Had an affair and now I'm suicidal

[dm123455]

Recently I had an affair
It lasted around 9 months
I've been with my wife for 12 years and we have got 2 wonderful children together
I love and adore her and she does me
But over the last couple of years,we have disconnected from each other. Life is busy with young children and our sex life diminished. I felt as though she didn't love me anymore and instead of communicating with her, I behaved like a complete coward and got into an affair with a woman who showed an interest in me. I have suffered with some mental health issues and have been drinking alcohol a lot. I'm not sure I was thinking straight whilst the affair was going on. The other woman was really into me and accepted that I was married. She told me she was in love with me very early on and clearly had her own emotional issues. She showed me attention and because my self esteem was so low, it made me feel good at the time. There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed. But mainly it made me feel more depressed. It was toxic and the guilt started making me ill. Naturally, my wife and I became even more distant from one another during the affair (because I suppose because of the guilt I withdrew more and more) and as time passed I just didn't know what to do. My life was a mess. My wife is in no way to
blame. The reasons for the affair were completely a reflection on me and where my head was at. My wife is perfect. In the 12 years together I have never cheated or done a wrong to her before and would never have dreamt of it. I look back and don't even recognise the person I was when having the affair. My wife discovered the affair 3 months ago and the affects have been devastating. The affair immediately ended and I havnt looked back since and have had no intentions to what so ever. My wife has decided to give us another chance which I am indescribably grateful for. But the guilt is eating away at me and I just can not believe what I have done to her and my kids. I do not feel worthy of having a woman like her. I am disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed and I'm not sure I'll ever ever get over the shame and the hurt that I have caused to a woman who has done nothing but love and support me since the day we met. I suppose I am looking for advice in relation to how I and we together can move forward. Even if she can find it in herself to forgive me, will I ever forgive myself for behaving so disgracefully and against all of my own morals?

@Wishingstarr

What has your wife told you she wants? Has she told you what would help your relationship in her mind?

Yes. She wants us to be a proper family. For me to drink less, be around more. She wants us to spend more quality time together. We have thoroughly discussed the next steps and what needs to change and are both in agreement in respect of everything we have discussed

Nine months, you managed to swallow your shame to keep shagging her for nine whole months and only stopped when you were caught.

Are you posting this on here so your wife can read it?

Is there any chance you are Catholic OP? Confession can really help when we need forgiveness and we can't forgive ourselves.

I actually read a lot of minimising here.

You were out of your head, behaved totally out of character, were affected by alcohol and mental health issues, don’t know what you were thinking etc. lots about how much you’ve suffered, how guilty you feel, how ashamed you are.

No recognition of wrongdoing or that you were happy for your wife to suffer. No recognition that this is a massive deal, and you did it, and therefore it’s not out of character. It is definitely within your character. We know this because yiu did it.

You have a lot of work to do.

@ChodeOfChodeBall

Hmm.

@dm123455, your wife is not "perfect". She is an ordinary human being, with all the good and bad bits the all ordinary human beings have.

Secondly, you and she are not "made for one another". This kind of bollocks comes from fairy-tales. Real, proper relationships are not based on some airy-fairy notion of people being "made for one another". There are thousands of people whom you and your wife could have met, who would have been just as good.

This is where the tricky bit comes in. Given that nobody is "made for" anybody, and relationships are a bit of a slog: are you in for the long haul, including the crap bits? If so, ditch the 'mea culpa' stuff, accept that you did something crap, ask - with your wife - why this happened, and then you both need to take responsibility for it. Affairs don't just happen. Something has to have gone wrong, and both parties need to examine what they could have done differently, if they want to move forward. Your wife is not a saintly victim: there was something very badly wrong in your relationship. Can you and she be adult about it and fix it? That's the question.

I had an affair, btw, so I do understand why people do this.

