To be fed up of DP attitude to sex

[FrostyTheNoMan]

NC

Looking for the Mumsnet view!

DP and I usually have a very happy, healthy relationship. There is just one thing that seriously bothers me and that is how he reacts when I say "no" to sex.

Usually he initiates sex (but I do too) and we have it at least every two weeks which I am fine with.

However he initiates a lot more than that and sometimes I say no. He doesn't get arsey as such but he will make a snide comment or two which just pisses me off. Tonight it has happened again and we've ended up having a huge row.

We went on a date night and DP's Mum took care of kids (DD 4 and DS 7mo). First date night in a year and had a lovely time. Over dinner it got very lovey dovey and he said at one point "I can't wait to get you home and take that dress off you". I just said "aw" or something- I wasn't against idea at the time at all but I didn't say YES DO IT either.

We come home and have a nice kiss at front door before we go in. DP mum promptly tells us that DS has cried nearly the whole time we were out and has only just got back to sleep. Within 5 mins of arriving, DS has woken up again and I need to comfort and feed him. This clearly stresses me out a bit, not great to hear.
When DS was settled, I was in bedroom getting changed out of my dress and in my pyjamas. DP comes in and says "what are you doing?" All outraged. I told him I was getting changed, I was uncomfortable in the dress. He then goes on to say "we had a lovely night, first date night in a while and I wanted to end it perfectly. But no, clearly we can't"

I said that he can't guilt trip me into sex. I was uncomfortable in outfit and wanted to get changed. He started going on and on about how he thought I wanted to have sex and that after putting baby down I would be ready.... he then said "i must have misread signals"

This made me explode. I said what fucking signals? I kissed you at the door. That doesn't mean we are definitely having sex and even if it did I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE MY MIND AT ANY FUCKING POINT.

I said to him - so are you the type of guy that if a girl was wearing a mini skirt then that's an invitation?

He was really insulted at this. All he said though was "you're my fucking fiancé" as if that changes anything.

He stormed off and has gone to sleep without saying a word. I'm fuming with his toxic behaviour which he can't even see and he seems to be fuming with me for calling him out on it.

As a bit of back story...I was seriously sexually assaulted as a teen. He knows this. I have a strong stance on boundaries and a woman's right to say no and a man's obligation to listen. As should fucking every one. he has been so supportive historically of how I deal with this trauma. Is it making me oversensitive though?

I feel at a loss of how to communicate to him on this topic because he clearly doesn't think he's in the wrong about being upset when I "reject" him. He's perfect in every other way, loving, kind, thoughtful. I love him and want him to understand where I'm coming from.

What do I do? AIBU? Is he being a huge dick?

This is batshit.

He was disappointed and reacted badly. The dress off pyjamas on was her way of saying not tonight mate, she felt defensive and possibly a little guilty as it was their first date in a year and she knew he wanted to have sex, so she also reacted badly and said something out of line. Attack is many peoples form of defence.

It’s just tired parents, going through the usual angst, they just need to communicate better.

God I'd find this so unattractive. No is no. If you're not having sex enough he needs to ask if you can have an open conversation about sex and whether there's anything that would make you feel more in the mood more often etc. If not, he needs to accept it or leave.

Oops didn't notice this was yesterday

The problem @Bluntness100 is that he has form for that.

I suspect the OP wouldn’t have reacted as strongly if this hadn’t been the case. As usual it’s a case of the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

I have a high sex drive and I would be really upset if my partner compared me to a rapist because I was looking forward to sex with the person I love. No, of course he doesn’t have the right to sex with you but being turned down constantly really makes you feel like shit after a while. It’s not unreasonable that you had a date night and sex was expected. That doesn’t mean it’s “guaranteed” but equally your response was out of order. You basically implied he was akin to a rapist for wanting sex. How would you feel if he implied you wanting sex was shameful or perverted? You need to find a compromise here but also you need to stop shaming him for this.

@Bluntness100 the pjs really wasn't my "no chance tonight mate" sign.

I had the worlds most uncomfortable bra on that I just had to uncomfortably try and breastfeed in. I wanted to get changed. The whole baby crying and thinking he had been crying for me the entire time we were out made me forget all prospects of having sex.

However, if I had gotten changed and we had picked it up again...I would have probably got in the mood.

It was his reaction that put a stop to it

FFS I WASN'T COMPARING HIM TO A RAPIST

I KNOW WHAT ONE IS.

IM NOT BEING ABUSED. I'm ok now! We're ok now.

I felt triggered and that he was being coercive. He felt disappointed and rejected.

