Had an affair and now I'm suicidal

[dm123455]

Recently I had an affair
It lasted around 9 months
I've been with my wife for 12 years and we have got 2 wonderful children together
I love and adore her and she does me
But over the last couple of years,we have disconnected from each other. Life is busy with young children and our sex life diminished. I felt as though she didn't love me anymore and instead of communicating with her, I behaved like a complete coward and got into an affair with a woman who showed an interest in me. I have suffered with some mental health issues and have been drinking alcohol a lot. I'm not sure I was thinking straight whilst the affair was going on. The other woman was really into me and accepted that I was married. She told me she was in love with me very early on and clearly had her own emotional issues. She showed me attention and because my self esteem was so low, it made me feel good at the time. There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed. But mainly it made me feel more depressed. It was toxic and the guilt started making me ill. Naturally, my wife and I became even more distant from one another during the affair (because I suppose because of the guilt I withdrew more and more) and as time passed I just didn't know what to do. My life was a mess. My wife is in no way to
blame. The reasons for the affair were completely a reflection on me and where my head was at. My wife is perfect. In the 12 years together I have never cheated or done a wrong to her before and would never have dreamt of it. I look back and don't even recognise the person I was when having the affair. My wife discovered the affair 3 months ago and the affects have been devastating. The affair immediately ended and I havnt looked back since and have had no intentions to what so ever. My wife has decided to give us another chance which I am indescribably grateful for. But the guilt is eating away at me and I just can not believe what I have done to her and my kids. I do not feel worthy of having a woman like her. I am disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed and I'm not sure I'll ever ever get over the shame and the hurt that I have caused to a woman who has done nothing but love and support me since the day we met. I suppose I am looking for advice in relation to how I and we together can move forward. Even if she can find it in herself to forgive me, will I ever forgive myself for behaving so disgracefully and against all of my own morals?

@dm123455 I haven’t read the full thread but I am someone who has had suicidal thoughts and actions throughout my life and still battle regularly with them. My DH always reminds me that no matter what I feel about myself, it would shatter DD if I did this.

I know you feel that you may not deserve the love of your DC, and if they know or find out what happened they may feel they hate you. But even if they felt that way, with you alive you still give them reassurance. If you ended things, you can never be there for them, and even worse, they could end up blaming themselves.

You can still put so much into your relationship with them, and even if they chose to reject it, you could still be there for them like a living safety net.

You know you did a shitty thing, but that doesn’t make you a shitty person full stop. Get some professional help. Every moment going forward is an opportunity to do the right thing. You may not alway get it right but there is a hell of a lot worse things you could have done in this world. And you have a chance to make things better, whichever way this goes. You can learn to accept your mistakes and acknowledge how you got there, how you feel when you are that vulnerable and how to prevent that low and get tools in place to deal with your suicidal thoughts.

You don’t deserve to die over this. Don’t fuck up your kids anymore.

well my sentiment here got my first ever post deletion. Ouch!

Why are you working on cutting down alcohol?
You need to STOP DRINKING RIGHT NOW

I've just read the first 2 pages and in typical style you're mostly getting flamed because you're a man.

The guilt can be a hindrance towards a successful reconciliation.

I'll send you a list of things that help reconcile, that you should do.

A place that can also provide support for wayward/cheating spouses and help you understand the pain you're wife is going through is www.survivinginfidelity.com

There's a wayward spouse thread.

We're all only human. No husband or wife is perfect and a good book for you is "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" By Linda Macdonald.

Take suicide off your mind and start forgiving yourself.

Ignore the posts you find unhelpful and insulting...some people are lacking in empathy and not worth even responding to.

@ChodeOfChodeBall I'm 43 and have been the OW a fair few times. I suppose there are all sorts of reasons men do it. But people tend to say on here that it's never the wife's fault and I think that's right.

Certainly some men are looking just to get laid BTW. And any attendant psychological buzz they get alongside the physical one.

@Ladamanera, yes, it is a shitty thing to do, but I’m presuming the OW knew he was married and aware of the ever present risk that if found out, he might choose his marriage over her? The only way for their marriage to get back on track is for him to do exactly what he has done: explain why to the OW and then cut all contact for good. She knew he was married. If this was a post from a wife about her husband getting a second chance when he hadn’t cut all ties with the OW, the OP would get a very rough ride here indeed.
Affairs are shitty for everyone in the triangle. But once a choice has been made, if the marriage stands a chance at all, the third party has to leave the stage. Shitty for them, too, absolutely, but then it’s a truly shitty thing to do to fuck a married man whose wife knows nothing about it, whatever he says, whispers, seduces or cajoles. I hope the OP and the OW seek counselling. The OW needs to have a long hard look at her own behaviour and self esteem issues and find out why she was happy to have sex with a man who went home to his wife as soon as he put his clothes back on, whatever he said to her. He was lying to his wife, surely she had wondered if he was lying to her, too? Horrible situation all round. Whatever the issues in a marriage, affairs just lob in a hand grenade.

@VickySunshine

Is this real

Or is this just fantasy... misses point of thread channels inner Freddy

the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Dont kill yourself , everyone cheats on there partnet , even if its not physical, we all mind fuck other people..... lol. Chill brother.

Think of your children because if you leave them you will be remembered as a coward.

keep your misses, she is solid. The other one is happy to cheat after all. You know that.

It's harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive someone else. I understand that having been there many years ago. However you have another chance and if you keep yourself straight, in a few years you can put it behind you.

