I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

@Doyoumindifislytherin so if you definitely don't want any more children what should you do? Just use some form of contraception and hope for the best?

No contraception is 100% effective and judging by the amount of "accidents" the effectiveness of most must be fairly low.

So no woman of child bearing age should have a sterlisation and no man should have a vasectomy just in case something happens?

Really it should be regarded as non reversible. When DH had his the NHS would not do it because they said so many men want it to be reversed and as DH was so young he may well change his mind! So we had to pay because someone can't make a decision and stick to it

@BubblyBarbara

I am more surprised it's not possible for men to get vasectomies aged 18 given how few of them really seem to want children.

they want to sire children, to prove their masculinity, virility, keep their women folk busy so they dont get idea's about living for themselves, all that kind of thing but they dont want to have their lives and options limited and constrained by children they want the benefits but the costs can be outsourced to the mother

I'm surprised so many get disuaded from having a vasectomy. Is it a sign of the times that so many men have multiple kids with multiple women I wonder. I agree with Heffa it should be made clear and surely it's obvious, it's non reversable. Having it reversed on the NHS should be an absolute no.

I’ve not read the thread, but I’ve had 2 friends who have gotten pregnant with a coil (both had finished having children).
Had a friend also whose husband who refused (after 6 children) so she had to get sterilised. They are now divorced and he’s fairly useless but still fertile!
It’s a small operation for men, he needs to get over it.

@Faultymain5

No one is ever "chickenshit" to not want an operation of ANY KIND!

It is his choice, and he should be allowed to say no to it.

@pointythings

differentnameforthis it is actually very difficult for women of childbearing age to get sterilised on the NHS. They get the 'but what if you change your mind?' argument thrown at them and get told to use coils. You have to really knock your head against that brick wall, even if you're 35+ and already have children.

I am well aware of that. I was 40+ and had 2 kids, got all sorts of excuses thrown at me.

I asked for it several times, was knocked back, given the pill again, which failed and I ended up with an unwanted pregnancy.

However, that doesn't mean that I should have forced my H into an op he didn't want.

@enjoyeverymoment

It isn't gaslighting to suggest that a woman could get her tubes tied.
She has a choice over it, as does her dh.

He doesn't actually "owe" her an operation, and she doesn't "owe" him one either.

[quote differentnameforthis]@Faultymain5

No one is ever "chickenshit" to not want an operation of ANY KIND!

It is his choice, and he should be allowed to say no to it.[/quote]
He's chickenshit to not even consider it.

Well if he can’t manage sex with condoms.... a vasectomy means no condoms needed and much nicer sex!..... let him figure that out and he might change his mind

I had the coil and it caused problems the entire time it was in.
I guess you cannot force him but women seem to go through so much with childbirth and some men stand back as if preventing unwanted pregnancy is not their problem ....... feels very selfish

@differentnameforthis it’s not an operation. What operation takes 15 mins down the local doctor and you can drive yourself home after it.

@Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove - it very much IS an operation and carries associated risks. It is beneath you to suggest that the time taken and anaesthetic make it trivial. You could say the same about the termination of a pregnancy- but please don’t!

@Dadaist from my local government website:

Vasectomy or 'male sterilisation' is a simple and reliable method of contraception. Sperm is prevented from reaching the semen ejaculated from a man's penis during sex. It is a quick and relatively painless surgical procedure. A vasectomy has no effect on sex drive or ability to enjoy sex. You will still have erections and ejaculate normally. A vasectomy may be appropriate when a man does not want more children, or has decided not to have any at all. It may be chosen as a simpler, safer and more reliable alternative to female sterilisation.

@Dadaist have you ever read the information leaflet for the pill? It has far more and more serious side effects and risks than those for a vasectomy. Yet men have no issue with women taking it for decades yet suggest they do something to take responsibility for contraception that is literally described as simple and it’s a shocking thing to ask.

My DH had a vasectomy, no hesitation. We both understood that I had taken far more risk and accepted the damage and complications from 4 pregnancies and births to make his risk if vasectomy complications anything even slightly comparable.

