I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

If he won’t have a vasectomy and condoms don’t work, then you don’t want hormones in your body or coil with hormones - then sex will lead to another baby - so abstaining from sex would be an option until you can both discuss what or how to move forward

You cannot have mutual agreement where there is no equality.

Exactly

The studies cited aren't particularly large and as it was down to responsdents to choose to answer very much self selecting and of course those with problems are more likely to respond.

Wikipedia is NOT a reliable source for "research" anyone can edit it, plus even looking at the sources it cites you need to understand how to evaluate research eg

The size of the study
Who funded it and what was their likely agenda
How were the participants selected
What questions were asked if - as is likely with this research it's very much dependent on how participants communicate
What comparative measures you're using (in a study like this where pain is part of the criteria you need to have a way of allowing for different participants assessing their pain differently - agony for one might be mild for another

Etc

NOBODY is saying post vasectomy pain doesn't exist or can't be very problematic, what we're doing is querying the stats and their sources which is a perfectly sensible thing to do

The stats I cited earlier on pregnancy outcomes etc were from sources like the royal college of gynaecology and obstetricians and similar

I'm looking now and the studies I'm finding - cited in places like the BMJ - are showing SERIOUS post vasectomy pain lasting over 2 years as around 1-2% - as stated by other posters

Wiki might be the first result on a google but a little more effort (and scrolling down really IS a LITTLE bit more effort) is required to find decent, qualitative research

The point is that you don't seem to have the ability to distinguish what is good and bad research, so no matter how many articles you read, I don't trust (based on this example) your so called indepth research. this is exactly the issue

If you're going to claim that the risks of vasectomy outweigh the risks of all that women go through wrt reproductive medicine then you need to back it up - except you can't because the studies don't!

How much is it actually about ensuring that DH can't start a new family if the marriage breaks down?

Good grief!

As stated earlier this is very much an MRA argument and deeply misogynist

Melroses
Looking at the same Cochrane review paper.

From two or the reportedly good papers.
Sokal 2004 (fairly old)
"Of the 675 (89%) of 757 men classified as vasectomy successes or indeterminate attended the 12-month follow-up visit. At that visit, we asked the men if they had had any scrotal pain within the past three months. 652 (97%) reported no pain. In the fascial interposition group, nine (2.6%) of 346 reported pain (seven mild and two moderate); in the non-fascial interposition group, 14 (4.3%) of 326 (11 mild and three moderate). No men reported severe pain."
So, 3% with some pain, not severe.

3 serious complications in about 800 procedures. That's less than 0,4%
link.springer.com/article/10.1186/1741-7015-2-6

The Song 2006 paper is more difficult to analyse. They provide data for the previous 12 months, which gives some high figures for complications (11 vs 22 % depending on the procedure), But don't report complaints at the 12 month visit.
onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1365-2605.2006.00686.x

Off I go. I have a late peer review to submit.

Off I go. I have a late peer review to submit.

Let's hope I'm not reviewing it.

He doesn't sound like a keeper:(

As you don't to go on birth control, for your own very valid reasons, your husbands doesn't want a surgical procedure done, for his own very good reasons.

You can't really play the "I did the pregnancies now it's his turn" thing, because you wanted the children too, and men can't carry babies.

The solution is, that you could get your tubes tied.

I'd probably have more respect for him is he pretended to be intrigued instead of dismissing the topic straight away or by suggesting we have a conversation another day as it's late, he's tired ect

So you'd prefer him to lie, instead of be straight with you?

I would say to him that you are not prepared to risk getting pregnant. So the option is non PIV sex. Or he does something about it.

The more you write about him, the more I wince, especially regarding your sex life. He does not enjoy making an effort for you, does he?

• Stick with condoms. If he expresses dissatisfaction, it's up to him to find a better form of contraception.
• Buy yourself some sex toys. It does not sound like you get that much satisfaction from your partner.

FWIW, I opted for a copper coil and love it, as, like you, I did not cope well with hormonal treatment. DH is open to the idea of a vasectomy and we may do so, at a later date. I have no doubt that if I reacted badly to the coil, he would have stepped up.

