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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had an affair and now I'm suicidal

169 replies

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 20:25

Recently I had an affair
It lasted around 9 months
I've been with my wife for 12 years and we have got 2 wonderful children together
I love and adore her and she does me
But over the last couple of years,we have disconnected from each other. Life is busy with young children and our sex life diminished. I felt as though she didn't love me anymore and instead of communicating with her, I behaved like a complete coward and got into an affair with a woman who showed an interest in me. I have suffered with some mental health issues and have been drinking alcohol a lot. I'm not sure I was thinking straight whilst the affair was going on. The other woman was really into me and accepted that I was married. She told me she was in love with me very early on and clearly had her own emotional issues. She showed me attention and because my self esteem was so low, it made me feel good at the time. There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed. But mainly it made me feel more depressed. It was toxic and the guilt started making me ill. Naturally, my wife and I became even more distant from one another during the affair (because I suppose because of the guilt I withdrew more and more) and as time passed I just didn't know what to do. My life was a mess. My wife is in no way to
blame. The reasons for the affair were completely a reflection on me and where my head was at. My wife is perfect. In the 12 years together I have never cheated or done a wrong to her before and would never have dreamt of it. I look back and don't even recognise the person I was when having the affair. My wife discovered the affair 3 months ago and the affects have been devastating. The affair immediately ended and I havnt looked back since and have had no intentions to what so ever. My wife has decided to give us another chance which I am indescribably grateful for. But the guilt is eating away at me and I just can not believe what I have done to her and my kids. I do not feel worthy of having a woman like her. I am disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed and I'm not sure I'll ever ever get over the shame and the hurt that I have caused to a woman who has done nothing but love and support me since the day we met. I suppose I am looking for advice in relation to how I and we together can move forward. Even if she can find it in herself to forgive me, will I ever forgive myself for behaving so disgracefully and against all of my own morals?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 21/09/2020 20:32

Stop the guilt tripping and self pity. Be grateful you're getting another chance. And behave yourself in future. That would be my advice.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2020 20:32

First, take a deep breath. You fucked up, that's for sure, but for now your wife is willing to try to rebuild the marriage, so if I were you I would be doing every single thing possible to achieve that goal.

Go to couples therapy and go to therapy on your own. When your wife has days of being angry and withdrawn, respect that and never forget you aren't the victim here. It's going to take a massive amount of work to fix this, if you even can, so get used to putting the work in. You also need to be prepared for the possibility that your wife simply can't get beyond this and wants a divorce. If that's the case, move forward with dignity and accept the fact that your actions lead to this.

User76887 · 21/09/2020 20:33

Have you and your wife considered counselling? Nine months is a long time to have an affair?...... I think there is a lot if work to do to build up your relationship.

Ablackrussian · 21/09/2020 20:35

What you did was despicable but your wife loves you enough to give you a second chance. Instead of wallowing in the guilt and self-pity, concentrate on your future together. You cannot change the past, and regardless of how you cannot believe you did it, you did

Stop all the self-absorbed bullshit and use that energy to concentrate on your wife, and her emotional needs. Oh, and forgive yourself.

She gave you a second chance, make the most of it.

PolloDePrimavera · 21/09/2020 20:37

Committing suicide world be worse for your wife. You have been fortunate , now go with that.

Gazelda · 21/09/2020 20:37

I think you should get counselling as a matter of urgency. If your poor mental health contributed to the affair starting, then I imagine that's not improved? If I was your wife, I'd respect and appreciate you going to counselling as part of your commitment to repair the marriage.

Having said that, you only ended the affair because you got caught. And you we're conducting it through lockdown. I imagine your wife will need a lot of time and patience to forgive you.

User76887 · 21/09/2020 20:38

And you need to start taking ownership of your decisions and your behaviour. I have mental health problems, my husband drinks too much. Neither of us get a pass to shag anyone else. You need to realise YOU did this. It wasn't the fact you're relationship was struggling, it wasn't that someone showed you interest. You slept with someone else, lied about it and broke the trust and fidelity in your marriage. Take ownership of that fact.

Treacletoots · 21/09/2020 20:39

Guilt really is a stupid emotion. At the time when you really need to step up, be the best husband you possibly can and make up for being a collosal dick, all it makes you do is want to feel sorry for yourself.

You're incredibly lucky. I wouldn't hesitate to have kicked you out and not taken you back the second I found out. Your wife obviously has her reasons for not wanting to split the family but if you ever want the relationship to work again you need to step up, think really hard about what you need to do to make your wife happy, and don't let her down again. Not even the small stuff, because once you've betrayed someone, I'm afraid every little thing adds up and can be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Best of luck.

Carrottop73 · 21/09/2020 20:41

You are very lucky to have this slim chance. Do not ruin this opportunity wallowing in your own self pity.

Imagine you only have 6 weeks left (or some other small amount of time) to enjoy your family and make your wife feel loved. Make the most of every moment you get and forget the past.

If your wife wants to continue in your relationship then counselling is a good idea. Also prioritise date nights.

Ensure you are doing most of the house/ childcare work. Your wife must be emotionally exhausted and any less stress will help her recover.

