I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

Unless a man is willing to get the snip he can’t reasonably complain about using condoms.

But wow!! - this thread is an eye opener on some of the posters who think they have something positive to contribute about healthy loving relationships!
So - for future reference (I think similar is at the MN note at the top of the relationship talk thread)....
Withholding, manipulation, and controlling behaviours are all legitimate tactics for abusers.
Additionally I think these approaches are used by people who are too ashamed of who they are to have a genuine, honest, intimate relationships. But that’s often seen as excusing abusers - I’d prefer to say explaining rather than excusing.

I love it when a man comes along to lecture women on reproductive rights while suggesting that women who want bodily autonomy are abusive.

It’s like our very own Little Donald Trump, right here on MN.

If the OP was immunodepressed and her OH should take a vaccine to protect her, would it be ok for the OP to tell him that he'd either take the vaccine or live somewhere else?

My answer would be yes.

Not consenting to sex because there isn't adequate and suitable contraception in place is NOT abusive or manipulative - it's common sense!

As for Dadaists comments on the coil at 1128 are shockingly ill informed and dismissive of the MANY MANY women who've had significant problems with the coil and then had major problems getting the damn thing removed! Not to mention completely ignores ops desire not to use certain methods of contraception after many years of being the one responsible for it.

And I really don't think "now it's your turn" is an unreasonable stance in a situation where BOTH parties should be equally responsible and one is being especially selfish.

I guess really it's not "intimacy" were talking about here it's unreasonable to withhold that but withholding PIV sex is acceptable. There are other alternatives like the back passage or a hand.

Isn’t it incels who believe that woman don’t have the right to refuse sex? Or is that Red Pillers . I get confused between all these Mens rights groups.

Yes of course @BubblyBarbara And @Dadaist, women who don’t want PIV sex should be obliged to provide oral or anal sex to any man who wants it. That’s a totally reasonable position to take

Thinking of the number of men who have always been the only earners in the family, while the wife is a SAHM and continues not to work long after the kids are in school and left home, imagine the comments if he said I've worked for the last 20/25 years (minus the time the kids started school), now it's your turn.

The man won’t be wrong in this scenario. Why should he be the one always going out to work and especially if he doesn’t like his work anymore. But he will be wrong if he doesn’t support the decision with putting in the h d work: retraining, childcare, wife work and all that comes with being a SAHM.
But why are you even comparing this scenario with vasectomy? It is so absurd!

Thinking of the number of men who have always been the only earners in the family, while the wife is a SAHM and continues not to work long after the kids are in school and left home, imagine the comments if he said I've worked for the last 20/25 years (minus the time the kids started school), now it's your turn.

As if the woman in that scenario "doesn't work" and the man doesn't benefit career-wise and salary-wise. Or as if the man would really want to, with the inevitable cut in the family income.

@SandyY2K your stance is very odd. You put yourself through a severe and dangerous surgery so your husband wouldn’t have to do a simple quick procedure and also in case he wants to leave you and have children with another woman.

Myself and my DH make decisions together. When we decide our family is done he will have a vasectomy. He doesn’t intend to leave me for another woman so we don’t make important decisions based on that. If that were to happen down the line he is an adult who made a decision. I don’t see why I should have to go through sterilisation just in case he needs to keep his options open. Very strange situation you’re in.

@SandyY2K I was quite happy to be sterilised when me and DH decided to remain child free. My DH though being the kind and considerate man he is said he would have a vasectomy as it is no way near as big a surgery as a sterilisation.

He was concerned about my health and wellbeing and didn't see having a vasectomy as a big deal (unlike a lot of men it seems)

[quote Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove]@SandyY2K your stance is very odd. You put yourself through a severe and dangerous surgery so your husband wouldn’t have to do a simple quick procedure and also in case he wants to leave you and have children with another woman.

Myself and my DH make decisions together. When we decide our family is done he will have a vasectomy. He doesn’t intend to leave me for another woman so we don’t make important decisions based on that. If that were to happen down the line he is an adult who made a decision. I don’t see why I should have to go through sterilisation just in case he needs to keep his options open. Very strange situation you’re in.[/quote]
Your stance isn't any better. You both don't decide of the man has a vasectomy. He does. The same way you both don't decide for the woman to be sterilised. She does. Assuming the other should have the procedure is nonsense. The individual makes a personal choice based on the circumstances they find themselves in. At least it is how it should work.

@jdoejnr1 that makes no sense. Couples in adult relationships make decisions together not in isolation. Do you try read your partners mind then come out with your decision on something without even discussing it with them?

[quote Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove]@jdoejnr1 that makes no sense. Couples in adult relationships make decisions together not in isolation. Do you try read your partners mind then come out with your decision on something without even discussing it with them? [/quote]
Where did I say you should not discuss it with a partner? You appear to be trying to mind read me.

@Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove

@SandyY2K your stance is very odd. You put yourself through a severe and dangerous surgery so your husband wouldn’t have to do a simple quick procedure

I know many people including my DM and Dsis who have had their tubes and none of them have has any complications as a result.

