Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

Good about the meeting next week! It’s normal to feel nervous. But please god whatever you do,
Do not allow that loan in your name. Hopefully if you don’t work etc they would decline it anyway? But don’t risk it, sorry but I think this needs to be a short sharp NO and he can sulk until he’s blue in the face, say why would it be any quicker in my name? And sorry but no.. say if you died I don’t want loans attached to my name only, at least if it was a business loan there
Maybe some way round it if he died (obviously this is just your excuse, rather than no mate I want to leave you and don’t want your debt) say what you have to, let him ignore you for weeks if need be, but don’t do it. It’s better to have £0 in the bank now than paying his loan off for years because if it’s in your name
You have no proof he took the loan out so you will be stuck with the payments which won’t be cheap xxx

Keep going OP. You don’t have to live this way. Get free for your children - and you too.

Dont think this meeting will be happening now. With this lockdown etc happening now. I'm going to phone tomorrow. Finding it hard when he is around now and I dont think Its all his fault. I think it's me just feeling uncomfortable and on eggshells waiting for something to happen because I've realised now. And also not wanting him nesr me which I feel guilty saying

He has been grabbing me constantly today. Grabbing my bum and breasts hard pushing me against the counters grabbing me hard. Humping me constantly. When I'm cooking dinner. When I'm sat down coming and lying on me and humping me. Grabbing me down below alot. In bed this morning with the kids around us. Told him to stop when kids are in different room etc not in front of them. But told him to stop and he says he will then does it a bit more before stopping. It hurts me sometimes and cant get away because he holds me so tight.
Also few pointed comments about what I'm eating/my bum being big etc I feel like old things I spoke to him about in detail and told him I really dont like and he said he would stop are creeping back in. Felt really nervous around him today. Worrying about tonight.

I might see if WA can help me over phone tomorrow. I feel like I need a plan. A light at the end of the tunnel.

How are you doing, OP? Did you have your meeting? I hope you're alright

No Its tuesday the lady said we could have it outside and I agreed as I was rushing to get the kids but realised I will of course have 3 children with me. So I will have to phone Tuesday and cancel I think.
Could just cry atm I feel like I know people have given me great advice but my head cabt even think properly or know which way to turn. It feels impossible without help which feels very hard to get atm.

OP the behaviour you describe is disgusting and abuse.
You definitely should not feel guilty saying you don't like being around him, that's your instincts telling you what he's doing is wrong. In the next sentence you describe him humping you and grabbing at you and hurting you after you've told him to stop. This is awful. None of this is your fault, none of it.
How has he been at night?
Somehow you need to find a way to get out, and soon. This is no way to live and your DC will grow up thinking dad abusing mum is normal. Can you not talk to WA over the phone?

Is there a time you won’t have the kids when you can meet her? When they are at school maybe?

No school for 2 weeks now at least but hopefully after

Sorry cavegirl I didnt see your post before. I'm going to phone Monday and explain about not being able to go with all three kids. I can try the phone but it is extremely difficult as even if i distract them With something it never lasts long and i only ever get a few minutes maximum without someone needing something and even then if I'm on the phone they will ear wig lol. He hasnt been bad at night recently I have had my dd and ds in bed with me alot and he has had to go in one of their beds. So times he doesnt mind because he gets a good nights sleep away from any kicking deet as smallest is in every night anyway. But other times he has been angry about it. Telling me I need to sort out youngest sleep so we can get our time and bed back. Telling me it's the last night she will ever be in our bed and she will be going in her own room fro. Tomorrow. (She sleeps in a cot next to me but because she wakes so often I always end up bringing her in in the middle of the night)
The last incident at night was 2 weeks ago I think? He seems to go through phases of either ignoring me and never hugging me or anything to being over the top sexual/feely. Maybe thatd just how I'm perceiving it atm.
Cavegirl they dont really see any of it. I just feel si scared incase I'm making a big deal of things. It's hard to convey things over message instead of face to face and I just worry. It seems like it's always me. There must be something wrong with me.

It’s definitely not you

You are not making a big deal of it. How many people have commented on your threads? Tens and tens of people, all telling you this is not normal and not ok.
It's not you.
Really hope you can speak to WA.

Could you get someone to watch the kids for an hour while you meet with WA. Say you have a dentist appointment or something.

No sorry. It would definitely be dodgy. The only time someone has looked after all my kids together for me was when I was in labour. I always have them with me everywhere. Even when I go to the dentist or doctors so it would look wierd if I suddenly did that
Also I've been trying to get aa doctors appointment recently and it takes ages if it's not urgent. So he will know it cant be that and he asked that next time I go to dentist me and the kids that I book him in too. So cant do that either.
Will phone wa tomorrow and see what she says anyway.
Last night he wanted sex and I didnt. It was really late. I hadnt had anytime to myself every night I do everything and out all three kids to bed and last night was a really late night I was utterly exhausted. He kept on and on at me (so much for the 1 strike rule he talked about)
He kept touching me I kept pulling away asking him to stop and physically removing his hands. It went on for a while then he accepted it and I went to sleep. But woke up twice to him touching me and once to him suckibg my boob (so sorry that's even embarrassing to write)
So yeah. But he didnt force me.
Then this morning and all today he has been super quiet. Very short with me. Giving me cold looks etc. I asked him what was wrong he said he was having a sad day which we have talked about before and means he is thinking about me sleeping with that other guy and not telling him about it which I do feel so shitty about. So yeah not a bad day but just logging stuff I guess.

