Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

‘But he didn’t force me’ oh but he is, just because it wasn’t sex this time,
He’s sucking your boobs while
Your asleep and touching you. I have never heard anything like
This in my life, he is a sick man. I agree with the recent poster, I also hate him with a passion. I feel so sorry for you. WA need to step up in my opinion, they should understand women being abused can’t be calling and emailing and chasing up appointments everyday. When she calls maybe ask if they can meet you somewhere local like a park so the kids can play and you can chat to ‘an old friend’ if the kids ask and you could say to husband it was A school mum Or whatever. Or can you say you have college or have you broken up for half
Term? There is light at the end of the tunnel, one day this man will not be your husband and you won’t have to step on eggshells all day and be anxious even in your sleep. How disgusting of him your being kept awake by your baby and the time you could be sleeping he’s giving you a broken sleep feeling you up. The stuff you told him before is drummed into men over the years, he knows that if a woman says no it is rape, pinning someone to the bed and having sex with them is rape, his fake shock over this just adds to how manipulative he is. Because he’s still doing it. He must make your skin crawl. Sending virtual hugs, one day closer to leaving! Xx

Thanks for the support everyone.
I phoned before and she rearranged for me but its not until the 10th november she said I can email her before then if I need to. But I dont know what to say. I wasnt fully listening tbh as kids were shouting me (like 30 seconds on the phone and mummyyyyyy! Lol)
It does surprise me a little when people are so shocked or think he is horrible because every time I write something I'm nervous incase people say it's my fault or I'm making a big deal of it.
Mondays are always tough days with the kids. There are lots of tears and shouting and fighting and I always wonder if it's because they have repressed everything while he is around on a sunday then let it all out Monday. The rest of the week is always better. But it could be anything I guess. Could be them missing him even.

These kids are traumatised

I would be getting out
Not waiting for a d v worker to contact you
Sadly they may take ages

Value your life
Respect your kids

And leave this CREEPY FCKER

I think that sounds like an accurate description of their behaviour. They are anxious around him and “being good” so they don’t set him off.

Because of my history, I have other concerns about your DH... He is a predator, and he is accustomed to instant gratification. This is why he chose you when you were young. He mounded you into what he wanted. He is a lot older than you, and you were very alone and vulnerable when you met. You were still very much a child, and this is exactly what he wants you to be. As you age, he is likely to look elsewhere. Please, please, please talk to your kids - most especially your daughters about not keeping secrets from you - ever. Make sure that they know that some grownups want them to keep secrets from Mummy that may not be good for them. Even Daddy. Make sure that it’s drummed into them so that their first response ever if anyone says “Do you want to play a game? But you have to keep it secret!” is “We don’t keep secrets in our family.” This is one of the best ways of safeguarding little kids. This was taught to me by a policewoman who worked in that field.

Thank you. I have spoken to my children repeatedly about that because of my own history too. I was sexually abused as a child. So I always say to them they can tell me anything even if someone has told them not to tell me if it feels wrong tell me. Also taught them alot about consent.
He is only 1 year older than me. So not that much older.

I would love to leave today but it's more complicated and harder than that and I'd like to speak over my options with WA first. Xx

What's going to be different on the 10th November OP, that means you can see her?

Have you thought about speaking to someone via their online chat service? That may be easier and a quicker way to speak to someone? chat.womensaid.org.uk/

The kids will be at school again (hopefully) so I will just have my toddler with me.
Thanks welshgal. I may try that but I would like to speak to someone face to face really as it's just so much easier and the support worker will be he one helping me.

I understand, just thought I’d suggest it in case you need some support before then as it’s a few weeks away.
It may be a good option if only to speak to someone until your meeting? I see they have forums like this on their website too which may be helpful x

The next time he touches you without your consent would you consider phoning the police? Tell them you've been sexually assaulted, that'll get him out of the house & you could work from there? I'm so angry that you & your kids will have to leave your home!

How dare he !!!