So your DH is willing to risk you getting pregnant and having 10 times the risk of him having a vasectomy. Prick.

It’s certainly a better option than female sterilisation- and like many other invasive procedures it goes well in most cases. But I’ve read on this thread the minimising and trivialising of risks which simply isn’t true. If you want to compare - then the risks associated with using a coil are minuscule by comparison and side effects also rare and reversible anyway. If you’re going to minimise clinical risks, then you’ll find that any medic would advise a coil over a vasectomy.

All forms of birth control are a choice, and the risks associated are absolutely relevant. There are issues of bodily autonomy that are paramount here you can’t insist on a vasectomy, or cajole or bully and mock someone into undergoing a procedure - any more than he can insist on a clit piercing! Would you mock a women for not wanting to to take the risks of such a ‘simple’ procedure?

New to MM so hopefully I'm getting it right., as pp have said it is an operation/proceadure at the end of the day its his body as everyone says on here its a women's body when it comes to other things so why can't the same apply to men!
Have you thought about sterilisation? How would you feel if he suggested that to you . Safest thing is contraception from both parties

Combining two forms of contraception is pretty effective- eg rhythm method and condom, condom and spermicide, cap/female condom and spermicide.
Hopefully a safe reliable reversible male contraceptive may be developed. Until then it’s about choices.
I know a lot of men who’ve had a vasectomy with absolutely no problems- described as ‘just a cat scratch’. But I’ve known one man who is now partially disabled and unable to work following complications stemming from a vasectomy.

I don't agree with coercing your DH/DP into having a vasectomy or any other medical procedure, unless it's for the good of their health.

Even then, if they are have full mental capacity, I wouldn't push the issue.

My view is that if I personally am 100% sure I do not want any more children, then I will take the necessary steps to ensure I don't...including sterilisation.

Pregnancy and, childbirth only affect a woman's body, being a parent to an infant....just being a mother impacts a woman's career, lifestyle and earnings way more than it does men, so in order to ensure I don't have any more children which will affect my life, I would get my tubes tied if I was unable to use any other form of contraception.

I was done after 2 kids, but I would never have even suggested DH has a V....most especially because he wanted more than the 2 anyway and if we split up....he could have more, as could I if I met someone.

This isn't something I believe that's taken in turns or taking one for the team. That sounds quite immature to me.

Thinking of the number of men who have always been the only earners in the family, while the wife is a SAHM and continues not to work long after the kids are in school and left home, imagine the comments if he said I've worked for the last 20/25 years (minus the time the kids started school), now it's your turn.

If the man wants to or is agreeable to have a vasectomy, that's fine...but pressurising, coercing or threatening withdrawal of intimacy as a means of persuasion isn't acceptable.

Sensible and right as ever @SandyY2K

So OP should accept the risks of intercourse, because her husband is paying for her?

pressurising, coercing or threatening withdrawal of intimacy as a means of persuasion isn't acceptable.

Hog wash. It's one of the best levers we've had for years to get things done and get men doing their fair share around the house. You are very naive if you think manipulation doesn't happen in a relationship and this just happens to be one of our best ways to do so that men actually understand

@Dadaist

Thank you.

So OP should accept the risks of intercourse, because her husband is paying for her?

I'm not sure if this is in response to my post, but if this is what you've interpreted from what I said, then I'd just be wasting my time trying to explain this is nowhere near what I said.

It’s perfectly acceptable to withdraw intimacy as a mean to ensure there is no further pregnancy. If the OP can no longer take hormonal contraception and she cannot afford to pay privately for her tubes tied (very difficult to get on the NHS now) and her husband complains about condoms then she absolutely is reasonable and indeed sensible to withhold intimacy.

@BubblyBarbara

You are very naive if you think manipulation doesn't happen in a relationship and this just happens to be one of our best ways to do so that men actually understand

I'm far from naive and any relationship that has manipulation as a part if it, is an unhealthy relationship.

If you have to withhold sex in order to get your husband or partner to do things around the house, then your relationship is not a good, healthy or equal relationship with mutual respect.

Perhaps your experience and example of healthy respectful relationships was not a part of your childhood...hence you see sex as a bargaining tool.