He wasn't being coercive and I wasn't rejecting him.

We grow and adapt in relationships, when we have both had to reflect on our behaviour before, we do not make the same mistake again.

We talked it out. He listened to me and how I felt. He explained how he felt. I was there and I understood. It's all good now people.

At the time of writing my OP I was triggered with high emotions.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and perspectives

@Russellbrandshair

I have a high sex drive and I would be really upset if my partner compared me to a rapist because I was looking forward to sex with the person I love. No, of course he doesn’t have the right to sex with you but being turned down constantly really makes you feel like shit after a while. It’s not unreasonable that you had a date night and sex was expected. That doesn’t mean it’s “guaranteed” but equally your response was out of order. You basically implied he was akin to a rapist for wanting sex. How would you feel if he implied you wanting sex was shameful or perverted? You need to find a compromise here but also you need to stop shaming him for this.

I don't constantly turn him down. Read my OP.

I said we both initiate, albeit him more than me and SOMETIMES I say no as too tired or not in mood.

My last husband counted the actual days since we last had sex and would say it's been so many days now.

I had a ex like that. Always keeping track and using it to supposedly guilt me into sex All that happened there, was less sex followed by a breakup. I didn't want to be coming home from a 14 hour shift having someone moan at me that it has been 4 days since we had sex. Then saying it again the next day too!

@Bluntness100

This is batshit.

He was disappointed and reacted badly. The dress off pyjamas on was her way of saying not tonight mate, she felt defensive and possibly a little guilty as it was their first date in a year and she knew he wanted to have sex, so she also reacted badly and said something out of line. Attack is many peoples form of defence.

It’s just tired parents, going through the usual angst, they just need to communicate better.

And all the other times he has reacted badly?

I haven't read the whole thread, but didn't need to after @PlanDeRaccordement summed it up so neatly. I think every mother has had the same scenario, a sudden switch from hot date back into mum is the world's worst passion killer. No matter how keen you might have been on the doorstep, having to settle a crying baby is the quickest way to send your libido back into hiding. It's hard for men to understand this, but it's reality.

I know a few women who put the dressing gown on as a way of saying no sex. It's not a very mature way to handle it and is kind of passive aggressive so i'm not surprised when sometimes men huff and puff and give off a bad vibe then.

This is not relevant to your situation OP as it was different because of the baby and as you said you were very uncomfortable. I'm just talking about that way of handling it general, if it's a common thing in the relationship.

If I was in a relationship where my man decided to give me a sign that he didn't want to have sex with me that night by putting on a pair of pyjamas and slippers then that would bother me a lot, far better for him to say I'm not in the mood for sex tonight! I would rather be treated like an adult and have him tell me clearly rather than doing something and hoping I take the hint. That is passive aggressive and is likely to cause a similar reaction in the other person.

I know a few women who put the dressing gown on as a way of saying no sex.

I have never came across this phenomenom..nor ever thought to do it.

Infact, if I am switching to a dressing gown, it is for comfort reasons and I would be more likely to want sex than less if I am comfier (and already partially naked)!

Well thats a slight lie actually, I don't actually change into a dressing gown for comfort, I only ever use one when I get out of the bath. So have relaxation from there also

*I have never came across this phenomenom..nor ever thought to do it.

Infact, if I am switching to a dressing gown, it is for comfort reasons and I would be more likely to want sex than less if I am comfier (and already partially naked)!*

Yes they've told me this. It was in a group conversation and a few of them admitted to it...when they know their partner want sex they rush to get the dressing gown on as quick as they can and that's their sign to say it's not happening!

Thats actually quite interesting, how they all seem to handle it the same way..I wonder if they have been talking about how they say no at some point and one suggested it then they all followed suit? Agree thats a bit of a childish way to 'signal' horniness though!

No I don't think they all discussed it in advance lol When the first person admitted it that's when others said oh my god I do the exact same thing...and everyone kind of laughed about it because it is kind of funny to think about until you realise there are some not nice emotions going on at the time when it's happening in the home.

Obviously there's the woman who senses the vibe from him that he wants sex and then the panic to get the dressing gown on so that he knows...and then the husband hopeful they can have sex and then seeing the signal. The tension obviously isn't going to be great for a little while!

There was a woman on here recently who said her partner never wanted sex. I think one of the things that got to her the most was that he knew when she wanted sex and would start to pre-empt it earlier in the day saying he was getting a bad headache or wanted an early night or this, that and the other...and I suppose being treated that way rather than him having an honest conversation made it a lot worse.