You are right. The relationship went to shit. We had many happy years but after we had our first child things started to deteriorate and we had less time for each other. We were sleeping in separate beds because of our child and our sex love really took a dip and often she didn't want sex because she was too tired etc and would say no. I understood that but it affected me and made me feel unwanted. I started going out more, she was going out less. We stopped making time for each other and I refused to talk about any of it. She did try to be fair but gave up in the end as I refused to openly discuss our issues. In the end we resented each other. And it felt as though it went that far that there was no way back. Even though there was. And I see that now! We both regret things. But in the end. It was me that fucked up not her. We were both unhappy. She could have gone elsewhere but she didn't.

You are very lucky. I would never trust you again. Mumsnet can’t absolve you for all the hurt you’ve caused, only you can do that. Work on building the best possible life for your whole family, yourself included. I wish you luck.

@UnimpressiveUsername

I fear you are going to get a lot of posts telling you how terrible you are for having an affair, but it’s happened now, you can’t change it, I get the feeling you already feel terrible about it and it’s time to look forward. Please see your GP, or call the Samaritans about how you are feeling. It’s good to hear that you have mutual friends who are supporting both you and your wife. How is your communication with your wife at the moment?

We have communicated more since this came out than we probably have in about 5 years

With respect, you’ve posted on a predominantly female platform, one which seems to hate men with a passion It’s a real nest of vipers....so your ‘advice’ is probably going to be savage.

If you feel suicidal please see your G.P or the Samaritans. If you can’t face counselling, talk to your wife about why the affair started and about how you both feel. How you can move forward and rebuild the trust. Would she like to try counselling? You may need to move out of your comfort zone in order to recover your relationship, if that’s what your wife wants/needs.

How is the OW feeling now? I haven't notice you saying she is OK now? Maybe she has no one to go back to?

@ekidmxcl

Look at it this way:

If you didn't feel full of shame for what you did, then it would be worse. At least your feelings indicate remorse and you can probably get through this as a couple.

Believe me I don't think I could feel any worse. And since it came out I havnt thought about the other woman once. And if I have, all I have thought it what the hell was I thinking???? Maybe during the affair I thought she meant something to me. There were times when she made me feel good about myself. But then times when I felt horrendous. It's really really hard to explain. I'm not sure anyone would understand unless they have had an affair themselves. Either way it was just toxic

@trixiebelden77

I actually read a lot of minimising here.

You were out of your head, behaved totally out of character, were affected by alcohol and mental health issues, don’t know what you were thinking etc. lots about how much you’ve suffered, how guilty you feel, how ashamed you are.

No recognition of wrongdoing or that you were happy for your wife to suffer. No recognition that this is a massive deal, and you did it, and therefore it’s not out of character. It is definitely within your character. We know this because yiu did it.

You have a lot of work to do.

Of course there is recognition about what I have done to my wife. I wouldn't feel the way I do unless I had recognised the damaged I have caused her would I??

@dm123455

''The sex stopped after kids''.... Sadly this is such a common problem.

Children massively change a relationship, {I'm a woman who was cheated on by husband} ..and if there is any weaknesses in that relationship, children will act like a wedge..as the more immature party cannot bear being 'taken for granted'.

The REAL losers when a marriage splits up from infidelity are of course the Children.

The adults hurt, but the kid/s really pay the price.

Men 'DO' think differently to women, they are more visual, more able to compartmentalise , and tend to be more selfish {generalisations here, but just what I have observed}.

IF your wife is good enough to 'give it another go' {I wouldn't!} be prepared for her to be very anxious, moody, distrusting &c.

A young woman said her dad had an affair, and they 'gave it a second chance' but her mother has some real deep seated anger and resentment 20 or so years later..... He pays. Still.

Counselling may help, but once trust has been betrayed, it is like when a precious object has been smashed....It can be repaired, but is never quite the same again.

And as for Suicide..Please do not do that...Children suffer so much when a parent does that...it isn't the right thing to do for anyone, you or your family... things always improve.

Good luck.

Op I won't trot out the same advice given on here about the affair but I really think you need to get your mental health back on track to deal with the big stuff. I won't kick you while you are down. I think you made a mistake but you aren't evil. And you are torturing yourself for it.

Please see your gp and ask for some support. They won't judge you. I also second getting counselling. Acceptance and commitment therapy is brilliant. Do this first so you're in a healthier place for your wife and you don't resort to the bottle. Then look st therapy for you as a family. I wish you all the best.

