Had an affair and now I'm suicidal

[dm123455]

Recently I had an affair
It lasted around 9 months
I've been with my wife for 12 years and we have got 2 wonderful children together
I love and adore her and she does me
But over the last couple of years,we have disconnected from each other. Life is busy with young children and our sex life diminished. I felt as though she didn't love me anymore and instead of communicating with her, I behaved like a complete coward and got into an affair with a woman who showed an interest in me. I have suffered with some mental health issues and have been drinking alcohol a lot. I'm not sure I was thinking straight whilst the affair was going on. The other woman was really into me and accepted that I was married. She told me she was in love with me very early on and clearly had her own emotional issues. She showed me attention and because my self esteem was so low, it made me feel good at the time. There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed. But mainly it made me feel more depressed. It was toxic and the guilt started making me ill. Naturally, my wife and I became even more distant from one another during the affair (because I suppose because of the guilt I withdrew more and more) and as time passed I just didn't know what to do. My life was a mess. My wife is in no way to
blame. The reasons for the affair were completely a reflection on me and where my head was at. My wife is perfect. In the 12 years together I have never cheated or done a wrong to her before and would never have dreamt of it. I look back and don't even recognise the person I was when having the affair. My wife discovered the affair 3 months ago and the affects have been devastating. The affair immediately ended and I havnt looked back since and have had no intentions to what so ever. My wife has decided to give us another chance which I am indescribably grateful for. But the guilt is eating away at me and I just can not believe what I have done to her and my kids. I do not feel worthy of having a woman like her. I am disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed and I'm not sure I'll ever ever get over the shame and the hurt that I have caused to a woman who has done nothing but love and support me since the day we met. I suppose I am looking for advice in relation to how I and we together can move forward. Even if she can find it in herself to forgive me, will I ever forgive myself for behaving so disgracefully and against all of my own morals?

@Krazynights34

OP - do you feel suicidal because you cannot continue with your affair partner? Otherwise, why is the guilt so bad post affair? You don’t need to answer this post but maybe you should think about those questions and be honest (just to yourself). Get counselling- there are many male counsellors who are very capable of letting you be you, with all the gory feelings. You say you adore your wife, but honestly, that just doesn’t ring true. Some days I barely tolerate my OH and I still wouldn’t have an affair. It seems to me that you WANT to adore her. You probably once did. But you got bored. You recognise that other people adore her. But they don’t live with her, have children and bills and sleepless nights etc. You ARE lucky she wants to keep you. But maybe you need to ask yourself some really tough questions, rather than just wither with RETROSPECTIVE guilt.

My feelings of guilt have nothing to do with wanting to continue the affair because if I wanted to, I would have.

Quote" *
You are right. The relationship went to shit. We had many happy years but after we had our first child things started to deteriorate and we had less time for each other. We were sleeping in separate beds because of our child and our sex love really took a dip and often she didn't want sex because she was too tired etc and would say no. I understood that but it affected me and made me feel unwanted. I started going out more, she was going out less. We stopped making time for each other and I refused to talk about any of it*

This is so, so common.

Could have been my marriage..... {and thousands of other people's}

The sex goes , the separate beds creep in....and that is a bad sign.

I think your wife is an amazing woman for having you back for another chance.

@cosmicbabe

Honestly I would let your wife go and let her find someone else so she can start again.

Your affair will never leave you relationship. People try to forget and move on but life is too short to have to deal with the constant no trust and the aftermath of an Affair.
I think you would also feel better in the long run

Good luck

How would we both be happier apart if we have both decided that we love each other enough to fight to make our relationship better? I do not understand that statement at all? She doesn't want to be with anybody else and neither do I

I don’t actually feel sorry for you; you had an affair; that’s it

@Phrowzunn

“I love and adore her” “we love each other dearly. And everyone that knows us knows that we are made for each other”

Sorry - but absolute nonsense. If you really loved her you wouldn’t have been able to bring yourself to do that to her. Not for anything in the world. Never mind repeatedly.
The fact that she has such low self esteem she is willing to take you back is ‘lucky’ for you I guess but it hardly makes it the love story of the century.

I never once said that it is the love story of the century did I? It's a mess and a total shambles

@Monzeitia

I don’t actually feel sorry for you; you had an affair; that’s it

I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I'm asking for advice

@hellotesting123123

OP, we all make mistakes. This was a really big one but sounds like you are starting to fully realise what you did and its consequences. I really hope you can rebuild something with your wife that is bigger and better than what you had originally. No matter what happens though, get help for your mental health as regardless of your relationship status you can be happy.

