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Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
GreyishDays · 27/09/2020 07:34

He does sound awful but I also think the whole dynamic sounds a bit off.

If he’s your boyfriend, why don’t you just have some condoms in? Him saying you could go early is really shitty, but wouldn’t you have sex in the morning?

I can also see he would have been really disappointed. But he was still shitty about it.

If you don’t initiate much and he’s harassing you for sex, is it because you just don’t fancy him? Obviously he shouldn’t be harassing you.

Hope you manage to have a good think about it all.

candourclegane · 27/09/2020 07:35

@Aurelia278

I think the issue is less to do with how often and more that he wants more effort from my side to spice things up. He wants me to start dressing up and said that the underwear I have isnt sexy enough. I told him that even though its not usually my thing that if he bought something he would like to see me in, that I would be happy to wear it for him. This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him. He also got pissed off because he wanted me to go into the shop and buy the condoms to somehow prove how keen I was to have sex with him and then got sulky when I refused. He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything" which quite frankly completely has the complete opposite effect and turns me off even more. Instead of being encouraging, he is demanding in what he feels he should be entitled to in bed which is a total turnoff.
Honestly OP, please dump him. This is horrible behaviour.
mathanxiety · 27/09/2020 07:42

Run, don't walk.

What he has in mind is something out of a porno, and his idea of sex is grossly immature. You have all the right orifices for sex, which is all that matters to him about you.

Look on the £300 you spent on his birthday as the price of a lucky escape.

Beautiful3 · 27/09/2020 07:46

Thats not a good sign op.

Hailtomyteeth · 27/09/2020 07:46

Think of the £300 as an investment in your future. You spent it, you found out what a twat he is, you can dump him and move on with your life.

Having said that, if someone had 'treated' me all day, if we'd talked about sex and bought condoms, I'd be looking forward to a shag and would be disappointed if it didn't happen.

The important part to remember is how he treated you at that point - if you weren't offering sex, you weren't worth having around. Your value to him is as a sex-provider. A vessel. Oh. Move on.

CharDee · 27/09/2020 07:46

Hope you're ok this morning @Aurelia278

I'm sorry he has treated you like this and agree with others than you can do better.

On DH's last birthday I made him a lovely meal (pubs and restaurants were still closed so I made our own in the garden) got his favourite drinks in and made a cake. We usually have a very active sex life but he had been working nights and I was stressed over lockdown and homeschooling so it had been nearly 2 weeks since we had last dtd, which is very unusual for us. Anyway, things started heating up downstairs so we went up and the second I got in to bed I got really tired suddenly but felt guilty as things had already started and it was his birthday.

He saw me yawn and stopped and asked if I was tired. I said I was and he just lay down with me and said I needed to sleep and we can have sex when we're both up for it. I said something along the lines of "But it's your birthday! What about birthday sex? And we haven't had sex in a while." And he just said "So?"

It didn't ruin his birthday and he didn't try and talk me in to it or make me feel like he deserved sex because it was his day.

Your boyfriend sounds like an idiot. How can he not realise that you hearing about his exes in bed isn't a turn on?! You didn't ruin anything and don't owe him anything!

mathanxiety · 27/09/2020 07:47

Birthday sex is non negotiable really,

And just like that, we women are right back where we started.

You are talking about rape, @Teensandfuture. You are talking about the right of men to use the bodies of women regardless of the lack of enthusiastic consent.

The idea of sex as a performance women put on for men, entertainment that they are entitled to, is warped and disgusting, and it comes straight from porn.

DeliaOwens · 27/09/2020 07:49

OP. My takeaway from this is that this relationship is just too much work. He sound a little to entitled to his physical needs and wants you to fulfil those needs. Turn on your heel and sprint away. Don't give him anymore space in your head.

ReadyforTakeOff · 27/09/2020 07:49

Most young guys think like this at some point. Doesn't make it right but that's men in some ways. Porn, being with mates etc leads to this sort of mindset.

Frownette · 27/09/2020 07:51

@mathanxiety it's one of the oddest things I've read on here

skodadoda · 27/09/2020 07:51

OP, if his exs were ‘up for anything’ why are they exs?

