time for other couples. Don't count yourself out of the chance of happiness because of an out dated judgement against age gaps. More importantly don't count HER out. If she wants to be with you it's very patronising for her to be told, as a mother and grown woman that you think she's too young for you.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 03/10/2020 21:17

leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs! Bloody men🙄

This exactly! Poor girl , she doesn't need your baggage.

Totickleamockingbird · 03/10/2020 21:42

@IcedPurple

Age is just a number.

So why isn't there an equal number of women here defending their relationships with men half their age? Or is 'age just a number' when it's the man who's older?

This ^.
SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2020 13:10

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs! Bloody men🙄

This exactly! Poor girl , she doesn't need your baggage.

Surely the WOMAN can make that decision for herself?
Aerial2020 · 04/10/2020 13:46

Not if she's vulnerable she can't.
The last thing she will need is an older man and all his stuff to deal with when she has her own going on, which is a lot by the sounds of it.
She needs a clear head.
The mature thing to do as the older man is to walk away. It would be selfish to continue.

YouJustDoYou · 04/10/2020 19:37

Regardless of how little respect you have for ADULTS in their 20s, implying op fancies children is offensive and really minimises actual child abuse

I was subjected to child abuse. So fuck you. I don't find it offensive what I said and how i view young men. I know what it's like for a man twice my age, when I'm effectively still just a child to some in their 40s, to try it on. If I could only talk to that younger version of me, I would tell her to run a fucking like away. I am severely limited and damaged by the a uses of a much older man taking advantage of the me that I was, zero life experience, utterly trusting and naive and gullible.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/10/2020 20:22

@TheoneandObi

I can't pass comment on whether you're an idiot. But I have a 22 year old daughter and if she brought home a 'boy'friend 19 years her senior I'd be worried, and be wondering exactly what the dynamics of the relationship were. That's just me. You must do what your gut, head, or other parts of your anatomy suggest.
My Mum felt the same but she didn't interfere and as time went one realised how happy we were (and still are) and got on very well with DH.
Original poster
Homer101 · 04/10/2020 21:07

Ok let's clear a couple of points up.
I have not been perusing her, she wasn't perusing me eaither. We becaome friends. We became close. Sothing nearly did happen. But I pulled back. I thought it would be best to have no contact with each other outside of work. She didn't agree and thought we should stay as we are and just enjoy each others company and get along as we had been. I backed off not because of her age but because of what shes had to deal with over the last two years and what she still has be deal with. Personally I was also worried about the large age gap. Not because I thought she was a clueless 21 year old. But because I'm a 40 year old who has already had cancer twice. I dont belive shes a immature 21 year old who can't make her own decisions. I belive shes had to grow up dam quick and deal with all sorts of stuff no body no matter their age should ever have to deal with. I know what it's like to have to grow up fast. I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 20 and spent he next three years having treatment and being in pain. I also had to grow up pretty quick .
I still suffer chronic pain now and I'm on long term treatment for that pain. But iv always been active and done demanding physical jobs. But I know myself I find some of that work harder than I did ten years ago. I'm not as quick and o need to take breaks when I'm rock climbing for example.

So I'm not deliberately targeting her just so I can shag her. I'm not trying to push myself on her.
I'm an idiot for letting it get to the point where feelings were starting to get involved.

But nothing did happen so anyone who's worried I'm a child abuser who groomed her can rest happy. Shes also 21 and not a child.

And for people who keep saying I should leave her alone , I have stated more than once that I had backed off !
I dont know what the years ahead will bring for me. But I do know that in the short term I will not be getting involved with anyone.

I think I may start treating women like objects and treating them like shit. Something I have never done. Because I'll just be treated the same no matter what I do.
Being decent after all is a huge red flag. That's what I have tried to be . With my Ex, my kids, my friends and family.
But ultimately I always seem to end up worse off.
And people wonder why they can't find decent partners and friends.

OP posts:
bcccc · 04/10/2020 21:09

I think I may start treating women like objects and treating them like shit. Something I have never done. Because I'll just be treated the same no matter what I do.

ok then

AnyFucker · 04/10/2020 21:14

And there it is

The petulance. The entitlement.

bcccc · 04/10/2020 21:16

You can't blame new people for past experiences OP. I only ever met shit men until I met my DP. If you push everyone away the only person you're hurting is yourself. Being shit to women isn't going to make you any happier is it.

S00LA · 04/10/2020 21:40

@AnyFucker

And there it is

The petulance. The entitlement.

Yup
Aerial2020 · 04/10/2020 21:51

@AnyFucker

And there it is

The petulance. The entitlement.

Yep.

Something not right with this thread

Aerial2020 · 04/10/2020 21:54

The trying to convince readers you are a nice guy is a huge fed flag in itself.

It was pretty obvious from the start.

Cos you're not. As you have just proved in your last update.

She should stay the hell away from you.

Original poster
Homer101 · 04/10/2020 22:18

@AnyFucker

And there it is

The petulance. The entitlement.

Yes the entitlement to be treated fair and not insulted .
OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 04/10/2020 22:22

People wonder why they can't find decent partners because of men like you.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 04/10/2020 22:33

Hahahaha superb meltdown OP. I came back to this thread at the perfect moment. "Stop calling me a creep for perving on a woman half my age or else I'll start treating all women like shit. That'll teach em to not treat me like the nice guy I think I am. Women need to show me more respect or it's their own fault if I turn into an asshole." Classic stuff.

Jesus OP, you sound like you're one Reddit rabbit hole away from going full "Stacey and Chad" on us.

Go on, make yourself a black coffee, spend half an hour on r/niceguys hearing how you sound, and then pull yourself together.

Aerial2020 · 04/10/2020 22:39

If she has a nasty ex then she will be like a moth to a flame to you with your traits Op.

No wonder she even gave you the time of day. Most women would smell your bullshit off a mile away, as most posters that have picked up on it have. And you don't like it.

BigFart · 04/10/2020 23:19

Yikes 😳

MrsNotNice · 05/10/2020 00:39

Homer101

OP, I know you didn’t mean what you said in your post about mistreating women.

You sound quite vulnerable yourself. And are being picked apart rather unfairly. Character assassinations and personal insults are what I dislike about seeking online advice and you are in a female dominant forum in an era where many of us have been subjected to many disappointments by men than we have our stranger danger alert 🚨 on. But Mumsnet is for the thick skinned m.

You might need to ask MNhQ to delete the message you wrote as it doesn’t help the thread to run objectively.

Look.. I think you are feeling vulnerable and asking for advice on Mumsnet night not be the best when you feel that way. I hope you have support in real life from females within your personal friendship or family circle who can advise you without treating you like a predator/stranger.

Thats my advice

newnameforthis123 · 05/10/2020 01:12

Women moan about there being no decent men around. They then have this conversation Friend 1, he seems a nice guy. Friend 2, that's a big RED flag! He's playing mind games with you.

I think I may start treating women like objects and treating them like shit. Something I have never done. Because I'll just be treated the same no matter what I do.

Wow. Your response is that if you’re going to get labelled you may as well try at women like objects / treat them like shit. That statement is very revealing. It basically means if you could ‘get away with it’ so to speak, you would? Really odd. You asked people’s thoughts. You didn’t like them and now you’ve lashed out in anger. Good job.