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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had an affair and now I'm suicidal

169 replies

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 20:25

Recently I had an affair
It lasted around 9 months
I've been with my wife for 12 years and we have got 2 wonderful children together
I love and adore her and she does me
But over the last couple of years,we have disconnected from each other. Life is busy with young children and our sex life diminished. I felt as though she didn't love me anymore and instead of communicating with her, I behaved like a complete coward and got into an affair with a woman who showed an interest in me. I have suffered with some mental health issues and have been drinking alcohol a lot. I'm not sure I was thinking straight whilst the affair was going on. The other woman was really into me and accepted that I was married. She told me she was in love with me very early on and clearly had her own emotional issues. She showed me attention and because my self esteem was so low, it made me feel good at the time. There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed. But mainly it made me feel more depressed. It was toxic and the guilt started making me ill. Naturally, my wife and I became even more distant from one another during the affair (because I suppose because of the guilt I withdrew more and more) and as time passed I just didn't know what to do. My life was a mess. My wife is in no way to
blame. The reasons for the affair were completely a reflection on me and where my head was at. My wife is perfect. In the 12 years together I have never cheated or done a wrong to her before and would never have dreamt of it. I look back and don't even recognise the person I was when having the affair. My wife discovered the affair 3 months ago and the affects have been devastating. The affair immediately ended and I havnt looked back since and have had no intentions to what so ever. My wife has decided to give us another chance which I am indescribably grateful for. But the guilt is eating away at me and I just can not believe what I have done to her and my kids. I do not feel worthy of having a woman like her. I am disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed and I'm not sure I'll ever ever get over the shame and the hurt that I have caused to a woman who has done nothing but love and support me since the day we met. I suppose I am looking for advice in relation to how I and we together can move forward. Even if she can find it in herself to forgive me, will I ever forgive myself for behaving so disgracefully and against all of my own morals?

OP posts:

ScrapThatThen · 21/09/2020 20:57

Stop putting her on a pedestal. Stop suppressing your own feelings. Learn to communicate on the level instead of with a bottle.

foreverandalways · 21/09/2020 20:58

Once the trust has gone it's gone...shame on you...no excuses...it would be a definite end of the marriage for me....you should have sat your wife down and told her how u felt and tried to work things through and not taken the first thing on a plate that showed an interest in you...

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 21:00

@foreverandalways

With respect, you're telling me what I already know

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2020 21:00

I'm not usually one for talking. Especially to a stranger. A typical bloke I suppose. But I know that it is needed.

Come on, op, enough with the "typical bloke" bullshit. You can't talk to strangers? You fucked one without a problem.

If you don't get professional help you might as well end your marriage now because you will never be able to address the deep issues without it. If you need to get another job to pay for the therapy, then that's what you do. Your marriage either mean everything to you or it doesn't. You can't half-ass your way through this.

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 21:02

@Aquamarine1029

I'm not usually one for talking. Especially to a stranger. A typical bloke I suppose. But I know that it is needed.

Come on, op, enough with the "typical bloke" bullshit. You can't talk to strangers? You fucked one without a problem.

I have stated that I know that it is needed OP. But some people do genuinely do struggle with talking. Hence why I'm in this mess

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 21/09/2020 21:05

I agree about the pedestal. Clearly there were issues between you before all this and now there's a great big affair shaped crack in the relationship. No relationships are "perfect" as you describe.
If you can afford it, it would really help to go to Relate or similar so you can both be completely honest about your feelings. You are almost starting again with your relationship, it's going to take time.

Well done if you are trying to kerb the alcohol. Even if you try for some dry days in the week as a start. I can't help thinking the bottle has contributed to you "checking out" of family life in the way you did.

You can make an appointment with your gp to discuss your mental health as a separate issue. Swallow your male pride and admit you're struggling if you can.

MNHQ

EstherMumsnet · 21/09/2020 21:06

Hi @dm123455,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

LadyCatStark · 21/09/2020 21:06

Oh poor you 🙄

It’s funny how the same lines are trotted out by every man who has an affair...

yetmorecrap · 21/09/2020 21:06

All I will say is I’ve had a similar kind of thing and although I stayed, I’ve never forgotten and even though it’s nearly 4 years ago, I remain hyper vigilant and have never felt 100%quite the same- your wife may or may not feel that way too and you might have to live with that if you both want to stay married regardless of how sorry/ remorseful you are unfortunately. Please don’t do what my H did one day when the matter raised itself casually in a conversation and ask in a petulant way - how long you need to be punished for. He saw ‘mentioning’ it to any degree as punishing- it really wasn’t .