HattonsMustard · 27/09/2020 07:52

I can't believe teens has managed to not have a period, been pregnant or ill on their birthday or their partner's birthday.

I have been on bed rest with DS2 on DH's birthday and 38 weeks pregnant for my own with the bed rest baby!

Sex is not an obligation, it should be freely given. You are not solely a playground for him. It would seem he thinks it is all about him and I wonder if he is giving toward your needs and wishes during sex.

ToastedEnglishMuffin · 27/09/2020 07:53

This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him.

Tight and a nasty bloke. I wouldn't be seeing him again.

skodadoda · 27/09/2020 07:53

@lborgia

It actually really worries me that *@Teensandfuture* may in fact be parenting teens, with this attitude. Just awful. Either raising girls who feel they have to capitulate because of what day of the year it is, or boys who think that sex is a right, and theirs to take. Ugh.
It worries me too.
JudyGemstone · 27/09/2020 07:54

Some women do genuinely really enjoy dressing up etc. I certainly used to (when I could fit into my stockings!😬)

I also think I'd be mildly disappointed with a birthday night away with no sex. I wouldn't be a dick about it though.

I'm not sure you are compatible. The way he has handled things is immature and ineffective but I imagine he thinks you aren't bothered about sex with him and tbh that kind of seems like this case?

Oh and yes on special occasions always Fuck First!

cctvrec · 27/09/2020 07:54

@Teensandfuture Yay! Birthday rape! The bestest kind!

Are you for real?

Beefcurtains79 · 27/09/2020 07:55

“Most young guys think like this at some point. Doesn't make it right but that's men in some ways. Porn, being with mates etc leads to this sort of mindset”

Only really, really scummy ones. You might want to consider changing your social circle if you think this is normal.

MinesAPintOfTea · 27/09/2020 07:56

@ReadyforTakeOff

Most young guys think like this at some point. Doesn't make it right but that's men in some ways. Porn, being with mates etc leads to this sort of mindset.
And they should learn not to share that thought process with their partners because coercive behaviour is cruel and illegal.
Sassanacs · 27/09/2020 08:00

Big red flag for me. You shouldn't be coerced, blackmailed or forced into sex at any point EVER. It is NEVER ok.

I'm assuming you are both fairly young or if not he has developed some strange ideas about a woman's rights and control over her own body. He sounds at the best entitled and at the worst manipulative.

I'd take the £300 on the chin and dump the twat. There are much nicer, respectful guys out there.

WiserOwl · 27/09/2020 08:00

He is manipulative. Using sulking to get sex.
His exes were up for anything? Oh yeh. Right.
Id wish him good luck with the women who are up for anything.

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 08:05

He sounds absolutely disgusting and is training you OP.
Believe me and the other posters that say this will only get worse. Much worse.

And for the other poster that is condoning this because of a birthday, she obviously has never been sexually assaulted to be writing such disgusting advice to another woman.

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 08:09

Also next time it won't be a birthday excuse, it will something else. It will always be something else. Sex is control to him and you will obey.

Walk away now.

Lex345 · 27/09/2020 08:09

Birthday sex is non negotiable Confused

I am trying hard to think of a time when I have read a sentence more singularly disturbing than this. Consent is not a negotiation, it is either given enthusiastically or it is not really given at all.

CrunchyCarrot · 27/09/2020 08:10

Give him his marching orders. He's just a boyfriend now and this should have been him at his nicest, but no, he's pressuring you for sex and then going into a giant sulk! Just think what he'd be like if you were living together!

cctvrec · 27/09/2020 08:10

@poppeeee

No ones entitled to sex obviously!!!

But just sounds like you think your amazing spending all this money on him like that's all that matters. He just seems like the person who would prefer a cheap takeaway. Please don't think I would condone unconsentual sex

Huh?

What are you reading? He seems like the type of person who would be happy with a takeaway? Where on earth did op imply that? She spent £300 on a birthday out for him. She bought his meals, went shopping and paid for the things he picked (we call that birthday presents). She treated him to a full day, paying for everything. He'd had a good day. He ruined it by demanding more.

OP, so YOU have to make the effort to dress yourself up, preen yourself and make yourself sexually attractive for him. What exactly does the lord and master do to make himself attractive for you? Fuck all I'll bet.