Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

@Mix56 yes we were worried about that too. Her work are aware and have been brilliant, they will look after her

I’m not listening to any voicemails yet, I’m just not feeling strong enough for any kind of contact.

You don't ever have to listen to his voicemails if you don't want to. Or you can leave them for years. You have all the power here, not him. Let his voicemails keep going into their box - and gather dust, if that is what you want to happen.

@coco26 I am a year down the line from where you are.
The things you are feeling are totally normal. You are ALLOWED to feel your feelings. Don't worry about it and don't feel that you need to justify or apologise for them. It is hard at first, but freedom is awesome!
My ex tried every trick in the book to get me to go back but my friends helped me stay strong. I also had a wonderful IDVA giving me support from the local women's aid. I'd highly recommend getting some help, they are amazing and nothing that you say will shock them.
After a couple of months I did the freedom programme and was shocked at just how abusive he had actually been, and how i hadn't seen it.
As I started to relax over the following months and allowed myself to feel, I unfortunately developed C-PTSD due to the trauma of the abuse. Often you don't really realise how bad it was right away, and its only when you start to move forward that you can see.
If you get in touch with womens aid they may also be able to offer you some additional security at your new place, just to ease with the anxiety and help you sleep at night.
You've done amazingly well and I promise you it will just get better and better

Well done for breaking free of the abuser and making your daughter safe.

Looking back is difficult for you both at the moment but this is the start of your new life. Perhaps you can both focus on the things you are looking forwards to and the freedoms you have. Counter the darker worries that lurk in your minds when they occur.

On his messages - what do you need to hear from him?

Is it likely to be in any of his messages? Is he likely to say anything that will be good or helpful to either of you? Is there any reason to read them? I'd say 'DELETE' without reading.

Messages are a power he still has... unless you don't allow it to him.

Wishing you the strength and happiness you deserve in the days ahead.

@Coco26 - you have done so well. @Thesnowfellfast's advice is hopefully hugely reassuring to you. There are some very practical pointers there also. Remember - this too will change. There will come a time when this period of struggle is a dim memory, you are well clear of the pain and trauma of your abusive relationship and you are living a life of freedom and joy. Even if the road is painful right now, every step you take is bringing you closer to that joyful future.

You've done brilliantly, both you and your dd. Good plan not to listen to voicemails yet, or ever. It's on your terms now not his, keep that in your mind.

Good luck - and wishing you all the best for the future and a lovely first evening of freedom in your new home.
Don't leave a note. No explanation is necessary - and he'll know damn well why you've gone. Is your daughter grown up? (You mention her being at work.) In which case, block everything, permanently and forever, you have no need ever to communicate with him again except through your solicitor.

Sorry, I see you're already out - congratulations! You've got the whole of your new life ahead now - and remember, you owe him nothing! If he's falling apart, that's because he's a nasty, controlling little man with no-one to control.

Well done for leaving!!! Here's to a happier future 🥂

@Thesnowfellfast thank you for sharing your story, it helps so much hear from people who have been through this, that what we are feeling is normal and that things will get better. When I miss home and feel sad about what has happens I get quite cross with myself. I know I wasn’t happy and that things were not good but I’m some ways things feel scarier now. When I think about all the things that need sorting out I feel so overwhelmed. But I know that this is very early days and keep telling myself that better days are to come. This evening we are sitting in a living room we have made comfy and can relax in and that is a massive step

I loved it when I left after 22years , my ex wasn't as bad as yours but still he still controlled my life.
I was so nice being able to watch a tv program without the sighing and tutting and having a glass of wine with a pizza after 7pm . Thame dare and have a lovely life xx

*take care

You got this

I left and returned multiple times
It was the wrong thing to do

I was so scared

You seem very strong and capable
Life will get easier day by day
Believe me it will

Sending you best wishes ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hello.

Right, so......the first bit of the operation bas been successfully completed. Now for the second!!

List making. Plans. Dates and things to remember. It is much easier on your own.

Have you got spare keys cut and hidden? Have you got contents insurance?
Have you considered ringing your local dv service and asking for an IDVA? They'll know all you need to do regarding child contact.

But I do promise you it's easier than managing everything with a mean, worrisome bully to worry about too. You are going to get used to this very soon and it will become second nature... x

@Coco26 Better days will come. It just takes a while to get out of the mindset of walking on eggshells, etc.

I'm 3 years on, and if I met my ex now, I'd be the forthright person others know me as. Because I've seen through his shit, and he no longer scares me. But it took time, time to see him for who he really is, and who that insignificant person is underneath all the arrogant crap.

I'm not living my life at his narrow minded level, and it's wonderful.

