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Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
Onadifferentuniverse · 27/09/2020 06:25

How long have you been with him op?

Wouldn’t surprise me if these so called ‘perfect’ ex’s had enough of this shit off him as well.

Sex is about both of you, he clearly doesn’t think this. Such a turn off.

HaggieMaggie · 27/09/2020 06:31

@Teensandfuture

It was his birthday. Birthday sex is non negotiable really, you should have made some effort. Any other day - no, he would be unreasonable. However, his reaction is shit. No one is right in this situation. You didn't fulfil birthday expectations, he is being nasty in return
Seriously? Are you a man?
peachypetite · 27/09/2020 06:35

Time to get rid. He’s shown you his true colours. Imagine having a baby with this man. Run!

WokesFromHome · 27/09/2020 06:35

I do hope you got up and said "see ya" and left, never to return.

Littered5 · 27/09/2020 06:35

It sounds like you are not sexually compatible OP you need to tell him. If your boyfriend cannot accept this you both need to go your separate ways.

How long have you been dating?

chickennoodledoodle · 27/09/2020 06:39

Looks to me like you're not sexually compatible tbh. There's nothing wrong in not wearing sexy lingerie. I usually don't either. But when I was planning his birthday I probably would have thought there was a high probability that it'd end in sex & I MIGHT have thought to wear sexy underwear because 'I know he'd appreciate it'

However, I reserve the right to change my mind if I'm not feeling it & as others said sex would probably have happened in the morning anyway so for him to act so bloody childish was was just.. plain childish Hmm

But then you said HE COMPARES ME TO HIS EXES. I'd tell him to fuck off. THAT is not ok.

TitsOutForHarambe · 27/09/2020 06:43

I think the information you've given in your second post is actually more pertinent than what was in your first post. He sounds like a total sleaze who is playing power games. It's gross.

I think what he's looking for is a compliment escort who is desperate to please him sexually. He can find that himself on the internet in about 10 seconds. Don't waste any more of your time with this man.

BensonStabler · 27/09/2020 06:43

@AdoraBell

That is what you want Teensandfuture it doesn’t apply to every other adult.
Sweet Jesus!! This is COERSION 🚩 If you are pressured and guilt tripped and pressured into sex, that is not free will and consent - Rape is not always violent.
BensonStabler · 27/09/2020 06:44

Sorry i quoted wrong post there

chatterbugmegastar · 27/09/2020 06:50

Wow. If this is who you believe you deserve, then you need some help to sort your head out

SweetTeaInTheSummer · 27/09/2020 06:52

Bleugh. He sounds horrible, OP. No wonder you don't fancy sex with him! Sex should be mutually enjoyable and reciprocal, not some kind of performance you have to put on to please him and prove you're sexy/attractive enough for him. Does he prance about in sexy outfits for you? Did you sulk when he suggested you buy the condoms?? No no no. I can kind of understand a bit of disappointment over lack of sex on his birthday but his reaction and all the other things you've said show he's totally out of order.

BensonStabler · 27/09/2020 06:57

@Aurelia278 in response to AdoraBell's statement & question:
"huge red flag. has he reacted like this before when you don't want sex?"

" Once or twice but not to this extent. There have been a few times where he has tried to convince me into it "Why don't we just try, you might really like it and then if you don't we can stop" and then he turns away in bed if I refuse "

That is what I meant by red flag and pressuring and coercing someone in to have sex when they said they don't want it is not the same as freely consenting. That is rape.

StarlightLady · 27/09/2020 07:05

Sex is not something a woman gives to a man. Sex should be something shared with passion. There is no passion when someone goes through the motions to please someone else when, for whatever reason, they are not in the mood.

Certainly sex after a 3 course meal would be uncomfortable for many of us.

My suggestion is that you let him sulk for you not wanting sex with him for a far longer period; for ever. I’m sorry that you have wasted so much money, but it really is time to move on.

It is your body, not his, someone may share it by invitation, but that invitation can be withdrawn at any time for any reason. Flowers

BensonStabler · 27/09/2020 07:10

OP dump his ass.

