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Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2020 00:46

@Teensandfuture

I know I want to have sex on my birthday, it's part of the overall birthday treat. I'd be pretty upset if my OH didn't think of pleasuring me in that way on my birthday and would reconsider the relationship myself.
Seriously?

If I was your OH I would seriously reconsider the relationship if these are your 'expectations'. Sex should be a mutual and joyous coming together. It is not, at any time, a 'right'. Not even on one's birthday.

Teensandfuture · 27/09/2020 00:48

What's not OK exactly?
To have my birthday the way I want? If my idea of perfect birthday celebration includes passionate sex, then that's my idea.
If my partner can't make me happy on my special day once a year , what's the point of the relationship?

Any other day is completely different story.

MonkeyPuddle · 27/09/2020 00:50

@Teensandfuture because people who aren’t utter dickheads don’t make other people have sex when they don’t want to have sex.
You know, entering into a sexual act with consent and all that. Not coercion.

FlorenceNightshade · 27/09/2020 00:50

@Teensandfuture what’s not ok? Oh you know just consent, respect, not being a bloody sex robot

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 27/09/2020 00:52

@Teensandfuture

What's not OK exactly? To have my birthday the way I want? If my idea of perfect birthday celebration includes passionate sex, then that's my idea. If my partner can't make me happy on my special day once a year , what's the point of the relationship?

Any other day is completely different story.

You do not have a right to sex love. On your bday, Christmas or even for the Second coming.
ComtesseDeSpair · 27/09/2020 00:53

How often do you actually have sex? What else is wrong in your relationship?

Because if the answer to the former is “not that often”, and you have a number of other issues, your problem is much more to do with that, than tonight.

I don’t think spending £300 on a birthday meal compensates if somebody feels undesirable and unfulfilled because their partner doesn’t want intimacy or sex with them. That goes for both sexes. Money doesn’t make up for what else is lacking. It sounds like you need to talk properly.

gluteustothemaximus · 27/09/2020 00:54

Wondering what to do if on my period when it's DH's birthday? Maybe just get on with it because it's part of the birthday law to have sex, whether you want to or not? Hmm

OP. Ditch this one. There's someone else out there who will treat you better.

slashlover · 27/09/2020 00:54

What's not OK exactly?
To have my birthday the way I want? If my idea of perfect birthday celebration includes passionate sex, then that's my idea.
If my partner can't make me happy on my special day once a year , what's the point of the relationship?

There's a word for having 'passionate sex' with someone who doesn't want it.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 27/09/2020 00:58

@ComtesseDeSpair

How often do you actually have sex? What else is wrong in your relationship?

Because if the answer to the former is “not that often”, and you have a number of other issues, your problem is much more to do with that, than tonight.

I don’t think spending £300 on a birthday meal compensates if somebody feels undesirable and unfulfilled because their partner doesn’t want intimacy or sex with them. That goes for both sexes. Money doesn’t make up for what else is lacking. It sounds like you need to talk properly.

No one has a right to sex. Feelings do not trump bodily autonomy.

He can end the relationship if he's that "unfulfilled ". What he can't do is pressure OP for sex or punish her when she says no.

Frownette · 27/09/2020 00:59

OP didn't feel right when they got back so he should have respected that, no matter how disappointed he was

widespreadpanic · 27/09/2020 00:59

Men that have tantrums and sulk because they don’t get sex are unattractive. You should move on from this prick.

Teensandfuture · 27/09/2020 01:02

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ComtesseDeSpair · 27/09/2020 01:03

I don’t think anything in my post implies anybody has a “right” to sex. But I know that if there wasn’t much sex in my relationship, I’d feel pretty miserable if my partner thought going out for expensive dinner was supposed to be just as good.

Which is why I asked the OP how much arc was happening in her relationship. Maybe it’s frequent and her OH is therefore a dick. Maybe it’s very rare, and there are therefore far deeper problems in their relationship. If you aren’t having sex with your partner (a short blip notwithstanding) and aren’t in mutual agreement that it’s what you both want, then you more than likely have other issues which need addressing; or you need to separate.

MonkeyPuddle · 27/09/2020 01:04

OP wasn’t saying she wants the relationship just on her terms though. Just that she was tired and had a full belly and didn’t fancy a shag.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/09/2020 01:05

@Teensandfuture

So how many boyfriends have dumped you shortly after your birthday then?

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2020 01:07

Ugh. He sounds juvenile and not hugely interested in your full consent.

Doesn’t sound like a good relationship at all.

DandyMandy · 27/09/2020 01:07

He sounds horrible, OP. You're allowed to not want sex unlike what some other posters are saying. Ignore them and their obvious issues with consent. If I was you, I'd finish with him. Good luck.

thesecangettofuck · 27/09/2020 01:08

Jesus ignore teens. What's the point of arguing with a rapist.

Op he's tried to coerce you into sex in the past. This is not a relationship worth saving and no you're not in the wrong. I'm glad you didn't have sex just to shut him up.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 27/09/2020 01:09

@Teensandfuture

you don't have right to sex

Well, OP doesn't have a right to relationship on her terms only either.

If he feels she doesn't fulfil his needs and he's disappointed, he can exit this relationship. Nobody should be staying in relationship which isn't happy: that's favourite mumsnet saying..
To many this birthday sex thing is a minor thing and he's an utter twat for wanting it. How dare he lol!

I agree. OP should definitely exit the relationship. For her own safety ..mental,emotional and physical.
Inkpaperstars · 27/09/2020 01:09

If my partner can't make me happy on my special day once a year , what's the point of the relationship?

If there is no point to your relationship other than (possibly coerced) sex on one day of the year then yes....you do need to end it!

In a relationship where you actually care about the other person and value what they bring to your life every day, whether or not sex occurs on one night is not a issue.

He sounds shallow and shit OP...ditch him, sorry it's going nowhere and you sound like you could do SO much better.

Teensandfuture · 27/09/2020 01:12

pyon
None, believe it or not
I've never actually had a similar problem in my life as anyone I was with did make my birthday special, same as I theirs, in and out of bedroom.

Just a practical suggestion :do have your birthday sex before going out for dinner, that way no stake can interfere with desire 😁

BlueThistles · 27/09/2020 01:14

It was his birthday. Birthday sex is non negotiable really, you should have made some effort.
Any other day - no, he would be unreasonable.

okay.... I'm actually speechless 🤔

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2020 01:14

I find it very alarming you haven't dumped this arsehole already. Raise your standards for how you expect to be treated.

user1471448866 · 27/09/2020 01:15

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Rocaille · 27/09/2020 01:22

He sounds like utter trash.