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Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
lborgia · 27/09/2020 02:35

It actually really worries me that @Teensandfuture may in fact be parenting teens, with this attitude. Just awful. Either raising girls who feel they have to capitulate because of what day of the year it is, or boys who think that sex is a right, and theirs to take. Ugh.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/09/2020 02:47

Oh no no no!
This isn't how a relationship works. You don't have to put up with this.
He doesn't get to make demands on your body and then demean you when you're not comfortable with them.
Where is the future in this? Do you think his behaviour will get better or worse as your relationship progresses? When you're 8 months pregnant and really not feeling sexy. When you have a newborn and you're shattered. When you're going through a tough spot at work and you're not in the mood.
You deserve better.

Touchmybum · 27/09/2020 02:51

Run like hell!!

Topseyt · 27/09/2020 02:58

Run for the hills. This man is an entitled arsewipe.

KunekuneKristmasCake · 27/09/2020 03:01

Ditch him

poppeeee · 27/09/2020 03:56

Sounds like the amount you spent. Shopping and fancy dinner were for your benefit and you expect every one to think your amazing

Liddell · 27/09/2020 04:02

@poppeeee

Sounds like the amount you spent. Shopping and fancy dinner were for your benefit and you expect every one to think your amazing
What a stupid, irrelevant post!

Don't pay any attention, OP.

Frownette · 27/09/2020 04:05

@poppeeee no it wasn't all for her benefit.

What was the shopping spent on, OP? Do you mean birthday presents? How long have you been together?

He's still not entitled to sex though. Especially if your stomach felt unsettled after rich food and drink. See how it goes in the morning.

poppeeee · 27/09/2020 04:13

No ones entitled to sex obviously!!!

But just sounds like you think your amazing spending all this money on him like that's all that matters. He just seems like the person who would prefer a cheap takeaway. Please don't think I would condone unconsentual sex

Graciebobcat · 27/09/2020 04:22

What should have happened is that you had a nice lie in and had sex in the morning when you feel less full of food. That's what happens in loving relationships, no-one has sex they don't feel like because it's a special occasion.

popcornlover · 27/09/2020 04:46

Ask for your money back... if you spend that much on him he’s going to think he’s worth something.

wdub40 · 27/09/2020 04:59

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hownowbrowncow123 · 27/09/2020 05:10

I am Genuinely gobsmacked, sat here with my mouth open, for two reasons.
A) that your BF behaves like that
B) those replies! I am not going to engage with that person, as your can't reason with stupid.

OP, you are more than a void for him to stick his dick into when he pleases wherever he wishes, when he desires to. You don't owe him anything, esp proving your desires or fulfilling his fantasies. Does he think he is some sort of sex god? If his ex's were up for anything (and I will eat my hat if that was true!) then I would be telling to pop along and see how far he gets with them.

Entitled little twat. I would honestly be booting that little shit straight out of my life. He has zero respect for you.

It's this kind of outlook that leads to some people feeling that they have the right to take what they want from someone because they were 'asking for it', sending 'vibes' or feel that clothes can indicate sexual availability.

Oh, I have the rage for you!!! You deserve nothing less than being valued and cherished as a human, not a living sex doll.

GammyLeg · 27/09/2020 05:18

He sounds abhorrent.

And sex is always negotiable- you can say no at any time. Even if it’s someone’s birthday 🙄

fallfallfall · 27/09/2020 05:20

Hello 1950’s, birthday sex? No no no.
OP his sexy time demands will only increase, I’d not stay in the relationship I’d bet his whining will only get worse with time.
Bin the man child.

differentnameforthis · 27/09/2020 05:42

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differentnameforthis · 27/09/2020 05:45

The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.

This is VERY telling, he thought he would get sex if he was more attentive... it wasn't for you, it was to make sure you "fell" into wanting sex, so wouldn't refuse him.

In summery, this man has shown you how he views you, as someone to fuck, not his girlfriend, not a woman, just a vessel. It won't get better.

And NO you were NOT in any way wrong to change your mind. A nice evening, buying condoms etc NEVER = sex. You are allowed to refrain from sex anytime you want.

differentnameforthis · 27/09/2020 05:49

@Teensandfuture

I know I want to have sex on my birthday, it's part of the overall birthday treat. I'd be pretty upset if my OH didn't think of pleasuring me in that way on my birthday and would reconsider the relationship myself.
Yuk. You are not entitled to sex on any day! Ever. At All.

I hope your OH knows this, and leaves before you have them thinking this is OK!!

SonEtLumiere · 27/09/2020 05:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 27/09/2020 05:56

@Aurelia278 There have been a few times where he has tried to convince me into it "Why dont we just try, you might really like it and then if you dont like it we can stop" and then turns away in bed if I refuse

That's coercion op. You know that having sex you are coerced into isn't consensual, right?

@Teensandfuture What's not OK exactly?

Hmm

1] That you think your needs are more important than your partners
2] That you have the threat of leaving your partner if they don't have sex with you on your birthday hanging over their head (coercion)
3] That you think others have to subscribe to this bullshit
4] You think that birthday sex is some sort of unspoken obligation for others to fulfil, regardless of what they want
5] You think not fulfilling this "obligation" is far worse than him asking her to leave his house in the dead of night and sulking
6] You believe he was justified in calling op out for not wanting sex

Do you need more...

SonEtLumiere · 27/09/2020 05:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IncandescentSilver · 27/09/2020 06:01

It sounds like you deserve a medal for going out with such an annoying man for as long as you have done!

He also sounds really expensive! You could have a decent hobby or an exotic pet for the amount he is costing you in days out and trips to sex clothing shops!

Was he better in the beginning? What dues he have going for him?

PatchworkElmer · 27/09/2020 06:04

Run for the hills, OP.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 27/09/2020 06:16

Surely you mean your ex boyfriend, yeah?

OP you sound lovely and can do so much better. This rat will slowly wear you down and it will end up an abusive relationship. It already is really with his behaviour. I know that maybe you can't see that now but trust me, I've been in a relationship very very similar to what you describe.

Any decent man would have accepted your 'no' and thanked you for all the effort you'd put in for his birthday. He would not have acted like this. As for comparing you to his ex, that's just deliberate cruelty. What he wanted was for you to think oh no, I have to prove I'm better than her! and have sex with him. It's degrading.

Please call time.on this relationship now rather than down the line when he has trampled you so far into the ground that it's impossible for you to leave. You deserve better.

HowFastIsTooFast · 27/09/2020 06:20

Oh god why are some men like this?? (I would ask the question about who raises them but Teens has already answered that, apparently it's her)

My EXH was like this OP, an entitled prick who would sulk if sex wasn't on offer as and when he wanted it. I remember a particularly impressive strop when 'steak and a blow job' day went unmarked despite him having graciously bought me flowers for Valentine's Day Hmm This never got better in the course of our relationship, only worse.

On the other hand last night DP and I got a bit frisky just before I went to work and I made him some 'promises' about when I got back. It wasn't until we were finally in bed and I brought it up that he even mentioned it, and then only to say 'we'll that'd be very welcome but only if you want to & you're not too tired'. Honestly he's a bloody revelation after my Ex.

Get rid of this selfish demanding little boy you're with OP and find someone that appreciates and respects you x