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Original poster

To be fed up of DP attitude to sex

239 replies

FrostyTheNoMan · 24/09/2020 23:08

NC

Looking for the Mumsnet view!

DP and I usually have a very happy, healthy relationship. There is just one thing that seriously bothers me and that is how he reacts when I say "no" to sex.

Usually he initiates sex (but I do too) and we have it at least every two weeks which I am fine with.

However he initiates a lot more than that and sometimes I say no. He doesn't get arsey as such but he will make a snide comment or two which just pisses me off. Tonight it has happened again and we've ended up having a huge row.

We went on a date night and DP's Mum took care of kids (DD 4 and DS 7mo). First date night in a year and had a lovely time. Over dinner it got very lovey dovey and he said at one point "I can't wait to get you home and take that dress off you". I just said "aw" or something- I wasn't against idea at the time at all but I didn't say YES DO IT either.

We come home and have a nice kiss at front door before we go in. DP mum promptly tells us that DS has cried nearly the whole time we were out and has only just got back to sleep. Within 5 mins of arriving, DS has woken up again and I need to comfort and feed him. This clearly stresses me out a bit, not great to hear.
When DS was settled, I was in bedroom getting changed out of my dress and in my pyjamas. DP comes in and says "what are you doing?" All outraged. I told him I was getting changed, I was uncomfortable in the dress. He then goes on to say "we had a lovely night, first date night in a while and I wanted to end it perfectly. But no, clearly we can't"

I said that he can't guilt trip me into sex. I was uncomfortable in outfit and wanted to get changed. He started going on and on about how he thought I wanted to have sex and that after putting baby down I would be ready.... he then said "i must have misread signals"

This made me explode. I said what fucking signals? I kissed you at the door. That doesn't mean we are definitely having sex and even if it did I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE MY MIND AT ANY FUCKING POINT.

I said to him - so are you the type of guy that if a girl was wearing a mini skirt then that's an invitation?

He was really insulted at this. All he said though was "you're my fucking fiancé" as if that changes anything.

He stormed off and has gone to sleep without saying a word. I'm fuming with his toxic behaviour which he can't even see and he seems to be fuming with me for calling him out on it.

As a bit of back story...I was seriously sexually assaulted as a teen. He knows this. I have a strong stance on boundaries and a woman's right to say no and a man's obligation to listen. As should fucking every one. he has been so supportive historically of how I deal with this trauma. Is it making me oversensitive though?

I feel at a loss of how to communicate to him on this topic because he clearly doesn't think he's in the wrong about being upset when I "reject" him. He's perfect in every other way, loving, kind, thoughtful. I love him and want him to understand where I'm coming from.

What do I do? AIBU? Is he being a huge dick?

OP posts:
firesong · 25/09/2020 17:46

I had an ex who was lovely, and he was the same! He would also react badly if I didn't want to cuddle because I was busy doing other things and would say, "you're my GIRLFRIEND" as though that meant I had to want to be swept into a long kiss when I was cooking or sorting the kids. Highly annoying and never got it sorted, though that wasn't why we split.

Glitterandunicorns · 25/09/2020 17:56

Hi OP. As a PP has said, your previous sexual assault has not made you paranoid or overly sensitive, it's made you aware of when coercive stuff is going on.

Regardless of what you might have said to him, before you said anything, he was angry that you were changing out of the dress and you said that on other occasions, he has made snide comments when you haven't wanted sex.

I don't see this as a communication problem between you both, and the baby is a red herring.

You say you don't want sex when he does, and he makes snide comments (or in this case, gets angry). To me, this is sexually coercive and I wouldn't be prepared to accept it.

It's not a one-off, in which case I'd say, ok, have a chat about it, fair enough. This is something that has happened more than once, and it doesn't show any respect for you and your ability to say no at all.

DandyMandy · 25/09/2020 18:13

I can understand why you were fed up of his attitude. I haven't read the whole thread, but it seems like you're being given a really hard time. You didn't call anyone a rapist, you made a very valid point. Don't listen to the ones trying to make you into the villain and him the victim. Hope you're okay.

Livelifejoyful · 25/09/2020 18:18

My husband explained to me before that men are completely different to women in this regard. And I can see why your husband after an amazing date night would want to end it with you looking amazing in your dress. He probably all night was thinking wow my fiance is so beautiful I want to make love to her. So give the guy a break.

madcatladyforever · 25/09/2020 18:25

Sorry OP but it is coercive behaviour.I had 20 years of this and at the time of our divorce I told him if he ever touched me again I would kill him.

Sarahpaula · 25/09/2020 18:30

@Livelifejoyful "men are completely different in this regard", yes in that most of them suffer a lack of empathy, and think that they are entitled to sex.

I remember saying "no" to one boyfriend. I said "i said no and you have to accept it".

He said "but you are saying no to ME!" And looked baffled, because he saw me as something that he owned, and that he was superior.

I saw a story about a woman who killed herself after being raped by her boyfriend.

Her borfriend, seriously was quoted as saying this,

"How could I rape my girlfriend. It would be like a piece of food saying to me, no I don't want to be eaten. It is my food"

Sarahpaula · 25/09/2020 18:33

I think that many men think that - if you agree to be in a relationship with them, it means that you are agreeing to have sex with them whenever you want.

Hence all the "but you are my girlfriend, you are my fiancee " talk. It equals "I own you".

This is why I am single.

Every boyfriend that I have ever had, raped me or pushed me into sex that I didn't want.

I love the joy of being able to live my life and not have some one pushing me into sex .