I hope so too. Thank you

You're not fighting for your marriage . You haven't even booked one counselling session and all you're doing is focussing on your own feelings. You, You, You.

You don't talk about your wife's feelings, other than how it affects you. You don't care about the OWs feelings at all ( not that it's relevant but if she was so disposable why was she worth betraying everyone for?) and you haven't mentioned your children once! You're suicidal and a father, I don't think you actually understand how serious this is. You need to grow the fuck up.

Good God there's so many I's in your post.

I hadn't read this when I posted earlier -
I don't know how she is feeling as I havnt spoken to her? And to be honest at this point I do not care how she is feeling? Should I? Does that make me a bad person?
Yes it does!!!! 9 mths you lied to the OW and your wife. It doesn't matter if the OW knew you were married, you obviously fed her a line to continue for so long . Obviously don't get in touch with her now but please spare her a thought in all this.

You did a bad thing. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. Everyone messes up, especially when we are unhappy. Condem the action but not necessarily the person.

You've stopped it and now you are trying to fix things. Give it time.

@ladamanera

Yes, you suddenly not caring about someone you were intimate with, cared for, cajoled, seduced and whispered to for nine months - because suddenly a part of your life she was not responsible for has come back into focus- , IS horrible behaviour. Are you a “bad person”? Is there such a thing, sociopaths aside? More wallowing comes from that sort of label I suspect. But its a shitty thing to do.

No I'm not a 'horrible person' What I did was horrible What I did to the other woman is also horrible but she knew I had a wife and children and did a horrible thing too so all I can think about at the moment is my wife

Hi OP

You are incredibly lucky to be given a second chance by your wifr, for many of us it would be a complete dealbreaker. I agree therapy would.be higely heloful.

You need to cherish yoir wifr, not through guilt but because uou want to show her you love her. You need to put in a huge amount of effort and thought into how you will earn back trust, make your wife feel loved and wanted
As a minimum, you need to repair her self esteem. She will have been deeply hurt and humiliated by this-you have a lot of work to do to repair the damage.

What the OW did was in no way equal to what you did. You are the one who betrayed your family. Not her.

@User76887

You're not fighting for your marriage . You haven't even booked one counselling session and all you're doing is focussing on your own feelings. You, You, You.

You don't talk about your wife's feelings, other than how it affects you. You don't care about the OWs feelings at all ( not that it's relevant but if she was so disposable why was she worth betraying everyone for?) and you haven't mentioned your children once! You're suicidal and a father, I don't think you actually understand how serious this is. You need to grow the fuck up.

Harsh, but any unfaithful man coming onto Mumsnet when so many of us have been betrayed ourselves is almost masochistic.

I second the Suicide comment.
Children whose parent commits suicide suffer indescribably.
If the parent could see what carnage it wreaks through the psyches of children {any age children} they surely would not have done it.

Good counselling tends to be expensive...but if it is the right kind, it really helps.

@dm123455 A male counsellor would be the best, I think.. Counselling on the NHS might be possible for your alcohol issues, but counselling services have been cut hugely due to funding.

Alcoholics Anonymous could help too... Honesty is incredibly important in addictions and in marriages.

Affairs don't just happen. Something has to have gone wrong, and both parties need to examine what they could have done differently, if they want to move forward.

@ChodeOfChodeBall I don't agree with this. Someone chose to get their dick wet and only one person did that. OP's wife isn't a saintly victim but she is innocent in this respect at least (as far as we know.)

@dm123455 If you are suicidal you need to make an emergency appointment with your GP.

Oh and I've known someone whose dad committed suicide. That was due to his infidelity too, he thought he had AIDS from prostitutes; turns out he just had shingles. It was incredibly damaging to his children.

People who have a relative who commits suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves- I assume that's not what you want for your kids.

You reply to cosmicbabe saying you don’t understand how she could possibly think you and your wife would be happier apart, then reply to me in the next post saying your marriage is a mess and a shambles. Well, there’s your answer. Your wife would be happier in a new relationship with a man who actually loves, values and respects her. Instead you want her to spend the rest of her life wondering whether you’re going to pu the rug out from under her feet again, wondering if it was her fault, wondering if she’s doing the right thing, setting the right example for your children, imagining you fucking another woman... feeling like she’s going to collapse under the weight of her grief.
Wow she’s going to have such a happy life.

Until you book and attend at least five counseling sessions, I wouldn't even give you thé time of day, if I was your wife.

Be proactive. Be open. Stop wallowing. Show her that you are committed. Accept that you have destroyed her trust, turned her world upside down and shat all over your lives.

Be grateful that she is willing to try to move past this.