For someone that struggles to talk (about feelings) you're doing a pretty good job on here! If you prefer online chat, try Alcoholics anonymous online. It's free and as it says in the name anonymous.

It's actually tediously predictable for a man to turn to an affair after the birth of a child. You feel pushed out, you're not number one now- you're children are. Welcome to real life .You have to accept that or family life won't work.

Couples can move on from affairs. It's possible and I wish you both well.

@tara66

How is the OW feeling now? I haven't notice you saying she is OK now? Maybe she has no one to go back to?

I don't know how she is feeling as I havnt spoken to her? And to be honest at this point I do not care how she is feeling? Should I? Does that make me a bad person?

I agree with thebposter who said you should be showing your wife why she made the right choice, not continuing to rub her nose in it with self-Pity and remorse and threats of suicide. You’ve already shaken her trust in you, don’t shake her respect in you as well- Or guilt trip her out of her natural angry reactions.
People do have affairs when marriages lose their way. They often realise too late and you have been given a second chance. Dont waste it in wallowing!
I’m also interested in the OW’s mental health after being dropped like a stone after 9 months-When you acknowledge she liked you. She will have heard you tell her your marriage was dead (whatever you said, your actions showed it). She also gave you her trust. It seems you are continuing to treat other people like they are dispensable bit parts in your life. A change in that attitude would reap huge rewards in every area of your character development.

It wasn't against your morals at all. You just thought you were a different person to the one you are. You won't make any "progress" until you stop shifting the blame onto circumstances and get real with yourself. Whinging wailing and gnashing of teeth is all very melodramatic but it won't change anything.

OP - do you feel suicidal because you cannot continue with your affair partner?
Otherwise, why is the guilt so bad post affair?
You don’t need to answer this post but maybe you should think about those questions and be honest (just to yourself). Get counselling- there are many male counsellors who are very capable of letting you be you, with all the gory feelings.
You say you adore your wife, but honestly, that just doesn’t ring true. Some days I barely tolerate my OH and I still wouldn’t have an affair.
It seems to me that you WANT to adore her. You probably once did. But you got bored. You recognise that other people adore her. But they don’t live with her, have children and bills and sleepless nights etc.
You ARE lucky she wants to keep you. But maybe you need to ask yourself some really tough questions, rather than just wither with RETROSPECTIVE guilt.

Yes, you suddenly not caring about someone you were intimate with, cared for, cajoled, seduced and whispered to for nine months - because suddenly a part of your life she was not responsible for has come back into focus- , IS horrible behaviour.
Are you a “bad person”? Is there such a thing, sociopaths aside? More wallowing comes from that sort of label I suspect. But its a shitty thing to do.

OP, we all make mistakes. This was a really big one but sounds like you are starting to fully realise what you did and its consequences. I really hope you can rebuild something with your wife that is bigger and better than what you had originally. No matter what happens though, get help for your mental health as regardless of your relationship status you can be happy.

“I love and adore her”
“we love each other dearly. And everyone that knows us knows that we are made for each other”

Sorry - but absolute nonsense. If you really loved her you wouldn’t have been able to bring yourself to do that to her. Not for anything in the world. Never mind repeatedly.
The fact that she has such low self esteem she is willing to take you back is ‘lucky’ for you I guess but it hardly makes it the love story of the century.

Stop saying your wife was perfect and you are made for each other. That's obviously not true and she will know that too and will make it much harder for her to understand why you had the affair! If you couldn't talk about your problems, why didn't she? To have an affair for 9 mths and not notice anything was going on sounds like she'd checked out of the relationship too maybe?
I think you need to get professional help, see a doctor about depression. Have you had any time apart to process all that's happened? If not, that might help you both. You need to sort your head out before you can start to heal the relationship.

Honestly I would let your wife go and let her find someone else so she can start again.

Your affair will never leave you relationship. People try to forget and move on but life is too short to have to deal with the constant no trust and the aftermath of an Affair.
I think you would also feel better in the long run

Good luck