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 25/09/2020 21:03

My husband explained to me before that men are completely different to women in this regard. And I can see why your husband after an amazing date night would want to end it with you looking amazing in your dress. He probably all night was thinking wow my fiance is so beautiful I want to make love to her. So give the guy a break

He is allowed to think that. Him making her feel bad about no sex is coercive.

differentnameforthis · 26/09/2020 06:58

@user1481840227 It's not a very mature way to handle it and is kind of passive aggressive so i'm not surprised when sometimes men huff and puff and give off a bad vibe then.

It's not passive aggressive. It wouldn't have to happen if men took no for an answer.

What's immature is men reacting badly when they don't get free access to women's bodies.

men "huffing, puffing and giving off bad vibes" is WHY we resort to non verbal communication. But well done on being part of the problem.

differentnameforthis · 26/09/2020 07:01

@user1481840227

And actually, as she said, she wasn't using it as a no to sex, she was getting in something more comfortable after feeding her young baby, her partner assumed her changing meant no, and sulked about it.

differentnameforthis · 26/09/2020 07:04

@Livelifejoyful

My husband explained to me before that men are completely different to women in this regard. And I can see why your husband after an amazing date night would want to end it with you looking amazing in your dress. He probably all night was thinking wow my fiance is so beautiful I want to make love to her. So give the guy a break.
And all the other times he does it??
larrygrylls · 26/09/2020 07:16

You can end up massively overthinking this.

You have every right to say no, but your fiancé also has every right to be disappointed. You both have autonomy over your actions and moods.

In an ideal world, he should have disguised his disappointment but, equally, you should definitely not have implied that he is a potential rapist.

Ultimately a really nice night did not end well for either of you. Children and stress does that. You need to talk sympathetically with one another. If you cannot do that, though, you need to think about splitting.

Beefcurtains79 · 26/09/2020 07:18

My husband explained to me before that men are completely different to women in this regard. And I can see why your husband after an amazing date night would want to end it with you looking amazing in your dress. He probably all night was thinking wow my fiance is so beautiful I want to make love to her. So give the guy a break.

Wow, you’re husband must have pinched himself when he ‘explained’ that you to you, and you lapped it up.
What an absolute mug.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 26/09/2020 07:56

Most of what I’m going to write has been written before but I want to add to the ratio

• He was attempting to coerce you into sex.
• You didn’t imply he was a rapist; you stated that he clearly has expectations that a woman wants sex/ doesn’t want sex based on what she is wearing
• He clearly stated that as his fiancé, he is entitled to expect sex from you after giving you forewarning all night and taking you out for a meal
• He has no empathy towards you and how finding out your seven month old has been crying all night night make you feel

I also want to add that on our rare date nights, both my husband and I are perfectly aware that it will probably be one of the only nights we definitely WON’T be having sex. We’d both be overtired, up in the the morning with the toddlers and have a belly full of a three course meal and drinks. Not exactly conducive to feeling sexy.

I’m so saddened by the number of posters who think a man being called out on his entitlement in regards to a woman’s body is more offensive that the man feeling entitled to have sex with in the first place. It’s so, so depressing.

Buggedandconfused · 26/09/2020 08:07

I’d be flattered that my OH found me so attractive that he wanted to make love. I see no coercion here, and feel a bit sorry for him! It’s really hard to keep the flame going when kids are little but in my case it was a lack of desire from my exH for me in these type of situations that contributed to me ending my marriage.

Dozer · 26/09/2020 08:13

Agree with posters saying he sounds coercive.

Also lacking in empathy, with bad attitudes about women.

Dozer · 26/09/2020 08:15

For example, the nasty comments and moodiness and accusations of having ‘led him on’ when OP refuses sex.

Mittens030869 · 26/09/2020 08:45

@Dozer I agree. It's very sad that so many women don't see this, judging by this thread. Though I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my DM's attitude (lie down and think of England) isn't unique. Sad

Treacletoots · 26/09/2020 09:09

I'm saddened that in 2020 we're still dealing with this shit.

That men still think they're entitlement is more important that your right to say no.

That women are still the primary care giver to their children.

That other women are enabling this. Fuck. That.

larrygrylls · 26/09/2020 09:13

Treacle,

That might be correct as a general comment but not in this thread, if you read the OP’s updates.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/09/2020 09:20

I'm saddened that in 2020 we're still dealing with this shit.

You’ll just have to get over that for your own sanity. Human society/behaviour hasn’t progressed much beyond caveman days. We have laws, but they don’t protect or prevent only punish. We haven’t even eradicated slavery yet. Or murder. I’m not saying we won’t ever get there, just that it’s a kind of progress that moves as slow as evolution itself.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 26/09/2020 09:23

@larrygrylls

Treacle,

That might be correct as a general comment but not in this thread, if you read the OP’s updates.

Being so, soooo sorry the next morning, and the victim accepting that, doesn’t make his behaviour the night before any less abusive or coercive. He has a history of acting this way, as stated in the OP. This is the typical cycle of an abuser.
SengaMac · 26/09/2020 09:47

The man had no empathy at all for how OP felt after coming in from the date night and having to immediately attend to their baby, including breast feeding.
All he thought about was wanting to be back on track for getting his end away.

(If he had had any empathy with OP he still might have been successful with that.)

Mittens030869 · 26/09/2020 09:53

@SengaMac This with bells on. He could have poured them both a nightcap and they could have had settled down in bed with a DVD. Then his fiancée might have actually been more responsive to her.

Why don't some men get it that sulking is not a turn-on for women but makes them less inclined to want sex?

Sakurami · 26/09/2020 09:59

It's incredible reading all these comments.
Of course a man can see you and get horny. That is absolutely fine. But to show disappointment when you don't get it is pressure.
Sex should not be about pressure. It should be something that both of you want. You can be physically affectionate and be fine if that time it doesn't lead to sex. Because if everytime you are physically affectionate or happy to receive it, you know it has to lead to sex, then it changes the dynamics.