Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 28/09/2020 12:50

@SoulofanAggron My post is aimed at those who are supporting sexual coercion. There's a fundamental toxic undercurrent-not unlike sewage that if it's a special occasion such as a birthday you are owed sex and not just sex men are owed sexy lingerie,etc. it's great if you want to do that for your partner if it's what revs their engine however this scenario is just wrong

differentnameforthis · 28/09/2020 13:31

@Hariboqueen1 All I’m saying is on my boyfriends birthday but I wasn’t in the mood for sex I wouId do it anyway

Tell me, what kind of man wants sex with a woman who isn't interested? Although I do actually know, and I am leaving him soon.

Oh & please stop with the comparisons of food and sex... it is NOTHING alike!!!

I've had sex I didn't want because it was expected of me, and because you know, why should he suffer because I didn't want it/was on my period... and I didn't enjoy it. I ended up crying during and after, and he was so fucking blind (not literally) that he couldn't even see it. Oh and it was never painful...

So your "just do it, you'll enjoy it" is dangerous advice.

@Sickofbroccoli - This is so similar to my ex. I'd initiate it to break the tension, to stop the silent treatment, to get it out of the way or because he'd be gentler then he'd hold me after.

Shit... this hit hard. Sad I have started to reframe my entire relationship and am discovering so many things that I didn't even realise, and this comment hit me. I did that. Pre children, that was me... because my mum didn't want me, and didn't show me love unless I actively sought it out, or did something to make her happy, so I would seek it from him, because I needed to "make him happy" and stop him being angry at me.

That and sex when expected. The last time I did was over a yr ago, I had sex when I was going away for the weekend without him, I didn't want to, but it was "expected" didn't even know why... I am the first to shout that bs down on here, but as I said I am reframing so much right now. Can't wait until I can leave.

Hariboqueen1 · 28/09/2020 13:43

It’s not non negotiatable or a duty. To me its about being in a loving healthy relationship and wanting the other person to feel happy and loved. I’m quite lazy when it’s comes to sex and there are days when I can’t be bothered to have sex and so I don’t. But on my partners birthday I want them to have the best birthday possible and make them feel special and if that means I’m feeling lazy and can’t be bothered to have sex I snap out of it put some effort in and have sex. Not just lie there and take it, but get myself in the mood whatever that takes I don’t know think sexy thoughts or start kissing or something to get my brain in gear and have good sex with my partner whereby we both enjoy it. I don’t see anything wrong with putting in some extra effort to try and make sure your partner feels loved and wanted on their birthday especially if sex is their favourite thing. I’m not doing it because it’s owed, or because my boyfriend will be annoyed if I don’t or I have been coerced in it. I’m getting over my laziness, putting sleep on hold and putting in some effort to make my partner feel special on his birthday? I honestly don’t think I’ve devalued myself in anyway or feel like a sex robot.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/09/2020 13:46

@Hariboqueen1

It’s not non negotiatable or a duty. To me its about being in a loving healthy relationship and wanting the other person to feel happy and loved. I’m quite lazy when it’s comes to sex and there are days when I can’t be bothered to have sex and so I don’t. But on my partners birthday I want them to have the best birthday possible and make them feel special and if that means I’m feeling lazy and can’t be bothered to have sex I snap out of it put some effort in and have sex. Not just lie there and take it, but get myself in the mood whatever that takes I don’t know think sexy thoughts or start kissing or something to get my brain in gear and have good sex with my partner whereby we both enjoy it. I don’t see anything wrong with putting in some extra effort to try and make sure your partner feels loved and wanted on their birthday especially if sex is their favourite thing. I’m not doing it because it’s owed, or because my boyfriend will be annoyed if I don’t or I have been coerced in it. I’m getting over my laziness, putting sleep on hold and putting in some effort to make my partner feel special on his birthday? I honestly don’t think I’ve devalued myself in anyway or feel like a sex robot.
get myself in the mood whatever that takes

Jesus

You've been told, and even acknowledged yourself, that you have no idea about sexual coercion. Please stop. You are doing harm to other women with your line of thought.

Hariboqueen1 · 28/09/2020 14:48

So we both sexual coerce each other on our birthdays if that's the case then so be it.

differentnameforthis · 28/09/2020 14:59

@Hariboqueen1

So we both sexual coerce each other on our birthdays if that's the case then so be it.
If either of you are having sex because the other expects it, rather than because it is wanted, yes, that is coercion.
differentnameforthis · 28/09/2020 15:00

Why do you need to use your body to make him feel special?

Hariboqueen1 · 28/09/2020 15:10

Ok well thats fine. We both strive to make each other happy in all aspects of life him probably him more than me and it works for us.

Different name for this- must just be us then. We like to make love to feel intimate and close with each other. I think its a really personal amazing way to show how much we love each other. Also orgasms are a really good feeling so theres that. Its both our favourite thing. So on our birthday we make an effort and we have sex. I understand other couples may not use their bodies for this but we do.

lunalulu · 28/09/2020 15:31

@Hariboqueen1

Ok well thats fine. We both strive to make each other happy in all aspects of life him probably him more than me and it works for us.

Different name for this- must just be us then. We like to make love to feel intimate and close with each other. I think its a really personal amazing way to show how much we love each other. Also orgasms are a really good feeling so theres that. Its both our favourite thing. So on our birthday we make an effort and we have sex. I understand other couples may not use their bodies for this but we do.

I agree.

If we didn't use our bodies to show love then we would just be friends but not sexual and life partners.

Mittens030869 · 28/09/2020 15:44

@Hariboqueen1

But the point is that, in the OP's case, she didn't want to have sex because she didn't feel well. Her bf shouldn't have made her feel obliged to give him sex because it happened to be his birthday. He should have accepted her refusal without sulking about it and telling her to leave. That is coercion pure and simple.

