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Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 28/09/2020 22:16

I don’t see anything wrong with putting in some extra effort to try and make sure your partner feels loved and wanted on their birthday especially if sex is their favourite thing

Oh there are plenty of people on here who think if you're never in the mood until you get started then you should be celibate instead of ploughing through that first hurdle

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/09/2020 22:23

@BubblyBarbara

I don’t see anything wrong with putting in some extra effort to try and make sure your partner feels loved and wanted on their birthday especially if sex is their favourite thing

Oh there are plenty of people on here who think if you're never in the mood until you get started then you should be celibate instead of ploughing through that first hurdle

Plough through

Yes that sounds like great sex 👍🏼🙄

You can continue to have sex that you don't want to have. No one is stopping you but please stop pushing the narrative that other women should.

BlueThistles · 28/09/2020 22:23

christ... this Thread is appalling ..

I actually hope OP isn't reading these replies.

Mittens030869 · 28/09/2020 22:32

You can continue to have sex that you don't want to have. No one is stopping you but please stop pushing the narrative that other women should.

^Absolutely. That's the issue here. No woman should be told that she's not unreasonable to say no if she doesn't want sex. And as for comparing consenting to sex with a birthday meal out, well there's no comparison at all.

RelaisBlu · 28/09/2020 22:38

ploughing through that first hurdle

Even when you're trying to sell the idea, you make it sound completely unappealing BubblyBarbara

BlueThistles · 28/09/2020 22:39

You can continue to have sex that you don't want to have. No one is stopping you but please stop pushing the narrative that other women should.

this 🌺

Mittens030869 · 28/09/2020 22:46

Whoops, I've just realised that I posted the opposite of what I meant. I meant that no woman should be made feel that she's unreasonable to say she doesn't want sex if she isn't up for it at that moment.

newnameforthis123 · 28/09/2020 22:51

Ploughing through. Christ.

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/09/2020 23:26

Having to "plough through" would tell me I'm having sex with the wrong person.😬💩

Hariboqueen1 · 29/09/2020 08:11

So all the usernames are already taken can I just ask you a hypothetical question. Say a man gives his wife foreplay a few times a week and she enjoys it but she hasn’t given him foreplay in a few months because she can’t really be bothered and doesn’t feel like it. Do you think that’s ok then? Do you not think she’s being lazy and should put some effort in?

And if she did do it she would only being doing it to make her partner happy she cant really be bothered but she likes it herself. Would that be wrong of her then? To do it anyway? She would be ‘ploughing’ through so I guess that’s not good..

Hariboqueen1 · 29/09/2020 08:13

In my personal opinion sex is effort sometimes. Our brains are programmed to use as little effort as possible in our daily lives. Sometimes it’s easier to sit and watch the tv then go and get sweaty and move around with you partner. When life gets in the way and I’m feeling tired and can’t be bothered I sometimes still try and make the effort to get in the mood and stay close and connected to my partner. Maybe I’m very different to all of you and I feel lazy sometimes. Maybe you can’t get in the mood as easy as me. But I honestly feel that its the key to a long lasting loving marriage. Not letting life get in the way of sex.

midsummabreak · 29/09/2020 08:23

Rather have an honest relationship thanks that faking fun sex.

midsummabreak · 29/09/2020 08:24

*than

Colourmeclear · 29/09/2020 08:31

Sexual contact where you aren't really in the mood but you want your partner to be happy in a relationship where there are no painful consequences of not having sexual contact is fine. You made a choice and you can continue to have the option to revoke consent. You can have an open and honest discussion with your partner and if a boundary is crossed you both try to understand eachother and repair the damage. You are working together.

In a sexually abusive and coercive relationships there are no choices. There are only risk based decisions.

Mittens030869 · 29/09/2020 08:54

In a sexually abusive and coercive relationships there are no choices. There are only risk based decisions.

^This with bells on. It isn't the same as a loving partner wanting to please their OH despite not being in the mood. If they're genuinely choosing to do this, there's no issue here.

But this isn't a healthy relationship, so your experiences don't apply here.

msflibble · 29/09/2020 08:54

He's a massive twat. Ditch him and ask to be reimbursed for the money you wasted on him. You do not owe a man sex just because it's his birthday.

Hariboqueen1 · 29/09/2020 08:58

It is not faking it. Sometimes I plan to go out with my friends, on the night I’m not in the mood. But I have a few drinks anyway and then get in the mood and go out and have the best night. So I’ve faked my whole evening have I? I had fake fun with all my friends because I originally couldn’t be bothered to go out. Ok then.