Teensandfuture should get together with him instead...
They are perfect for each other!

Mittens030869 · 27/09/2020 07:10

Teensandfuture's attitude sounds exactly like my DM's about sex. I've had difficulties with sexual intimacy in my marriage since flashbacks from my childhood SA came back to me when our DDs were small. She told me to 'lie down and think of England.' She also once told me that all men wanted sex on their birthdays. She's 81 years old, so this attitude isn't just one that young, immature people have, sadly.

Thankfully, my DH's attitude is completely different to that of the OP's boyfriend. He was horrified when I told him what my DM had said.

So, OP, YANBU. You clearly went out of your way to give him a special birthday, and his attitude was horrible. Saying that you had ruined his day and telling you to leave early was really ungrateful. Thanks

Why would he want his girlfriend to feel obliged to have sex on his birthday if he really cares for her? She wasn't feeling well. Actually, a lot of people don't feel up for sex when they're too full up after a three course meal.

Sorry but that's wrong on every level.

Littered5 · 27/09/2020 07:14

@chickennoodledoodle

Looks to me like you're not sexually compatible tbh. There's nothing wrong in not wearing sexy lingerie. I usually don't either. But when I was planning his birthday I probably would have thought there was a high probability that it'd end in sex & I MIGHT have thought to wear sexy underwear because 'I know he'd appreciate it'

However, I reserve the right to change my mind if I'm not feeling it & as others said sex would probably have happened in the morning anyway so for him to act so bloody childish was was just.. plain childish Hmm

But then you said HE COMPARES ME TO HIS EXES. I'd tell him to fuck off. THAT is not ok.

I agree with this.The first part mainly.
Catscatsandmorecats · 27/09/2020 07:16

You aren't compatible. I had an ex like this and it escalated, the coercion and the controlling. Sometimes I enjoyed things, a lot of the time I just did it to please. A couple of occasions it got nasty and once when I did want to stop something he didn't. That was it then. Surprisingly he hasn't held down a relationship since (lots of mutual friends).

Painful as it might be, I'd end it now.

Mojitomogul · 27/09/2020 07:18

He sounds awful!! Was my birthday yesterday, boyfriend and I had a lovely day out, beautiful meal, then my IBS started playing up so crashed out by 10pm in pain and needing sleep. Because we are fair and well adjusted people, we didnt mind that a lovely special day did not end with sex. You definitely deserve better.

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2020 07:21

Nobody is ever entitled to sex with you op. Regardless of whether its their birthday, valentine's day or Christmas. Please read all the mostly good advice here and dump him

MsKeats · 27/09/2020 07:22

Dressing up - like a doll? Is your responsibility? And no doubt then you should be grateful for sex that he does? Oh good god please dump him swiftly. Just a note working for me you entitled chauvinist pig - would work fine. You are not a sex object.

creaturcomforts · 27/09/2020 07:22

Co-ercing someone into sex, it's not flattering or 'expected' like some 1950s expectation of what a woman is for. Anyone has the right to say no, and sulking or suggesting that you go home early yes I can understand how that's hurtful behaviour op. Wether he expected it to happen or not he should have been able to deal with it like a grown up.

Shooglywheel · 27/09/2020 07:23

OP your update is extremely concerning.
This is not a healthy relationship at all.

BovaryX · 27/09/2020 07:25

OP,
He sounds absolutely charmless. Hit the eject button asap.

averylongtimeago · 27/09/2020 07:26

This is your ex boyfriend you are talking about, right?

candourclegane · 27/09/2020 07:33

@StarlightLady

Sex is not something a woman gives to a man. Sex should be something shared with passion. There is no passion when someone goes through the motions to please someone else when, for whatever reason, they are not in the mood.

Certainly sex after a 3 course meal would be uncomfortable for many of us.

My suggestion is that you let him sulk for you not wanting sex with him for a far longer period; for ever. I’m sorry that you have wasted so much money, but it really is time to move on.

It is your body, not his, someone may share it by invitation, but that invitation can be withdrawn at any time for any reason. Flowers

This.