Had an affair and now I'm suicidal

[dm123455]

Recently I had an affair
It lasted around 9 months
I've been with my wife for 12 years and we have got 2 wonderful children together
I love and adore her and she does me
But over the last couple of years,we have disconnected from each other. Life is busy with young children and our sex life diminished. I felt as though she didn't love me anymore and instead of communicating with her, I behaved like a complete coward and got into an affair with a woman who showed an interest in me. I have suffered with some mental health issues and have been drinking alcohol a lot. I'm not sure I was thinking straight whilst the affair was going on. The other woman was really into me and accepted that I was married. She told me she was in love with me very early on and clearly had her own emotional issues. She showed me attention and because my self esteem was so low, it made me feel good at the time. There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed. But mainly it made me feel more depressed. It was toxic and the guilt started making me ill. Naturally, my wife and I became even more distant from one another during the affair (because I suppose because of the guilt I withdrew more and more) and as time passed I just didn't know what to do. My life was a mess. My wife is in no way to
blame. The reasons for the affair were completely a reflection on me and where my head was at. My wife is perfect. In the 12 years together I have never cheated or done a wrong to her before and would never have dreamt of it. I look back and don't even recognise the person I was when having the affair. My wife discovered the affair 3 months ago and the affects have been devastating. The affair immediately ended and I havnt looked back since and have had no intentions to what so ever. My wife has decided to give us another chance which I am indescribably grateful for. But the guilt is eating away at me and I just can not believe what I have done to her and my kids. I do not feel worthy of having a woman like her. I am disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed and I'm not sure I'll ever ever get over the shame and the hurt that I have caused to a woman who has done nothing but love and support me since the day we met. I suppose I am looking for advice in relation to how I and we together can move forward. Even if she can find it in herself to forgive me, will I ever forgive myself for behaving so disgracefully and against all of my own morals?

OP comes across as very self obsessed and out of touch about how his actions affect others.

All the excessive emoting comes across as bullshit. I don't buy it.

OP needs to be honest about himself and his relationships to ever get anywhere with counselling. Many people find it difficult to face the truth and can't do it. They are often the people that need it most.

I think OP needs individual counselling and needs to force himself to do it. I think the marriage needs to be given space until he sorts himself out a bit.

There's a continuing theme as to why you did it and why there are barriers to sorting it out better and why you've posted about feeling suicidal. The theme is you, you are coming across as too self absorbed. It's all how hurt you felt when you see how devastated your wife reacted. Before that, how being too tired for sex after the baby made you feel regected, so your answer was to go out more, thus meaning that she had no choice but to go out less, and then likely more tired herself and sad because you left her to care on her own for your child that you are equally responsible for - no wonder you became distant to each other, but you created that. Now back to this thread and your suicidal feelings are what consume you and how crap you are.
Want to make things as good as possible under the circumstances? Just stop concentrating so hard on how you feel all the time and think about how others feel, it's all you need to do, it was all you ever needed to do, if you'd done that in the first place it would of stopped you having an affair. Because that's what people who don't have affairs despite do, they think of the person they love and the consequences. You need to learn this fast, being suicidal is your inner ego still being too big and absorbed in itself. Just think of others, before your own needs, if you are incapable of that, you will just end up having another affair when things get tough again.

I would suggest counselling for your guilt.

It seems your putting your wife on a pedestal out of fear.
Are you affraid of retribution from her?

You must alow your wife to grieve for the marriage that you have ruined.
Its almost like emotional blackmail to start threatening suicide.

You have said your wife loves you and you love her, but did you?
In my opinion you don't emotionally connect with somone else and really believe you know what love is.

Thats not love

Give your wife time to think...
Shes in shock
Yes she may decide further down the line to forgive or....

decide shes worth more and find someone who knows what love actually means.

I find it hard to comprehend some of the posts on here to an OP who states in the subject header he is suicidal. If this was in real life and happening in front of you as opposed to online and OP was stood somewhere looking like he was about to end his life I think you would all be reacting differently. Saying things like nothing can be that bad to want to take your own life, think of your loved ones.

OP, in my view you are clearly sorry for what you have done. Your wife wants to give you a second chance so you need to do everything you can to make your marriage work. Start the counselling ASAP and make sure you are taking care of your mental health and dealing with your alcohol problems.

Everyone makes mistakes, I have and I’m sure most people on here have too, obviously to varying degrees. Ignore all the judgements and concentrate on what’s important.

