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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 23:13

Sorry. That was terrible English/grammar.

What I mean to say was

Fuck off with your ridiculous and inappropriate mansplaining @newtb

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 23:15

I wonder whether newtb will be back to tell us water is wet, and other pointless things. I can rest easy at night now they've imparted their pearls of wisdom.

SoulofanAggron · 27/09/2020 23:18

I honestly thought a lot of women felt like that sometimes! Cant be bothered but it’s good when it’s gets going

@Hariboqueen1 Yes, it's still not the best sex though, and it's not as psychologically pleasant as starting to have sex when you're horny. The feeling of 'having to'/feeling an obligation to have sex at any point is oppressive.

I thought women especially were more clued up to recognise what coercion looks like.

@KooKooKachu No, or we might not know the words or how 'not ok' it is. That's why so many of us stay in these situations for years. Or we can't see a way out because we think we love the guy etc etc.

I hope maybe it's improved a little in recent years- with more cultural visibility of issues of consent etc.

Haribo- as PP's said, yes, as PP's said, 'enjoyable' sexual activity can be rape, because the body can respond physically without the person fully consenting to what's happening to them. It happened to me when I was 15.

I felt ashamed that my body appeared to respond physiologically.

@CandyLeBonBon I think the vagina is constructed in such a way that it's very physically elastic and rarely dry enough for sex not to happen at all, regardless of one's state of mind (at least, that's my experience.) He wouldn't have cared of course, anyway. Sad Flowers

this wasn't rape, dear, was it?

@mbosnz Sad Sad Sad

The worst comment I've heard that wasn't aimed at me was from a judge in a marital rape case "It can't be sex on Tuesday,rape on Thursday and sex again on Sunday. It's either all rape or all sex.

It's so wrong. I reported a violent rape and because I went on to have sex with the bloke after a bit (I have bipolar and wasn't well at all) the CPS/police said 'no court in the land would convict.' Sad

I'm so sorry that so many of us have had experiences of rape/coerced sex (same difference really.) xxx

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble Flowers Your comments probably hold true to some extent for a lot of women.

This thread is an unpleasant read, but I hope it raises our consciousness, strengthens us, and makes us aware we're not alone in our experiences and life doesn't have to be this way.

Like a PP I recommend EMDR therapy for trauma, it's really good.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 23:26

Thanks @SoulofanAggron
I need to speak to my reinforcement support tomorrow so I'm going to ask him about this as I've been surprised at how strongly I've reacted to some of the comments on here. But as you said, hopefully it will have made people ponder on the issue with perhaps a bit more care.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 23:28

@KooKooKachu

I wonder whether newtb will be back to tell us water is wet, and other pointless things. I can rest easy at night now they've imparted their pearls of wisdom.
Oh we can only hope for such enlightenment 😂
KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 23:35

@SoulofanAggron I've read your posts on many threads and you always speak so much sense.
After this thread, I've come to the conclusion many women don't recognise coercion. It can be destabilizing when you are in the thick of it too. I recognised what was happening to me in my experiences, but there were many times I questioned it myself. I posted about my experience on here a while ago and many people were supportive. But the stand out ones were the ones telling me to try and look at things from my (now ex) partners perspective even though I was being physically sexually abused repeatedly. That can mess with your head too and make you blame yourself or make you think it's not as bad as it really is.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 23:37

@KooKooKachu I'm sorry you went through that Thanks

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 23:39

Thanks Candy

RelaisBlu · 28/09/2020 00:02

I can't believe in the year 2020 I have read the words "she led him on" in this thread. I haven't heard that phrase for decades. Do people still think like this??

BubblyBarbara · 28/09/2020 00:03

No one should be forced or coerced to do anything they don't want to do.

However, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, so if even disappointment isn't allowed then you can't really be disappointed if DP is making you think they'll be taking you on a nice holiday or romantic meal or some similar thing then the hour before they say oh I don't want to do that.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/09/2020 00:04

But @BubblyBarbara that's not what happened

BubblyBarbara · 28/09/2020 00:07

Abstract it away to any situation where it appeared one thing was going to happen but the other party decided against it at the relevant time. Absolutely their right! Absolutely correct! But.. it's not merely sex this can occur with and it can happen in both directions in a relationship. Getting over this fact is just part of being mature imo

CandyLeBonBon · 28/09/2020 00:33

@BubblyBarbara getting over what is about maturity? Your comment wasn't clear.

