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Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 27/09/2020 22:29

Ended up in a relationship where coercion and rape were just normal. They didn't feel like coercion or rape. They felt like my job as a woman.

@gluteustothemaximus You explain this manifestation of #rapeculture really well here. So sorry you had this experience and glad you're out the other side. Flowers Flowers

Ladies you all know that at times you feel you can’t be bothered but once you put the effort in it’s enjoyable!

@Hariboqueen1 Wow, just wow. No, just no. How you put this (starting by addressing us all) is like it's a command/entreatment, our duty, an imperative. It's not.

Sex should be when we want it- actually want it, from the start.

There's no moral duty on us to have sex when we don't want to.

If you’re not going to enjoy sex don’t have it!!!

But you're saying we should start having sex when we don't want it, in the hope we get into it once we get going. We have no way of knowing if we will or not. Sometimes we might, but that's probably not failsafe.

Having this sort of 'sex' does have a negative psychological effect.

mbosnz · 27/09/2020 22:29

All of us, men, women, all LGBTQ+, our bodies are our own. If we don't want sex, we don't have sex. If we are forced to have sex - those that do that, are the scum of the Earth - rapists. This is so if it's on their bloody birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or anything blood else. None of us, male, female, nobody owes anyone sex.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 22:32

For all and any women who have ever felt that you should/must/ought to, when you don't want to, and you don't have a partner who will just hug you and go, "that's ok. I love you, let's just spoon. And I'll be the small spoon, because all I need is to know we're together"

You're not wrong. You're not depriving anyone of anything, birthday celebration or not, and you certainly don't deserve to be made to feel like you've ruined anything.

In a healthy, loving and mutually respectful relationship, sex is a shared expression of love, vulnerability and intimacy. Not a commodity to be traded for points.

newnameforthis123 · 27/09/2020 22:32

@KooKooKachu

I feel almost lucky mine was violent and by a stranger.

Bloody hell Sad. I hope you're ok Flowers

Thank you, day to day I really am absolutely fine even about stuff like this in the news. EDMR was brilliant in case anyone else gets flashbacks or easily triggered - I generally don't now and I really do put it down to that. Something about this thread got to me, I think it's other women dismissing women's experiences. It's just so sad isn't it. Thanks
Shitfuckoh · 27/09/2020 22:34

I read some of this thread earlier & had to come away from it due to some of the comments. I've skipped some pages & read the last couple of pages and I must say, it's upsetting in 2020 that women feel like they need to 'shut up & put up'.
We don't, we really don't. It's not as easy when you're in that situation, it does grind you down & make you doubt everything - I won't go in to my story. All I'll say is, I hope some of these posters aren't raising children with the same thoughts/opinions. As a parent, that worries the hell out of me.

@newnameforthis123
I'm so sorry. What a horrible comment from someone who really should have known better. Flowers

Heffalooomia · 27/09/2020 22:35

Freezing is natural response to rape
yes faced with overwhelming trauma the unconscious takes over and it has 3 options, fight/flight/freeze.
If the unconscious calculates that the first 2 are not likely to save you then it selects freeze, aka 'play dead' until the predator has gone.

Sickofbroccoli · 27/09/2020 22:36

I'm so sorry he did that to you @CandyLeBonBon

Mine was in a relationship, and he knew how to make my body betray my mind. It's the hardest part to talk about, by far.

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 22:37

It is sad. You think women would be natural allies even if they havent been through it themselves. Turns out many don't even recognise the signs. I don't think porn culture helps though that's a different thread. I will be teaching my sons all about this stuff when the time comes and pray that I have done a good job.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 27/09/2020 22:37

My ex had me so well trained,so fucked up that I actually initiated it and at a certain point did things I said i never will.

He'd start awful arguments over trivial things and then give me the silent treatment,ignore me,refuse to be near me,touch me (even by mistake) etc unless I initiated sex. Then it would all be good again and I was forgiven and we'd have a cuddle after and oh so inlove.Hmm

Since I was already fucked up from other abuses (my mother and sexual from others) and needing "love" ,attention,a connection etc it worked pretty well for him.

DeliciouslyFemale · 27/09/2020 22:38

I actually felt a little sick reading your deleted comment, Hariboqueen1. I hope to Gaia, that no young woman, in a coercive relationship ever comes to you for advice.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 22:39

@Sickofbroccoli yes. I understand what you mean. I had similar. It's very damaging

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 27/09/2020 22:40

Oh and I never ever would have even thought about saying no to him. Which meant he always took it whenever he wanted it.