Your wife is not perfect. No one is. Don't put her on a pedestal. You are displaying Black and White thinking which is very counterproductive for getting over this. You need to explain to her that it was a mistake you regret deeply and that you are certain it will never happen again. You love her and your children and will never jeopardise their security and happiness or yours with them.
Then focus on the present and the future. You need to sort out your depression and drinking because both of these can cloud your judgement.

You need (much easier said than done) to find a way to reconnect with your wife. DH and I found the best way to do this was as a family, as due to SEN, we rarely got any time away from DC and had no support system. So we just decided to have the best fun ever all together - days out - either just mucking about in the woods or going to steam railways, fun fairs, seaside, museums and shows etc. At home do stuff together- play in the garden as a family - ball games, water fights, camping on the lawn. Inside, cooking, movie nights etc. Of course this doesn't bring back romantic closeness but it does strengthen your bond and trust me, as a woman, I massively started to respect my DH more when he put more effort in as a dad and with us as a family group.

If you have family nearby or a babysitting circle - take time off together. Start by just having fun together- no pressure to jump into bed at a fancy hotel - just get back the romance and fun and the rest can follow. And don't put your energy into self-pity and self-hatred. It's better spent on building strong bonds with your wife and DC.

I am sorry you and your wife are in such a tough place at the moment

Why did you post on Mumsnet for advice? What are you looking for from women specifically that you feel your wife cannot give you?

You say you are communicating well, but are you able to be 100% raw and honest with her? When you put someone on a pedestal you strip them of a bit of their humanity. Beware of black/white good/bad type thinking. She is a complex human being, just like you.

Affairs generally happen when 1 person turns to someone other than their spouse to meet what they consider to be unmet needs. It seems to me that by bringing your problems to a forum full of women, you are perhaps still trying to do that.

Couples counselling would be a great place to start.

She could have gone elsewhere but she didn't

Is this because she didn't have the opportunity, or for some other reason? That's one thing to unscramble.

I had an affair for all kinds of complicated reasons. My marriage had been over for a very, very long time before I had an affair, though. By the time I had got to the affair stage, I had long since wished fervently that my XH would have an affair, just to give him something to think about apart from himself.

But that's how a toxic marriage works.

One thing I do know, having had a previous affair, is that being found out tends to jerk you into feeling something along the lines of "OMG, I just want everything to go back to normal, and as quickly as possible, or I just won't be able to cope with all the emotional fallout, and might as well be dead".

In reality, though, if you are going to work through an affair, it is a very, very long road. You would have to unscramble why it happened, and what part you and your wife played in it. Would she have had an affair, had the opportunity have arisen? There's an awful lot to work through. If you really do want it to work, as opposed to having a knee-jerk reaction which makes you want to re-establish the status quo asap, I think you might both need to involve a counsellor. Everything you say about your wife being perfect, ideal etc means she's on a pedestal which no ordinary woman could ever live up to - or that you are idealising her because of what has happened. Neither is conducive to a good relationship.

You would also have to be open to the idea that you might both be better off apart.

Yep, 9 months and you only stopped because you got busted.

You didn't talk to anyone about it because you find talking so hard? Really? Wouldn't you say it was probably more about keeping it as quiet as you could so that you could go on shagging around?

Eaten up with guilt and all the rest of it doesn't really work as a 'dog ate my homework' for that long I'm afraid.

Owning it doesn't mean beating your chest in a me me me ohhh how awful am I outpouring. It means really being honest - putting your hand up and saying yes, I was sneaking out the door eager to get to hers and jump into bed, and I fucking enjoyed it, and I didn't consider my wife one little bit.

And now of course you are suicidal? Folk above have said what needs to be said there. GROW THE FUCK UP.

all I can think about at the moment is my wife

well that must be a strange feeling.

Yes, you do sound like a horrible person. A weak, deceitful, shallow horrible person.

Is this real

@SoulofanAggron

Affairs don't just happen. Something has to have gone wrong, and both parties need to examine what they could have done differently, if they want to move forward.

@ChodeOfChodeBall I don't agree with this. Someone chose to get their dick wet and only one person did that. OP's wife isn't a saintly victim but she is innocent in this respect at least (as far as we know.)

@dm123455 If you are suicidal you need to make an emergency appointment with your GP.

With respect, Soul, I think it's very, very rare for anyone to have an affair if their relationship is generally good. I am probably older than you (nearly 50), and my views on affairs now are different from the way they were when I was younger. My experience and observation suggests that something has to be rotten at the core of a relationship for either party to have an affair. It's very rarely because they fancy having a shag with someone a bit different.