It's also clear that the bf doesn't really care for the OP, he only shows affection when he's hoping to have sex.

If you're happy with your sexual relationship with your partner, and don't feel that he's pressurising you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, then what you're saying isn't relevant to this thread.

SoulofanAggron · 28/09/2020 15:47

If we didn't use our bodies to show love then we would just be friends but not sexual and life partners.

@lunalulu Is talking about making ourselves have sex when we don't want it at first. That's not necessary for a relationship. Most healthy relationships wold have some sex involved at some point without us having to make ourselves do it when we don't want. But it's natural to have it sometimes pause for a while if a partner is ill, having med side effects, stressed, etc.

SoulofanAggron · 28/09/2020 15:51

'Haribo is talking about

firesong · 28/09/2020 15:58

He was out of order saying he would send you home, definitely.

Just wondering whether there's been a problem with your sex life generally. I mean, he brought up that he would like you to initiate more etc. Do you have mismatched libidos?

My partner isn't up for sex if he's tired or worried, and sometimes that means that our sex life drastically dropped for weeks or months at a time. I have been upset about that before (but never tried to make him have sex). Rejection can make you feel very unattractive if it happens frequently.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/09/2020 15:58

@Hariboqueen1

Ok well thats fine. We both strive to make each other happy in all aspects of life him probably him more than me and it works for us.

Different name for this- must just be us then. We like to make love to feel intimate and close with each other. I think its a really personal amazing way to show how much we love each other. Also orgasms are a really good feeling so theres that. Its both our favourite thing. So on our birthday we make an effort and we have sex. I understand other couples may not use their bodies for this but we do.

SHE DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX AT ALL!! That is all there is to it. Move along with your outdated notions of obligation
ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 28/09/2020 16:03
  • We like to make love to feel intimate and close with each other. I think its a really personal amazing way to show how much we love each other.

If we didn't use our bodies to show love then we would just be friends but not sexual and life partners.*

Been there done that. Turns out it's not the healthiest way to view sex,love and relationships. Who knew?

firesong · 28/09/2020 16:06

Read your update re condom buying and underwear! No no no. He is being a knob.

Mittens030869 · 28/09/2020 16:07

SHE DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX AT ALL!!
That is all there is to it. Move along with your outdated notions of obligation

^This. It's too similarly to my DM's advice to 'lie down and think of England'.

No one should feel obliged to have sex if they're not feeling up to it. Sex should only happen when both partners want it, otherwise where's the attraction in it?

Aerial2020 · 28/09/2020 16:09

@Hariboqueen1

Ok well thats fine. We both strive to make each other happy in all aspects of life him probably him more than me and it works for us.

Different name for this- must just be us then. We like to make love to feel intimate and close with each other. I think its a really personal amazing way to show how much we love each other. Also orgasms are a really good feeling so theres that. Its both our favourite thing. So on our birthday we make an effort and we have sex. I understand other couples may not use their bodies for this but we do.

Ffs. This NOT the same as the OP.

Please just stop comparing

Flower8 · 28/09/2020 16:13

Omg no you did nothing wrong, me and my partner went out for a lovely meal, joked about sex over dinner, made eye's at each other ect. Both got home full and shattered, he asked if i was feeling it, i declined and we both laughed, cuddled and kissed. In no way should a man make you have sex.

ittakes2 · 28/09/2020 17:20

He doesn’t sound like a keeper to me. You need to raise your expectations - surely you want to be treated better?

Teensandfuture · 28/09/2020 17:40

Tell me, what kind of man wants sex with a woman who isn't interested?
FFS
If you are in a relationship, then you are interested in having sex with your partner. Sometimes more interested, sometimes less.
We're not talking here about strangers and rape, although some pps gladly bringing up rape references into this situation.

It's not coercion either. If OP would agree to have sex because he said to her "think we're done here if we don't have sex tonight" , that would be coersive behaviour.
He actually done opposite - he said I don't want you around, please leave in the morning because I don't feel happy.He didn't want sex in the morning, he didn't pressure same night. Twattish rude dramatic behaviour? Absolutely!
Manipulative or coersive behaviour? It's questionable, without substantial evidence.
Stop speculating please

Heffalooomia · 28/09/2020 17:46

If you are in a relationship, then you are interested in having sex with your partner
are you saying that being in a relationship with person x =consent to sex with person x?

FlorenceNightshade · 28/09/2020 17:58

I was really trying not to give the archaic and frightening views on here any more oxygen but what @Teensandfuture just said about strangers, rape and implying that consent in a relationship needs only be given once is an actual disgrace.

Wtaf

Teensandfuture · 28/09/2020 17:58

No, I'm saying there's a shared sexual history.

It's assumed your partner is into having sex with you, generally.

Your partner doesn't have a desire meter though to accurately measure your desire each time every time. Sometimes it's less, sometimes its more.

I still maintain loving partner would make more effort on a special occasion.

OP wasn't actually ill, as some pps interpreted, she was just full and sleepy. Nothing wrong with her not wanting to have sex, nothing wrong with bf being disappointed either.

You all here make him sound abusive coercive rapist when in fact he's just a rude twat that doesn't control his emotions well . He wants to have a relationship that will satisfy him sexually, who are you to say he can't have that? Because OP thinks her feelings on the matter more important than his and he's being unreasonable ? His feelings just as important as hers, not more not less.

Teensandfuture · 28/09/2020 18:13

I was really trying not to give the archaic and frightening views on here any more oxygen but what @Teensandfuture just said about strangers, rape and implying that consent in a relationship needs only be given once is an actual disgrace
Well I haven't actually said that, you have issues with reading and interpretation of information you read!
I'm actually surprised at how quickly pps can jump to conclusions and seem willing to exaggerate!