Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

[Aurelia278]

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

Whiny, coercive, entitled. He would be dead to me.

User

I'm a 40 year old woman and actually know what I want.

One of the things I want in a relationship is a healthy sex life, with some better then average sex on special occasions.
Luckily, most of men have no issues with this. Well, at least I've not been intimate with one that thinks otherwise. Maybe I was just lucky or maybe I have no hung ups re sex and actually enjoy it.

Erm no. Tell him he's a turn off for acting like sex is his God given right. Also hate it when men act extra affectionate just to get in our knickers. Double turn off.

Also did he only want you hanging around on his birthday for sex. He doesn't have any respect for you or himself. I'd dump him.

Let's forget Teansandfuture post, outstandingly crap though it was, it's derailing the thread.
OP, are you actually into dressing up? I think I've had a pretty decent sex drive throughout life, I've tried the odd dress-up thing, but have the conclusion that it's just BS, and I'm more likely to feel stupid wearing some shit that some men can suggest than sexy, so it would be a resounding no. The other issue with it would be, are you a sex object/ fantasy to dress and shag as desired or is he being intimate with you, as a whole person, respectfully?
To me, it sounds like if you're not going to put out for him in the way he wants, you're no use to him so why have you around, in his warped eyes.
Happily, something ex and I would be on same page with - go round his house, up for it, get cooked a big meal, then desert - oops! then we were both too stuffed to want to, totally understandable that you felt like that after your night out.

No, you're not wrong. He's an arse.

Ugh what a dick. Having a tantrum because you didn’ t want sex and ‘ruining his birthday’. Pathetic.

I think the issue is less to do with how often and more that he wants more effort from my side to spice things up. He wants me to start dressing up and said that the underwear I have isnt sexy enough. I told him that even though its not usually my thing that if he bought something he would like to see me in, that I would be happy to wear it for him. This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him.
He also got pissed off because he wanted me to go into the shop and buy the condoms to somehow prove how keen I was to have sex with him and then got sulky when I refused.
He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything" which quite frankly completely has the complete opposite effect and turns me off even more. Instead of being encouraging, he is demanding in what he feels he should be entitled to in bed which is a total turnoff.

He sounds like a massive pig.
Massive pigs don't change.
You need to end the relationship.

Doesn't matter what day it is, you have the right to not want sex. A few years ago I took Dh away for his birthday. Got new toys & lingerie, we both anticipated the sex that night would be pretty hot. In reality we had a big dinner & lots of drinks. I fell asleep, he tucked me in and watched match of the day!. We did have amazing sex in the morning but had he been sulking that would have been off the cards. Its understandable to look forward to sex after a special day but it's not ok to be cold & unkind if it doesn't happen. I'm sorry you've been left feeling like you did something wrong.

He sounds dreadful. Don't waste a minute more on this excuse for a man. You deserve much better than this.

@Teensandfuture

Get over yourself ‘ birthday sex is non negotiable ‘

No it’s not, you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, whatever day of the year it is.

Jesus wept. He wants you to take all responsibility for not only his fantasies but also contraception. What a fucking prince. He wants a mum, not a partner. He's a fucking leech. Run far and fast.

Op, time to dump, tell him to go back to his ex’s then

One of the things I want in a relationship is a healthy sex life, with some better then average sex on special occasions.

Even if your partner isn't feeling well?

He sounds like a disgusting misogynist who just wants a fucktoy that he can dress up and sleep with however he likes, rather than someone who actually cares about you. Dump.

I think the issue is less to do with how often and more that he wants more effort from my side to spice things up. He wants me to start dressing up and said that the underwear I have isnt sexy enough. I told him that even though its not usually my thing that if he bought something he would like to see me in, that I would be happy to wear it for him. This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him.
He also got pissed off because he wanted me to go into the shop and buy the condoms to somehow prove how keen I was to have sex with him and then got sulky when I refused.
He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything" which quite frankly completely has the complete opposite effect and turns me off even more. Instead of being encouraging, he is demanding in what he feels he should be entitled to in bed which is a total turnoff.

So he wants you to dress up, 'prove' you are keen, complains when you don't and compares you to his exes? He can't even be arsed to treat you like a human being?

OP
You two just are not a good match.
As I thought you both not happy with your sex life, you feel he's pushy and he feels you not doing enough/cold.
Bet birthday thing was just a straw that broke camel's back.

Yes, tell him to go back to his ex if he keeps bringing her up. I'd be gone in a heartbeat if someone said to me their ex is better than me. I'd feel humiliated.

And for future, don't spend so much of your own money on going out, it's rarely appreciated and forgotten soon enough.

@Aurelia278

I think the issue is less to do with how often and more that he wants more effort from my side to spice things up. He wants me to start dressing up and said that the underwear I have isnt sexy enough. I told him that even though its not usually my thing that if he bought something he would like to see me in, that I would be happy to wear it for him. This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him. He also got pissed off because he wanted me to go into the shop and buy the condoms to somehow prove how keen I was to have sex with him and then got sulky when I refused. He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything" which quite frankly completely has the complete opposite effect and turns me off even more. Instead of being encouraging, he is demanding in what he feels he should be entitled to in bed which is a total turnoff.

Fuck that @Aurelia278

absolutely fuck that

Every time you post it highlights that he has dripped dripped dripped his wants slowly erasing yours and has been using emotional guilt manipulation when he hits a wall so as to ground down your boundaries slowly so you don't notice but enough that eventually you stop seeing that it is his behaviour that is making you uncomfortable rather than as it probably feels at the time you are upset because you upset him and you "should" be wanting to do x or wear y or feel z etc

You deserve much better than this, you really really do.

@Teensandfuture

I know I want to have sex on my birthday, it's part of the overall birthday treat. I'd be pretty upset if my OH didn't think of pleasuring me in that way on my birthday and would reconsider the relationship myself.

So you expect your daughter to open her legs and let a man have sex with her, because it’s his birthday, even if she doesn’t want to? Even if he’s been childish, hasn’t washed for a week, they’re having problems in their relationship, she has worries on her mind, stomach ramps, or actually ANYTHING that causes her not to want sex? She must just have sex to keep him happy?

Ive been here and it only gets worse. Get out OP.

Oh god

Apart from anything else, he sounds really stingy, refusing to buy condoms, etc. What a grabby scrote he is: getting OP to spend £££ on his birthday celebrations and then booting her out without so much as a thank you.

I can completely understand being disappointed, but I also cannot imagine wanting to have sex with someone who was exhausted, and feeling over fed.

Surely a natural response would be to go to sleep, and maybe see how things went in the morning?

Of course, NONE of this applies to your boyfriend because he is obviously a huge tossed, which your following posts reveal to be the case.

Cut your loses, you’re not married, he’s comparing you to old girlfriends (which is not great full stop, but when you’re coming out the bad guy?!), and getting petulant. I’m afraid this is the first steps onto an extremely unpleasant slippery slope.

Give him the best birthday present ever. The freedom to find someone who is just like his ex-girlfriend .