I'd be doing the surgery because I do not want any more children, even if my marriage ended and I'm taking control of my body.

The decision on whether to have more children or not was mine. I'm carrying the baby...I'm the one to go through painful childbirth...so if I would end up terminating an accidental pregnancy...then sterilisation is something I would take control of.

But why are you even comparing this scenario with vasectomy

My post was very clear in terms of this point. That you find it absurd may be down to your comprehension and objective thinking.

It's not about taking turns...I don't think these things..i.e. contraception and being the only income earner for the entire marriage are about turns.

It is indeed manipulative to threaten withholding sex, as a means of coercing your spouse into doing anything....be it a vasectomy or housework.

Anyone who thinks that's reasonable or acceptable clearly doesn't get it.

Sounds a selfish twat

he goes flat within seconds with a condom on so out sex life has nose dived. Oral sex he's happy to receive not too happy to give so I don't bother anymore

Poor you, OP. He sounds like a selfish, thoughtless man.

@ enjoyeverymoment

I'm so sorry that your 'D'H has treated you so badly, how dare he suggest that only you wanted your third DC !! What a prick !!

If I were you, I'd type out a list of all the invasive procedures and hormones etc you have endured along with all the inherent risks and side effects alongside.
Then type up any invasive procedures he's had to go through.
Compare both ..................

If he still can't acknowledge that he needs to take the responsibility for birth control now , I'd be telling him that there will be NO SEX until he sorts it !!

he goes flat within seconds with a condom on so out sex life has nose dived

What an excuse. If he can't keep an erection around someone he is allegedly sexually attracted to he has erectile dysfunction that needs looking into, condom is an excuse.

But I’ve known one man who is now partially disabled and unable to work following complications stemming from a vasectomy

As opposed to the thousands (probably more) of women who are incapacitated because obstetric and gynaecological conditions, many a direct result of pregnancy and childbirth, and many because of problems and complications with contraception. Women’s women’s health care in this country is very poor.

But anecdotal evidence of the very rare side effects of a man having a vasectomy trump all women’s health/contraception issues, clearly.

OMG - @graphista - no one should have PIV sex if they fear pregnancy due to inadequate contraception, or any sex if they don’t want any. And nowhere have I suggested they should - because that’s atrocious.
But using sex as leverage? or money? or anything else? to control someone else’s body is not healthy - and can be classed as abusive.

Everything else you’ve attributed to me is projected on me by you. I said nothing of the sort.

I’m not even saying that coils don’t carry risks - only that if you accept the risks of one kind of contraception you can’t dismiss the risks of others. And YES - by comparison with a vasectomy- a coil is safer and lower risk - and both these options are less risky than female sterilisation! That’s just the known risks that you’ll be informed of before embarking on any option. I’m just pointing out the absurdity of accepting the risks of one procedure and not another.

@ItalianHat - “ trump all women’s health/contraception issues”, clearly. you’re just being obtuse to draw that conclusion from one example I gave alongside other examples of no complications. I’m not sure how you even manage that? It’s like saying because someone was run over by a car that makes all boating accidents irrelevant- or something! What?

I’d leave him. He complained about the side effects of a vasectomy yet he was happy for you to get hormonal contraception? sexist much.

Just saw he doesn’t even give oral sex. What are you even with him for op, he’s a selfish bastard dump his ass and find a real man.

It is indeed manipulative to threaten withholding sex, as a means of coercing your spouse into doing anything....be it a vasectomy or housework

@SandyY2K, it is not manipulative to withhold sex as a means to ensure you absolutely cannot conceive. And as the OP feels her body has had enough of hormonal contraception, she’d struggle to access a sterilisation and her husband isn’t keen on using conforms, then abstaining from sex isn’t only not manipulative, it’s utterly sensible.

@ItalianHat funny how the posters arguing the man's side keep conveniently forgetting (ie ignoring, minimising, dismissing) all the shit women go through to conceive, be pregnant (or stop being pregnant), give birth etc

And yes women's health care in Uk is a shit show!

Everything else you’ve attributed to me is projected on me by you. I said nothing of the sort please be specific here cos I'm pretty sure I didn't!

then the risks associated with using a coil are minuscule by comparison and side effects also rare and reversible anyway.

For starters you seem woefully ill informed on the coil and the effects AND the major problems women in this country are having with the coil - particularly getting removed! And NO not all side effects of the coil are reversible.

The main reason my then gynaecologist didn't want me going on the coil was because he believed I was at increased risk (and it's a risk for ALL users) of scarring, tearing or perforation caused by it

They also increase the risk of ectopic pregnancy - which I've also had but not due to the coil - and ectopic pregnancy is LIFE THREATENING .

So it's really not "minuscule" risk wise

It’s like saying because someone was run over by a car that makes all boating accidents irrelevant- or something! What?

That's actually what you did! That's what @ItalianHat was calling you out on

abstaining from sex isn’t only not manipulative, it’s utterly sensible. totally agree!