I've come across others over the years who had a brief affair and frightened themselves to death realising what they stood to lose; they never did it again.

Let you be one of those and good luck.

He didnt have a brief affair though.

I will never have anything to do with the other woman again.

You sound hostile towards her. You don't say that she's married so I assume she was free and single. You were the one who cheated. It was pragmatic to drop her like a stone, but it's a shame you couldn't find any civility for someone who liked enough to be with for nine months.

You sound self obsessed, and I think you'll be just fine.

keep your misses, she is solid. The other one is happy to cheat after all. You know that.

She didn't cheat. There's only one person in this scenario who was "happy to cheat", and it was the married person.

I’m surprised nobody has said this but I honestly think you need to split up with your wife. She deserves respect and love and you haven’t been providing that.
You the need to work on your own issues and get counselling, maybe even together.

But sort the issues before staying together. You can’t work through this whilst you’re feeling this way op.

Please don’t end your life over it, that’s just going to cause more hurt and upset.

She’s giving you another chance and that’s still not enough for you to be happy, it speaks volumes for your relationship.

When you say you have been actively working on cutting down drinking what do you mean?
You said she wants you to drink less?
Are you an alcoholic or problem drinker? because if that's the case you should already be in AA.

You need to also book an appointment with a therapist ASAP (because no one knows if there will be more lockdowns and so on so all of that might be put on hold) as you can't put all of this on your wife as she has her own issues to deal with and she absolutely can't be the one to counsel you and feel sorry for you when you're in turmoil over the affair.

Do you feel any guilt about the way you treated the other woman? Therapy would be a good place to get that out too.

It's interesting that you only left your mistress after your wife had found out about your affair. Had she not and the affair would have continued even though you say you love your wife and that she is perfect. So, as I understand you only have realised how much you love your wife after she had found out about your affair It's very typical though not only for men but also for the women.
Your relationship with your wife may never become the same but you got to be there for your children. Sometimes partners forgive the affair but because they can't forget it they can't lead a normal relationship anymore and break up eventually.

@FizzyGreenWater

He didnt have a brief affair though.

Well a brief 'liaison' then, nine months; it amounts to the same thing, the other woman was in love with him. I would call that an affair.

Anyway it is well and truly over and the op must do his best to put it behind him and cherish his wife. He could have lost her!

Working on cutting down drinking?

Assuming because you've mentioned it, it's something you believe was a contributing factor to you cheating and something your wife wants to change.

So if you've truly seen the error of your ways and would do anything to make your wife feel safe and secure, why haven't you just stopped completely at least while you're working on things?

If you can't do that for her immediately then you should leave and seek treatment / AA first. Otherwise she's going to be helping an addict recover as well as someone who has cheated.

Do you not feel able to just stop drinking? If not there's a serious problem that needs addressing before anything else.

Do your wife a favour and split up. You’ve been found out. Own this mess like a man. You screwed another woman for months and now you’re all fragile and can’t go in? I don’t buy it. Quit the whining self pity. Suicide seems preferable to staying with your ‘perfect’ wife? Bullshit. You don’t love her and you can’t pretend you do. That’s why you’re an alcoholic cheat.

Stop fucking your wife and family around.

Your poor wife.
Could I ask were you feeling suicidal during the affair ?

Has your mental health been deteriorating for some time.

When my (now Ex) husband had an affair - we immediately separated, as soon as I found out - my primary concern was that his guilt and angst would lead him to drinking too much and/or suicide. Because that was the language he was speaking. These would have been - excuse the caps - the WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME FOR THE CHILDREN. As an adult, yes bereaved because my marriage was over, I did not want or need a disaster to befall the father of my children. I hated him, I resented him, but I needed him to succeed as a parent and to work his way out. Please: seek the help you need to save you. Do not frame it in your wife’s expectations or in your own shame, but in your aspiration to be around for your kids. Please accept that your marriage may or ay not survive, and do not make that your end goal, but do take responsibility for the next phase of your parenting life. I wish you well, but you need to take courageous steps to galvanise your own desire to stick around, in whatever capacity that means.

As someone who was the other woman (me single, him married) for nearly five years; reading your post and subsequent replies reminds me so much of him. If your timeline were different I would in fact believe you were him. He was weak, pathetic and a liar too.

It is so easy to say you stayed in the affair as you were scared the OW would “out you” to your wife. I am assuming you would say you told her things she wanted to hear, carried on sleeping with her etc, etc. to keep her sweet?

Regardless of how much you have talked since it came out, regardless of how much you now profess to love you wife and want to make it work....deep down it is all bull. As others have said, had your wife not found out you would have continued the affair. Where was the guilt when you were shagging the OW? Where was the love and respect for you wife?

Man up. Stop drinking, call the Samaritans and see your GP for the suicidal thoughts. Then do the decent thing and leave your wife so she can be free to find someone who respects her enough to keep it in his pants regardless of how “unloved” he may be feeling.

Defensive aren’t we OP?
Not feeling so suicidally guilt ridden after all.
I think you thought you’d get lots of advice on how to “move forward” (sell your bullshit).
Your response to my earlier post tells me everything I would need to know and so now I say your wife should leave you.
That’s not because you are a man but because you are evidently a manipulative liar. I pity your wife, and that makes me angry.
And the poor OW. You speak so callously about someone you spent months fucking and letting her care about you.
I suspect you’d like it very much if you were single and free to play the field and not have to fake the pity party in the face of all the friends and family shame

Unbelievable