I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

What is going on with the bold function? I was careful!

then abstaining from sex isn’t only not manipulative, it’s utterly sensible

But the OP wouldn't be abstaining from sex as such - just penetrative (PiV) activities, until her DH is in a position that he won't be responsible for an unwanted conception.

That is not "abstaining" or being "manipulative"; it's being realistic & practical.

@NellyJames

It is indeed manipulative to threaten withholding sex, as a means of coercing your spouse into doing anything....be it a vasectomy or housework

@SandyY2K, it is not manipulative to withhold sex as a means to ensure you absolutely cannot conceive

There's a difference in saying you don't want to or won't have sex, because you don't want to get pregnant and you're unable to continue with hormonal contraception VS telling your husband you will not have sex unless he gets a vasectomy.

Also telling your spouse you won't have sex unless he does work around the house is ridiculous. If people think this is normal, then you have a strange idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship.

Quite frankly, a marriage where you have to trade off sex for anything is a sham.

My DH said that a vasectomy was the least he could do after I had taken hormonal contraception for years and had given birth twice.

It was by far the best thing for our sex life. Removing the risk of pregnancy and the hassle of contraception was very liberating.

If you swapped the genders round in this debate, mumsnet would be up in arms.

If a man was insisting his partner was sterilised...
Withholding sex until she did...

Totally agree with previous posters who say it’s abusing. It’s his body and his choice.

I had a vasectomy. Heavily pressured into it by my now ex-wife. The procedure was straightforward and after a couple of weeks of pain it was all fine. Still the odd episode of a dull ache but nothing too bad.

However I’m in a new relationship and the vasectomy is very much a sore point as we haven’t decided if we would like to have a child. If we do, I’ll need to have it reversed.

Basically I was forced into it by a coercively controlling woman and I now regret it hugely.

Again - it’s his body. He shouldn’t be pressured into it, just as he shouldn’t pressure you into getting a coil or any other type of invasive contraception. But if he would rather use condoms that should be fine.

@SandyY2K
There's a difference in saying you don't want to or won't have sex, because you don't want to get pregnant and you're unable to continue with hormonal contraception VS telling your husband you will not have sex unless he gets a vasectomy.
Given that OP had this discussion with her husband before they went to see the GP, exactly how are these two scenarios different really?
You are merely kidding yourself. If A=B and B=C, guess what else is A equal to?

If a man was insisting his partner was sterilised...Withholding sex until she did...
That is an awful argument. Vasectomy and sterilisation are hugely different procedures in terms of invasiveness and risks.
Problem is how do you have sex with a man who has completed his family, doesn’t want another baby, doesn’t want vasectomy and doesn’t want to do oral. Can you see a pattern emerging here? OP went through huge physical trauma in comparison and what is the outcome for her? Abstinence for the rest of her fertile life?
What the fuck are you supposed to do then?

Vasectomy and sterilisation are very different procedures, obviously, but they have the same end result.

It’s his fucking body and his choice.

@Alongwayfromeverything

Vasectomy and sterilisation are very different procedures, obviously, but they have the same end result.

It’s his fucking body and his choice.

If it is his body and his choice, why is he allowed to have a right to sex but OP is not allowed to have a right to abstain for fear of pregnancy and resultant abortion like he demands? Or is it all fine when a woman puts her very life on line to create a child but the husband doesn’t want to contribute in any way?

A friend of mine who used to work in the field told me they got a lot of older men coming in with new young partners, wanting to get their vasectomies reversed. Slightly cringe.

@Alongwayfromeverything, it’s not abusive. She doesn’t want to get pregnant again. Nor does she want to continue pumping her body full of hormones. Her husband is selfish in bed and complains that he doesn’t like conforms. He will not discuss the idea of a vasectomy. So what is a woman in her position suppose to do?

I can’t take hormonal contraception so if I was in her position and my husband was being funny about condoms then I would absolutely abstain rather than risk another pregnancy. It’s not abuse nor is it unreasonable for her to protect herself from pregnancy by any means. She doesn’t owe him sex. Of course, if he doesn’t like it, he’s free to either discuss with her all the options or leave.