Please remove any thoughts of suicide as its not the answer. You would create so much more grief for your family. Think of your wife and what about your children?
A family member of mine committed suicide recently and the fallout had been catastrophic. So upsetting. Im glad i didn't have to explain it to his very young child. And it doesn't end there. There is the funeral, the gossip and eventually the coroners court before anyone can even begin the grief process.
If you still think that suicide is the answer please get yourself to the doctor immediately.

Honestly, I have to judge any man who decides to come on mumnet (of all places!) to state he is a cheater and seek sympathy.

You have lied and manipulated your wife for 9 months. Now you decide to come on a female dominated forum, for what? Again this is an act, a power play to make yourself feel better.

You had a range of ethical options to use to deal with your personal and marital issues. Instead, you chose to devalue and make a fool of your wife, and destabilize your children’s home, all for an ego massage and secret sex.

Remorse is necessary, but your self-flagellation is counterproductive, as it will block your growth and sabotage the recovery of your marriage. It also smacks of the same self-absorption that led to your infidelity and disloyalty. Take off the hair shirt and channel your energy into helping your wife heal. You must be willing to make great efforts to restore trust and rebuild true intimacy. It could take years.

It is vitally important that you work on yourself in individual counseling. Your character flaws that enabled you to lie and cheat are still present. You need to dig deep to investigate your poor coping strategies, weak boundaries, and sense of entitlement. Examine your triggers and learn how to safeguard your fidelity. Share what you learn about yourself with your wife.

You are going to have to stop drinking. Seek the necessary support. Your health and the survival of your marriage and family depend on it.

Your wife would benefit from the support of individual counseling as she processes her grief and anger, rebuilds her self-esteem, and makes decisions.

Couples counseling right now is a bad idea. Relationship issues were not responsible for your choice to cheat.

Omg DM1 - do not listen to all this ranting!!!!!!

You're doing ok, I think. Your (plural, joint) relationship was sliding and neither of you were taking action to sort it. You ended up doing something ultimately very reckless. Now it's all come out and you've been given a chance to sort things out.

Your response should be: happy!

You and your wife can make this work. But please please do look into counselling, together.

And of course don't beat yourself up. Many of us do reckless things sometimes as a way of 'coping' with something unbearable. The alcohol is another example of this. The rejection, distance and lack of love was unbearable to you. Now you've learned that actually the way to resolve that is turning to your wife and working it out with her.

As for the OW - now I will get vehement!
No I'm not a 'horrible person'
What I did was horrible
What I did to the other woman is also horrible but she knew I had a wife and children and did a horrible thing too so all I can think about at the moment is my wife
Quite right too.
Let us not forget what the OW did - she knew you were married with children. She took advantage of your marital slump. (Many MNetters will disagree with me but my position is that if you fuck a married man, you are potentially interfering in the lives of his wife and family - and you just shouldn't).
And ... she then inflicted maximum hurt on your wife and you by giving all the details. She took revenge.

So ... really no you should not be worrying in the least about the OW. My goodness no. You have enough people to worry about!! And she has been an absolute bitch so let her sort herself out. NOT your concern, or responsibility.

Feeling you are worthless and pointless because of guilt is understandable, but actually ultimately the most pointless thing to do. The best way to make things right and good again is to get counselling to help you park all this experience and move on. Build up your marriage to be stronger. And happier. There is real enduring love there. You've got it. That's great. And children. Your family.

It feels humiliating and shocking, I know, the realisation that it was you who did this stupid, awful thing. But now you have to leave it and move on. Literally forget about it. It's behind you all.

By the sounds of it you have probably devastated 2 women's life's.
I was stupid enough to get involved with a married man, told me he loved me and I fell for him too. He just ghosted me. I hope you were at least decent enough not to break your ap heart too and give her an explanation. Reading this made brought it all back.. I stopped it and never looked back. .. sounds so familiar

I haven't read the full thread didn't get past the first page. I know I shouldn't have got involved with a married man and I will always carry that guilt. He also shouldn't have carried on pursuing me just to break my heart

Wow @dm123455

You would get different responses if you were a depressed or suicidal woman.

Ignore the rantings from here and get professional help. Speak to your doctor and get a counselling service set up.

Good luck

@thecatsarecrazy

I haven't read the full thread didn't get past the first page. I know I shouldn't have got involved with a married man and I will always carry that guilt. He also shouldn't have carried on pursuing me just to break my heart

But did you also ring up his wife and give her every detail?

It's one thing to fuck someone else's husband, but it's quite another to attack his wife.