Hariboqueen1 · 29/09/2020 09:03

I know this mittens it’s NOT the same at all but people on here are saying that I have been sexual coerced into thinking you should occasionally put some effort in your sex life. Which is just baffling to me.

Aerial2020 · 29/09/2020 09:03

@Hariboqueen1

In my personal opinion sex is effort sometimes. Our brains are programmed to use as little effort as possible in our daily lives. Sometimes it’s easier to sit and watch the tv then go and get sweaty and move around with you partner. When life gets in the way and I’m feeling tired and can’t be bothered I sometimes still try and make the effort to get in the mood and stay close and connected to my partner. Maybe I’m very different to all of you and I feel lazy sometimes. Maybe you can’t get in the mood as easy as me. But I honestly feel that its the key to a long lasting loving marriage. Not letting life get in the way of sex.
THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS THE OPs SITUATION.

Jeeze.

Aerial2020 · 29/09/2020 09:04

@Hariboqueen1

It is not faking it. Sometimes I plan to go out with my friends, on the night I’m not in the mood. But I have a few drinks anyway and then get in the mood and go out and have the best night. So I’ve faked my whole evening have I? I had fake fun with all my friends because I originally couldn’t be bothered to go out. Ok then.
So first it was food being compared to entitled sex and now it's drinks Hmm
Hariboqueen1 · 29/09/2020 09:08

Yes that’s right aerial.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/09/2020 09:33

@Hariboqueen1

Yes that’s right aerial.
SHE DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX. SHE DID NOT WANT TO GET IN THE MOOD. SHE DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX AT ALL.

To punish her, she was thrown out of the house. That is sexual coercion. Next time, she might be more likely to go along with the sex because she wants to avoid the confrontation as she has been COERCED.

You agreeing to plough through and have sex you don't want to have us up to you. Assuming that you're not simply doing it because you fear your partner's reaction. It's not my idea of a healthy or fulfilling sex life but it's your choice and not coercion.

You are the one conflating the two and not understanding when a woman says "no" it's not ok to push the issue or punish her.

Let's give you a simple metaphor which is in-keeping with your food obsession...

A woman who cooks her husband's favourite meal because she wants to is vastly different to the woman who cooks his favourite meal because she terrified of his reaction if she doesn't.

Hariboqueen1 · 29/09/2020 09:46

No it’s not ok to push someone into having sex. I’ve said that already he was out of order for how he acted 🤷‍♀️ And she should get rid of him.

Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 29/09/2020 10:10

@Hariboqueen1

So all the usernames are already taken can I just ask you a hypothetical question. Say a man gives his wife foreplay a few times a week and she enjoys it but she hasn’t given him foreplay in a few months because she can’t really be bothered and doesn’t feel like it. Do you think that’s ok then? Do you not think she’s being lazy and should put some effort in?

And if she did do it she would only being doing it to make her partner happy she cant really be bothered but she likes it herself. Would that be wrong of her then? To do it anyway? She would be ‘ploughing’ through so I guess that’s not good..

That’s nothing like the OPs situation though! If the husband in this scenario was getting angry and guilt tripping the wife for not giving him foreplay the answers would be the same, because that’s coercive. If the husband said “hey look I’d really like it if our sex life could be a bit more reciprocal” and approached it in a calm and diplomatic way, totally different. If she really hated foreplay that much she shouldn’t be forced to do it but the husband would then have to make a decision on whether he’s happy with that.
differentnameforthis · 29/09/2020 10:18

@Hariboqueen1

Ok well thats fine. We both strive to make each other happy in all aspects of life him probably him more than me and it works for us.

Different name for this- must just be us then. We like to make love to feel intimate and close with each other. I think its a really personal amazing way to show how much we love each other. Also orgasms are a really good feeling so theres that. Its both our favourite thing. So on our birthday we make an effort and we have sex. I understand other couples may not use their bodies for this but we do.

You know what, we are talking about totally different things.

We all know about sex, orgasms, how amazing it can be...we are talking about people who partake in sex because it is expected and feel that they cannot say no on a birthday/Christmas or like me, the day before I left for a weekend break...

What you and your partner have works for you, but if at any time one of you doesn't want sex, but does it anyway, or the other persuades them, then it fails to be a consensual practice and isn't "amazing" at all.

I don't know if you are deliberately missing the point, but your post has nothing to do with coerced sex.

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