Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

Take a minute op to take stock of your achievement.

Look at you, you've only gone and done what you
dreamed about but never thought would happen.

You, you did this all by yourself. It's a bloody fantastic thing
you've done. It's life changing.
Head up now and look to your better future with your DD.

@Coco26

Had a better day yesterday. Some sleep is definitely helping. And I am no longer crying every time someone is ice to me, so I think that’s progress

I am scared of how he will react if we bump in to him. I don’t know if it would be worse if he was angry or sad. I guess I’ve avoided confrontation with him for so long that I just don’t know how to be honest about how I feel and what has happened.

For now I’m still just going to concentrate on getting things sorted in the new house. Everything else can wait.

It's been well over a year since I last even saw my ex from a distance. He's such a creature of habit I'm well able to avoid him.

I, too, hated confrontation. All that walking on eggshells made me want to avoid anything he might get cross about.

But now, he's shrunk from being that big bogeyman in my head to me seeing him for who he really is, a miserable old fart. Apparently he looks 10 years older than he is, serves him right.

If I met him now, he'd get short shrift.

So, if you can avoid your ex for now, OP, in time his giant presence in your head will start to shrink and you'll feel more confident in your dealings with him. Counselling may help.

@BitOfANameChange - that’s a really good point - maybe OP can pro actively reframe him.

In my life I have a v difficult and destructive relative that I am NC with and I imagine her as Widow Twanky - a grotesque and pathetic pantomime character who Wikipedia describes as “a washer woman with mangled emotions” - that helps me cope. Maybe ascribe some characteristics to diminish the “power” he only holds in your head.

I was being polite, actually. In my head, he's that "miserable, gumpy, fucking wazzock with the wallet welded shut". Doesn't pay child support (I'm onto that) because the DC (aged 20 and 16) don't want to know him, as abuse was directed at them too.

I've had people laughing when telling me what he's been saying. they don't believe it because they know me. He's such a fucking cliché.

I did a flit in 2002. Almost exactly to the day I'd say. Took a secret day off work, had my parents there to fill their car with my stuff, and went.
Afterwards I felt a mixture of often contradictory feelings but I knew that it was the right decision even when I sometimes doubted myself.

I have no regrets about leaving - my life is joyful in so many ways that could never have happened had I stayed. I always thought I was weak to have gotten into an abusive relationship but I now see that I was strong.
So are you

Don't forget to change his name in your contacts on your phone too, so that when he calls you don't see his name, you see something you have chosen. Even "My Ex" or "Him again" gives you a useful reminder of what you have achieved, but you can be less polite than that, if you want to!

When I read the advice it makes so much sense! I am feeling a little stronger each day. He’s stopped contacting my parents for now, the last time was when he offered to move out so we could go back but I think this is just a way of him trying to keep some control and know where we are.

Ive started tackling some things that need doing, only little ones so they aren’t too scary but still a live in the right direction. Today I did the redirection with our post, and if you ring Royal Mail and tell them you’ve hade to leave because of DV then they make it a sensitive redirection and nothing goes to your original address. There is so ouch help out there, it’s so reassuring

You are doing so well. You have done your first whole week. Keep reaching out for help. People will trip over themselves to support you both. There is no need to re invent the wheel - but you can’t possibly anticipate everything especially in your heighten state. You have done loads. Rest up - check in with how you are feeling and as PP said be PROUD. Plan in some simpler joyful times with your DD, x

Well done, small things done day by day .

Well done! You're a week out and you're already taking steps to get your new life on track - be proud!

Keep reading this thread. Keep posting on this thread. Keep getting all the support you can. You've got this.

You're doing brilliantly, Coco x

I've read your thread from the beginning but not commented before. Just wanted to say how amazingly you have done and how strong you are. You are doing an incredible thing for you and your daughter's future. It must be so hard, but I hope that daily, things are getting a little easier. The advice you've been given on here from those who've
experienced the same has been so brilliant and I hope it's really helped. Sending you strength and positively for your continued new life, safety and security 😁 xx

How's going Coco?

I’m doing ok thanks. Spent the weekend with my sister and which was nice and just what I needed. He’s been to my parents again on Sunday still saying he doesn’t understand why I haven’t spoken to him and why DD is blocking him. Told my dad she’s been going off the rails, my dad just laughed at him. Apparently I’ve taken all three information about the bills and he doesn’t know what to do as he normally gives me the money, so I need to get on to contacting water, tv licence etc. Also said he’s opened my post and I need to go and get it if I want it, and he could find out where I was if he wanted to, so already showing signs of becoming more threatening.

Bit worried about DD, she’s struggling and finding it hard to get motivated but I have to remember it is still early days. Though I do need to start thinking about looking for a solicitor, another scary step!

Bollocks he doesn't know what to do. He can use Google, can't he? He'll use this as a way of locating you. Be wary.

Contact the post office and get your mail redirected asap.

Lastly, getting a solicitor may be scary, but it's also a step to real freedom. Keep going!

“Contact the post office and get your mail redirected asap.”

This.

Be careful about the mail redirection. I think they write to you at your old address as well as your new one.

I think ???? she's already done the mail redirection and someone said the Post Office do not send notification or charge in cases of DV. IIRC.

Write down passwords & send by post ? (water, elec, gas, rates....)
& take your name off any joint accounts.

i did this after 16 years abuse,plan it, get help getting stuff out ,dont return, you will get through this i know its hard but it gets better once you leave the police will help im sure xxx

Write out a list of things to take your name off and tick off as you go.
You’ve got this💐

He is really huffing and puffing isn't he. All these 'threats' to be passed on by your parents; all these 'hooks' to get you to return to the house or open a door for him.

Carry on as you are - don't go near him. Sadly for him, you've built a house of bricks around you and your DC and that big bad wolf is not getting in!

I’ve started contacting all the utilities in my name so they can contact him about setting up payments, so I keep moving forward. The next big thing to do is find a solicitor but I’m putting that off and I don’t know why. I guess I feel bad that he is hurting so much, I had to leave the way I did but it still feels cruel. He said to my dad that if we were scared of him why didn’t I tell him so he does know why we left. I know he doesn’t deserve it and though I don’t want to be with him anymore I still feel sad about it.

Remember that he is both 'abusive and controlling'

Look at the kinds of messages he has sent. Threats. Cunning ideas that seem generous but would put you back in his power. Now he plays on your goodness.

Your sympathy is just another way to get to you. Is it not true that he knows you very well and knows exactly how to manipulate your feelings? Has he not done this before?

If he knows you that well -How is it possible that he does not know what he was doing to you and your daughter? He knows.

Beware the hook!

Of course he knows why you left, but obvs not going to admit to your dad that he was a bully & treated you like shit.
He would never dream of treating anyone 'outside' in the same way.
How could he not notice the 2 completely methods ?
He clearly wasn't happy & in love with you, as if he had have been he would have cherished you.
So now he's unhappy ? I expect he is, his punching ball is missing & he is having to get by without his servant. Tosser