I think the OP owes OW zip, for that alone.

You need to start putting your wifes and childs feelings first at the moment. Suicide is the cowards way out, it will leave her alone, consoling and caring for the kid(s) alone and probably financially worse off. Also, you need therapy, and if you find it uncomfortable to talk then so be it. You shouldn't be comfortable while trying to make this right. Stop thinking about your own feelings first and foremost snd start prioritising your family as a whole.

There’s nothing to chose between someone who knowingly shags a married man/woman and the married person who is doing it they are weak selfish people who only care about getting what they want .
That said you seem genuinely remorseful , and have seen the devastation caused to your family by your affair . You know you are really lucky she has given you another chance , 9 months ..that’s a big fucking mistake , literally .
You ask how you can fix it . Go to counseling , either as a couple or by yourself You don’t like talking , I get it , but at this point it’s not about you right ? It might help you really understand the deep seated reasons of why you cheated on her .
Secondly you’ve been given a second chance , don’t blow it . She can ask what she wants , when she wants , even if you feel it’s repetitive and you don’t want to discuss it anymore . If she wants to know something you need to give her the honest answers . You can’t afford to do anything to make her feel less than , you’ll need to give her lots of reassurance and be as transparent as you’ve ever been with anyone in your life . She needs access to your phone . She needs to feel like if she wants to pick it up and look through it at any given point she can . Some may disagree but it’s part of the transparency thing . You better not look sideways at another woman either .
Make her realise how you understand exactly what you’ve done to her ,
Lastly the OW, if you ever have anything to do with her , even a single message and she finds out you are done . Finished , she’ll never believe you ended it .
Fuck the OW, metaphorically of course , she knew what she was getting into . She deserves fuck all explanation, it’s the pitfalls of fucking married men .

I’ve heard suicidal thoughts described as not necessarily wanting to kill yourself, but wanting to kill how you feel right now. Your feelings of guilt can be so painful that you think that dying would be better than feeling them. Then it stops you booking appointments/giving up coping mechanisms like alcohol/doing the constructive things you need to do because they involve looking those feelings in the eye. Don’t let that thought process take hold. Force yourself to take the first step in the right direction - ringing Samaritans, talking to your GP, booking that therapy appointment. Let your guilt push you towards atonement rather than into a paralysing downward spiral. When the guilty feeling pushes you towards alcohol or shutting down or wallowing, do everything in your power to redirect that push towards positive action that will help you make amends (and in the long run, reduce intensity of the guilty feelings). You did something bad, guilt is an appropriate response, but you have to channel it in the right way. Keep going, one way or another there are brighter days ahead. Whatever happens in your relationship, your family needs you to live, and you deserve to live.

The only thing I can add is that you must put your discomfort at talking to a stranger below the priority of working on your issues and repairing your inner damage in order to be able to help your wife heal.

Affair trauma needs relational healing. You won't be able to help her if you are stuck in your own feelings. She will suffer more if she stays with you if you do not get therapy.

Get therapy now. Put her first.

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. I'm female. I had an affair. My DH never found out. I had very intrusive thoughts and though not suicidal was in a very dark place. You can search this user name.

Anyway - what helped was counselling. I read books and podcasts. I became a better wife. Still am actually. There wasn't anything wrong with my marriage but it's stronger than ever.

I hate what I've done but I won't let it define my future. I have a couple of friends who know what I did and they have been very supportive. On MN you will get many harsh responses.

I will never cheat again.

The site is weighted towards woman who have been on the receiving end I think?

Your original question was: would you ever be able to forgive yourself. The answer to that is probably no.
You will have to learn to live with that.
What is more important for you to know right now is that this is going to be a long slog. For instance, every time your wife hears the OW's name - perhaps when you are watching a film - it will remind her. She will perhaps feel sad, she might burst into tears despite having been utterly content up to that point. Or she may feel anger, and through no fault of her own, this will affect her mood. And then the contentment of the simple act of watching a film together is shattered.
Effectively, what you have done is to taint the past that you had together, and make the future open to these arrow-type invasive thoughts, so you can never again have that utter assuredness, contentment and joy you experience in a relationship that hasn't been sullied.
Having been in your wife's position, I could tell you a lot more, but I think that is all you need to know right now, especially as you're feeling suicidal.