I was guilty of it in the past but my situation was very different. I didn't want sex with him because I didn't want to be with him. The only reason I was with him was because he would threaten suicide if I left or if he thought I didn't love him...I could tell when he wanted sex, just pick up the vibe from him and would start to sow the seeds for my excuse later on.
I think the difference is when it's in a relationship where you do want to be in the relationship and you're not simply forced to stay, both people in the relationship should take equal responsibility to handle the situation maturely, sometimes there is a lack of honesty from the lower libido partner and that is part of why the higher libido partner can sometimes act in a childish way that can come across as coercive!

He wasn't being coercive

Oh, but he was and you've said it's not the first time. Please keep us updated when you feel the need. xxx

If I was in a relationship where my man decided to give me a sign that he didn't want to have sex with me that night by putting on a pair of pyjamas and slippers then that would bother me a lot, far better for him to say I'm not in the mood for sex tonight!

I think one of the things that got to her the most was that he knew when she wanted sex and would start to pre-empt it earlier in the day saying he was getting a bad headache or wanted an early night or this, that and the other...and I suppose being treated that way rather than him having an honest conversation made it a lot worse.

My reply isn't necessarily related to OP's thread, as it maybe doesn't apply to her situation, it's just a random point, but some people find it harder to be assertive/openly say no than others. It isn't passive aggressive.

I agree that the OP wasn’t comparing her fiancé to a rapist, but saying that his attitude was sexist. It used to be the prevailing attitude towards women, that the man should have sex whenever he wanted it. My own DM told me I should ‘lie down and think of England’ when I was struggling with sexual intimacy when dealing with flashbacks from my childhood SA. (My DH didn’t want that at all.)

The other thing that jumps out at me is the fact that he took no interest in his own child. Couldn’t he have settled the baby down whilst she got herself ready for bed? She might actually have been more responsive if he’d stepped in. Does he step up as a father, OP, or does he leave it all to you?

And yes, I agree that you would have been triggered. That happens to me a lot, and thankfully my DH understands. (Sadly, we don’t have a sex life anymore, but that’s now more down to the exhaustion that comes with having two adopted DDs of 11 and 8 and my own MH issues. It’s no longer because of my past really. But I digress, sorry.)

But your fiancé needs to understand that you can’t help being triggered because of what happens to you, and that because of that if he wants to improve your sex life he seriously needs to rethink how he goes about it.

@Mittens030869

I agree that the OP wasn’t comparing her fiancé to a rapist, but saying that his attitude was sexist. It used to be the prevailing attitude towards women, that the man should have sex whenever he wanted it. My own DM told me I should ‘lie down and think of England’ when I was struggling with sexual intimacy when dealing with flashbacks from my childhood SA. (My DH didn’t want that at all.)

The other thing that jumps out at me is the fact that he took no interest in his own child. Couldn’t he have settled the baby down whilst she got herself ready for bed? She might actually have been more responsive if he’d stepped in. Does he step up as a father, OP, or does he leave it all to you?

OP said she was breastfeeding baby. I don't think her DH can be blamed for not helping here.

It does sound like OP also felt guilty having left baby, as MIL said she couldn't settle him and he cried a lot.

Point taken, sorry. But her DP could have been more aware of what was going on and understood that she might not be so in the mood for sex after having had to settle the baby.

He also might have had a better response if he'd just spent time with her in bed, for example with a DVD on. She might have been more likely to want sex if he hadn't just gone into a sulk about it, which isn't at all a turn-on.

No offence, but you obviously provoked him by saying he can't guilt trip you into sex and the mini skirt comment.

Instead of saying that, couldn't you have just explained that you wanted to settle your child, then you'll spend time with him after (and would change into sonthing for him). Or you could have said that you felt tired that night, but tomorrow you would set aside time for him.

Imagine if he had decided to cancel date night at the last minute and wanted do something else instead without you, wouldn't you be a bit grumpy too?

That's not an excuse to expect sex, but I'm just saying that you could have responded / handled it better, by realising he has feelings and desires too.

Jesus Holy Christ there are some thick people. Nowhere did the Op even remotely compare him to a rapist, or insinuate he was one. Suggesting that a mini skirt would be an invitation for sex does not in any way remotely suggest he would assume he could rape her. Invitation, is the key word here. Head, wall, bang.

@SodaPerson but you obviously provoked him by saying he can't guilt trip you into sex and the mini skirt comment.
She said those comments after he went off at her.

So actually, if anyone 'provoked' anyone, he provoked her.