Have you thought what you are actually afraid of? if you go out & bumped into him somewhere? what is he going to do? Shout? Follow you? Make threats ? If you know you aren't in any physical danger, then you can get your pone out , or walk into a shop & say "this man is harassing me please call the police". He will be gone in seconds.
You are sadly still under his thrall, you have been so controlled for so long that you react like you are still in prison & haven't noticed the door is unlocked.
Everyday the fear will get a little lighter...
As for Admin, make a list, tackle one thing a day... One step at a time

How are you doing Coco?

I still remember getting the phone call from my mother that she had left. She did it while he was at work and my younger sister was at school. I had already moved to university. Moving truck in and out in half a day and picked up sister at school with a big surprise.

It’s a superhero move getting your child to safety. It means whatever her relationship may be with her father moving forward, she knows that she always has a safe place to come home.

It fills my heart with joy to know there is another strong woman in this world.

Bless you, wish you and your dd all the happiness and a peaceful future, which you both so deserve and thankyou for sharing your story it will give others hope more than you will ever know

Had a better day yesterday. Some sleep is definitely helping. And I am no longer crying every time someone is ice to me, so I think that’s progress

I am scared of how he will react if we bump in to him. I don’t know if it would be worse if he was angry or sad. I guess I’ve avoided confrontation with him for so long that I just don’t know how to be honest about how I feel and what has happened.

For now I’m still just going to concentrate on getting things sorted in the new house. Everything else can wait.

I second making lists. Doing small practical things and ticking them off a list as done is incredibly satisfying, and each item helps to convince you that you can do things and that you can cope on your own.

Your fear of him will fade. Eventually you will learn not to give a stuff about how he feels.

OP... Im so glad you're sleeping better and feeling calmer as the days pass.. I think you should consider sitting down with a notebook.. and every time you recall 'his rules' write them down.. so if your resolve weakens you can refer back to how life with him was for you and your DD. It might help you deal with an 'accidental' meet too.. you'll at least be able to stand tall and remember.. YOU deserve to he treated with respect. 🌺

I am scared of how he will react if we bump in to him. I don’t know if it would be worse if he was angry or sad. I guess I’ve avoided confrontation with him for so long that I just don’t know how to be honest about how I feel and what has happened

Stop worrying about how HE will react and Make a plan for what YOU will do. The days when everything was about managing him are gone : this is your new life and it’s about YOU.

Why does any such chance meeting have to be about confrontation and being honest about how you feel? If you have the desire to do this then I suggest the place is in a counsellor / therapists office and not the Asda car park.

If you bump into him in Asda then you don’t have to do anything , you can just walk away / avoid him / walk out the store.

You can say Hi how are you ? And then walk on.

If he tries to engage you on conversation you can say “ I don’t want to talk right now “ and walk on. You don’t need his permission to walk away.

You don’t need to answer any demands to talk / for an explanation .

If he runs after you / shouts at you / tries to grab you , you go straight up to security / member or staff and say “ please call the police, this is my ex and he’s threatening me “.

You don’t owe him anything . I know it’s really hard to accept this after spending half your life doing what he wants.

I agree with PP.

You are in the hyper vigilant state of PTSD - don’t let this emotionally hijack you in to fear, panic and obsessive thoughts. Instead take it on head on.

Have a plan for what you will do in all situations which you have rehearsed ahead. Then you will be empowered, strong and won’t be wrong footed as you will know exactly what to do - bit like a fire drill in the office.

Decide what your objectives are - maybe zero drama and discussion in a public space, not to be drawn on anything, close everything down verbally and a plan in place to physically remove yourself from the situation.

You can have some “rinse and repeat” phrases ready. Rinse and repeat only twice - 3rd phrase is a consequence to any verbal harassment.

The phrases could be the same in every situation:

“I have nothing to say to you”
“Please communicate through solicitor”
“I will not be discussing that”
“I don’t owe you an explanation”
“That’s not how I see it”
“There is nothing to discuss”
“Please leave”
“Please leave me alone”
“Do not follow me”
“I will approach security, call the police, ask for help if you don’t leave me alone”

Decide what you will do if/when:

1. He calls you / DD from a random number.
2. He gets something to you / DD in the post.
3. He turns up on your doorstep
4. He turns up at your / DD work
5. He turns up at event/activity you / DD do or are attending
6. If you see him outside your home
7. If you see him at a distance on the street/petrol station/ supermarket.
8. If your paths cross in any public space.
9. If he approaches / hangs outside your parents / friend’s / family homes.

10. If he uses flying monkeys (mutual or his friends or family) to make contact with you.

Practice saying things out loud. Practice it in real life - pretend some random guy at the end of the cheese aisle is him for instance. Also support your DD in this.

Chalk up each day of NC as progress and take strength from this.

Once you have a plan drawn up - put it aside and free your mind, energy and time - to be filled with positive wonderful restorative activities, rest and radiant people. This is the life and spirit you need to build up.