Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

[Aurelia278]

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

@Teensandfutureyou did say all of that. I suggest you educate yourself and stop spouting nonsense

I can't imagine pouting, sulking and dramatically showing my partner the door because they had the temerity not to want sex when I wanted it. The sense of entitlement that must take. But it's my birthday!

Yes dear, that's why you've had nice presents, a lovely day out, and now I'm bloody knackered, I ate rather more rich food than I'm used to, and it's given me gas, and I'm sorry, I'm really not up for a nice bout of swinging from the chandeliers.

I rather think his attitude would put quite a dampener on my desire to have sex with him going forwards.

We're not talking here about strangers and rape, although some pps gladly bringing up rape references into this situation.

Wow. Yes, other posters and I "gladly" brought up our personal trauma and experiences. I had an absolute ball discussing my rape and I'm sure others did too.

Try combining your own opinion with a little bit of sensitivity and empathy. You might find you don't sound quite so cold and misogynist then.

Because OP thinks her feelings on the matter more important than his and he's being unreasonable ? His feelings just as important as hers, not more not less.

Her "no" is more important than his "yes". No always means no. Being disappointed is understandable, of course. Being coercive is wrong, always. Every time. You keep comparing it to being disappointed but he wasn't disappointed, he was angry.

He was angry a woman said no to having sex with him. If you can't see the difference between those two things - one of which this thread was about (him being angry) and one of which it wasn't (him being 'just' disappointed) then it may be you who needs to have a think about reading comprehension, not others.

newname
So anger=coercion now?

I've also shared my personal experience about rape, please don't try to tell you have more right to talk about rape and linking it to this scenario then me denying the link exists.
He did not rape her. End of story.

Um, has anyone said he raped her?

There is a spectrum, surely, of sexual behaviours that range from the unpleasant, unattractive, to the downright criminal.

I would suggest that being anywhere on that spectrum should potentially indicate a very big red flag as to what future behaviour could escalate to.

It does speak to a sense of entitlement.

@Teensandfuture

Literally nobody has said he raped her. Obviously, as they didn't have sex on the occasion she mentioned.

I haven't said I have more right to speak about it than you. I said you have displayed zero empathy and sound cold and misogynist.

I'll leave it there I think and agree to disagree.

@Teensandfuture

newname So anger=coercion now?

I've also shared my personal experience about rape, please don't try to tell you have more right to talk about rape and linking it to this scenario then me denying the link exists.
He did not rape her. End of story.

No one said he did?

I’d be gutted if it was my birthday and I thought we was going back to try something that I wanted too then got turned down...on my birthday! Bet it stung him a bit.

I wouldn’t moan and strop about it but I’d probably have a little cry in the loo, but maybe men don’t get upset like that and get angry instead, I don’t know.

It’s horrible being turnt down, a little soul destroying when it happens 2/3 times, but nothing you can do about it really. Your boyfriend needs to suck it up or leave and find someone else.

Don’t think the £300 is anything to do with this situation at all.

comeon

no one said he did?

Then why there's a reference to rape throughout whole thread?
It should be irrelevant to this discussion but it turned out central.

Dissapointed =angry =no consent=coersive =rapist

Actually only link between 1st 2 is clear, the rest is made up by lovely pps

I think you're the one that's starting to make things up, and put words in other people's mouths, teens.

"Lovely pps?"

Goodness you're snide. As I said I think I'm going to leave other posters to speak to you as I think it's a fruitless task.

Misogyny is something so engrained in people they can't listen to anything else and take it on board.

@Teensandfuture

comeon

no one said he did?

Then why there's a reference to rape throughout whole thread?
It should be irrelevant to this discussion but it turned out central.

Dissapointed =angry =no consent=coersive =rapist

Actually only link between 1st 2 is clear, the rest is made up by lovely pps

Because behaviour,especially red flag behaviour escalates.

Stropping over sex, demanding certain act from OP, demanding she shows she wants him with certain gestures etc are ALL red flags. Sexual,controlling,demanding,coercive red flags.

He's already pushing her boundaries. Do you really believe he'll stop here?

I can't get over the endless references to his sodding birthday! For God's sake do adults really strop about special treatment "because it's my birthday" like this?? To me there's something almost creepy in this awful build-up to Sex Worthy Of A Big Birthday Treat - I'd find it a massive turn-off (though obviously all other aspects of his behaviour are much more seriously utterly repellent)

Birthdays are very special in our family, but to a point. That point is there is an expectation that a fuss is made, as per our family culture. This can take many forms - good food, good wine, a wonderful experience (patting a cheetah for my fortieth - amaaaazing!), lots of love and expressions of appreciation, lovely presents, sometimes making love - depends on what everyone's resources are at the time of the birthday. But if a party doesn't feel like sex, then that is not a problem, because both of us are very firm that we only ever want to have sex if the other person also genuinely wants to have sex, we both hate the idea of duty booty.

Do you really believe he'll stop here?

He actually DID stop.
He told her to leave in the morning

Has OP not been back??

@RelaisBlu

I agree. I don't have much sympathy for adults caring about their birthdays to such an extent. It's only children who care this much surely??

@Teensandfuture

No, it wasn't rape, quite obviously. But it was coercive of the bf to react the way he did, the way he got angry and told the OP to leave.

Also the insistence on the OP should buy the condoms and the sexy lingerie herself to prove how keen she was. That all seems very misogynistic. Of course it isn't rape, but it's very coercive.

mitten
He got angry and told her to leave.
In my book it's ending relationship not coercing op to have sexual intercourse with her.

Men are usually straighttforward in their communication.

@Teensandfuture

mitten He got angry and told her to leave. In my book it's ending relationship not coercing op to have sexual intercourse with her.

Men are usually straighttforward in their communication.

Wrong. He told her to go as there's no point in her being there. Because she wouldn't have sex.

That's not ending it, that's making someone feel like shit because they won't do what you want when they want.

I’d be gutted if it was my birthday and I thought we was going back to try something that I wanted too then got turned down...on my birthday! Bet it stung him a bit.

I genuinely cannot fathom why this would bother you so much .. honestly 🌺

Men are usually straighttforward in their communication
you think so?
I find that some people are straightforward and some arent but it's not a gender thing.

@Teensandfuture

Do you really believe he'll stop here?

He actually DID stop.
He told her to leave in the morning

And yes as we established about 5 pages ago, he did this to train her. So next time she wont want to upset him. Because she will get the cold shoulder and the sulking. Along with the rest of the behaviour thay all adds up to corceive behaviour.

It is small steps so she will behave and it will happen so slowly that soon not saying no to him because of his moods will be normal. And this will seem a normal relationship to her.

He is testing her boundaries.

This is text book abusive training.

He's a selfish sullen brat. Bin.