Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

He’s devastated and confused and doesn’t have any idea why we’ve gone

Oh yes he does, but like most controlling abusers, will never admit it.

I’m dreading talking to him but feel like I need to.

No. Just no. Think about what you and DD have been through, and how you had to not just leave - but run away in secret!

he’s not being aggressive

Not yet.

I think he’s falling apart

That is no longer your concern. He is beginning to feeling the loss of the complete control he had over you and your DD's lives.

Yes.

It's a tactic. Soon to be replaced by aggression when it fails.

I would if I were your advisor, advise you to advise (!!!!) your family to do all they can to avoid contact with him. Not to open the door to him, certainly not to let him in, to avoid calls and not respond to messages left.

I hope you're feeling a bit safer xx it's such early days and you must be so tired.

I'd also be keeping an eye on you for a good old emotional crash.....they say 'stop coping, start feeling.' For this, I'd recommend friends and talking about it to them, and Word on your laptop, for dates journal entries xxx and some reading about domestic abuse, the wheel of control for a start xxxxx

Another analogy I used to think about...

You are swimming away from him on his island, his style of life and life with him.

You are swimming to a new island, but it is far away yet and you haven't got very far.

Keep swimming and don't look back!! xxx

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to post. You are helping me so much. Started to feel stronger last night and have now got some sleep. He seems to be calling twice a day at the moment, I’m ignoring and haven’t listened to voicemails. DD has had a little crash and is feeling b tired but I’ve said this is ok, it’s probably the adrenaline Leaving her body and she needs to rest and keep taking to her friends.

We are both dreading my sister going home but not focusing on that whilst she is here. Doing something practical in the house today to feel positive xx

I think I would seriously consider changing phone numbers, there is no need to be in touch other than through solicitors .

He does not deserve nor appreciate your guilt or pity op, cut him off like a rotted tree branch.

What are your parents like, OP? If he is going to them for emotional support are they likely to be relaying your news to him? You might have to censor what you say to them until you are sure that they are not going to feed back any information because they feel sorry for him.

Yes, he will try to send in "flying monkeys ", but you said most of your friends are via work, so hopefully not many that he knows.
Beware of people not understanding, as you know, (more than most,) he can be particularly persuasive, manipulative & able to be pleasant on the outside. (Think, like an egg, it can look perfect but still be rotten, & stink inside. Who would guess?)
What can you do to make your new home fun ? something nice for DD ? new sheets, curtains... can you go out to B&Q ? what about you ? what about a lovely bunch of flowers on your kitchen window sill ? a new lamp, rug, throw ? something to take pleasure in that he would make snide comments about.
Put a play list on out loud, You can sing now, you can dance round the kitchen.... eat toast in the bath........ you & DD can do all those things that were impossible before :O)

Well done Op keep
On ignoring but also keep an eye out for your own crash

Good idea to have 'no rule' time. Chips for breakfast? Dinner just a pudding? Midnight feasts?

Anything that is the opposite of how you used to live. This will help reset your brain and show yourself you are in charge of how you live now.

I agree changing your number will benefit you, rather than having him interrupt your life with calls even though you don't listen to them.

It means he is still 'there' on your phone so still there in your life. Break the final chain.

I totally agree with @S00LA as this was my experience. The only real difference is that my ex didn't have any friends, and pretty much all the acquaintances he had also knew me and were pretty much all on my side.

Most people who come across my ex don't like him, he's not that good at charming people, he comes across as a bit fake and people can spot it.

So yes, there's a bit of a script these types seem to follow, so I'd watch out for a sudden illness or suicide threat. These are unlikely to be genuine.

In the case of a suicide threat, don't go to see him, whatever he says. Call 101, and speak to the police, explaining that you've left your abuser and he's now been threatening suicide. They'll do a welfare check on him. This will a) check he's ok, and if not they'll call an ambulance, and b) if he's faking, they'll have a little word. The police had a little word with my ex, and he tried doing it in a different way to get sympathy one last time before he stopped.

And if you can't change your number just yet, try renaming your ex to reduce the temptation to answer.

Mine is listed as Cunty Chops Do Not Answer

Just found this thread. So glad your out OP. You have had some amazing advice on here, if you ever feel a wobble come back to this thread. Don't be tempted to contact him - you owe him nothing! Fuck him

Read all of your thread, am so worried for you, and cheering for you at the same time!

Well done on the massive step you’ve managed. Just kind of assume you’ll feel all sorts of weird and wonderful shades of rubbish, and that this is the horrible river you have to wade through.... but things will get better. You will feel better. Everything will be better in the end.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. Things have been very up and down but we are reminding ourselves this is early days. Have put some curtains in the living room and now that feels much mor ego rly and DD has unpacked so feels more settled in her room. Will be first night on our own tonight but has to be done. We know we need to give ourselves time and it is such early days.

Wow OP, I've just read all your posts and you are so incredibly strong! Well done for getting out of there!