I am so sorry you and your innocent little ones are going through this

I would press charges
It is a layer of protection for you
It protects your DC from being alone with him
And hopefully he will get the punishment by law he deserves

My ex used to hit me in my sleep
He was exceptionally violent to me but one thing that hurt me the most was that he hit me while i slept
Just felt so so very wrong

I am thinking of you and your kids ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I really dont feel like I can press charges I dont feel confident enough that he is in the wrong and I feel bad because I do still love him and care about him...even if I dont want to be around him right now.
I feel bad that he would get punished for something he did wrong but I wouldnt get punished for what I did wrong.
It's hard because I am really struggling to pretend everything is ok.
The other night I was so tired. Every day I do so much cleaning and obviously looking after the kids. Cooking etc. Plus no sleep at night. I get all 3 kids to bed every night and often youngest isnt in bed until 9.30/10 . I get no time to myself. Meanwhile every day he is on the phone having chats to friends and family
Watching hours of tv and playing on his xbox. Has a nice relaxing bath every night whereas I am rushing in the shower. It's fine I dont mind him doing all that it's just he doesnt understand why I'm sometimes tired.
So this night I came down so tired I said I was feeling teary as just never get a break etc he kept pulling me and pulling my top down i asked him to stop he kept going. I said for him to please stop and I had so much to do and wanted to go to bed before early hours and needed to go do everything. He said yeah but you can show me your tits first. I said no I'm going up now. He was like why? Why?
Previously would have just given him what he wanted but now I'm so tired and I'm picking up on everything and just thought. You dont care about me at all I'm telling you I'm upset and he just wants to see my tits.
Will post more later but got to go and dont wsnt to lose this so will post this for now. But not ignoring anyone

Creep he makes my skin crawl

Awful man to be around young children

Sexual abuse
Financial abuse

Coercive control

The man needs to go to court for this
Trust me

Oh @Chickencuddle I'm so sad for you. He's an absolute arsehole and you are being abused.
I dont feel confident enough that he is in the wrong
People treating you like utter shit is what you've told us you've been used to, so you have no real normal/acceptable reference. Must be tens/hundreds of people on your threads telling you that this is not ok. That's why you feel like you don't want to be around him. Because it's not ok. There is nothing you're going to describe about his awful behaviour that is going to make anyone on here say - no, actually that's normal behaviour in a relationship, stop complaining. Imagine if it was your daughter describing her husband behaving this way to her, what would you say?
It's abuse. He's one million percent in the wrong.
You dont care about me at all I'm telling you I'm upset and he just wants to see my tits
Yes, you're absolutely spot on. He's disgusting the way he treats you. It's actually sexual assault.

Oh OP, I am so sorry to hear this. He is awful.

You are right in what you say about him not caring about you. You were upset, tired and fed up tonight and his response was not to care for you and support you as a normal partner should, but instead he’s just thinking about what he wants all the time and is abusing you. I know it is scary to think about things as abuse but I’m sorry that is what it is! He is in the wrong here, there is no doubt about that.

What about you and what you need and want from life? You deserve a life when you are not just existing but are happy

Sorry meant *where you are not just existing but are happy

Sorry couldn't finish my message before but was going to say he 2as still trying to pull my top down as I walked away only stopping when o was out of reach.
I feel like he is always finding something to criticize. Sometime he will phone during the day and ask what I've been up to. Will interrupt with "you need to do a wash."
Yes I've done it.
Have you hung clothes up.
Yes
Good. Have you fed th e cats yet.
Yes.
Could do with a hoover upstairs.

Like he is just trying to find more jobs.
The other day I cooked sunday roast. He was mowing the lawn. Which is great. But just meant I'm with 3 children trying to do this dinner with different things that everyone likes. Constantly stopping to help someone or break up an arguement etc. Anyway it meant that the parsnips ended up being in big bowl for 5 minutes before going on peoples plates. He came in and I was still playing everything up and looked over my shoulder. Assessing everything then touched the parsnips. "they're stone cold!"
I explained why.
He ust kept goingbomnabout how cold they were. I mean that weren't that warm but

Sorry pressed send too soon.
But he was really annoyed about these parsnips
No mention of he rest of the meal.
Tonight I cooked the kids a dinner that didnt meet his dietary requirements. Songe asked what we were having. I said I was thinking soup or curry. He wasnt keen so I said heres your far pf pasta sauce (he likes these pasta sauce jars. I normally cook from scratch but he uses this often for if he dowsnt fancy a meal I've cooked.
So I made this tonight and he complained it wasnt as good as when he makes it. He was pulling faces the whole way through
I was like....its a jar! He said he cooks it for longer. I was like ok I'll remember. But thinking in my head I've done 3 different meals here while again looking after 3 kids. You have been on the phone the whole time
But anyway.
Also something annoyed me today my little one is still breastfeeding and she was asking for milk he said "that's daddies milk. " he kept saying it over and over and then I said it's actually mine. He said "its daddies and mummys" I
This annoyed me because so many times he has said my body is his my boobs are his tok because we are married etc and no matter how many times I say no actually they are mine he dkesnt get it and I thi k thats the problem he genuinely doesnt know he is being this way

