Had an affair and now I'm suicidal

[dm123455]

Recently I had an affair
It lasted around 9 months
I've been with my wife for 12 years and we have got 2 wonderful children together
I love and adore her and she does me
But over the last couple of years,we have disconnected from each other. Life is busy with young children and our sex life diminished. I felt as though she didn't love me anymore and instead of communicating with her, I behaved like a complete coward and got into an affair with a woman who showed an interest in me. I have suffered with some mental health issues and have been drinking alcohol a lot. I'm not sure I was thinking straight whilst the affair was going on. The other woman was really into me and accepted that I was married. She told me she was in love with me very early on and clearly had her own emotional issues. She showed me attention and because my self esteem was so low, it made me feel good at the time. There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed. But mainly it made me feel more depressed. It was toxic and the guilt started making me ill. Naturally, my wife and I became even more distant from one another during the affair (because I suppose because of the guilt I withdrew more and more) and as time passed I just didn't know what to do. My life was a mess. My wife is in no way to
blame. The reasons for the affair were completely a reflection on me and where my head was at. My wife is perfect. In the 12 years together I have never cheated or done a wrong to her before and would never have dreamt of it. I look back and don't even recognise the person I was when having the affair. My wife discovered the affair 3 months ago and the affects have been devastating. The affair immediately ended and I havnt looked back since and have had no intentions to what so ever. My wife has decided to give us another chance which I am indescribably grateful for. But the guilt is eating away at me and I just can not believe what I have done to her and my kids. I do not feel worthy of having a woman like her. I am disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed and I'm not sure I'll ever ever get over the shame and the hurt that I have caused to a woman who has done nothing but love and support me since the day we met. I suppose I am looking for advice in relation to how I and we together can move forward. Even if she can find it in herself to forgive me, will I ever forgive myself for behaving so disgracefully and against all of my own morals?

Honestly, OP, you asked this question in the wrong place. Anything cheating related really riles people up, and everyone wants to play the saint when they've got an anonymous chance on the Internet. You aren't a bad or evil person - you did a bad thing, but then who hasn't?

Best thing you can do? Get off the Internet and get into therapy.

You can be as sorry as you like, but actions speak louder than words. If you truly want to make amends to your wife and family
1 - get some therapy
2 - get off the booze
3 - stop with the self obsession, that's what your threat of suicide is, it's looking for attention. You have destroyed your wives world, why would you want to pile more heartache upon her and your children.
4 - act now

Could I ask

Is your wife on MN
Could she see this?

I can't help but hope your wife doesn't post on here but then again maybe she'll see the games you are still playing. Even your post title is all about you

Go check out survivinginfiselity.com and take some responsibility for your actions

"I will never have anything to do with the other woman again. All of this coming out has made me realise she meant nothing to me"

It's interesting OP that youve distances yourself for the other party in your relationship, but you've used quite specific language to diminish and demonise her role.

I'm not protecting this woman, but your language suggests that she is disposable.

Regardless of the general consensus on MN that the OW is wholly responsible for the breakup of a marriage, I think the way you've worded this suggests that you've thrown her under the bus somewhat.

What promises did you make this other woman?
Did she know you were married?
If she meant nothing to you, why did you spend 9 months with her?

It's no fun to be cheated on (I speak from experience) but in your efforts to appear contrite, you are absolutely ignoring the fact that there is another human being in this situation, who is very possibly the focus of all the fury you can muster, in your efforts to reconcile with your wife.

So, let's hear the truth about that rather than your squirming apologies.

Had your wife not discovered the affair do you think it would have continued?

@jessstan2
Whether an affair or a liaison, I think @FizzyGreenWater probably meant that 9 months wasn't brief. Which was my thought, as well.

Had your wife not discovered the affair do you think it would have continued?

Probably as he only realised how much he loved his wife after she had found out about the affair.

Odd that.

There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed...that'l of been the shagging then! Very odd that...

@Raidblunner

There were aspects of the affair that in part, I suppose I enjoyed...that'l of been the shagging then! Very odd that...

@Raidblunner - Thank you so much for that message, made me laugh

I so wanted to point that out earlier in the thread but didn't have the courage.

I would suggest buying this book and fully digesting/actioning the advice in it, its very good. www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

My husband cheated on me- I was absoloutely heartbroken. We had small children too. Your wife is in trauma and it is going to take a lot of time and effort from you for her to get over it. I'm talking years. It took me around 2 years before I could think about my husband and his affair, and the other woman (whom I knew) without wanting to smash something or cry. I did get over it though, and indeed am over it. I did forgive him. What I will say, is that our marriage did end, and it wasn't the affair that killed it, it was his drug and alcohol abuse, so if you want to keep your wife then you need to address your mental health and alcohol misuse urgently or she will leave you anyway, affair or no.

@dm123455 Hi OP, did you give your doctor a call? Did you arrange to see a therapist? Join in an online recovery meeting etc etc?

There are all sorts of things you could do to improve your mental health (which will have a knock-on effect on your marrriage) and you could do/start arranging them this week. What've you done, or are you going to do before the weekend?

Not victim blaming at all. I am basing my comments only on my own experience (as the person who had the affair). In both cases, there were things very badly wrong with the 'core' relationship, for which both parties would have had to have taken some responsibility, if the relationships had had any chance of surviving.

@ChodeOfChodeBall That's you- or how you've made yourself feel better about what you did. There are millions of other people having affairs who aren't you, who have different motivations etc.

The person intending on doing the cheating needs to discuss whatever part exactly they think their partner has played in the relationship going wrong before deciding to cheat! If their partner won’t engage with this or try to resolve the issues, then it’s time to end the relationship. Not cheat. There is no justification for cheating.

I think this that @Thewookiemustgo said is spot on, no-one can really argue with it.

I hope the poor bloke is ok. He came on here for support and was feeling suicidal.

And some of you just saw it as open season. You should think about that.

We all do stupid things sometimes. And it's hard to cope with. He put his hand up for help.

"We all do stupid things sometimes"
Yes like fitting the wrong brake shoes in a car, putting your bins out on the wrong day, leaving the windows open when its raining thats stupid!
Deceiving your wife and having sex with another woman for 9 months is not stupid. Its downright deceptive, selfish and hurtful. Please help I've destroyed my wife and our marriage because I lied and spent 9 months getting my leg over....pathetic. I for one won't be shedding a tear for this cheating liar, for fucks sake man up for once in your life!

I was in your wifes position, 3 years down the line , time has healed and he most definitely has spent the last 3 yrs making it up to me, similar enough to yourselves, I was devastated and the guilt was hard for him to bare. Stay true to your commitments to be a good husband and things can go well again. I dare say its made us stronger in a way

Best of luck

yeah, yeah, yeah, till the next one comes along...

Hey, just came across your story and I wanted to know how are things going with you and your wife?

Hey, just came across your story and I wanted to know how are things going with you and your wife?