He’s trying to guilt you into having sex with him! He’s so horrible. So sorry you are having to go through this. Hopefully you will be able to speak to Women’s aid tomorrow.

This all must be so hard for you and also having to have the kids with you constantly. Do you never get any time just for you?

He hasn't forced you - because you were asleep!!!! This is awful behaviour. Massively well done for moving his hands away and refusing to give in OP, I think a few months ago you wouldn't have been able to do that if I read your older posts.

Why do you never have anyone else look after the kids just for a break? What would happen if you asked a friend to look after them for a few hours even just to go to the shops in peace or something? You must be knackered.

Oh ffs, you existed before you met him. The world was turning before he was born and will continue to do so when he dies. Don’t buy into his manipulations. He is twisted.

In the past I have removed his hands and also put my hands down there to cover myself and stop him. In the past this didnt stop him and he would force my hands away hold them so I couldn't stop him. I often tried to go into a different room and he would pull me back grab me and push me on the bed I would try to get up again and again he would just push me down and just start having sex with me. It didn't really hurt he dkdnt leave a mark but I know now that that is unacceptable.
He has stopped doing that since I told him he could be sent to prison for doing that. So he does control himself better than he did. Reading that back i sound stupid I'm sure lots of people are wondering why i ever stayed and it's so hard to explain. But i was so deeply in love with the other side of him and also i think growing up different in an abusive home and always always wanting that normal family life i think i try to cling on to that. Still now i have to stop myself and remind myself that just because the future doesnt look how I wanted doesnt mean I stay. Things change you cant predict your future and unfortunately its kot always a happy ending.
I never really get time to myself my youngest is being a monkey with sleep which means I have already got 2 children to sleep tonight and I'm currently getting smallest to sleep because she fights sleep so bad. Then I will have to do mY assignment for college but sometimes I'm cleaning up or getting things ready for next day. Doing one food shop or cooking etc. Now and again I will get half an hour to watch TV or read a book. I dont know I just think all my friends have their own lives and their own children and 3 kids age almost 2. 5 and 7. That's a lot to ask. So I never ask because I can manage. I dont really have a reason to ask. I think it would look wierd now if I did.

Justilou maybe that's the problem that before him I was in foster care and had a really shitty life tbh. We moved in together at the age of 17. So there wasnt much of a life before him.

I hate this man. Reading about him, I hate him. How are you not knackered with him pawing at you like? He's disgusting. Hes a cunt.

I don't know if this makes sense or not maybe someone else can say but cant you just call the police on him?

I grew up in a shitty, abusive household too. You have to stop buying into his story that he is your rescuer. He really, truly isn’t. You jumped out of one frying pan into the fire, only you were too young and inexperienced to realise. You know now that YOU are your own rescuer. There are others who can help you help yourself, but ultimately it is up to you to be brave enough to take the kids if you have to and speak to these people and ask for what you need. If you stay with him, I can guarantee that you will be conditioning you kids to a lifetime of shitty relationships. Your boys will probably grow up to to repeat abusive behaviour also patterns and your girls will be submissive and resentful. If you can get out and away, they may get access to counselling and emotional space away from the constant anxiety that living with someone like this man entails. You are so conditioned to tuning his moods that you maybe don’t see that your kids will be doing it also.

I will go to speak to womens aid and will be leaving him but I cant take the kids he will ask them what we did where we went who we saw. It wont work. Plus I dont want them to have that burden.

Please don’t delude yourself into thinking that you are protecting them by staying with him and tolerating his behaviour quietly. It’s really not how this works in reality.

I'm not saying that. I dont want them to have the burden of knowing we did something that daddy cant know about (going to see WA lady) I am not staying with him long term and pretending everything is fine. I'm only doing that until I speak to WA and decide which way to go. I dont know how to get out atm. Which way is best. So I'm speaking to them first.sorry maybe I didnt explain properly.

Coming back to this thread to say

OP I know exactly your confusion
When I was ready to flee my demon was all lovely and I couldn't get away
Took me 25 attempts

This man is a clear abuser in so so many ways

You and your lovely kids deserve so much better

I mean it !!!

You will have peace and freedom

Some lovely solicitors will also help with organising contact centre access !! Do not let him ever be alone wit them ever

I would press charges

I am doing so
And so glad to have pursued it

Stay strong

You are brave in so MANY ways xxxxxx