He knows he just doesn’t care

Your children need to be away from him he is abusing them as well

I think the urgency of needing to get away from him is increasing, he’s now saying this in front of your children. Imagine if your older children said at school on my daddy said my mummy’s boobies belong to him, a teacher would Think what the hell are they discussing at home for a child to hear this?! It’s totally inappropriate. He seems very overly sexual, like why would he want to see your tits when your trying to cook? I honestly
Think it’s like to see if you will do it, mind games, sulking if you don’t etc. He sounds like a real weirdo, honestly the reason you can’t see it is because he has gaslighted you so badly, look up gaslighting. Everything about him is this. Making you question yourself, what Because you cheated on him years ago? He chose to forgive you, that doesn’t mean he can spend the rest of your life sexually abusing you, bullying you and your children. Your children are happier when he isn’t there, If woman’s aid are taking forever could you not start the ball rolling yourself,
Like applying for universal credit etc? That takes 6 weeks at the minute, get the ball rolling, the gov website has benefit calculators that will tell you exactly what you are entitled to. Contact your local council put your name down for a property, Mark it has emergency there will be a section where you can explain. He sounds disgusting and this isn’t a man who want round your children, ok he will have visitation rights after but I’m sure that won’t be often when he actually has to do his own cooking cleaning bathing them and putting them to bed, the novelty will wear off. We are all here for you xx

He’s sick. He’s extremely abusive. He’s got you so exhausted that you can’t think straight so that you don’t know that you can just say no. None of this is normal. None of this. You have no mental space, no physical space. No time. He physically hurts you during sex. He sexually demeans you TOWARDS your children FFS! This can’t continue!!!

Chicken Humpty is right - your children are at school - if they mentioned some of what is going on here to a teacher or someone else safeguarding would come into play straight away and social services get involved. Because they are living in an awful environment which is entirely skewing their boundaries and beliefs

And you have done nothing wrong here. This is all him.

I'm not defending his behaviour but just to say the comment about my boobs being for him was only infront of my youngest who is 2 in a few weeks. Eldest ones didnt hear they were in a different room.
The only thing they heard was the criticism about the cooking lol.
He has been trying to persuade me to stay in all week. He isnt saying "you have to stay at home"
But he is saying every evening "what are you doing tomorrow." Then say "I think you need to stay at home it's going to be raining/kids are tired/have a home day"
Says it alot and today we are going to the beach. He asked me last night and I said I wasnt sure what we were doing and he was like "oh they need a home day hey are tired"
Then this morning they were full of beans so I suggested the beach and he was like almost panicked and like "oh no its really cold. Ots going to be really cold today. " and looking at me like all concerned. It's not going to be hot but it's meant to be a nice enough day and we will wrap up.
He left in a bit of a mood (in my opinion) didnt give us a hug goodbye like he normally does.
Anyway. I dont know about getting the ball rolling because I dont know which option I'm going to take yet and really want to sit down and discuss it with womens aid. I was thinking this week maybe after the weekend I will just pack up some things and go to a refuge. But after reading up most women are in there for 6 months to a year. It will be far away from kids school and its youngest birthday and christmas and it would be very hard maybe even traumatizing for the kids to do that right now.
I am sad about the thought of leaving the home. For the kids. They have moved so much already and are settled and happy. But understand I may have to. But this is why I need to discuss with someone so I know what to do.
Would be lying to say I'm not scared.

And its ok to be scared OP this is huge and massive and it will be hard on your children.

But look at how traumatizing this is for them - he is controlling them by not wanting them to go

And your youngest is nearly 2 - old enough I suspect to have some understanding of the point her father was trying to make and definitely aware of how I imagine it was said

He wants you at home so he feels in control of what you're doing, where you are, who you're seeing.
As the kids get older imagine what he's going to be like, he'll need to control them as well.
You are doing the right things OP, starting to recognise these patterns in his behaviour.