I haven't had time to read all replies but I wanted to say that people are human and make mistakes. Sometimes big ones which is what you have done but you seem to be taking responsibility and are genuinely remorseful
Lots of people will say what you did can never be put right and you cannot redeem yourself but I personally know of 2 couples who got through this v situation and emerged stronger and happier in the long term.
It wasnt easy and took lots of hard work but both couples agree it was worth it.
You made a mistake. It doesn't make you a worthless human. Forgive yourself and determine not to make the same mistake again ( I think it is evident that you have learned your lesson). Do everything in your power to show your wife you mean it and be the v best husband and father you possibly can from now on is my advice.

OP, I'm not going to add another post bashing you for what you've done as other posters have already expressed plenty of that. I am myself a betrayed spouse and so although my situation is a bit different to what your wife has been through I know for a fact she is likely to be really traumatised by your infidelity and therefore what you absolutely need to do now is be there for HER every second of every day, every step of the way, going forward. I think you sound genuinely remorseful, which is something, because there is a big difference between being sorry you got caught and being genuinely remorseful about your betrayal of your spouse, and your wife will pick up on which it is and that will play a huge part in whether she decides to stay or leave you in the end. I found something incredibly helpful when I was going through this myself and my DH also found it helpful - it is something called 'Affair Recovery', and they have tonnes of videos online which cover every aspect of infidelity for both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse, they are genuinely really good. I will post a link to one of their videos and that in turn will take you to YouTube where you can find literally over 100 other videos covering what you and your wife are going through from every angle, created by people who have been through it themselves - in fact the guy in this video I am linking to has been in your situation having had an affair himself, and he talks a lot of good sense, I would really recommend you watch it. I hope your wife will, one day, be able to be happy again, but please remember that finding out your husband or wife has had an affair is very much like grieving a death (and in some ways worse) and it is not something you ever 'get over', it is something you have to learn to live with. You must 'be in it with her' every step of the way on her road to recovery from this - listen and listen some more to what she has to say, be truthful (absolutely imperative, even the smallest white lie will send her spiralling), and be patient, even if it takes years - you cannot hurry this process. If you are genuinely meant to be together after this then you will be, time will tell.

[quote SoulofanAggron]@ChodeOfChodeBall I'm 43 and have been the OW a fair few times. I suppose there are all sorts of reasons men do it. But people tend to say on here that it's never the wife's fault and I think that's right.

Certainly some men are looking just to get laid BTW. And any attendant psychological buzz they get alongside the physical one.[/quote]
I have never been an OW, but I have had an OM (twice, with a couple of near misses, too). It has never been just about getting laid, though. Perhaps men and women want different things from an affair. Though I really do think the primary relationship has gone wrong somewhere if anyone has an affair, and the 'cheated on' person has often (not always) played a part in this.

If drink is in your opinion a major factor in this, as you've implied, you need to either give it up cold turkey or if that seems too hard you need to have a break from the relationship and sort out the addiction before getting back together. You can't do both, your betrayed wife can't be burdened with supporting an alcoholic through withdrawal. Or you aren't an alcoholic in which case you'd give up drinking entirely to make her feel slightly less shit.

“Perhaps men and women want different things from an affair. Though I really do think the primary relationship has gone wrong somewhere if anyone has an affair, and the 'cheated on' person has often (not always) played a part in this.”

That sounds like victim blaming. The person intending on doing the cheating needs to discuss whatever part exactly they think their partner has played in the relationship going wrong before deciding to cheat! If their partner won’t engage with this or try to resolve the issues, then it’s time to end the relationship. Not cheat. There is no justification for cheating.

The OP is very honest about his choices and needs to stop thrashing himself now and get some counselling. Suicide is never the answer. He will cause those he loves even more pain. His wife has given him the huge gift of a second chance. I hope he takes it.

@Thewookiemustgo

“Perhaps men and women want different things from an affair. Though I really do think the primary relationship has gone wrong somewhere if anyone has an affair, and the 'cheated on' person has often (not always) played a part in this.”

That sounds like victim blaming. The person intending on doing the cheating needs to discuss whatever part exactly they think their partner has played in the relationship going wrong before deciding to cheat! If their partner won’t engage with this or try to resolve the issues, then it’s time to end the relationship. Not cheat. There is no justification for cheating.

The OP is very honest about his choices and needs to stop thrashing himself now and get some counselling. Suicide is never the answer. He will cause those he loves even more pain. His wife has given him the huge gift of a second chance. I hope he takes it.

Not victim blaming at all. I am basing my comments only on my own experience (as the person who had the affair). In both cases, there were things very badly wrong with the 'core' relationship, for which both parties would have had to have taken some responsibility, if the relationships had had any chance of surviving.