You have been so productive in relation to plotting and planning to get out for no doubt years. All of that adrenaline rush and emotional tension that has been held and discharged will leave you feeling drained and exhausted and maybe even bored as your mind has been hijacked and preoccupied watching and anticipating his every manoeuvre.

So give yourselves loads of time to rest. I am sure loads of doubts, debriefing, processing will also be swirling around in your head - it will all settle in time.

Find little golden moments of joy and savour them.

🌺🌺💕

Dear OP,

What an incredible move you have made for yourself and your daughter. I am so touched by your courage and determination to find the better life you deserve! I imagine this has been exhausting and utterly terrifying for you both, but my god how much better this new chapter will be for you both.

I wanted to share that my mum was in your position some 30 odd years ago when I was a little girl. My dad was a sadistic, controlling abuser. My sister wet the bed every night until age ten... until literally the day after he was gone! I don’t remember much about after we escaped, but I certainly remember my mum talking about the relief she felt in the weeks and months after she left. It was the best decision she could have made. Life was still tough at times mostly due to money worries but SO much better after we left, for all of us.

You must have experimented a tremendous amount of trauma over the years, and I have some sense of just how much courage you must have had to summon within you to leave. Your strength and compassion for your daughter shines through your posts.

These next few days and weeks you’ll be winding down from the adrenaline and trauma. I hope that you can allow yourself the compassion you deserve, to take it easy where you can (if you possibly can!) even just a bath with a book, small things so you can gradually begin to feel safe again within yourself.

Things will get better, you have done the hardest part and you clearly have a lot of grit to have survived the amount of trauma you have for so long! So I am confident you and your daughter will be fine, especially with the support of compassionate others around you, and more than fine soon enough.

You shared that you noticed the effect your ex partners behaviour was having on your daughter, and your worry about this. You have done the absolute best you can in the most horrific of circumstances. My mum still to this day apologises for what happened, and yet she was an incredible mum like it sounds like you are too. I hope this can bring you some reassurance - my siblings and I, although we experienced trauma too, are now living well. I’m a clinical psychologist working with women who are victims of domestic abuse which is hugely empowering. I believe my lived experience has made me a far more determined and compassionate person that I would otherwise have been!

Congratulations for making this incredibly courageous move again OP - this is the start of much better things for you and your daughter! Wishing you all the very best

@minnie987 thank you so much for taking the time to post this. I am so happy to hear that you are al happy and living good lives. It’s hard to rmeber that this will be us one day when we are still feeling scared and worried to go out. but we are reminding ourselves that this is normal and we need to give ourselves time to heal and recover. This evening we are feeling less raw but know that tomorrow may be different and we shouldn’t be scared to reach out for support.

Thank you everyone helping me to get through these days and remember that better is to come

Good Luck OP, all I can suggest is don't answer calls from him and make sure he hasn't got a tracker on your phone, perhaps get a new number.

Take good care

Lots of rest and relaxation

You will be exhausted I know that feeling

Well don do you need to listen to voicemails just yet?

Best wishes and sending you lots of hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

@Coco26 you are so welcome. It makes complete sense that you are feeling scared still, your body is still on red alert after this huge trauma you have survived, for so long. you are absolutely right that this is normal and appropriate reaction to a very traumatic situation. I’m so pleased to hear that you are starting to feel a little less raw now. This is incredibly hard right now, if not the hardest bit, and slowly but surely things will get much better for you both. I’m sure that as you find a rhythm in your new life without him you will begin to gradually feel safe again.

I remember my mum getting her all her hair cut off very short soon after we left (my dad never let her cut it) which marked the start of her reclaimIng her identify as Sarah again - actually a lovely memory of mine as I could see she was happy and she had a new lease of life about her! I hope that you can do something nice for you too in the next few weeks or so maybe as a way of celebrating your new freedom.

About taking time to recover and heal, yes yes yes. And great that you feel able to seek help, it can be so hard to after years of being made to hold all these huge feelings to yourself but is a huge strength. And self compassion, giving yourself time as you say is tremendously healing.

Things will definitely get better. My dad made us believe we were worthless and stupid and I remember my mum feeling hopeless and scared. But honestly, life changed so much for the better after our new start, I think in ways that my mum wouldn’t have been able to imagine. Surviving what you have I think means that you develop huge resources that most other people don’t have - perseverance, the ability to relentlessly keep going, courage, sensitivity to other’s feelings etc etc. Everyday I am continually inspired and humbled by the women I work with.

I hope you can get some well deserved rest tonight OP, you got this X

I haven't been able to read the whole thread properly but I can see you have both been really brave. Good luck in your new life just think about taking things a step at time but remember you have taken the biggest step already.

I wonder if he will show up at DDs workplace? She must ask for help from colleagues if so, or speak to her manager & explain that she will not be speaking to him. If he makes a scene she must call the police.