CorianderLord · 28/09/2020 01:02

@Teensandfuture why? So birthday sex is non negotiable? You think that because it's the anniversary of him being shot out of a vagina he must be allowed to enter one? Is a mans life purely vagina invasion?

CorianderLord · 28/09/2020 01:05

@ReadyforTakeOff none of my male friends think this, I'm 25, and they're quite the feminist lot. Only weirdos and scum think this way

AcrossthePond55 · 28/09/2020 01:16

Here is the bottom line truth and what I taught my sons:

A person's body is theirs to give to or withhold from any person, at any time, and for any reason. Or for no reason at all.

No means no 365 days of the year. Yes means yes but only until it turns into a no. And a no overrules a yes every time.

EKGEMS · 28/09/2020 01:23

Reading the comments on this thread makes me wonder if there's some sort of competition to be the cover model on Abnormal Psychology journal?!

SoulofanAggron · 28/09/2020 01:29

@EKGEMS Who are the candidates, in your book?

MummytoCSJH · 28/09/2020 01:54

@CandyLeBonBon think that poster means accepting the fact your partner might not want sex when you do and is allowed to change their mind at any time.

Holy fuck at the responses on this thread. Disgusting. Manipulation does not equal consent.

Myohmy111 · 28/09/2020 06:08

I admit that I would be disappointed if I didn’t have sex on my birthday when my DH knew I wanted to - especially if we’d spoken about it during the evening, part of the build up to it and we’d bought condoms. So I empathise with his disappointment. That’s where I feel people have been harsh. That said, he reacted to his disappointment in an entirely disproportionate way. Of course he’s not entitled to it.

KooKooKachu · 28/09/2020 07:05

@BubblyBarbara

Abstract it away to any situation where it appeared one thing was going to happen but the other party decided against it at the relevant time. Absolutely their right! Absolutely correct! But.. it's not merely sex this can occur with and it can happen in both directions in a relationship. Getting over this fact is just part of being mature imo
I've yet to see where going for a romantic meal then changing your mind at the last minute leads to a physical invasion of someone else's body, or makes the person who cancelled it feel like a sex worker as opposed to partner. The lack of empathy on this thread is astounding.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/09/2020 07:33

@Myohmy111

I admit that I would be disappointed if I didn’t have sex on my birthday when my DH knew I wanted to - especially if we’d spoken about it during the evening, part of the build up to it and we’d bought condoms. So I empathise with his disappointment. That’s where I feel people have been harsh. That said, he reacted to his disappointment in an entirely disproportionate way. Of course he’s not entitled to it.
It's the reaction that makes it sexual coercion. The feeling of disappointment itself doesn't. It's like with any form of abuse. One partner can feel angry, jealous, disappointed, upset with the other. Fine, that's normal. What they can't do is use emotional blackmail, threaten, hit, demean etc. to punish their partner or to express their feelings.
EarthSight · 28/09/2020 09:03

One of the alarm bells for me is that he was only physically affectionate when he thought he was getting sex. Affection shouldn't be dependent on sex. Have you considered that's so bitter over your sex life that he's almost punishing you by withdrawing something he knows you want?

This relationship doesn't have a healthy future (and that thing about his ex girlfriends being up for anything is most likely bollocks). Do you want have years of this?

BlueThistles · 28/09/2020 10:24

One of the alarm bells for me is that he was only physically affectionate when he thought he was getting sex. Affection shouldn't be dependent on sex.

I thought this too 🌺

blisstwins · 28/09/2020 10:39

Setting up tests, trying to turn you into something you are not, and harming your mental health through comparisons? This guy is bad news. I would not waste more time or money on him. You sound lovely, btw. You seem generous, kind, and thoughtful. Don’t let him affect you like this. He is not a keeper and it will show in other areas soon enough.