Also ensure OW is blocked and deleted on everything.

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 20:41

@User76887

Believe me I am taking full ownership. I'm not trying to give excuses for what I did in just giving context to the wider picture. I whole heartedly know that what I've done is horrendous hence why I feel like such a low life

OP posts:

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 20:43

@Carrottop73

You are very lucky to have this slim chance. Do not ruin this opportunity wallowing in your own self pity.

Imagine you only have 6 weeks left (or some other small amount of time) to enjoy your family and make your wife feel loved. Make the most of every moment you get and forget the past.

If your wife wants to continue in your relationship then counselling is a good idea. Also prioritise date nights.

Ensure you are doing most of the house/ childcare work. Your wife must be emotionally exhausted and any less stress will help her recover.

Also ensure OW is blocked and deleted on everything.

Thank you for this. I will never have anything to do with the other woman again. All of this coming out has made me realise she meant nothing to me and instead of facing my issues head on I went looking for something elsewhere that didn't do anything but make me feel like shit

OP posts:

jelly79 · 21/09/2020 20:43

I have seen the devestated suicide because of guilt of an affair has caused a family. Please get the support to work through this with your wife. And if you can't then you are still a father to your children. You will get through it with some strength and hard work

jelly79 · 21/09/2020 20:43

*devastation

scottishlass123 · 21/09/2020 20:44

If you are suicidal you need to get help in real life. Call the samaritans on 116 123. You owe it to your children, wife, family, friends and yourself to get help to cope with the guilt. People make mistakes, not everybody is perfect. This is not worth taking your life for, nothing is.

You made a mistake, you recognise that you have hurt your family, you are remorseful and realise your wrong doings and that you won't do it again. You need time to process all that has happened and with time and a lot of work you and your wife can come to terms with what has happened, it sounds like she wants to forgive you and as a couple you can move forward to together. Go to relate or counselling together and separately to help you overcome what has happened. Life can be good again. Plenty of marriages survive affairs and it sounds like you both are willing to give it a try. Time heals all wounds. Take it easy on yourself.

tara66 · 21/09/2020 20:45

Stop it. Move on. Life is short.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2020 20:45

You definitely need to knock it off with all the wallowing self-pity bullshit. That will be the last nail in the coffin if you can't pull yourself together and behave like a grown-up. What you wrote is all about you and how you feel, when you should be focusing on your wife.

User76887 · 21/09/2020 20:46

@dm123455

Your OP is one long stream of excuses to why you had an affair. Reread it, and rewrite it, even just to yourself. Because you benefitted from the affair, otherwise you wouldn't have had it. This isn't something that happened to you. This IS something that happened to your wife.

WiserOlder · 21/09/2020 20:47

@Viviennemary

Stop the guilt tripping and self pity. Be grateful you're getting another chance. And behave yourself in future. That would be my advice.

Yes

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 20:48

@jelly79

The aftermath of the affair has been horrendous. To make it worse I immediately ended the affair as soon as my wife discovered it. And the other woman contacted my wife telling her everything. Every minor detail. Deep down I knew she would always do that hence why I was too cowardly to end it. I've never seen my wife in the state that she has been in. And to know that I'm the one who has caused it...

OP posts:

UnimpressiveUsername · 21/09/2020 20:50

Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? Are you getting help for you mental health? Yes, you are going to have to put a lot of time into your marriage and relationship, but you also need a healthy way to deal with how you are feeling. I wish you both the best.

SmileyClare · 21/09/2020 20:52

Cutting down on the alcohol might be a good place to start as that will be exacerbating your depression. Easier said than done I know. The first issue that needs addressing is your suicidal thoughts. You would benefit from speaking to someone urgently and its best if that person is impartial. Even if it's just the Samaritans to start with?

Torturing yourself is not helpful right now. Your energy is better directed at working on your marriage and I agree with others, couples counselling would benefit you both. Remember your wife is suffering too.

It will take time and work to build your relationship. Be realistic, it's never going to go back to how it was before. Perhaps think of it as taking each day as it comes at the moment, baby steps towards repairing the relationship.

Getting drunk and beating yourself up isn't helping anyone.

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 20:54

@UnimpressiveUsername

Whilst the affair was going on I didn't speak to a soul. I was so ashamed of what I was doing I couldn't tell or speak to anyone. Since it's all come out, everyone seems to know about it and I have spoken to close friends and family which has helped. My wife also has a good support network around her and some great friends who have been brilliant. And we have lots of mutual friends too who have also helped and given us both constructive advice. Believe me when I say we love each other dearly. And everyone that knows us knows that we are made for each other hence why people havnt been too harsh and have tried to help us as a couple

OP posts:

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 20:55

@SmileyClare

Getting drunk and beating yourself up isn't helping anyone.

Yes you are right and I am actively working on this

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2020 20:55

Have you started therapy?

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 20:56

@Aquamarine1029

Have you started therapy?

No but it's something we have both looked into. I'm not usually one for talking. Especially to a stranger. A typical bloke I suppose. But I know that it is needed

OP posts:

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