Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

How are you all?

If you have gone back then that's not the end, women often do it several times. Just get back on the wagon and start making another plan to get out. You'll do it in the end. xx

(Obviously if you've managed to stay at the refuge that's even better though.)

We are here for you
Sending you all the best ❤️❤️❤️❤️

We are all worried about Chicken and her children, do you think the Refuge might have asked her not to use her phone because it might have a tracker on it and her husband would know where she was, just a thought.

@canuck43

We are all worried about Chicken and her children, do you think the Refuge might have asked her not to use her phone because it might have a tracker on it and her husband would know where she was, just a thought.

I really hope so. I'm just worried that if chicken didn't block him that he may have convinced her to go back. When anyone asked the question on weather she had blocked him after getting to the refuge she didn't answer the question. I really hope they are still at the refuge. We're all thinking of you OP

I'd have thought if the refuge asked her not to use her phone, she wouldn't have been able to post what she did from there over the weekend?
Hope I'm wrong, though.

That's when the abuser goes into pity party mode to make others feel bad

So easy to have a wobble

I tried to leave my demon 25 times

I just hope that poor woman is safe.
She is in my prayers and her children.
So hoping he hasn't been harassing her to return.
She's such a vulnerable woman.
Really heartbreaking.

I was concerned that the shock of being in the refuge might have pushed you back to him.

I really hope you're ok

Really worried for her and the children.
Hope they are still at the refuge, safe.

This thread is about to run out too I think, is it 1000 post limit to a thread?

Yes, it is

@Chickencuddle When you feel able to post or whatever then please do, even if you have to make a new thread. Whatever's happening, so many of us have been through something similar. A lot of women here understand.

Chicken your silence is worrying, please check in when you can just to let us know your ok please dont be afraid to come back to the thread even if you have gone back, no one is here to judge you. Only support. Hope you and the children are ok lovely x

I'm so sorry I havnt been posting life is hectic and I felt like I was exhausted and couldnr think about it. I'm sorry.
I went back on sunday evening. I got out of isolation but noone spoke to me. I tried to speak to the worker on shift about how I was feeling. I said I felt like I'd made a big mistake and I should go back. She said they had an open door policy and I could leave when I wanted the decision was mine. There was nothing else.
I decided to stay until monday to speak to someone else. But then my kids were asking questions and I didnt know how to answer them. The lady on friday told me to wait to tell them anything until out of isolation and they could help. She said they wouldnt ask questions for a few days so should be ok. But found myself alone with all these questions and not knowing what was best. They asked if we could go home and I was just at the end of my energy resources. I said yes and we packed up and left.
He promised to never do anything ever again. Swore on the kids lives. Said he would adopt my approach to parenting. Said he would be gentler and not shout. Said he will take consent seriously and never do anything without it.
He has been good since I came back but he is really scared I'll leave again and I feel bad for him tbh

I am sorry the refuge wasn’t more helpful. I think it was probably a combination of it being the weekend and COVID that you didn’t get more support.

I really hope it’s a wake up call for him. Please don’t feel bad for him. He has never felt bad for you.

Wishing you well OP.
You left and now you know you CAN do it again if you need to.
You have the strength to leave.
Know that.

Glad your ok Chicken. Hopefully he'll stick to his word & he's capable of change. I'd highly recommend some sort of counselling for both of you

Is he willing to access counselling and help for himself in order to do that Chicken - because if it is a product of his childhood that is the way he can start to get better and over it.

And if he isnt do you have a plan now that you know you can do it.

I will say that a weekend at these places is always massively understaffed. Please contact womans aid as well to get help from the house

You dont need to apologise chicken i understand you have been through alot and how hectic life is was just worried for you. Im sorry that you feel you didnt get the support from the refuge that you needed i suppose its difficult for them aswell with having to manage with covid restriction, with the children askimg questions i feel best to just answer them as honestly as you can age appropriately of course though i do understand why it threw you esp since you were already conflicted. Im glad that things are better at home i hope it stays that way though im very skeptical and suspect that he will just be more careful from now on,so just be on your guard please chicken and remember that we are still all here for you. You feel bad for him because you are a good person,glad you have checked in, keep talking, were listening x

Do not feel bad for him, he has ignored your feelings for years.

If this isn't a wake up call for him then nothing will ever help and you know you can leave again if you need to.

Take very good care of yourself

It’s good to hear from you Chicken. Remember we’re all here supporting you when you need us.

Hope you're doing ok @Chickencuddle just know you're in control and you can leave again if needed, don't think it will just be the same again next time at the refuge, it was likely down to previous posters reasoning. Stay strong and remember what you deserve, for you and your children to be happy xx

As previous posters said, a lot of institutions are a bit crap on weekends. Sorry to hear you didn't get more support.

I hope at some point you feel able to have another go, as I still think he's not good. They will be good for a while after something like this, then go back to their old ways.

I'm not saying it's not possible for them to change, but it is rare. There are probably resources online he can find, others might have more knowledge. He could look at the men's version of the Freedom Programme, it's for both male victims and perpetrators to get an idea of the tactics of perps. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ 'The Sexual Controller' might be a particular one for him.

He has to get rid of any idea that he owns or is entitled to anything from you, which he can use power and control to enforce. You can tell if he's changed by if he seems respectful and no longer coercive. xxx

While he is on good behaviour and apparently contrite and terrified you’ll leave again I would lay down some ground rules. And a warning to him that if he steps out of line with the sexual abuse you will not be taking the children from their home but he will be leaving.

Have you told him it’s sexual abuse? Counselling would be a good idea. Although it’s not recommended to attend joint counselling with an abuser.

I’d also suggest he does a parenting course. In fact it would be a demand rather than a request. But I’m a bolshy cow. I’d have lost my temper with him by now.