RoseTintedAtuin · 21/09/2020 21:06

I understand your struggle with talking things out and sometimes even finding the words to communicate but in this instance I really do think it will help. It’s not just figuring out why you did it or helping you move past it but providing your wife with the reassurance that you are trying to learn how to speak more openly with her and giving her the space to feel and express what she is feeling. It will be very hard to go through but if you can both manage it, it can really strengthen a relationship.

Wishingstarr · 21/09/2020 21:08

What has your wife told you she wants? Has she told you what would help your relationship in her mind?

2018SoFarSoGreat · 21/09/2020 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

QuestionMarkNow · 21/09/2020 21:10

You need counselling. You also need to go and see your GP. You need to sort your own issues before having any hope to save your marriage

Then speak to your DW. Tell her about what you are planning to do to make things right. Ask her if she is happy with that. Ask her if there is anything else that would help her.
Do all that whilst sorting your own head. Wo ever using your MH issues as an excuse to what happened.

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 21:10

@SmileyClare

I agree about the pedestal. Clearly there were issues between you before all this and now there's a great big affair shaped crack in the relationship. No relationships are "perfect" as you describe. If you can afford it, it would really help to go to Relate or similar so you can both be completely honest about your feelings. You are almost starting again with your relationship, it's going to take time.

You can make an appointment with your gp to discuss your mental health as a separate issue. Swallow your male pride and admit you're struggling if you can.

I think you're right. I think I spiralled out of control and ended up on a path of destruction. I lost sight of what was important to me in my life and behaved totally selfishly. I'm not putting my wife on a pedestal. She is pretty much perfect. But there were issues in our relationship and without placing any of the blame at her door, neither of us addressed the issues in a constructive way. I wasn't entirely happy in our relationship but she wasn't either and neither of us felt wanted or loved

OP posts:

starsinthegutter · 21/09/2020 21:10

Get a therapist, get talking now. It's the only way. And don't use your wife as your therapist, it's not her job. There are loads of male therapists around, if you would prefer talking to a man. Most if not all therapy is via video, which makes it easier in some ways.

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 21:11

@LadyCatStark

Oh poor you 🙄

It’s funny how the same lines are trotted out by every man who has an affair...

Thanks for this really helpful

OP posts:

starsinthegutter · 21/09/2020 21:11

ChodeOfChodeBall · 21/09/2020 21:12

Hmm.

@dm123455, your wife is not "perfect". She is an ordinary human being, with all the good and bad bits the all ordinary human beings have.

Secondly, you and she are not "made for one another". This kind of bollocks comes from fairy-tales. Real, proper relationships are not based on some airy-fairy notion of people being "made for one another". There are thousands of people whom you and your wife could have met, who would have been just as good.

This is where the tricky bit comes in. Given that nobody is "made for" anybody, and relationships are a bit of a slog: are you in for the long haul, including the crap bits? If so, ditch the 'mea culpa' stuff, accept that you did something crap, ask - with your wife - why this happened, and then you both need to take responsibility for it. Affairs don't just happen. Something has to have gone wrong, and both parties need to examine what they could have done differently, if they want to move forward. Your wife is not a saintly victim: there was something very badly wrong in your relationship. Can you and she be adult about it and fix it? That's the question.

I had an affair, btw, so I do understand why people do this.

UnimpressiveUsername · 21/09/2020 21:13

I fear you are going to get a lot of posts telling you how terrible you are for having an affair, but it’s happened now, you can’t change it, I get the feeling you already feel terrible about it and it’s time to look forward. Please see your GP, or call the Samaritans about how you are feeling. It’s good to hear that you have mutual friends who are supporting both you and your wife. How is your communication with your wife at the moment?

QuestionMarkNow · 21/09/2020 21:13

And btw if the price for saving your marriage is to talk, don’t you think it’s worth it?
Yes it’s uncomfortable. And then what? It’s a small price to pay compare to the heartache your DW felt when she learnt you ar a cheater.

User76887 · 21/09/2020 21:13

Just remember how you felt when your wife heard the details of your affair. Use it as fuel to make the appointment for counselling. You said yourself you were a coward having the affair, it's time to move away from that. Your family deserves so much better and it is only you who can change things in the direction they need to go.

Good luck.

Original poster

dm123455 · 21/09/2020 21:14

@RoseTintedAtuin

Thank you for this. To be honest, since the discovery, we have communicated more than ever before. I think I have learned a massive lesson through all of this, that communication is absolutely necessary in any relationship if it is going to work. We have talked and talked and talked about everything. Going back years and years. It has really really helped

OP posts:

ekidmxcl · 21/09/2020 21:15

Look at it this way:

If you didn't feel full of shame for what you did, then it would be worse. At least your feelings indicate remorse and you can probably get through this as a couple.

ravensoaponarope · 21/09/2020 21:15

Please get counselling.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2020 21:16

But some people do genuinely do struggle with talking.

Not talking about the affair or other issues is a luxury you no longer have.

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