Like for example when I was bent over the bed changing the sheets. I was obviously just gagging for it in the middle of housework.

PickAChew · 27/09/2020 22:41

Hopefully he's an ex by now.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 22:42

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

Oh and I never ever would have even thought about saying no to him. Which meant he always took it whenever he wanted it.

Like for example when I was bent over the bed changing the sheets. I was obviously just gagging for it in the middle of housework.

Yep. Because apparently you're just gagging for it eh?
KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 22:43

@Aurelia278 I hope you are ok. If you've managed to bear with the thread, I hope you realise how wrong your bf is and get out whilst you can. Do not do anything you don't feel like doing.

Sickofbroccoli · 27/09/2020 22:47

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

My ex had me so well trained,so fucked up that I actually initiated it and at a certain point did things I said i never will.

He'd start awful arguments over trivial things and then give me the silent treatment,ignore me,refuse to be near me,touch me (even by mistake) etc unless I initiated sex. Then it would all be good again and I was forgiven and we'd have a cuddle after and oh so inlove.Hmm

Since I was already fucked up from other abuses (my mother and sexual from others) and needing "love" ,attention,a connection etc it worked pretty well for him.

This is so similar to my ex. I'd initiate it to break the tension, to stop the silent treatment, to get it out of the way or because he'd be gentler then he'd hold me after. And for control. If I agreed to it all, if I initiated it then he couldn't possibly rape me. It took me a long time to realise that consenting because you're afraid it will be worse if he has to make you means he's still raping you.
Dominicgoings · 27/09/2020 22:48

@mbosnz

Well, Gods knows, I know now from this that my daughters weren't making shit up about how fucking ignorant people of both sexes are about issues of consent, and rape, in this country are.
When there are mothers, potentially of sons as well as daughters, expressing the views that have been expressed on this thread, it’s no fucking wonder we have so, so far to go when it comes to consent.
CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 22:51

@Sickofbroccoli and @ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble
Yes. The insidious coercion is so pervasive.

It's the boiling frog analogy. If you've got childhood trauma well that's bound points because your boundaries will already be fucked.

I hope you're ok. These threads can be hard. Thanks

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 22:54

@mbosnz
You're right. Which is why I make sure all my kids are aware of what bodily autonomy means. Even if it's
'look, I know you're trying to be nice, but I just don't want a hug right now'

We all need to work on this

newtb · 27/09/2020 22:58

Sex like food appeals to the senses and is an appetite. Generally one satisfies the appetite - hunger, thirst or sex in an appropriate manner.

Think of prehistoric Cadbury's flake adverts. Subliminally they (may) have made people think of oral sex. Cars like the E-type jag, the Ford Capri in 3.0l version with it's long bonnet, Opel Manta GTE 2,0. They were sold on the basis of sex, especially the e-type with it's V12 engine - 12 cylinders, 12 pistons, if that's not a euphemism I don't know what is.

Betty's is a world famous tea room in Harrogate. My friend from Tokyo went there for a cookery course. So not completely unknown.

I hate cream and milk. I can just about tolerate cream whipped and sweetened. However, thinking about being with someone special, with whipped cream to put on their body and then, remove with my tongue makes me want, almost, to rush out and buy some of the squirty stuff.

Perhaps.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 23:00

@newtb
Um
Ok then.

Confused
KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 23:04

@newtb

Sex like food appeals to the senses and is an appetite. Generally one satisfies the appetite - hunger, thirst or sex in an appropriate manner.

Think of prehistoric Cadbury's flake adverts. Subliminally they (may) have made people think of oral sex. Cars like the E-type jag, the Ford Capri in 3.0l version with it's long bonnet, Opel Manta GTE 2,0. They were sold on the basis of sex, especially the e-type with it's V12 engine - 12 cylinders, 12 pistons, if that's not a euphemism I don't know what is.

Betty's is a world famous tea room in Harrogate. My friend from Tokyo went there for a cookery course. So not completely unknown.

I hate cream and milk. I can just about tolerate cream whipped and sweetened. However, thinking about being with someone special, with whipped cream to put on their body and then, remove with my tongue makes me want, almost, to rush out and buy some of the squirty stuff.

Perhaps.

And what does this have to do with the thread? Confused

Sex is like food, therefore everyone should drop their pants forthwith?

I'm pretty certain humans need food to live. I could quite happily go without sex for the rest of my life and survive. Food on the other hand....

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 27/09/2020 23:06

You definitely need some squirty stuff ro go with that pointless word salad.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 23:10

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble 😂

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 23:11

I think we've just been mansplained by @newtb

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