@differentnameforthis

I'd probably have more respect for him is he pretended to be intrigued instead of dismissing the topic straight away or by suggesting we have a conversation another day as it's late, he's tired ect

So you'd prefer him to lie, instead of be straight with you?

She'd probably prefer that lie rather than the one gaslighting her about her third child.

How about the truth, I'm too chickensh*t and don't care what you've been through, cause this is about me.

You’ve hit the nail on the head @Faultymain5

How about the truth, I'm too chickensht and don't care what you've been through, cause this is about me*

Re the 'what if 3 kids aren't enough for him and he wants to impregnate his next wife too' argument, one of my BiLs had a vasectomy when he met sister. Had it reversed, had 2 more kids, had another vasectomy. No complications or lasting pain, and the reversal was over 20 years ago - the original vasectomy must have been 30-35 years ago. So while this is just anecdotal, I imagine the procedures - vasectomy and reversal - are both considerably more advanced, reliable and safer by now.

differentnameforthis it is actually very difficult for women of childbearing age to get sterilised on the NHS. They get the 'but what if you change your mind?' argument thrown at them and get told to use coils. You have to really knock your head against that brick wall, even if you're 35+ and already have children.

He either does it or no more sex. You've done your bit. Some men can be so precious about their own bodies but not yours. As for the trapped comment ...

My DH was a bit like that. Then we had an incident and I had to go and get the morning after pill. He booked straight in for a vasectomy and it was done within a fortnight.
Men can be selfish pigs. GP sounds really unhelpful.
Would put me off sex too.

What a crap doctor you saw. You have 3 children and are sure you want no more it’s the best thing to do. It’s the least a man can do after all the childbirth and pregnancy we have to go through ! I would be really hurt he wasn’t prepared to do this for me so I do t have to have more painful procedures or take pills full of hormones. Why should we be the ones doing everything all time it’s very selfish

I've asked my dh to have one but he won't. He has ketoid skin (I think that's what it's called) so when it heals it scars really badly, and is painful. He had a mole removed from his back, and even now approx 10 years on, its sore. So I understand why he would be reluctant but it doesn't stop it pissing me off a bit. I've had the kids, plus various other invasive and painful procedures, and feel this is a small thing to ask. But, as I said I understand why he won't.

It does depend on the type of coil you have. Some stop your periods completely. I have the Kyleena and it's the best thing since sliced bread!

HOWEVER

My husband also went and had a vasectomy. He was adamant he didn't want any more babies (so was I) so it was the sensible choice. More effective than female sterilisation too!

Personally there would be no more sex in our relationship if my husband was so dismissive of the situation!

the husband wants to keep his options open....

I am more surprised it's not possible for men to get vasectomies aged 18 given how few of them really seem to want children.

I'm outraged at the number of women on here who think it's a mans duty to have a vasectomy after the birth of their final child. This is a permanent procedure that yes, can sometimes be reversed but not always successful and also at great financial cost.

It's ok saying you don't want anymore children... no one knows what is round the corner.
What if a man was to loose his whole family in some sort of tragedy? What if god forbid you lost a child and decided further down the line to try for a rainbow baby? There are other options that are less invasive and less permanent. At the end of the day its his body and his choice , as are decisions about your body. You cant push someone to make that choice if they don't want to!

Sorry, I haven't RTFT but while I agree with his body/his choice, calling a vasectomy 'surgery' is laying it on a bit thick.

DH had one last year and it was a minor procedure completed at a GP surgery in about 15 minutes. Having the coil fitted (me not him!) was took longer and caused more pain.

You are so right @Doyoumindifislytherin even if the man decided he definitely doesn’t want more kids his wife should continue to pump her body full of hormones after several pregnancies and child births just in case he changes his mind away from what he has categorically said he wants. Oh and as with the op husband he can then pressurise his wife into an abortion if there is an accident as after all we can’t have men doing anything that might impact on them in the future

I have the Kyleena and it's the best thing since sliced bread!!

Yes I'm also deeply suspicious as to why women in the Uk via the nhs are only offered ONE BRAND of hormonal coil too! - I'm sure someone's getting a backhander somewhere along the line!