Nobody has a right to sex. They need to decide on a method of contraception that works for both of them.

If he has a boundary that a permanent (reversal doesn’t always work) procedure isn’t acceptable to him, she needs to respect that.

If they can’t find a single method of contraception that works for both of them, that’s a problem. As is the lack of sexual compatibility (she wants oral, he won’t oblige). But that’s a separate issue from the vasectomy, which under no circumstance should anyone be pressured into.

In our case my husband had a vasectomy because we decided we’d had the number of children we both wanted. I don’t really get why men have reversals. Surely they’ve had a vasectomy because they’ve both agreed to stop at a certain number. If my DH has said, ‘actually I want the opportunity to have another 3 if things change with us’ then we’d have opted for something different I guess. But we decided how many children we wanted then after the youngest decided we were done. 🤷‍♀️

And it’s not just that she wants oral and he won’t oblige. It’s that he wants oral but won’t reciprocate. How is that in any way acceptable?

@NellyJames

And it’s not just that she wants oral and he won’t oblige. It’s that he wants oral but won’t reciprocate. How is that in any way acceptable?

It’s not acceptable (unless OP is happy to accept it, which she has said she isn’t) but it’s a completely separate issue from the vasectomy.

His body his choice. You can't force it on him.

Easy answer insist on bring sterilised no big deal

Dp had a vasectomy last year. I went in with him to watch - absolute doddle and he couldn't hand on heart rate his recovery pain as more than 1/10

He was treated like a king during the procedure and was given the doctor's mobile work number in case he had any queries (NHS op, on a Saturday)

Completely different to my c section whee after care and advice was non existent

www.varsity.co.uk/science/19604

Ah Whoops !!that was meant to go to someone as a PM! never mind an intersting read..

In almost exactly the same situation, 3 DCs but also had a stillbirth and an abortion. Tried most forms of contraception and had problems with all of them so currently using condoms.
DH very against vasectomy for same reason as yours, plus heard horror stories down the pub etc. No concept of how selfish that seems iin comparison to everything my body has been through.
Unfortunately, I enjoy sex and don't want to use it as a tool of manipulation. I've accepted he won't do it. He's squeamish and has had a bad experience of what should have been minor procedures so I can't hate him too much for it. But I'm still resentful!

@Totickleamockingbird
One of the two is manipulative, but if you can't see the difference, when it's staring right out you....there's nothing more to say.

I just wouldn't coerce, manipulate or pressurise anyone to make a permanent change to their body under any circumstances, when it isn't something they want to do.

I will not be forced to do a procedure I didn't want by my DH, so I wouldn't pressurise him to do something he didn't want to do.

@Alongwayfromeverything

Basically I was forced into it by a coercively controlling woman and I now regret it hugely.

Sounds like a number of women on this thread sadly.

Pressurising anybody to do this is not acceptable.

I'd sooner leave a marriage where my spouse tried to force me into this and tbh, them pressurising and coercing me would put me right of wanting to sleep with them anyway....so that solves the issue of an unwanted pregnancy.

I agree with your response above that the issue of oral sex, is a different issue to forcing/coercing him to have a vasectomy.

There was a similar thread on here a while ago, although I had my doubts it was authentic, but the OP who was a man, was just worn down and sounded controlled by his DW. He didn't want the vasectomy, but his DW insisted this was the only option, as she didn't trust condoms....so later came back with an update and he'd had it done.

Read the thread people, the ops dh can’t get it up when he wears a condom.
I don’t know what he expects the op to do.
He won’t give her oral sex yet expects her to perform it on him.
He won’t have a vasectomy.
It sounds as though the ops sex life with this man is dreadful.
I’d use vibrators and quite frankly I think your marriage is dying.
Don’t have unprotected sex with him.

And again I feel strongly that the NHS should never offer to reverse vasectomies for free.
I object to paying for that.

I object to the NHS paying for them in the first place. It's basically a cosmetic procedure people choose to have and not to resolve a medical issue. They should charge a fee for it and let anyone willing to pay have one whatever age. Same for coils and implants to be honest.